


between each beat are words unsaid

by darcylindbergh, hudders-and-hiddles (huddersandhiddles)



Series: between each beat [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Between Episodes, Drug Use, Epistolary, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Marriage, Missing Scenes, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-20 16:44:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 215
Words: 107,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4794824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darcylindbergh/pseuds/darcylindbergh, https://archiveofourown.org/users/huddersandhiddles/pseuds/hudders-and-hiddles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On their wedding night, John and Sherlock gift each other with the things they each said when the other could not hear, the things they each put down where the other could not see: a collection of writings that illustrate the way their love for one another has grown over the years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. John - Letter to Sherlock on Their Wedding Day

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [between each beat are words unsaid (Chinese Translation)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8321683) by [kiii17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiii17/pseuds/kiii17)
  * Translation into Русский available: [between each beat are words unsaid (Russian Translation)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8386258) by [ThePeripheralLight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePeripheralLight/pseuds/ThePeripheralLight)
  * Translation into Español available: [between each beat are words unsaid](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10456944) by [sofia1412](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sofia1412/pseuds/sofia1412)



> This story is a collaborative RP, with [darcylindbergh](http://archiveofourown.org/users/darcylindbergh/pseuds/darcylindbergh) writing as John and [hudders-and-hiddles](http://archiveofourown.org/users/huddersandhiddles/pseuds/hudders-and-hiddles) writing as Sherlock. No beta or britpick.
> 
> This epistolary features a series of letters, emails, blog posts, texts, notes, and more which John and Sherlock wrote or sent or kept, which they kept private from one another. Each chapter will be titled with the perspective from which it was written as well as the format. Assume things written from John's perspective have never before been seen by Sherlock, and things written from Sherlock's perspective have never before been seen by John.

Dear Sherlock,

If you’re reading this, we’ve just got married.

It still seems strange to say. You and I, getting married. In twenty-four hours, I’ll be married to one Sherlock Holmes of 221B Baker Street, the world’s only consulting detective. It’s like a dream, even now, even though we’ve been planning for weeks. You’ll probably think I’m romanticizing again, but really, Sherlock. We’re getting married. Now, if any time, is a time to be romantic.

I say it’s like a dream because it seemed--still seems, sometimes--so far outside the realm of possibility. It’s a dream I didn’t even dare to have for years and years. I didn’t want to take for granted what I had by daring to ask for more.

When I first understood, really, truly understood, I thought we’d wasted all that time, but I see now that I was wrong. It wasn’t a waste. That was time I spent falling in love with you. That was time I spent figuring out that I didn’t ever want to live without you. That was time I used to build up the courage to take the risk and reach for you. The first time I kissed you, I already knew this was forever.

You and me, against the rest of the world.

Through all those years, it was always going to be you, in the end. I’ve told you before that I loved you nearly from the start. Now I’ve finally got a way to show you.

In the box I’m giving you with this letter is every little thing I’ve ever written down about you that I kept private. Things I intended to revisit or things I couldn’t bring myself to send, or to publish. Emails I started writing to you and never finished. Blog posts I started that turned into something too personal for the public. Texts I didn’t have the guts to send. A couple of handwritten odds and ends that I’d saved years ago, when you were away, and then couldn’t let go. And I put in a few things I sent to other people, from going through my sent messages and emails, that I thought you deserved to see.

I’m giving this all to you now so you never have to doubt me, Sherlock. I love you. I’ve loved you almost from the moment I first saw you at Barts. I have made some bad decisions over the years, including some decisions that made you feel like I didn’t want you in my life, or like I couldn’t ever have loved you as anything more than a friend. I think you deserve to know that that was never true. You deserve to see it in my own words. You deserve to see what I was thinking.

I’m giving this all to you so that you know me, wholly and completely, with every horrible thought and selfish hope. We’re married now (hopefully) so you should know it all, everything. I’m not perfect and I know you know that, but I want you to see it. I want you to see the darkest parts of myself. You deserve to see that.

I thought long and hard about whether to include the things I put down when you were away. When you were dead. And when Mary was still in our lives. In the end I decided to include it, not to make you feel guilty or sad or anything, but because it’s part of us. It’s part of what happened to bring us here today. It’s part of the whole of our story and I don’t want to pretend like those things didn’t happen, so it’s all here. Some of it is difficult. I’m sorry about that. It was a difficult time for both of us. But there’s so much more, too, that happened afterwards, and if you start to get bogged down reading it just look at how much has happened since then, and think about how much more of the story we’ve left to go together. Then come find me. I’ll remind you how far we’ve come.

We’re getting married tomorrow. Well, by the time you read this, we’ll have already gotten married. I hope. I have threatened both Mycroft and Greg to leaving us off every case for the last week so we don’t get caught up. (I know you know his name, you say it in your sleep sometimes.) (Yes, you do talk in your sleep. No, I won’t tell you what else you’ve said.)  We’ve hired extra security. We vetted every single person involved on every single level. We couldn’t have been more safe if Mycroft himself had sifted through the cake batter by hand to ensure no one baked in a razor blade.

But if there’s anything I’ve learned over the past couple of years with you, it’s that even when things go wrong (and they do go wrong), everything will work out in the end. If we’re not married by this time tomorrow, we’ll have another go at it another day. As long as we’re together, everything else is just details. Whatever happens tomorrow, married or murdered, I’ll be right beside you.

I think you suspect that I’m writing something more important that just another blog post, because you’re giving me a wide berth, which I appreciate but I hope you don’t go snooping tonight and ruin the surprise. Do you know, by the way, how hard it is to keep a secret from you? Molly’s been helping me. I understand she’s been keeping everything I’ve been printing off and putting together in a folder in with her clothes. Certain clothes. Clothes she assured me you would not have the audacity to go through “again.” Stay out of her intimates, Sherlock. You can snoop through mine. I might even have something lacy in there for you to find.

You’ve just picked up your violin and you’re playing that song I like. The one you keep telling me the title of and I keep forgetting. Someday I’ll have to write it down so I can stop asking you. The fire is starting to burn low and you’ve got on that burgundy shirt and seeing as it’s our last night as fiancés, I think we’d better enjoy it before married life makes us dull and boring.

I love you, Sherlock Holmes. We’ve got the rest of our lives for me to show you just how much.

Yours always,

John


	2. Sherlock - Letter to John on Their Wedding Day

John,

By the time that you read this, you will be my husband, and I will be yours. I must admit (though I’m sure it’s fairly obvious) that there was a time when I would have scoffed at the idea of binding myself to another person in any way at all. In general, people are boring and stupid and entirely selfish, and I could never see a reason why I would even want to partake in a relationship with someone, much less marry them. And if by chance I did find someone who sparked more than a passing interest, I had seen far too many marriages ended over murders, affairs, thefts, and other petty squabbles to consider it a sensible option. I know that the nature of our work has certainly contributed to that opinion--we have assisted in ending more than a fair few marriages with cases we’ve solved--but even as a child, I could see that people often used marriage as an excuse to treat each other poorly, knowing that whatever they said or did, they were bound to each other and as such were more likely to tolerate whatever mistreatment they received until pushed past the breaking point.

To my four-year-old self, the idea was abhorrent. Why would you marry someone you loved if it meant that eventually your love would sour? I was so repelled by the idea that I swore to Mycroft that I would never marry, a vow I am certain he will be all too happy to remind me of later today. And the truth is that for a very long time, I thought I would keep that vow all the way to my grave. As I grew older, I became certain that I would never find anyone who was interested in me beyond the physical or the utility of my mind, and more importantly, I didn’t want to. While I can’t say I had ever actively looked for a potential partner, there did come a time when I actively decided not to look for one. I didn’t want a partner. I had my brain and eventually I had the work, and that was all that I could possibly need or want.

Little did I know that one day an army doctor would hand me his phone and change absolutely everything.

John, I honestly don’t know what I’ve done to deserve your love--I’m actually not sure that I do--but it is the greatest gift that anyone has ever bestowed on me. From the moment that you walked into my life, you have seen me as more than an arrogant arsehole who solves crimes and has a talent for saying things that make people uncomfortable, and for that I can never thank you enough. You have saved me from a lifetime of loneliness and ridicule and alienation. You have saved me from myself. You have given me the life I never knew I wanted, the love I never thought I would have, and so today I will happily break my childhood vow to my brother so that I can vow myself to you.

I know that it has taken us a small eternity to get to where we are today, and I know that there were times you doubted that I felt anything at all for you, but please know that I have loved you since nearly the moment we met. As you know now, I was far too terrified to say it then, too afraid of losing your friendship by risking the chance at more, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it.

Which brings me to my gift.

For our wedding, I want to give you the comfort and assurance that I have loved you as long and as deeply as you have loved me. I want to erase every doubt from your mind that this isn’t real or that I will change my mind. (Yes, I know you have those doubts on occasion. I must admit that I have them, too, far more often that I would like.) But there is no reason to doubt this, John. I know that I have often been exceptionally bad at expressing my love for you, but that is because I love you so much more than I can ever possibly say. You are integral to everything I am and ever will be. Without John Watson, there is no Sherlock Holmes. Not anymore.

And that is why I have decided to give you this particular gift. If you open the box, you will find all the evidence I have of my love for you, dating back to the day we met. I hope that this begins to give you some idea of my regard for you, of how deeply important you are to me, of how affected I have been by your presence in my life.

As you well know, this idea is not entirely original. I know that you are planning to give me a similar gift. Please don’t be upset that it isn’t a surprise. (I wasn’t trying to deduce it; you know I can’t just turn off the observations like a tap, as convenient as that would be.) I cannot say, however, that I am entirely unhappy to have deduced it. We both know I can be rather rubbish at adhering to social norms, and I was initially uncertain as to what would be considered an acceptable and appropriate gift for this occasion. Once I realised what your gift to me was going to be, I knew I wanted to return the gesture. I only hope that it’s enough.

And in case it isn’t, there is an additional gift at the bottom of the box.

I suppose I should slip back into bed now before you wake and realise I’m gone. I wouldn’t want you to be cross with me so early on our wedding day. (We both know it will likely happen at some point, but I would prefer if I could manage not to anger you before the sun even rises.) I love you deeply, John, and I cannot wait to marry you today. I am honoured and overwhelmed that you have chosen me to be your husband, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of the title.

 

Yours in mind and heart and soul,

Sherlock


	3. Sherlock - Text Thread with Mycroft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we begin to post the contents of John and Sherlock's gifts to each other, we will be starting from their first meeting and progressing forward chronologically, eventually leading back up to their wedding day.
> 
>  
> 
> After Sherlock and John's first meeting at St Barts Hospital.

Mycroft     14:23  
Give me his name.

[Sent]     14:24  
Piss off, Mycroft.

Mycroft     14:24  
Sherlock, we had an agreement.

[Sent]     14:25  
No we didn’t. You shoved your nose where it  
doesn’t belong and demanded I provide you  
with the identities of any potential flatmates.

[Sent]     14:25  
I ignored you. That’s not an agreement.

Mycroft     14:27  
It’s for your own good. I won’t have you living  
with someone who will, shall we say, enable  
your more unsavory habits.

[Sent]     14:28  
For god’s sake, I am CLEAN and intend to   
remain that way. I’m not inviting a junkie to live   
with me.

Mycroft     14:29  
The name, Sherlock.

[Sent]     14:29  
No.

Mycroft     14:30  
I do have other ways of finding out. Perhaps I’ll   
pay your new friend a visit.

[Sent]     14:31  
Leave him alone, Mycroft.

Mycroft     14:31  
Oh, brother dear, attached already?

Mycroft     14:35  
No response? How very telling.

[Sent]     14:38  
John Watson. Former army doctor, recently   
stationed in Afghanistan.

[Sent]     14:39  
There. Now go run whatever background checks   
you want. Just leave John alone.

Mycroft     14:40  
I’ll be in touch again soon to let you know if   
your arrangement with Dr Watson will be   
allowed to move forward.

Mycroft     14:41  
Try not to get any more attached before then.

[Sent]     14:41  
Do piss off, Mycroft.


	4. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The evening after John and Sherlock's first meeting at Barts.

I don’t know how I’m meant to be writing this. I’m not a writer. Ella thought keeping a blog would help but it hasn’t because nothing ever happens to me. But today, something did. Something happened.

I met someone. 

I had bumped into Mike Stamford, who was sort of a mate of mine when we were students together. We got coffee and I mentioned that I wanted to move, and he said he knew of someone in a similar situation. So we went to Barts and he introduced us.

Except, he didn’t. He didn’t have to introduce us. The man knew everything about me. He borrowed my mobile and then told me all about myself. He had this dark, curly hair and these really dramatic cheekbones, it was all a bit unreal. And he looks at you like he can see you down to the bone. Like there’s something written there in the meat of you that he wants read. 

He could, too. Read me, I mean. He knew I was an army doctor and he knew I’d been invalided, although he thought my wound was psychosomatic so he didn’t get everything all the way right, but he even knew why I was there, even though Mike said he hadn’t told him. It was like...he could see me, and I didn’t realise until just then that people were looking at me without really seeing me. It was a bit uncomfortable, actually, and he was pretty arrogant and really quite rude about it but it was sort of reassuring. That he could. That someone could actually see me. 

Sorry, that sounds like wallowing in my own pity. Ella probably wouldn’t appreciate it. 

It was just so strange. He was so. Mad. But in the way that made me not want to look away at all. Like I might miss something. Something worth seeing. 

Christ, what will Ella say when she reads this? What will


	5. Sherlock - Text Thread with Lestrade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The day after the conclusion of the Jeff Hope case.

Lestrade     16:19  
You were supposed to come in today to help  
me wrap up the cab driver case. Remember?

Lestrade     16:46  
Damn it, Sherlock. Answer me.

Lestrade     16:58  
I need to talk to you about the shooter. Crack  
shot, strong moral principle, former military…

[Sent]     16:59  
I told you to ignore that. I was in shock.

Lestrade     16:59  
Knew that would get your attention. And no,   
you weren’t.

Lestrade     17:00  
I already know it was your new flatmate.

[Sent]     17:00  
No, it wasn’t.

Lestrade     17:01  
I’m not stupid. I was standing right there when  
you figured it out for yourself.

[Sent]     17:02  
You’ve come to the wrong conclusion, as usual,  
Detective Inspector. It wasn’t John.

Lestrade     17:03  
Stop trying to insult me and maybe thank me  
instead.

Lestrade     17:04  
What am I saying? Forgot who I was talking to  
for a minute there.

Lestrade     17:04  
Either way, I’m not going to arrest him.

[Sent]     17:05  
Oh.

[Sent]     17:05  
Why?

Lestrade     17:07  
Well, I’m fairly certain that if I tried, I’d  
suddenly find that the ballistics records no  
longer match his gun or that the evidence has  
gone missing entirely.

Lestrade     17:08  
Your brother isn’t going to let me arrest the  
man who just saved your life.

Lestrade     17:08  
Besides, I suppose it’ll be nice having someone  
else around to look after you.

[Sent]     17:09  
I’m not a child. I don’t need looking after.

Lestrade     17:09  
Yes, you do.

Lestrade     17:10  
Now I’m going to pretend like I don’t know  
about the gun, and you’re going to pretend like  
we never had this conversation.

Lestrade     17:11  
And tell John to avoid shooting anyone else if at  
all possible.

[Sent]     17:12  
I will.

[Sent]     17:14  
Also…

[Sent]     17:14  
Thank you.

Lestrade     17:15  
Yeah, alright. Don’t get all sappy on me.

Lestrade     17:16  
Having a flatmate could be good for you. Do me  
a favor and don’t screw it up, okay?

_[Draft]     17:17  
I’m trying not to. _


	6. John - Text Thread with Mike Stamford

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The day after the conclusion of the Jeff Hope case.

Mike     15:44  
So did you meet up with Holmes? To see  
the flat?

[Sent]     15:47  
Yeah, I met up with him. Saw a hell of a  
lot more than just the flat!

Mike     15:54  
Well, mate, I’m glad you two got on, but  
that’s. Well. Not something I need to know  
about. Happy for you, though.

[Sent]     15:55  
NO! NO

[Sent]     15:55  
That is not what I meant, God no!

[Sent]     15:57  
He’s a detective, right? We went to a  
crime scene. Dead woman, one of those  
serial suicides that were in the paper.

[Sent]     15:58  
And I met his brother. And we went to  
dinner. Nothing like that.

Mike     15:59  
Oh! Right. Sorry, I just thought, you made it  
sound that way.

[Sent]     16:02  
No, actually, I got a very well rehearsed  
speech about being “married to his work.”

[Sent]     16:06  
Hey, by the way, do you know anything about  
him and drugs? Illegal ones?

Mike     16:07  
I know enough that I don’t call security on  
him when I catch him in the labs.

Mike     16:08  
As for the rest of it, you’ll have to ask him.  
Not really my place, right?

[Sent]     16:09  
Yeah, I understand. I just wanted to make  
sure he was safe.

Mike     16:11  
To be honest, I don’t know whether  
or not he’s safe. Bit mad, isn’t he? But  
as far as I know, he’s clean.

[Sent]     16:14  
Ta, I’ll keep that in mind. Bit mad, yeah. He’s  
brilliant though. He’s different.

Mike     16:15  
I’ve heard that before, but not usually in a  
nice way. I like him alright though.

[Sent]     16:16  
Yeah, he’s alright. Rude, though. But he’s  
interesting.

Mike     16:18  
That’s certainly true!

Mike     16:20  
I have a lecture starting here in just a few  
but let's get a drink soon yeah? You can  
fill me in on this crime scene.

[Sent]     16:22  
Alright. I'll text you when I'm all moved in and  
settled and I have some free time.


	7. Sherlock - Observation Notes, File JW-2010-001

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four days after John moved into 221B.

**Observation File Number:** JW-2010-001

 **Subject:** John Watson (middle name currently unknown)

 

**Physical Characteristics:**

  * Male
  * 37 y.o.
  * 169 cm
  * Approximately 68 kg. Find method of obtaining precise measurement.
  * Hair approximately 77% light brown, 21% dark blonde, 2% light grey (bordering on silver). Grey percentage lower than expected for age; potential genetic predisposition toward melanocytes with long life cycles.
  * Eyes medium to dark blue with medium brown surrounding pupils. Appear more steel grey under fluorescent lighting. Blue and brown both richer in natural light.
  * Bullet wound to left shoulder. ~~Ask to observe wound~~. ~~Find way to observe wound without subject’s knowledge.~~ Attempted discussion of wound makes subject angry and/or distant; do not attempt to observe wound at this time.
  * Psychosomatic limp, which required use of cane, disappeared once subject was provided with appropriate mental/physical stimulation. Continue to provide stimulation at regular intervals to ensure subject’s limp does not return.



 

**Routines/Habits:**

  * Coffee upon waking. 1 or 2 cups depending on sleep quality. Black.
  * Tea at regular intervals throughout the day. Consumption rate is typical of average British male. Milk, no sugar.
  * Showers in the morning. Length varies from 8 to 14 minutes. Further observation needed to determine cause of variation.
  * Sleep pattern irregular due to nightmares. Nightmares can be interrupted in early stages by aural stimulation. Tchaikovsky’s Canzonetta produces best results thus far, but more tests are needed.



 

**General Notes:**

  * Seems to have claimed red chair in sitting room as his own. (Remember not to put case files or other objects in subject’s chair.)
  * Displays a preference for wool jumpers ~~of questionable taste~~. Additional observation indicates not all jumpers are terrible.
  * Subject displays excellent hand-eye coordination, fitness level consistent with his military background, and above average intelligence. Could prove useful to the work. Continue to bring along on future cases.



 

  
*Researcher's note: Subject’s presence during case affected researcher, though the precise effects are currently undefinable. Must monitor carefully during subsequent cases.


	8. John - Email Thread with Bill Murray

**_Received from b.murray@gmail.co.uk, 8 Feb, 10:45_ **

John, I hope you get this e-mail, my last one bounced back. I’ve just seen your blog post. A Study in Pink? Are you okay? What you said at the end, about seeing the cabbie shot--just want to make sure you’re doing okay, mate.

I’ll be back in London sometime near the middle of March, we should get drinks.

Bill

 

**_Sent to b.murray@gmail.co.uk, 8 Feb, 12:22_ **

Hey Bill, I never got your last email so maybe you’d typed the address wrong? Not sure.

Yeah, I’m okay, don’t worry. My flatmate is as mad as a hatter but it just seems like another day in Wonderland to him. His brother, who is some kind of government boogeyman, tried to warn me off, actually. Said that Sherlock saw London like a battlefield. I can see why. It didn’t occur to me that he’d be so insane as to actually go off with a serial killer and try to play his game. He really was going to take that pill! He’s so arrogant, he thought there was no way he’d picked the wrong one.

It was all very life and death, you know, and I have to admit that I was startled to be back there. Apparently the cabbie, the game he played, he was outliving people. He was proud of killing people because he was living longer than them. Some of them were just kids.

In the end somebody shot the cabbie right before Sherlock could take the pill. I can’t really describe what it was like. You know how when you’re out in the field and you’re working on somebody and there’s a moment when you think, oh god I don’t know if this is working and then suddenly things slow way down and then it settles? and you realise you can at least get him back to base? It was like that, but faster. like when you’re trying to save somebody’s life and right when you think you’ve lost him, he takes another breath.

But Sherlock was okay. He doesn’t really seem phased by it at all. And so many other things have happened already, you can’t really dwell on it. I have to keep up! He’s brilliant. Working with him, even just living with him, is exhilarating.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to go on so long. Yeah, text me when you’re in London next and we’ll meet up. Number is the same as ever.

John

 

**_Received from b.murray@gmail.co.uk. 11 Feb, 17:44_ **

Looks like it’ll be the 15th through 17th of March. Keep a night open for me. You sound a bit gone on him, Johnny. I know you’re into that tall mysterious bit. Still, some of us were getting a bit worried about you. Not hearing back from you, the things you were putting up on that blog when it first started. If I hadn’t known you were in therapy I’d have been at your doorstep myself. I’d rather have an email going on about how gone you are than to not hear anything at all. I’m glad for you, John. I’ll want to hear all about it when I’m in London.

Bill

 

_Draft to b.murray@gmail.co.uk. 15 Feb, 19:01_

It’s not like that Bill. Sherlock’s just a friend. Honestly he’s not even a very good friend, he calls me an idiot about once a day. He’s a bloody awful flatmate, he’s a chemist or something so he’s always got some disgusting experiment going on. Fridge is full of body parts I guess he gets from the morgue tech. And I don’t think he’s interested in anybody. I mean, I don’t think he feels things like that. Interest. In that way. It seems to puzzle him a little bit, why anyone would bother. Just the other day I made a joke about how I’d have to get a job if I was going to get a girlfriend and he said, “Why would you want to do that?” and I said, “What, get a job?” and he said, “No, a girlfriend. Why would you want to get involved?” like it’d never occurred to him that a bloke might like to get a leg over every once and awhile.

Of course, I think if he’s interested in anything he’s interested in blokes so maybe that’s why he didn’t get it.

He certainly could do, if he wanted. I’ve seen him flirt for a case and it’s bloody ridiculous. And objectively he’s attractive. If you go in for that sort of thing. He’s mostly cheekbone. Dark hair, dark suits, pale skin. And his eyes are strange, sort of pale too. At first I thought they were blue but I think it depends on the light actually. Sometimes green, sometimes grey. His mouth is fascinating too, not just because of the things he says, he’s got this incredibly dramatic dip in the top one. Lanky body but he’s pretty strong. I think he used to do some poncy type of martial arts. Too thin, though. I keep trying to figure out what foods he likes but some days he’ll eat anything and some days nothing. Thinks it helps him to think, which is of course nonsense, but he won’t hear a word against it. Frankly he’s so bloody quick as it is that if he were any quicker it’d be terrifying instead of fascinating. His hands are huge, too, with these long fingers that are kind of nicked up from chemistry and violin-playing. Did I tell you that he plays the violin? Nothing I recognize of course but sometimes late at night when I’m having trouble sleeping he comes out and plays on the landing so I can hear it upstairs, and then I can kind of drift off. It’s easier when I know he’s there.

Jesus.

 

**_Sent to b.murray@gmail.co.uk. 15 Feb, 19:24_ **

It’s not like that Bill. Sherlock’s just a friend. Honestly he’s not even a very good friend, he calls me an idiot about once a day. He’s a bloody awful flatmate, too.

I’ll try to leave the evenings open while you’re in town so we can go out and live up some of our glory days! Let me know what day works best for you.

John


	9. Sherlock - Handwritten Note on the Back of a Receipt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A month after John moved in.

Add John’s preferred takeaway orders to observation file:

Floating Lantern - Prawn Dumplings, Crispy Spring Rolls, Steamed Chicken with Mushrooms

Thai Garden - Tom Yum, Pad See-Ew

Hotline Pizza - Fiorentina

Masala Indian Kitchen - Samosa, Lamb Korma, Peshwari Naan


	10. Sherlock - Email Thread with Sebastian Wilkes

**_Received from sebastian.wilkes@shadsanderson.co.uk, 23 Mar, 9:12_ **

Sherlock -

How’re things buddy? Been a long time since we last touched base. I’m doing great things here at Shad Sanderson, keeping them on their toes!

I hear on the grapevine that you’re now a consulting detective, cool, we always knew you’d end up doing something weird! Is there much money in it? There’s been an ‘incident’ at the bank--something we just can’t get our heads around. I know how you always used to love puzzles. I’m hoping you can sort it for me.

Please call by. Needless to say I’ll be relying on your complete discretion.

Sebastian

 

_Draft to sebastian.wilkes@shadsanderson.co.uk, 23 Mar, 12:07_

If I recall correctly--and I do--the last time you ‘relied on my discretion,’ it was because you had yet again gotten yourself in trouble for your favourite little habit and wanted my brother’s assistance with making it disappear.

If that’s the kind of puzzle you need sorted this time, you’ve come to the wrong place. My friend John and I have actual crimes to solve. I’m sure you recall how I hate wasting my time, and I won’t suffer you wasting John’s either. We have no use for you, your money, or your puzzles, Sebastian.

 

**_Sent to sebastian.wilkes@shadsanderson.co.uk, 23 Mar, 13:39_ **

We’ll be there within twenty minutes.

This case, if it can be called that, had better be worth it.

SH  
_Sent from mobile_


	11. John - Handwritten Note on the Back of a Pub Napkin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The night after John and Sherlock meet with Sebastian Wilkes.

COLLEAGUE colleague Colleague  
c o l l e a g u e ? colleague collea  
gue FRIEND? COLLEAGUE friends??  
fuck fuck fuck FUCK fuck fuck fuck


	12. Sherlock - Text Thread with Mycroft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While Sherlock is retracing Van Coon’s last steps.

[Sent]     15:31  
John received an ASBO. Do whatever it is you do  
and get rid of it.

Mycroft     15:33  
Corrupting your new friend already, I see?

[Sent]     15:34  
Colleague.

[Sent]     15:34  
Just do it, Mycroft.

Mycroft     15:35  
I’m afraid I’m terribly busy at the moment. I do  
have responsibilities other than cleaning up  
your messes, Sherlock.

[Sent]     15:47  
I’ll work one case for you.

Mycroft     15:48  
Three.

[Sent]     15:48  
One.

Mycroft     15:50  
Sorry. There’s a coup brewing in Uganda which  
urgently needs my attention.

[Sent]     15:51  
Fine. Two.

Mycroft     15:53  
It will be taken care of.


	13. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes

Mycroft     7:22  
Oh my, Dr Watson. An anti-social  
behaviour order? Your new employer  
will hardly be impressed.

[Sent]     7:27  
What do you want.

Mycroft     7:28  
I believe I could be of some assistance  
with your new legal troubles, if we  
could work out some kind of  
arrangement.

[Sent]     7:30  
I’m not interested in spy work. Betraying  
my friends is not really my forte.

Mycroft     7:31  
Are we including Sherlock in your  
count of friends now, then?

[Sent]     7:32  
Fuck off.

Mycroft     7:33  
I don’t need a spy, Dr Watson. As you  
may have noticed, Sherlock is in need  
of a few good friends.

Mycroft    7:34  
If I may be so bold, I am concerned that  
some of the places he appears to be looking  
for information are the places he once  
looked for illegal narcotics.

Mycroft     7:34  
I only wish the best for my brother. As  
such, I am looking for an ally, not a  
spy.

Mycroft     7:35  
If you would be willing to assist in helping  
to protect Sherlock against himself, I  
would be willing to make that ASBO go  
away.

[Sent]     8:02  
Fine.

_[Draft]     8:03  
_ _For Sherlock._

[Sent]     8:04  
What do I need to do? To look for?

Mycroft     8:05  
Lovely. I’ll have the file sent over.


	14. Sherlock - Observation Notes, File JW-2010-004

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Sherlock and John find the cipher in the train yard.

**Observation File Number:** JW-2010-004

 

**Routines/Habits:**

  * Subject has acquired employment at a local surgery. No indication yet of how this will affect availability for case work.

  * Subject prefers to eat at regular intervals. Skipping meals makes subject agitated. (Remember to allow time to stop for food during cases--set silent reminder on mobile if needed.)




 

**General Notes:**

  * Subject prefers to be referred to as a colleague rather than a friend. ~~Attempt to determine threshold at which subject would become comfortable with latter term.~~

  * ~~~~Subject demonstrated considerable resourcefulness and forethought in taking photo of cipher. ~~John~~ Subject is becoming an asset to the work.

  * Subject has taken interest in a female coworker at his new job. Discourage relationship, as it will further prevent subject’s assistance with cases.




 

**Researcher Notes:**

  * Though subject does not often directly contribute to the observation and deduction process during casework, he makes a surprisingly good sounding board for researcher’s own thoughts. It is somehow easier to organize fragments into a meaningful pattern with subject present. This effect was unexpected. Further study required.




 

**To Do:**

  * Compile index of subject’s jumpers, rated on a 7-point scale of acceptableness. Rearrange subject’s wardrobe using said index to encourage the wearing of the more acceptable garments;  ~~burn~~ ~~hide~~  bury less acceptable ones in the back of subject’s wardrobe.




	15. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

Living and working with Sherlock makes it hard to have something like a normal life, but in addition to my getting a job this week, I’ve also managed to get a date! I met her at the job, actually. She’s called Sarah and she’s great. After everything that’s happened with the case Sherlock has been working--more about that later--I could use a night out.

We’re going to the cinema and to dinner, something perfectly ordinary. I won’t be getting shot at, and no one else will either. I won’t have to worry about anything other than whether my dinner choice has too much garlic in it. And whether Sherlock is running off and doing something foolish, but hopefully he can manage just one night without me.

Sarah is exactly the sort of person I ought to be looking for, honestly. Smart, but not smart in that way that makes you feel like all your secrets are laid out like headlines in a newspaper. Not shy, but not actually rude or anything. The most dangerous thing she encounters on a day to day basis is a particularly fussy case of whooping cough. The sort of person I’d take home to meet my mum and dad. They’d probably like her.

Sherlock might even like her.

Or he’ll deduce something really out of line about her and that will be the end of things. I don’t really know how he’ll react to me dating. Seeing as how I’ve been unemployed and he doesn’t have a real job, we spend a lot of time together. But it will probably be good for us to spend some time apart. He’s so intense, all the time, that I just get caught up in it and I’ve not been very good about keeping up with people.

Now I’m going to be late because I’ve spent too much time talking about him. Do you see what I mean? He just . . . takes up all the space in my head. It will be good to get out with someone new for a while. 


	16. Sherlock - Handwritten Note to John (Undelivered)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the completion of the Van Coon and Lukis case.

If you’re going to continue to insist on wearing appalling jumpers, the striped one you wore today was less unacceptable than the others. Consider doing us all a favour by wearing it more frequently.


	17. John - Text Thread with Harry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The day after John posts The Blind Banker to his blog.

Harry     23:12  
John

Harry     23:14  
John

Harry     23:17  
John John John

[Sent]     23:18  
Where are you?

Harry     23:22  
At home. Spoilsport. When am I going  
to meet your new boyfriend!!

[Sent]     23:23  
Hopefully never. What have you had  
to drink?

Harry     23:24  
Never!? I don’t think so! The pictures you  
put up make him look like a dreamboat!!

Harry     23:24  
And it’s just a bit of wine. Don’t be such a  
wet rag.

 _[Draft]     23:25_  
_It’s never just a bit with you. You’ll end_  
_up just like Dad._

Harry     23:25  
When can I come visit?

[Sent]     23:27  
I’m a bit busy at the moment. When I  
get my work schedule for next week I’ll  
ring you and we’ll meet for lunch.

Harry     23:28  
I want to meet him!! Bring him to lunch!

[Sent]     23:30  
I’m not bringing him to lunch.

 _[Draft]     23:31_  
_The last thing he needs is to be around_  
_another addict._

[Sent]     23:33  
It’s late. Go to sleep. I’ll text you later  
when I get my schedule.

Harry     23:35  
Fine. You’re no fun!!!

Harry     23:37  
Funny though . . . You knew I meant  
Sherlock.

Harry     23:38  
And you never even mentioned this  
Sarah you wrote in your blog about.

Harry     23:38  
Just something to think about.

_[Draft]     23:42  
He’s_

_[Draft]     23:42  
It’s not_

_[Draft]     23:42  
Don’t _

_[Draft]     23:43  
I’m not_

[Sent]     23:45  
You can’t meet her either. Go to  
bed. Good night.


	18. Sherlock - Text Thread with Lestrade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During John and Sarah’s second date.

[Sent]     20:21  
Case?

Lestrade     20:24  
Didn’t you just finish a case?

[Sent]     20:25  
Yes. Need another.

Lestrade     20:27  
Already? Normally you can at least manage a   
few days after a case ends before you get   
bored.

Lestrade     20:27  
I would’ve thought with John there now, that   
might keep you entertained a bit longer than   
normal, too.

[Sent]     20:29  
John’s not here.

Lestrade     20:30  
Oh?

_[Draft]     20:31_   
_He went on a date. It’s insufferable. Why do_   
_people insist on doing that? Why does he_

_[Draft]     20:31_   
_He’s on a date. Again. With what’s her face_   
_from the surgery. I would’ve thought the_   
_kidnapping would have scared her off but_

[Sent]     20:33  
He’s out for the evening.

Lestrade     20:36  
Well, I don’t have a case for you.

[Sent]     20:36  
Then what exactly are you good for?

Lestrade     20:38  
I can’t just make crimes happen!

Lestrade     20:39  
And don’t even think about going out and   
provoking someone to commit murder.

Lestrade     20:47  
Look, I’m sure something will turn up soon. I’ll   
let you know when I’ve got something for you. 


	19. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During John and Sarah’s second date.

_[Draft]     20:22_   
_We have a case. Meet me at_

 _[Draft]     20:34_   
_What exactly are you expecting to accomplish_   
_on this date? She clearly doesn’t sleep with_   
_anyone until she feels safe with them, and after_   
_your last date turned into a kidnapping, it will_   
_be quite a while before she feels that way about  
you._

 _[Draft]     20:49_   
_Lestrade won’t give me a case, but I know he_   
_must have one._

 _[Draft]     21:05_   
_I’m hungry._

 _[Draft]     21:21_   
_The flat is on fire._

 _[Draft]     21:38_   
_Pick up some milk on your way home._

 _[Draft]     21:56_   
_Why_

 


	20. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes and Greg Lestrade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the explosion across the street from 221B.

[Sent]     7:43  
I’m on my way home, what happened??

[Sent]     7:43  
What’s going on???

[Sent]     7:44  
I’ve just seen the news reports, are either  
of you at Baker St? is Sherlock ok?

[Sent]     7:44  
Is Mrs Hudson ok? Is Sherlock ok?

_[Draft]     7:45  
Is he alright? We’d been arguing_

Mycroft     7:45  
Everyone is fine. No injuries sustained  
by either party.

Lestrade     7:46  
They’re okay! A bit shaken up. Where  
were you? This happened hours ago!

[Sent]     7:48  
HOURS ago? I JUST saw the reports!  
Why didn’t anyone call me!

[Sent]     7:50  
Hello!? Is anyone going to answer? I’m  
in a cab, I’m coming

Lestrade     7:51  
Sherlock said he’d contact you. Did he not?

Mycroft     7:52  
Sherlock said you were busy.

_[Draft]     7:54  
Why wouldn’t he call? It was just Sarah _

[Sent]     7:55  
Where is Mrs Hudson? Is Sherlock at  
the flat?

Mycroft     7:56  
They are both here. The damage has  
already been tidied, as much as  
Sherlock will allow it to be. I will have  
someone out to look at the windows  
later today.

[Sent]     7:58  
What do you mean damage??? Why  
would you think I wouldn’t want to know  
my flat had been blown up?

 _[Draft]     8:00_  
_Are you sure he’s alright? Are you SURE  
Sometimes he_

Lestrade     8:02  
Sorry, Sherlock said he’d ring you.

Mycroft     8:03  
Perhaps it’s best that you see for yourself,  
Doctor Watson.

[Sent]     8:05  
I’m almost there.


	21. John - Draft Email to [Insert Address]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the fourth pip is delivered.

_Draft to [Insert Address]. 30 Mar, 19:44_

We’re working this case right now, me and Sherlock. Twelve people have died--you might’ve seen it in the news, that block of flats that blew up? They’re calling it a gas leak, but it wasn’t. And Sherlock said he wouldn’t care about them. Threw me off to hear him say it. Made my stomach churn a bit even, until I realised what he was doing.They always tell you, in school or wherever, to care about the body on the table instead of the life because you’re not really saving the life, you’re saving the body the life lives in. It doesn’t matter whether that person has two kids or a dog or what they do for a living or whatever because none of that is going to help you find what you’re looking for in the mess of blood and organs and caring only makes it harder. You do though. Care about them. At least a little. That’s human nature, it’s in our nature to care. 

And yes, sometimes you lose. Sometimes you put your hands into a person’s body and try to save their life and you lose. Doesn’t matter whether you never saw them before in your life or if you laughed with them or whatever. The only difference it makes is whether you know what you lost. In Afghanistan you lose a lot. 

These people, they didn’t sign up for this. They didn’t volunteer for war. They’re just caught up in some madman’s game. Sherlock thought it was a game, but it’s not, it’s turned out not to be a game at all and now people have died. 

And he says he won’t care about them because it won’t help him solve the puzzle and it’s the same, right, the puzzle is the body, but the life in it isn’t irrelevant. He says he won’t care about them but I saw him when that call cut off. His face. And the silence in the cab on the way home and he was so quiet, he was quiet for so long like he was thinking but I didn’t think he was really thinking about anything. It was like the stopgap between losing a life and having to tell someone who loved that life that it’s gone, that awful moment where you have to put away everything and swallow back yourself. He’s so used to doing that by himself. He’s so used to being alone. He’s not though. He’s not.


	22. Sherlock - Note Saved to His Mobile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Sherlock is on his way to the pool.

Don’t forget to pick up milk and beans for John before you come home.


	23. Sherlock - Text Thread with Mycroft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the pool.

[Sent]     00:31  
How in the hell did you let him take John?

Mycroft     00:33  
What is going on, Sherlock? What happened to   
Dr Watson?

Mycroft     00:33  
I’ll send a car. Please don’t go after him on your   
own.

[Sent]     00:34  
It’s already done. He’s home now. Safe. No  
thanks to you.

_[Draft]     00:34_   
_I found him strapped in a semtex vest, for god’s_  
_sake. I don’t know_

[Sent]     00:35  
If you’re going to insist on watching everything   
that I do, the least you could do is put all those   
cameras to use for something worthwhile. Why  
weren’t you watching him?

Mycroft     00:36  
I believe you were the one who told me to leave   
the dear doctor alone, Sherlock. I was simply   
doing as you requested.

[Sent]     00:36  
Since when do you do what I ask?

[Sent]     00:36  
I want him watched, Mycroft. Afford him the  
same level of protection you give me.

Mycroft     00:38  
Shouldn’t you consult Dr Watson on this? Ask   
him how he feels about being placed under   
surveillance?

[Sent]     00:38  
You don’t give a damn about how I feel about it,   
why would you care what he thinks?

Mycroft     00:39  
I have no problem with being the subject of Dr   
Watson’s ire. You, on the other hand... Are you   
certain you’re prepared for the potential fallout,   
should he discover what you’ve asked of me?

 _[Draft]     00:40_   
_I don’t care. I can’t lo_

[Sent]     00:40  
Just do it.


	24. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While John is in New Zealand in April, after the publication of The Great Game to John's blog.

New Zealand is nice. It’s pretty. People are nice here. Nicer than they are in London, at any rate. Sarah is here too and we’ve had a little bit of fun. I don’t know why I invited her. We’ve not really been dating that long, but we’ve had fun. Of course.

Sherlock is back in London and he’s not answering my emails or my texts. Mrs Hudson emailed me to say he’s fine, although he’s been sulking a lot. I hope he really is fine. I hope he’s sulking and not, you know. After the pool, and the bombs, and Moriarty, I just hope he’s alright. I asked him not to take any cases on his own while I’m gone and at least call Lestrade but he’ll probably get bored and do it anyway.

I had wanted to get away for a while, from all that, but I haven’t really been able to relax here. Probably should have stayed at home. Laid low a little. We could’ve taken a few weeks off cases and just stuck close to the flat. I’ve had a few nightmares. That pool, and a little Afghanistan, and sometimes it’s Sherlock in Afghanistan which is--I don't know. 

I’ve told Sarah that I’m quitting the surgery when we get back. I can’t do both, it seems. I need to be there. If there's another case, if something were to happen. I need to be there.


	25. Sherlock - Observation Notes, File JW-2010-005

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After John leaves for New Zealand.

**Observation File Number:** JW-2010-005

**General Notes:**

  * Subject’s role is becoming less that of an assistant and more that of a partner in the work. While this is not necessarily what the researcher had anticipated, it is a welcome turn of events nonetheless. ~~John~~ Subject has proved capable of handling some casework on his own--interviewing relevant parties, examining crime scenes, etc. Find ways to minimize his time at the surgery so that he can continue to participate in as many cases as possible.
  * ~~I was~~ Researcher was ~~shaken~~ affected by subject’s unforeseen appearance at the pool. I was ~~troubled~~ ~~panicked~~ alarmed at finding ~~John~~ subject with a bomb strapped to his chest, the resolution of the game becoming secondary to my concern for his well-being, an effect heretofore unobserved in prior cases--there is always a concern for the safety of the innocent in any case, but the magnitude of my concern when John was in danger was unexpected. John, on the other hand, was admirably calm and level-headed--a remnant of his army days certainly--and his selflessness was ~~unanticipated. No, that’s not right. Of course John is selfless--he’s a doctor and a soldier and the far better man of the two of us.~~ remarkable. His offer of his own life in exchange for mine, and the quickness with which he volunteered it, is what was unanticipated. That he would sacrifice himself to save others, yes, that I understand. But to do that for me? That isn’t something I could have ever predicted. It was __________ ~~Moving?~~ I’m uncertain of how to explain my ~~thoughts~~ feelings on the matter. This kind of sentiment is unprecedented; I need to examine it further.
  * ~~There are far worse ways to die than by John’s side.~~



  
*Some of these notes should be listed under Researcher’s Notes instead of General Notes. Reorganize this into the standardized format as soon as possible.


	26. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The time difference between London and New Zealand is an even twelve hours.

_[Draft]     4:23_  
_Did you land yet? I don’t know what time your_  
_flight was getting in. I’m sure you must have left_  
_me a note somewhere, but I can’t be bothered_  
_to get up and find it._

 _[Draft]     4:24_  
_I’m bored already._

 _[Draft]     4:25_  
_Do you really need to leave the country in order_  
_to have sex with that doctor woman?_

John     5:49  
You alright?

John     6:04  
I’ve landed in NZ. You can text me here, or  
email, or whatever.

John     6:32  
Eat something.

_[Draft]     6:33  
I ordered takeaway, but _

\--------------------------------------------------

John     19:55  
Everything alright?

 _[Draft]     19:55_  
_Oh yes, perfect. You’re in New Zealand with_  
_your girlfriend, and I’m just here reliving_

\--------------------------------------------------

John     20:17  
Hey answer me

John     20:24  
It’s been 2 days. No texts, no emails. Are  
you alright?

 _[Draft]     20:25_  
_I don’t know. Are you?_

 _[Draft]     20:32_  
_I keep thinking about_

[Sent]     20:41  
Fine.

John     20:45  
Fine? what is that supposed to mean? you  
don’t respond but you’re fine?

[Sent]     20:47  
It means just that. I’m fine, John. I’ve just been  
keeping myself occupied around the flat. You  
know, experiments, tuning out Mrs Hudson,  
needling Mycroft. The usual.

John     20:51  
I am on holiday. I’m holidaying. Nz is lovely.

John     20:52  
Nothing dangerous tho? don’t run up the  
charges on our rent. Mrs H puts up with  
enough already.

John     20:53  
No cases?

 _[Draft]     20:53_  
_I promised you I wouldn’t take any while you’re_  
_away, didn’t I? So no._

[Sent]     20:53  
No cases.

[Sent]     20:54  
And nothing dangerous either. Don’t worry  
about the flat.

[Sent]     20:55  
Shouldn’t you be out holidaying rather than  
texting me?

John     20:59  
Good.

John     20:59  
I can multitask. I’m waiting for Sarah to  
come out of the loo before we go out to the  
beach for a bit.

John     21:01  
Just wanted to check in. I’d not heard from you.

 _[Draft]     21:01_  
_Oh good. I’m sure Sarah’s just_

[Sent]     21:27  
Right, well, as I said, I’ve been busy.

John     21:28  
Okay well. I’ll be back before the end of the  
month. Text me if anything happens. Or email  
is fine.

John     21:29  
Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.

[Sent]     21:30  
Stupid? Impossible. I never do anything stupid.  
Dangerous perhaps. Reckless. Rash. But never  
stupid.

 _[Draft]     21:30_  
_At least not while you’re not here to back me_  
_up._

[Sent]     21:31  
And nothing is going to happen. Go enjoy your  
holiday, and stop worrying. I CAN take care of  
myself, John.

John     21:35  
Good night Sherlock. I’ll talk to you later.

[Sent]     21:36  
Good morning, John.

 _[Draft]     21:36_  
_Come home s_


	27. John - Text Thread with Sherlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The time difference between London and New Zealand is an even twelve hours. John's texts reflect what time it is in London, rather than New Zealand.

[Sent]     5:49  
You alright?

[Sent]     6:04  
I’ve landed in NZ. You can text me here, or  
email, or whatever.

[Sent]     6:32  
Eat something.

\--------------------------------------------------

[Sent]     19:55  
Everything alright?

_[Draft]     23:12  
Damnit answer me. Please I_

_[Draft]     23:27_  
_I need_

 _[Draft]     23:28_  
_Please_

\--------------------------------------------------

[Sent]     20:17  
Hey answer me

[Sent]     20:24  
It’s been 2 days. No texts, no emails. Are  
you alright?

Sherlock     20:41  
Fine.

[Sent]     20:45  
Fine? what is that supposed to mean? you  
don’t respond but you’re fine?

Sherlock     20:47  
It means just that. I’m fine, John. I’ve just been  
keeping myself occupied around the flat. You  
know, experiments, tuning out Mrs Hudson,  
needling Mycroft. The usual.

[Sent]     20:51  
I am on holiday. I’m holidaying. Nz is lovely.

[Sent]     20:52  
Nothing dangerous tho? don’t run up the  
charges on our rent. Mrs H puts up with  
enough already.

[Sent]     20:53  
No cases?

Sherlock     20:53  
No cases.

Sherlock     20:54  
And nothing dangerous either. Don’t worry  
about the flat.

Sherlock     20:55  
Shouldn’t you be out holidaying rather than  
texting me?

 _[Draft]     20:56_  
_I’m not worried about the flat._

[Sent]     20:59  
Good.

[Sent]     20:59  
I can multitask. I’m waiting for Sarah to  
come out of the loo before we go out to the  
beach for a bit.

[Sent]     21:01  
Just wanted to check in. I’d not heard from you.

Sherlock     21:27  
Right, well, as I said, I’ve been busy.

[Sent]     21:28  
Okay well. I’ll be back before the end of the  
month. Text me if anything happens. Or email  
is fine.

[Sent]     21:29  
Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.

Sherlock     21:30  
Stupid? Impossible. I never do anything stupid.  
Dangerous perhaps. Reckless. Rash. But never  
stupid.

 _[Draft]     21:31_  
_Don’t do that. Don’t act_

Sherlock     21:31  
And nothing is going to happen. Go enjoy your  
holiday, and stop worrying. I CAN take care of  
myself, John.

 _[Draft]     21:33_  
_I know you can I just_

[Sent]     21:35  
Good night Sherlock. I’ll talk to you later.

Sherlock     21:36  
Good morning, John.

 _[Draft]     22:01_  
_I wish_


	28. Sherlock - Email Thread with Mrs Hudson

**_Sent to mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 2 May, 15:18_ **

John has ended his relationship with Sarah.

Sherlock Holmes

 

**_Received from mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 2 May, 15:24_ **

Is the poor dear upset? Just be nice to him, Sherlock.

 

**_Sent to mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 2 May, 15:25_ **

I am nice to him.

But shouldn’t I do something? Isn’t that what people do?

Sherlock Holmes

 

**_Received from mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 2 May, 15:33_ **

If you want to do something, just do something thoughtful for him. Make him dinner or buy him something he likes. But honestly all you need to do is be there for him.

I have to go now, dear. My sister and I are going out for dinner.

Take care of John.


	29. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Immediately following the events John will later detail in the [The Geek Interpreter](http://www.johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/16june).

[Sent]     2:56  
I need a suture kit w local anesth, 2  
oral dose morphine 10 mg, gauze,  
bandages, and an ice pack at Baker  
St ASAP

Mycroft     2:59  
Typically one visits a medical  
facility for such needs, Dr Watson.

Mycroft     3:04  
What sort of case requires you two to  
be running around dressed as ninjas?  
Historically inaccurate, I might add.  
Culturally insensitive, too.

[Sent]     3:06  
I would love to debate the issues with  
you but your little brother is bleeding  
from a head wound so if you could  
table that for later this evening and  
just get me some supplies I’m sure we  
all would appreciate it

Mycroft     3:07  
A head wound? He needs hospital,  
not a Frankenstein stitch job in the  
bathroom.

[Sent]     3:09  
He locked me out of the bathroom when  
I said as much.

[Sent]     3:10  
Apparently being forced into an a&e  
against his will is something of a sore  
subject

[Sent]     3:10  
You wouldn’t know anything about that  
though now would you.

Mycroft     3:12  
The thing Sherlock dislikes about A&E is  
that they always run a narcotics panel. Is  
that something we are worried he might  
fail?

[Sent]     3:16  
no and you can fuck right off with that.  
He’s locked in the bathroom alone  
bleeding through a towel and until you  
get me the things I need to fix it, there’s  
nothing I can do to help him.

[Sent]     3:17  
And don’t you dare leave out the  
morphine.

Mycroft     3:18  
Let me know if he takes it.

Mycroft     3:20  
I’m surprised that one of your clients  
could have inflicted this much damage.  
Particularly this client: Christopher Melas?

[Sent]     3:22  
He should’ve just landed a few punches,  
nothing major. Sherlock fell though. Hit  
his head. He’s still locked in the  
bathroom so I can’t even look at it to  
see how bad the damage is. I don’t even  
know if he has a concussion.

_[Draft]     3:24_   
_He’s talking to me though. if he stops_   
_I’m going to smash the window in the_   
_door to his bedroom. I can see him_   
_through it all blurred. He looks like he’s_   
_trying to decide whether to trust me._

[Sent]     4:51  
Thank you.


	30. Sherlock - Website Post Saved to Drafts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After John posts [The Speckled Blonde](http://www.johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/13july).

Why is it that you all seem to be far more interested in John’s website than mine? His blog is full of over-romanticized accounts of the cases we’ve solved together. Is that really what all of you want to read? Is no one interested in the actual science behind what we do? I suppose not, as none of you have read the extensive tobacco ash analysis I posted last week. I should just take it down. 

John claims no one is reading this website at all. He’s under the impression that no one cares about anything that I write here. He doesn’t understand the point. I know that the information on this site is beyond the comprehension of, frankly, most of you, but surely there are some out there who are interested in logic and facts and actual science. John doesn’t seem to think so. I don’t know why his opinion matters anyway. I mean, it doesn’t. I don’t care what he thinks, but if you’re all so much more interested in what he’s writing on his blog, maybe I should stop posting here altogether. If you need something, you can just contact us through his inane blog instead, seeing as it’s apparently so popular now.


	31. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After John posts [The Speckled Blonde](http://www.johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/13july).

This could be it, you know. I could do this for the rest of my life. Running around with Sherlock Holmes. The pay is pretty shit for the most part, but. It’s dangerous. And it’s important work, the stuff he does. And it’s fantastic, the way he does it. 

I couldn’t really publish that and I know it, but I want to write these words out because I want to see what they look like out on a screen. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I just want to see it, in a physical form, and this seems like the safest place to do it.

We were investigating the Julia Stoner case and he wanted me to come stay the night with him in her apartment. Sherlock Holmes wanted me to come stay the night with him in her bed.

I said in the actual post that I was going to sleep on the floor, but I wasn’t actually sure what I was going to do. It ended up not mattering because Helen was there and she’d said that before Julia went to bed she’d had a bath, and that was the end of it, but on our way over there, Sherlock deduced that I preferred the left side of the bed. Left handed and all. He said “It’s a good thing too because I prefer the right.” Like he was really expecting us to get into bed together. And then when we got there and saw the bed, it was just a double, not very big, and I thought about getting down to our vests and boxers and getting into bed together and it seemed like it was really going to happen and it shouldn’t have felt like that was going to be a big deal. It shouldn’t have felt significant. If only I knew what he was thinking maybe it would have made sense.

And here’s what I want to write down. I don’t want anyone else to see it but I need to see it written down. In black and white. To try and make some sense of it.

I wanted to get into that bed with Sherlock.

It wasn’t like a sex thing. I don’t even know if Sherlock is interested in that sort of thing. But he would’ve been warm and I kind of wanted to know about that. You know how when you sleep with someone and you wake up in the morning and they smell warm, it’s their smell but more their smell? That’s what I was thinking about.

So I wanted to. 

That’s not actually very helpful at all.


	32. Sherlock - Draft Comment on John’s Blog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draft comment on John’s [Hat-Man and Robin](http://www.johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/12august) blog post.

You’re right, John. I’m not amused. Nor should you be. Your blog is drawing far too much attention to the both of us. How am I supposed to get information out of guilty parties if they recognize my face? Or yours? Private detectives don’t have public images for this very reason. Anonymity is key. It’s harder to do the work you and I need to do if everyone knows who we are. And it goes beyond the cases. Now strangers are coming up to us when we’re not even working, and it’s hateful. There was that detestable woman who interrupted us during dinner last night because she wanted to take a picture with us. For God’s sake, do you want us to be ambushed everywhere we go? People shouldn’t be interrupting our meals or flagging us down on the pavement. It’s ridiculous. Is it so much to ask to want to keep our private life private? But no, because of your blog, everyone thinks they know me. Know us. They expect things now--deductions and scathing retorts and whatever else you write about me on this idiotic blog of yours. And the ridiculous thing is that I have to comply. It’s what I do. In public at least. Not because they expect it but because I don’t know how else to be, John, not around them anyway. In front of all of them, I have to be Sherlock Holmes, Consulting Detective. I have to be clever and cunning and sharp-tongued all the time. And now I have to wear that damnable hat, too. When sometimes all I really want is to have a quiet dinner with my flatmate, to relax, to actually be myself, a bit at least. As much as I can manage. It still isn’t easy. But I’m trying, for you. Because I know that oh what in the hell am I writing what am I even saying I can’t post this stupid stupid


	33. Sherlock - Note Saved to His Mobile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While Sherlock is drugged.

ddon;t letj ohn get  
din’t let othher poeple keeptrying toh urt john  
gun ot Joohn”s sandy hea d nott goood  
$top this  
musst prot3ct himbe tter


	34. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While Sherlock is drugged.

This is becoming something of a journal in the drafts but I don’t care. Seems safer to do it in the drafts than to write it down anywhere in the flat. Sherlock can hack the blog but he doesn’t look in the drafts. 

He’s drugged right now. Sherlock. Irene Adler stuck him with something and then flounced off without saying what it was or how much of a dose or anything, like it’s totally fine to drug an ex-addict and expect it to be alright. Maybe she didn’t know, but who does that? We’ve both been assaulted before of course, that’s the nature of the work we do, but not with drugs. It feels personal. Too close to home. Lestrade helped me get him home and into bed. So of course I’m sat in the kitchen, not getting any rest, not doing anything fun, waiting around just in case he wakes up and needs something. I keep telling myself I’m being utterly ridiculous, and that he’s a grown man and he can certainly handle a few drugs, but without knowing what the drug was or how much, I can’t make myself step away.


	35. Sherlock - Draft Comment on John’s Blog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draft comment on John’s [By Royal Appointment](http://www.johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/15september) blog post.

Interest? I would think you know me better than that by now, John, but as always, you apparently see but do not observe.


	36. Sherlock - Text Thread with the Woman

The Woman     21:14  
Till the next time, Mr Holmes

\--------------------------------------------------

The Woman     9:38  
Good morning, Mr Holmes

The Woman     9:38  
Feeling better?

The Woman     9:39  
I’m fine since you didn’t ask

The Woman     16:52  
Let’s have dinner.

\--------------------------------------------------

The Woman     17:17 _  
_ Why are you ignoring me, Mr Holmes?

The Woman     17:21 _  
_ Let’s have dinner.

\--------------------------------------------------

The Woman     8:25  
I’m free tonight, let’s have dinner.

\--------------------------------------------------

The Woman     16:45  
There’s another one of those hat photographs  
in the paper.

The Woman     16:45  
You look quite dashing.

The Woman     16:45  
I’m not hungry, let’s have dinner.

\--------------------------------------------------

The Woman     19:33  
Bored in a hotel. Join me. Let’s have dinner.

\--------------------------------------------------

The Woman     18:01  
I’ve been reading up on you.

The Woman     18:02  
John’s blog is HILARIOUS. I think he likes you  
more than I do. Let’s have dinner.

_[Draft]     18:02_  
_Oh for god’s sake, don’t drag John into_  
_whatever this is that you’re playing at. You_  
_don’t know_

_[Draft]     18:04  
Why does everyone seem to think that he_

_[Draft]     18:21  
I don’t know that he does actu_


	37. John - Handwritten Note Kept Inside an Old Copy of the BMJ

Tues morning - 3  
Tues evening - 1  
Wed eve - 2  
\-----  
6? at least

Sun morning - 1 (wish I could live the rest of my life without ever hearing that noise before 9 am  
again)  
Wed afternoon - 3  
Sat evening - 1  
+6  
\-----  
11 

another 2 this Thurs and 3 last night = 16  
Fri - 2 (it had been two weeks since the last - guess I shouldn’t get my hopes up)  
Sat - 4  
Sun - 2 (she must be bored this weekend! up to 24)

another 6 (SIX!! S I X !? 666? is that a joke?) on Halloween

Weds, Thurs, Fri - 1 each = 33  
21st Sunday - 2 - 35  
23rd Tues - total 37  
Fri - 40

Mon - 2  
Weds - 2  
Thurs & Fri - 2 - 48 (makes me want to grab that phone and smash it)

four while we were investigating the six Thatchers case - almost threw it in the Thames. He’s in a piss poor mood when he’s getting a lot of them at once. 3 the night the blog post went up. 55.  
thought he was going to break his violin. 

22 Dec - 1  
1 Christmas Eve - 57  
seems this will be the last of them


	38. Sherlock - Observation Notes, Various Files

**Observation File Number:** JW-2010-042

  * John’s relationship with his most recent girlfriend--the teacher, I think--has ended. (It’s for the best. She was boring.)  
  
(He deserves better.)



 

* * *

 

 **Observation File Number:** IA-2010-003

 **Status:** Deceased

**General Notes:**

  * Subject died of blunt force trauma to the head. Researcher performed the identification of the body. Subject’s face was mostly unrecognizable but seemed to be a match as best the researcher could tell; body measurements used to confirm. Additionally, subject sent researcher her camera phone, which she would only have done if the situation in which she had found herself had been quite dire.



 

This is what happens when the one who’s chasing you finally catches up to you. And she was clever. Cunning. She knew how to hide and how to lie and how not to trust, and still she’s dead. What happens when he finally

What happens to me

What happens to John?

It was her. It was her there on that slab but all I could see were deep blue eyes and sandy hair and a small but sturdy frame, and I can’t shake it. I can’t. It’s still there. Still.

And then there’s Mycroft--all lives end, all hearts are broken. I know that. He’s said it enough. That’s why I’ve done this after all. Kept myself from all this. And it worked. For so long, it worked. It worked and then

 

* * *

 

 **Observation File Number:** MHu-2010-013

**General Notes:**

  * Subject was attacked and held at gunpoint by CIA agents. John suggested she take some time away, but it will be better for her to remain here where we can observe any lingering physical or psychological effects.
  * While subject is capable of holding her own to some extent, researcher must endeavour not to put her in any further circumstances such as this. Because this is entirely my fault.  They went after her to get to me. It’s the pool all over again. Caring is not an advantage. Caring is not an advantage. Caring is not an advantage. It’s not. It’s not. If they had truly hurt her. Or John, if he had been there instead of her, if



 

* * *

 

 **Observation File Number:** IA-2010-004

 **Status:** Alive

**General Notes:**

  * Subject faked her death to throw off those pursuing her. A logical strategy--it has potential--though it would have worked better for her had she stayed dead for longer than a week and if she hadn’t revealed herself to John.



 

WHY did she say that? Why? We’re not a couple. We’re not. John was right to deny it. We’re not a couple. Yes you are, she said. We’re not. Are we? No. We’re not.

I don’t

John doesn’t think that

Does he?

No. No, he said it, flat out, he’s not gay. Obvious. He dates women. He’s not gay. Not interested. But not gay doesn’t mean heterosexual either. So maybe

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know

What does it mean?

What does it MATTER?

It shouldn’t. It doesn’t. I don’t feel that way about

Oh who am I kidding? Clearly I feel something for him

Friend? I don’t know. Something more than that certainly. Some kind of legitimate ??? interest

Look at us both

That’s what she said. Look at us both.

Her interest has been quite clear from the start. But John. He’s not

Is he?

 

* * *

 

 **Observation File Number:** JW-2011-001

He hasn’t mentioned the conversation with Irene since it happened two weeks ago. He must know I overheard them. Why hasn’t he said anything? Is he ashamed? Does he think I got the wrong idea? DID I get the wrong idea? I don’t even know what idea I have, so how could I have the wrong one? Why does this have to be so damnably difficult? This is ridiculous. If he doesn’t want to say anything about it, that’s fine. I’m not going to delete it, but if he doesn’t want to talk about it, fine. Maybe it’s better this way. Things can just go back to normal. Nothing’s changed. Has it? I don’t know. No, it hasn’t. Everything is fine. We’ll just carry on as we were. And maybe everything will become clearer with time. Or it won’t, and I’ll be stuck in this hell until I crack. How do people do this? How do they just walk up to others and say, oh I think that maybe I fancy you, just a bit, something a little more than friends, and someone who is well-versed in knowing what other people like indicated that perhaps, maybe, there might be a remote possibility that you might fancy me, too, and I just wanted to find out whether or not that was true. Other people--stupid people, simple common everyday utterly ordinary people--do this kind of thing all the time. So why is it so bloody difficult? 

No. Stop this. Just let it be. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He wants things to be normal. Just leave it alone. Maybe this is just what it’s like to be good friends. Don’t know--don’t have much to compare that to. So maybe that’s it. Or maybe not. Maybe he does feel something, too. But it doesn’t matter because if he doesn’t want to talk about it, I’m only going to push him away by trying to bring it up. I’ll just let whatever happens happen. I’ll keep observing. I’ll figure it out.

 

 

 

  
  
Don’t forget to make a reservation at Angelo’s for 29 Jan.


	39. John - Grocery List Kept in a Back Pocket

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About six weeks after Irene Adler's brief reappearance at Battersea Station.

eggs  
noodles - Mrs H brought up homemade sauce - baked ziti?  
mozzerella - for ziti  
chicken  
bread  
veg - tomatoes/lettuce/etc etc  
~~oranges~~ clementines

nibbles - Valentines on Mon - gherkins/cheddar/nuts - he likes the salty cashew mix - grapes?  
             choco? choco almonds?  
wine - Sherlock prefers reds


	40. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

Having her in the flat, finding her in his _bed_. In his bed! Just tucked right in under the covers like she belonged there! With her head on his pillow! On the right hand side! It’s driving me nuts. 

Just when I thought the whole thing with her was over, just when I thought we were going to finally move on from it, here she is in his bed, in his dressing gown, floating around being suggestive and whatever. The wine I bought went unopened. I shouldn’t have to be made uncomfortable in my own home. Unbelievable.

Sherlock . . . likes her, I think. He doesn’t usually care what people think about him, but with her, it’s like he wants to impress her. He wants to prove something. I’m not sure what. She’s beaten him once. Maybe that’s it. She’s a challenge, a tall gorgeous challenge in designer heels. I’ll never


	41. Sherlock - Handwritten Note Kept with Irene’s Phone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The evening after John gives Sherlock Irene's phone.

Love is dangerous, destructive

dulls the mind

causes people to make mistakes

distracts them

creates a weakness that can be exploited

  
  
  
  
  


 

 

Could it be worth it?


	42. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After John returns Irene Adler's file to Mycroft.

Irene Adler is gone for good now. Mycroft said she was “the one woman who mattered” to Sherlock. I said that was ridiculous and that he hated her at the end, but when I came up to tell him, he couldn’t even keep his seat when I said her name. As soon as I said it was about her, he was all, what’s happened, is she back? Kept her stupid bloody phone even though it’s stupid bloody blank. Very like a high functioning sociopath, to hang onto a keepsake from a woman you supposedly don’t care whether you ever see again. Supposedly. He had said in the end that she was in love with him. That’s how he solved it. But maybe he knew because he recognized what he felt in her. Maybe he can only see it in someone when he feels it back. Suppose I should be grateful then. Keeps things much less complicated around here.


	43. John - Handwritten Note Tacked to the Inside of John’s Wardrobe

Days without a cigarette: III

 

NEVER EVER ATTEMPT CLUEDO

WHILE HE IS QUITTING SMOKING

EVER EVER EVER EVER


	44. Sherlock - Torn Notebook Page Tucked Inside of The Diary of Jack the Ripper

3 days and 8 hours

  8.5 hours why the hell did I let John talk me into this?

8.75 hours   
        I just want one. Maybe he’ll let me have one.

10 hours. Cluedo helped. Distraction. John’s angry now though. Says the victim can’t be the suspect. He’s wrong of course. Wrong and angry. Me saying he’s wrong makes him angrier. Angry John makes me need a cigarette. Maybe…  
                                  No. Still angry. Still no cigarettes.

 

Why did I let him hide them?

      14 hours

  
14.125 hours I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this

 

Places cigarettes are not:

  * Skull

  * Slipper

  * Desk drawer

  * John’s nightstand

  * My nightstand

  * John’s gun safe

  * Teapot (the good one, haven’t checked the everyday one no not there either

  * Pockets of any of my dressing gowns

  * Pocket of John’s dressing gown




 

17.625 hours - John wants to go to dinner at Angelo’s. I know he thinks it will distract me. It won’t.

Ok it distracted me a little

20 hours

Why did I agree to do this for him?

This is terrible

If it weren’t for the fact that it would upset John, I think I would at least threaten to murder someone for a cigarette right now.

 

John says lack of nicotine does not justify murder.  
Correction: John says my lack of nicotine would justify my murder. Why is he angry? He’s not the one suffering here.

 

21 hours - If it were anyone else

23.5 hours

     24 hours. Another whole day. The worst day

 

For John

I can do this for John

I can


	45. John - Text Thread with Harry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just after John and Sherlock arrive in Dartmoor.

Harry     15:44  
Hey, where did you want to meet for  
lunch tomorrow?

[Sent]     15:48  
Crap. Sorry, can we reschedule? I had to  
go out of town for a few days.

Harry     15:50  
You HAD to? Did Sherlock twist your arm?  
LOL!!!

[Sent]     15:53  
We’re on a case. I don’t know how long  
we’ll be out here, but I’ll text you when we  
get back to London.

Harry     15:54  
Where are you????

[Sent]     15:55  
Dartmoor. I’ll text you when we’re home.

Harry     15:57  
What the hell kind of case do you get in  
dartmoor? the case of which b&b is best?

[Sent]     16:00  
It’s not a vacation.

Harry     16:03  
Are you staying in a b&b tho?

[Sent]     16:06  
None of your business where we’re  
staying.

Harry     16:07  
it’s still gay even if it’s not in London,  
you know that right? Just admit it  
already.

 _[Draft]     16:10_  
_What do you want me to say?? Yes,_  
_I’m absolutely gone on him tits over_  
_arse even though he doesn’t care?_  
_Yes, he looks great in the misty moors_  
_even though I can’t touch him?_  
_Yes, I was disappointed they couldn’t_  
_do us a double? I can’t_

 _[Draft]     16:12_  
_I’m getting over_

[Sent]     16:13  
I’m not gay Harry. Not in London  
nor anywhere else. Let it go.

[Sent]     16:14  
I’ll text you when I get back to  
London.


	46. Sherlock - Handwritten Note from Sherlock’s Notepad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Sherlock sees the hound, while he's waiting for John to come back to the Cross Keys from Henry Knight's house

How is it possible? How can your mind see something that you know isn’t really there? A giant dog with red eyes? That isn’t real. It isn’t possible. So what is possible?

Baskerville experiment that escaped

Unlikely. That place was about as locked down as it’s possible to be. An escape is implausible, and if something had managed to escape, it would have been recaptured by now, not allowed to roam the moors inspiring local legends. No, it’s definitely not from Baskerville. What is it then? It has to be something then. Something more plausible.

           Unless I did just make it up. But Henry said he saw it, too.

Group hallucination?

Drug would be most likely cause. But how? Food or drink would be the most likely dosing method, but neither of us have eaten or drunk anything together. Could be from something we both happened to eat/drink separately, but that would make it too much of a coincidence. Someone putting something in the water supply for the entire village? Drug would be in the coffee, tea, everything made with that water. Could account for so many people claiming to have seen or heard the hound. But John didn’t see it. And we’ve had the same things to eat and drink. ???

?????????????

 

What if

What if it really was a simple hallucination on my part? Not drugged. Sympathetic hallucination. Henry has flashbacks to the night his father died, imagines the hound is there in the hollow. It somehow triggers my hallucination.

?

But that would mean I can’t trust what I see. That my mind can be tricked into seeing what it wants to see. What it wants to be there.

What does it mean if my mind can be so easily fooled?

Can I solve this case if I can’t trust my mind to provide me with real, accurate observations? Can I solve any case?

Has anything I’ve ever deduced been correct? What if my mind just saw what it imagined was there to make the pieces fit?

What else might I have imagined?

 

John

What about John? did I imagine that he might

 

the looks

The way the air changes when he stands close

Am I just seeing what I want to see?

What can I trust

            what is REAL?

??

how can I know what’s real and what’s not


	47. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

_[Draft]     19:18_   
_You’re not in the room. Did you go for a_   
_walk?_

_[Draft]     19:27_   
_If you’re out wandering around in the dark,_   
_be caref_

_[Draft]     19:51_   
_You’ve been gone a while. Are you okay? I’m_   
_going back down to wait in the pub._

_[Draft]     19:59_   
_I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said._

_[Draft]     20:01_  
 _Shouldn’t have said that. I panicked. I’m_  
 _sorry. I just don’t know what you want. What_  
 _do you want, John? Do you want_

[Sent]     20:02  
Henry’s therapist currently in Cross Keys   
Pub

John     20:02  
SO?

[Sent]     20:03  
Interview her?

John     20:04  
WHY SHOULD I?

_[Draft]     20:04_   
_She seems like your type. I just thought_

[Sent]     20:06  
 _Sending image . . ._


	48. John - Text Thread with Sherlock

Sherlock 20:02  
Henry’s therapist currently in Cross Keys   
Pub

[Sent] 20:02  
SO?

Sherlock 20:03  
Interview her?

[Sent] 20:04  
WHY SHOULD I?

Sherlock 20:06  
_Downloading image . . ._

_[Draft] 20:08  
You don’t have to_

_[Draft] 20:09_  
_Could you not try to set me up with  
women as an apology? it’s _

_[Draft] 20:14_  
_I might as well. It’s not like you’re ever  
going to._


	49. John - Crumpled Up Note from John's Notepad

~~U M Q R A ????~~

conductor of light??  
is that like a torch inside his head?  
I’m an idiot but in an illuminating way? 

wish I knew what the fuck that meant 


	50. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes

[Sent]     9:22  
What’s your fucking problem?  
Sending Lestrade out here? He doesn’t  
need a babysitter. He’s got me.

Mycroft     9:24  
Yes, and you helped him break into a  
top secret military base to question a  
scientist about a glow in the dark rabbit.

Mycroft     9:25  
Clearly you’re not helping to mitigate.

[Sent]     9:26  
Has it ever occurred to you to trust him?  
Or are you so far up your own arse that  
you can’t look past what you see as  
transgressions to see what he sees?

Mycroft     9:29  
Do not lecture me on things you know  
nothing about.

[Sent]     9:31  
You know why he didn’t just phone you  
up and ask you what he wanted to know  
the first time? He doesn’t trust you. He  
might have just started by asking you for  
what you know, but he doesn’t trust you,  
so we have to go this run around.

[Sent]     9:33  
And sending Greg out here is not  
helping your case with him.

Mycroft     9:35  
I don’t need him to like me, Doctor  
Watson. I need him to be safe.

[Sent]     9:39  
Yeah? You might have an easier  
time with that if he trusted you enough  
to ask for help sometimes.

_[Draft]     9:41_   
_In the meantime, he’s got me, and I’m_   
_happy to protect him without him_   
_having to ask, for as long as he needs_   
_it. Maybe after, too._


	51. Sherlock - Observation Notes, File JW-2011-007

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the conclusion of the Henry Knight case.

**Observation File Number:** JW-2011-007

 

He was frightened. John should never be frightened. He’s a soldier. He’s the one who is calm in the face of danger, who stares it down without flinching, whose hands don’t shake when he takes aim at a threat. But he was frightened this time. Legitimately frightened. I shouldn’t have done it. I should have seen beforehand what a terrible idea it was, but I thought it was worth it to solve the case. I thought I was right. I thought drugging him would help me figure it out. And it did help a little, but he was frightened and I did that to him, and I never should have put him in that position. It isn’t worth that.

 

No more experiments on John.

NONE

He’s worth more, and he deserves better.


	52. John - Text Thread with Harry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for alcohol mention. 
> 
> As John and Sherlock make their way back to London.

[Sent]     11:31  
I’ll be back in London tonight. Lunch  
tomorrow?

Harry     11:40  
that was fast

Harry     11:41  
not much of a holi day

[Sent]     11:43  
It wasn’t a holiday. We were investigating  
a case. Now the case is over, so we’re  
coming home.

Harry     11:46  
well t her’ es no place li ke home is  
there? when ur with the right person

[Sent]     11:49  
Where are you?

Harry     11:54  
At home. see ur lucky Johnnnny.  
he lives with you. you get to see him  
all the time.

Harry     11:57  
it’s worse when they leave.

[Sent]     12:01  
I’m on my way there. It’ll be another  
two hours though. Don’t open another  
one until I get there.

Harry     12:03  
it would have been better if i know  
that she iddnt love me but she said  
she did. she did and she stilll eft.

Harry     12:05  
hw can somone say they love you and  
still leave?

[Sent]     12:07  
Sometimes it’s not that simple.

Harry     12:08  
u know what’s crazy? i still hope  
she’s happy. think about it all the time  
hope she’s happier out there than she  
was with em. i made her sad.

[Sent]     12:10  
I’m on my way. Drink some water.

Harry     12:12  
its stupid that he’s right there with u nd u  
wont even try.

[Sent]     12:28  
I think if I tried, he wouldn’t be.

Harry     12:34  
bring pizza from that place on the corner  
I hae beer

[Sent]     12:41  
Okay. I’m on my way.


	53. Sherlock - Email Thread with Mrs Hudson

**_Sent to mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 18 Mar, 12:37_ **

If, hypothetically, I wanted to cook something easy but somewhat nice for dinner, what might I make? (I tried shouting down to you, but you didn’t answer.)

Sherlock Holmes

 

**_Received from mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 18 Mar, 16:51_ **

I’m not at home, Sherlock. I told you I was going to my sister’s this weekend. How do you manage to remember so many things and forget so many at the same time?

If you want to make John something a little special but still easy, cook some gnocchi (you can buy it near the pasta) with pesto. You just boil the gnocchi like the instructions on the box say and toss it with some pesto and then put a pinch of parmesan on top.

 

**_Sent to mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 18 Mar, 16:54_ **

I didn’t say it was for John.

Sherlock Holmes

 

**_Received from mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 18 Mar, 16:56_ **

I know, dear.

 

**_Sent to mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 18 Mar, 17:12_ **

Do I just buy pesto? Or am I supposed to make it somehow?

Sherlock Holmes

 

**_Received from mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 18 Mar, 17:38_ **

You can buy it in little jars, or if you’re feeling adventurous you can make it yourself. It’s just a little oil, some lemon juice, garlic, chopped pine nuts, and minced herbs. I use parsley and chives in mine, but you can use basil or something else you like. Just put a little of each together in a bowl and mix it up. Taste it, and add things until it tastes the way you want it to. Even if you use the kind in the jar, I’m sure John will still be impressed.

 

**_Sent to mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 18 Mar, 17:39_ **

What kind of oil?

And I’m not cooking to impress John. I’m just cooking, in general, and if he happens to eat some, then that’s fine. And if he’s impressed, that’s just because he’s easily impressed. I’m not cooking for the purpose of impressing him. We just need food, and you’re not here to provide any, so it falls on me to prevent us from starving to death in your absence. So I’m cooking. Is that really so surprising? I do know how to cook, you know. It’s chemistry. Basic science. Of course I know how to cook. And that’s what I’m doing. Cooking. Not for John. Just cooking. For food.

Sherlock Holmes

 

**_Received from mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 18 Mar, 17:42_ **

Of course, dear. Whatever you say.

Olive oil.

 

**_Sent to mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 18 Mar, 17:44_ **

Thank you.

Sherlock Holmes

 

**_Received from mlhudson@gmail.co.uk, 19 Mar, 9:21_ **

I’m happy to help, Sherlock. I’m glad to see one of you cooking a proper meal for a change. You boys really should eat less takeaway. It’s not good for you, all that. I’ll give you recipes any time you want them.

How did John like the gnocchi?


	54. John - Text Thread with Greg Lestrade

[Sent]     17:55  
Hey, look I know Sherlock’s not going to  
say anything to you about it but could  
you stop asking him to press releases?

[Sent]     17:56  
I’ve started turning them down on our  
private cases but somehow he always  
gets roped into it on cases with the  
Met.

Lestrade     18:12  
Yeah, is everything alright?

Lestrade     18:13  
He’s not said anything about it, no

[Sent]     18:16  
Yeah everything is fine but it’s just  
that we’re getting pretty recognizable  
for a detective

 _[Draft]     18:17_  
_And he’s really uncomfortable_

 _[Draft]     18:17_  
_He just hates being on camera_

 _[Draft]     18:19_  
_He isn’t in it for all that_

[Sent]     18:20  
Plus, it just isn’t his thing. He’s about  
to get snarky about it and things will  
get ugly.

Lestrade     18:22  
Suppose we should be grateful it  
hasn’t already!

Lestrade     18:23  
Yeah sure I can send around not to  
have him do any more. Esp if it’s  
endangering you guys to be more  
recognizable.

Lestrade     18:25  
If he doesn’t like it though, why does  
he agree to do it?

[Sent]     18:27  
I’m not sure.

[Sent]     18:28  
I think he doesn’t want to disappoint  
anyone.


	55. Sherlock - Observation Notes, File JW-2011-008

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Moriarty breaks into the Tower of London

**Observation File Number:** JW-2011-008

John is concerned. Understandably. I am, too, if I’m honest. I don’t know precisely what Moriarty is playing at this time, but it can’t be good. Get Sherlock--if that were anyone else, it would be almost laughable. But Moriarty is a much more capable adversary than any other criminal I’ve faced, and he already knows exactly how to get to me. He said it at the pool. He wants to burn the heart out of me. He knew, even then, even before I really knew myself. He knows exactly where to put pressure to ensure my compliance. This is exactly why Mycroft is always nattering on about not getting involved. It’s too dangerous.

The logical thing to do would be to push John away. It would make him less of a target. I could reject whatever this is that seems to be happening between us, shut myself off again. (Though when have I ever been truly capable of keeping him out?) I don’t know exactly what it is that he feels, but there is something there and I know that if I pushed him away, it would hurt him. Is that worth it? I don’t want to cause him pain, but if it keeps him safe

I don’t know

I hate that I don’t know. Why can’t this be logical? Why does emotion have to be so damn messy?

I want him to be safe. More than anything, John’s life is worth protecting. But I also want him here. It’s utterly selfish and foolishly sentimental, but I want him by my side for cases and late night takeaway and tea with Mrs Hudson and visits from my detestable brother. I want his steady aim and his doctor’s care. I want his praise and his concern and his companionship. He makes me better, not just at what I do but at who I am. I don’t want to push that away, to push him away. I want him to stay. I want him in my life. I want

This isn’t helping. I thought that if I wrote it down, perhaps I would have the conviction to actually follow through. That seeing it on paper, the logic of it spelled out plainly, would make it easier somehow to distance myself from him. It’s undoubtedly what’s best for him, but I don’t know if I can do it.

Perhaps I don’t have to just yet. Maybe I can wait, try to figure out exactly what Moriarty is playing at here. Maybe I can find a way to save us both from pain. I don’t have to do anything just yet. Moriarty is in police custody now. Perhaps this will come to nothing after all. (Unlikely, but as it is possible, I will stubbornly continue to hope.) And if and when the day comes that John’s safety is truly on the line, then I’ll somehow find the courage to push him away as I should. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect him. But not yet.


	56. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the events of the [Deadly Tealights](http://www.johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/12may) (though the case isn't posted on John's blog until after the fall).

Sometimes I truly do wonder if Sherlock just doesn’t quite get what he’s saying, or if he does it just to get a rise out of people. It’s not that I’m embarrassed about liking a good long bath or anything, but it’s one of those things that you just don’t say about someone. Whose business is it if I like a long bath? So what?

Probably he doesn’t know that the reason this is a problem is because when I take baths after a case, sitting and soaking for a bit, sometimes things get . . . steamy. Less “out of hand” than “in hand” if you catch my meaning, which of course you don’t because I would never publish a statement like that if my life depended on it. But (as far as I can tell) Sherlock still hasn’t worked out that there’s a drafts folder, so I suppose it’s alright to just say and not tell. That’s something I find I want to do a lot: write it but where no one can see it.

Anyway, the REALLY embarrassing part is that if he knows I’m in the bath, I have to then wonder if he knows what I’m _doing_ in the bath (soaking and relaxing being only two thirds of it) and then I have to wonder if he knows what I’m thinking about while doing that, and the idea that he might know what I’m thinking about is possibly the most humiliating idea I have ever heard in my life, because he’s him and I’m an idiot

And of course he’s never said anything so if he did know, that would mean he’s just trying to ignore it and pretend like it weren’t happening. Oh my god I’m never going to wank in the tub again, I swear.


	57. Sherlock - Message Board Post

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted on a friendship/relationship advice message board.

Posted by apis-mellifera, 27 Mar 2011, 14:37

Am I supposed to tell my flatmate that I (sort of) saw him naked?

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by anonymouse, 27 Mar 2011, 17:19

Wut kind of creep spys on their flatmate

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by beautifulmoonlight, 27 Mar 2011, 18:24

What does “sort of” mean? How do you sort of see someone naked?

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by apis-mellifera, 27 Mar 2011, 18:39

There are two doors to the bathroom in our flat--one in the hallway and one in my bedroom. The one in my bedroom has a window of distorted glass. I was in my bedroom when he was getting out of the shower yesterday morning, and I saw him through the window. As I said, the glass is distorted; hence, I only sort of saw him naked.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by lonewolf, 27 Mar 2011, 19:02

You like what you saw?

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by apis-mellifera, 27 Mar 2011, 19:11

Irrelevant.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by lonewolf, 27 Mar 2011, 19:15

Oh you did! You liked it!

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by h8rz_guna_h8, 27 Mar 2011, 19:18

ugh ur a perv

i bet u had a wank thinkin about ur mate

i bet u had a wnak right ther watchin him

thats fuckin creepy

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by apis-mellifera, 27 Mar 2011, 19:19

Your language skills are appalling.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by beautifulmoonlight, 27 Mar 2011, 19:56

It sounds like you weren’t TRYING to spy on him. I assume he doesn’t already know that you saw him then? In that case, you should probably tell him. I’d want to know if my flatmate saw me even “sort of” naked without me knowing.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by apis-mellifera, 27 Mar 2011, 20:32

And how exactly does one go about having that conversation?

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by inexcusablyhot, 27 Mar 2011, 22:11

I don’t know. If he knows there’s a window to your bedroom and still showers in there anyway, maybe he WANTS you to see him naked. ;)

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by no-one, 27 Mar 2011, 23:58

Dont tell him! He’s gonna think you were trying to sneak a peek and then things are gonna get wierd between you.

Plus if you did like it and you tell him youre never gonna get another chance to see him fresh outta the shower again hahahaha

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by h8rz_guna_h8, 28 Mar 2011, 1:07

ur a perv tooooo!!!!!!!

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by no-one, 28 Mar 2011, 1:44

Fuck off h8rz_guna_h8!

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by apis-mellifera, 28 Mar 2011, 8:53

Shouldn’t I be honest with him though? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by lost1084223, 28 Mar 2011, 10:18

Mates see each other naked sometimes. It happens. It isn’t that big of a deal. He’s probably seen you naked too.

But if you really feel like you need to tell him, just say it was an accident and then move on. He probably won’t even care.

Unless you’ve got feelings for him or something. That could make it awkward.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by lost1084223, 29 Mar 2011, 16:04

So did you tell him?

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by lost1084223, 30 Mar 2011, 12:49

I want to know what happened!

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by apis-mellifera, 30 Mar 2011, 17:31

I didn’t tell him.

Like you said, it isn’t a big deal.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by lost1084223, 30 Mar 2011, 19:56

Omg, you like him don’t you? You kept saying you wanted to tell him. And then you didn’t! ‘Isn’t a big deal’? Hahaha you’re totally into him!


	58. John - Email Thread with Melissa Zhao

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the events of [Murder at the Orient Express](http://johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/17june) (though the case isn't posted on John's blog until after the fall).

**_Received from somethingmiscellaneous@gmail.co.uk, 2 April, 22:12_ **

Hey Dr Watson, you said if I remembered anything about the night Mr Wong died, that I should get in touch. I still don’t remember hearing or seeing anything out of the ordinary, but I did remember that after I came off the floor at about 11:15, I went into the kitchens to start doing some dishes but I had forgotten that Wei, one of the cooks, had some leftover chicken fried rice and we spent a while eating that before we started cleaning. Maybe fifteen or twenty minutes? So I probably didn’t go back out to the floor until much closer to midnight, maybe even after, than I first thought.

If you’re interested, maybe we can grab a coffee tomorrow and chat about it? Thx Melissa

 

**_Sent to somethingmiscellaneous@gmail.co.uk, 3 April, 1:48_ **

Thanks Melissa. Sherlock is doing some research today, but I’ll let you know if we need more information. If you remember anything else, though, let me know!

 

**_Received from somethingmiscellaneous@gmail.co.uk, 3 April, 10:44_ **

No problem! Is there anything else I can do to help?

 

**_Sent to somethingmiscellaneous@gmail.co.uk, 5 April, 12:22_ **

Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Sherlock decided there wasn’t enough evidence for him to pursue anything. The Metropolitan Police will, of course, conduct an independent investigation. Thank you for your assistance.

 

**_Received from somethingmiscellaneous@gmail.co.uk, 5 April, 14:01_ **

Oh, that’s too bad! Maybe the police will turn something up. I think it’s really cool what you guys do though. Maybe we can grab that coffee and you can tell me more about it? x Melissa

 

_Draft to somethingmiscellaneous@gmail.co.uk, 6 April, 16:12_

Sorry, I’m going to pass on the coffee. I’m in kind of a committed situation at the moment.

 

**_Sent to somethingmiscellaneous@gmail.co.uk, 6 April, 16:16_ **

Sorry, I’m going to pass on the coffee.


	59. Sherlock - Internet Search History

violin music relaxing     [1,220,000 results]

violin music relaxing evening     [691,000 results]

violin music dinner     [1,380,000 results]

violin music dinner date     [241,000 results]

violin music date     [12,900,000 results]

violin music romantic     [2,170,000 results]

violin music romantic evening     [993,000 results]

violin music romantic dinner     [221,000 results]

jules massenet thais     [146,000 results]

massenet thais meditation     [224,000 results]

massenet thais meditation sheet music for violin     [19,700 results]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsCogBZ7Zlg) is a link to a recording of this particular piece if you want to hear it. :)


	60. John - Text Thread with Sherlock

_[Draft]     17:44_   
_So if you’re not busy,_

_[Draft]     17:45_   
_I know it’s not your thing, really, people aren’t_   
_really your thing but_

_[Draft]     17:52_   
_Listen, it’s not really what I want but some_   
_friends invited me out Wednesday_

[Sent]     18:33  
Hey, if you’re not busy Wednesday night,   
there’s a bit of a get-together for my birthday.  
Nothing big.

[Sent]     18:34  
You could come, if you like.

Sherlock     18:34  
What sort of get-together exactly?

[Sent]     18:36  
Just dinner, drinks. Couple of mates I haven’t  
seen in awhile.

[Sent]     18:38  
Some of them would like to meet you, I think.  
Harry will be there. Couple of army mates.  
Stamford. You like Stamford.

Sherlock     18:42  
Is this some ill-advised attempt at making me  
be sociable?

[Sent]     18:43  
Wouldn’t dare. No, they just invited me out,  
and seeing as how it’s my birthday, I thought  
you’d come but if you’re busy or something.  
It’s fine.

_[Draft]     18:44_   
_I’d rather just the two of us, but you’re not_   
_the sort to make a big deal out of a birthday,_   
_are you?_

Sherlock     18:45  
As delightful as this get-together is sure to be,   
unfortunately I am quite busy that night. I’m   
sorry, but I don’t think that I can join you.

Sherlock     18:45  
Will you be out late, or will you be home at a   
decent hour? I may not be busy all night. I   
might be home when you get back.

[Sent]     18:46  
Yeah, probably won’t be too late. Maybe I’ll see  
you at home after then.

_[Draft]     18:47_   
_Maybe we can do something then? Just us?_

[Sent]     18:47  
Do you need anything while I’m out? Do we  
have anything in, or should I pick up a Chinese?

Sherlock     18:47  
Good. I wouldn’t want to miss my chance to   
give you your birthday present.

Sherlock     18:47  
Lord knows you’d never let me forget it, like  
when I forgot to get you a gift for Christmas.

Sherlock     18:48  
Maybe Thai tonight?  
  
[Sent]     18:48  
You know you owe me double for Christmas. No  
one likes a debtor after all ;)

[Sent]     18:50  
From that place over on Charlotte Street? Sure.  
The usual?

Sherlock     18:50  
Can we consider it a gift if I don’t lecture you  
on your insistence on using punctuation to  
make faces in your text messages?

Sherlock     18:50  
Yes, that sounds good. You know what I like.  
  
[Sent]     18:52  
Nope. Sorry, that won’t count, you’ll have to do  
a bit better than that.

[Sent]     18:55  
I’ll be home soon. 


	61. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

John     18:33  
Hey, if you’re not busy Wednesday night,   
there’s a bit of a get-together for my birthday.   
Nothing big.

John     18:34  
You could come, if you like.

 _[Draft]     18:34_   
_Oh I had thought that we_

[Sent]     18:34  
What sort of get-together exactly?

John     18:36  
Just dinner, drinks. Couple of mates I haven’t   
seen in awhile.

John     18:38  
Some of them would like to meet you, I think.   
Harry will be there. Couple of army mates.   
Stamford. You like Stamford.

 _[Draft]     18:41_   
_Are you sure that’s how you want to spend your_   
_birthday? With people who haven’t bothered to_   
_get in touch with you at all since you came_   
_home, your alcoholic sister, and Mike Stamford?_

 _[Draft]     18:41_   
_I know you, John, and that doesn’t sound like_   
_something even you would enjoy. You’re not_   
_that sociable._

[Sent]     18:42  
Is this some ill-advised attempt at making me  
be sociable?

John     18:43  
Wouldn’t dare. No, they just invited me out,   
and seeing as how it’s my birthday, I thought  
you’d come but if you’re busy or something.  
It’s fine.

 _[Draft]     18:43_   
_Of course I want to be there for your birthday,_   
_but you know how this will go. They may all be_   
_interested to meet me now, but like everyone_   
_else, they’ll tire of me quickly, and I’ll just ruin_   
_the evening. If it were just you and me, that_   
_would be acceptable. More than actually, but if_   
_you’d prefer_

[Sent]     18:45  
As delightful as this get-together is sure to be,   
unfortunately I am quite busy that night. I’m   
sorry, but I don’t think that I can join you.  
  
[Sent]     18:45  
Will you be out late, or will you be home at a   
decent hour? I may not be busy all night. I   
might be home when you get back.  
  
 _[Draft]     18:46_  
 _Perhaps we could do something with just the_  
 _two of us. I was thinking of_

John     18:46  
Yeah, probably won’t be too late. Maybe I’ll see   
you at home after then.

John     18:47  
Do you need anything while I’m out? Do we   
have anything in, or should I pick up a Chinese?

 _[Draft]     18:47_   
_Ok. It’s a date then._

[Sent]     18:47  
Good. I wouldn’t want to miss my chance to   
give you your birthday present.

[Sent]     18:47  
Lord knows you’d never let me forget it, like  
when I forgot to get you a gift for Christmas.

[Sent]     18:48  
Maybe Thai tonight?

John     18:48  
You know you owe me double for Christmas. No   
one likes a debtor after all ;)

John     18:50  
From that place over on Charlotte Street? Sure.   
The usual?

[Sent]     18:50  
Can we consider it a gift if I don’t lecture you  
on your insistence on using punctuation to  
make faces in your text messages?  
  
[Sent]     18:50  
Yes, that sounds good. You know what I like.  
  
John     18:52  
Nope. Sorry, that won’t count, you’ll have to do   
a bit better than that.

 _[Draft]     18:54_   
_Do you really doubt that I would do better than_   
_that? Your birth is one of the few arbitrary dates_   
_in life worth celebrating._

John     18:55  
I’ll be home soon.


	62. Sherlock - Printed Recipe with Handwritten Notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The handwritten notes are in italics. If you're reading this on mobile, it may be better to read it in a landscape orientation to help keep the notes in their intended places.

**Victoria Sandwich**

Cake:  
200g caster sugar  
200g softened butter        _Mrs Hudson says to leave butter out a few hours to soften_  
4 eggs, beaten  
200g self-raising flour  
1 tsp baking powder  
2 tbsp milk                           _Check it isn’t expired first!_

Filling:  
100g butter, softened  
140g icing sugar, sifted  
Drop vanilla extract           _did Harry say to use almond instead?_  
170g ~~strawberry~~ jam        _John’s grandmother always used raspberry_  
Icing sugar, to decorate  
 _Fresh raspberries_

 

                                                              _ask Mrs Hudson if she has some of this paper stuff_  
Heat oven to 190C. Butter two 20cm sandwich tins, and line with non-stick baking paper. In a large bowl, beat all the cake ingredients together until you have a smooth, soft batter. Divide the mixture between the tins, smooth the surface with a spatula or the back of a spoon, then bake for about 20 mins until golden and the cake springs back when pressed. Turn onto a cooling rack and leave to cool completely.  
 _What the hell is a cooling rack?_

To make the filling, beat the butter until smooth and creamy, then gradually beat in icing sugar. Beat in vanilla extract. Spread over the bottom of one of the sponges, top it with jam and sandwich the second sponge on top. Dust with a little icing sugar before serving.

  
_Decorate the top with fresh raspberries (according to Harry they need to go in a ring along the outside edge of the top layer, nearly but not quite touching each other)._

 

 

 

  
  
_\- Don’t forget to wrap John’s gifts_

 


	63. John - Blog Post (Very Nearly Not) Saved to Drafts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After John gets home from his birthday dinner with friends.

It’s my birthday. I’im old now. Pretty old. Getting old. Am I old? you know who’s not old? Shelrock. He’s less old. He still looks so young sometimes, he’s so smooth and lean? who looks like thaat at this age? it’s ridiculous. 

he was supposed to come to my birthday but he lied nd said he was busy. I wish he hadn’t. He could’ve been there and deduced all my army mates, I think they’d have liked him. He might not have liked them though. He’s not so good with people sometimes, I think he gets nervous. stress oued? but he made me a cake. perfect cake. At first I thought Harry ahd done it, cause it was the kind ike grams used to make, but he said he’d done it, and then I saw the kitchen so I believe him. it was perfect and he had some icing sugar on his cheek, and I almost reached out and wiped it off but at the last second I remembered thst we’re not like thst.

he said in the morning he had a birthday present for me but what I’d really like is for him to come up here and kiss me goodnight

not gonna happen but a man can dream


	64. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

_[Draft]     11:21_   
_What are you up to?_

_[Draft]     11:22_   
_Bored._

_[Draft]     11:24_   
_Do we need more milk? Thought I might go by_   
_the shops on my way home later._

[Sent]     11:26  
Have we received any packages today?  
  
[Sent]     11:26  
I’m waiting on that order of rat spleens.  
  
John     11:27  
No.

John     11:28  
As in, no, we’ve not got any packages, and no,   
you’re not storing rat spleens in our fridge.

[Sent]     11:29  
Why not? I’ll keep them in a sealed container. It   
won’t be like the mishap with the bag of toes.

[Sent]     11:29  
Which I still contend was not my fault. How  
was I supposed to know it was going to  
leak everywhere?  
  
[Sent]     11:30  
You should send your complaints to Tesco   
about the poor quality of their food storage   
bags.

John     11:32  
I’m sending my complaints to the genius in   
residence whose selective memory meant I had   
to clean up half-rotted toe goo out of the   
vegetable crisper.

John     11:34  
Where are you, anyway? Looked for you this   
morning but you’d gone already.

_[Draft]     11:34_   
_Barts. I was going to wake you, but I know how_  
_you like having a lie-in on Saturdays. Didn’t_  
_want to disturb you._

[Sent]     11:35  
Barts. Running analysis on that bit of dirt we  
found in the hotel room.

[Sent]     11:36  
Going to be a bit still. How are you keeping  
yourself occupied today? Crap telly? One of   
those dreadful true crime novels? A long bath   
perhaps?

John     11:39  
All good suggestions, but no. Writing up that   
case from last week. The one Mycroft told me   
not to write up.

John     11:40  
Thought I’d see how long it’ll take him to delete   
it.

[Sent]     11:42  
I’m certain he has your post notifications on   
text alert by now, so unfortunately it would  
only be a matter of minutes. But it would be  
worth it just to annoy him.

_[Draft]     11:42_   
_You have a knack for that. It’s one of the_   
_many things I l_

[Sent]     11:43  
It’s even better watching you annoy him than   
doing it myself, I think.

John     11:44  
Quick, sign up for the post notifications, you can   
time him.

_[Draft]     11:44_   
_You really do know the way to a man’s heart,_   
_don’t you?_

[Sent]     11:45  
John, that’s such a good idea that I’m almost   
tempted to use one of those stupid punctuation   
faces.

[Sent]     11:46  
Signing up now. Let’s see if he’s getting slower.

John     11:50  
;)

John     11:51  
Okay, I’m posting it.

John     11:53  
How much longer are you going to be?

[Sent]     11:55  
Probably another thirty minutes or so. Why?  
Do you have plans for me?

John     11:58  
I haven’t got any plans at all. Thought maybe   
we could get out and do something for a while.

John     12:01  
Or stay in and do something even. I guess I’m   
just as bored as you. You should come home   
and give me something to do.

_[Draft]     12:03_   
_I’d_

_[Draft]     12:03_   
_Was that meant to be an innuendo_

_[Draft]     12:05_   
_What kind of activities did you have in mind?_

_[Draft]     12:05_   
_I’d very much like to give you something to do._   
_Or someo no no no no you can’t actually send_   
_that to him why is this so hard? what is the_   
_proper way to say yes John I see the innuendo in_   
_your previous text, if that is indeed what it was,_   
_and would very much enjoy participating in an_   
_activity of that sort with you_

[Sent]     12:08  
I would be amenable to staying in and doing   
whatever you like. Just tell me what you want   
to do.

_[Draft]     12:18_   
_John?_

John     12:20  
Did you see, by the way? Took Mycroft nearly   
fifteen minutes. I’m surprised.

John     12:21  
Let’s watch a couple of movies or something.   
We can have a marathon, make some popcorn,   
pull the curtains, not take any cases. Sounds like   
fun.

_[Draft]     12:23_   
_Can we huddle together under a blanket like_   
_last time? I liked that._

[Sent]     12:27  
Start the popcorn and keep the sofa warm. I’m   
leaving now. Be home soon.


	65. John - Text Thread with Sherlock

Sherlock     11:26  
Have we received any packages today?

Sherlock     11:26  
I’m waiting on that order of rat spleens.

[Sent]     11:27  
No.

[Sent]     11:28  
As in, no, we’ve not got any packages, and no,  
you’re not storing rat spleens in our fridge.

Sherlock     11:29  
Why not? I’ll keep them in a sealed container. It  
won’t be like the mishap with the bag of toes.

Sherlock     11:29  
Which I still contend was not my fault. How  
was I supposed to know it was going to  
leak everywhere?

Sherlock     11:30  
You should send your complaints to Tesco  
about the poor quality of their food storage  
bags.

[Sent]     11:32  
I’m sending my complaints to the genius in  
residence whose selective memory meant I had  
to clean up half-rotted toe goo out of the  
vegetable crisper.

[Sent]     11:34  
Where are you, anyway? Looked for you this  
morning but you’d gone already.

Sherlock     11:35  
Barts. Running analysis on that bit of dirt we  
found in the hotel room.

Sherlock     11:36  
Going to be a bit still. How are you keeping  
yourself occupied today? Crap telly? One of  
those dreadful true crime novels? A long bath  
perhaps?

[Sent]     11:39  
All good suggestions, but no. Writing up that  
case from last week. The one Mycroft told me  
not to write up.

[Sent]     11:40  
Thought I’d see how long it’ll take him to delete  
it.

Sherlock     11:42  
I’m certain he has your post notifications on  
text alert by now, so unfortunately it would  
only be a matter of minutes. But it would be  
worth it just to annoy him.

 _[Draft]     11:42_  
_You love it when I annoy him. That’s why_   _I do it._

Sherlock     11:43  
It’s even better watching you annoy him than  
doing it myself, I think.

[Sent]     11:44  
Quick, sign up for the post notifications, you can  
time him.

Sherlock     11:45  
John, that’s such a good idea that I’m almost  
tempted to use one of those stupid punctuation  
faces.

Sherlock     11:46  
Signing up now. Let’s see if he’s getting slower.

[Sent]     11:50  
;)

[Sent]     11:51  
Okay, I’m posting it.

[Sent]     11:53  
How much longer are you going to be?

Sherlock     11:55  
Probably another thirty minutes or so. Why?  
Do you have plans for me?

 _[Draft]     11:56_  
_God, you probably have no idea how that_  
_sounds, do you? You make it sound like I’m_  
_planning to take you upstairs and show you_  
_what I dreamed last night._

[Sent]     11:58  
I haven’t got any plans at all. Thought maybe  
we could get out and do something for a while.

[Sent]     12:01  
Or stay in and do something even. I guess I’m  
just as bored as you. You should come home  
and give me something to do.

 _[Draft]     12:03_  
_I DIDN’T MEAN IT THAT WAY_

 _[Draft]     12:04_  
_SORRY god oh shit_

Sherlock 12:08  
I would be amenable to staying in and doing  
whatever you like. Just tell me what you want  
to do.

 _[Draft]     12:09_  
_Are you trying to_

 _[Draft]     12:10_  
_I can’t tell if you’re_

 _[Draft]     12:17_  
_Yeah. Come home. I’ll tell you what I’ve been_  
_thinking about all morning. I’ll meet you at the_  
_door and kiss you properly. I’ll take you upstairs_  
_and kiss all over the rest of you. Would you let_  
_me? Probably not. Actually, I can imagine it_  
_both ways. I can imagine you in my bed and I_  
_can imagine you closing the door in my face._

 _[Draft]     12:19_  
_What am I even_

[Sent]     12:20  
Did you see, by the way? Took Mycroft nearly  
fifteen minutes. I’m surprised.

[Sent]     12:21  
Let’s watch a couple of movies or something.  
We can have a marathon, make some popcorn,  
pull the curtains, not take any cases. Sounds like  
fun.

 _[Draft]     12:25_  
_We’ve done it before. I’m not overstepping, am_  
_I? I’ll let you have the sofa to yourself this time if_  
_you want._

Sherlock     12:27  
Start the popcorn and keep the sofa warm. I’m  
leaving now. Be home soon.


	66. John - Handwritten Note from John's Notepad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During Moriarty's trial.

MORIARTY’S TRIAL 

  * jury looks interested 
  * prosecutor = calm 
  * is there not more evidence? thought there’d be more 
  * stay calm 
  * a spider??? dramatic 



do not let him get to you

DO NOT LET HIM GET TO YOU 

how does he get to you when he doesn’t even say anything 

don’t you remember he’s a killer? don’t you want him caught? 

maybe you don’t 

you always did like his game 

you complete tit I am NOT bailing you out of this


	67. John - Text Thread with Sherlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The day of the Moriarty verdict.

[Sent]     11:21  
Did you hear me? He’s going to come after you.   
We’ll need to be more careful these next few   
days.

[Sent]     11:22  
Stick close together. I’ll be home soon.

Sherlock     11:23  
Pick up milk before you get here.

Sherlock     11:23  
And go to the specialty shop for more of that   
tea I like.

[Sent]     11:25  
I just bought milk yesterday. Do we really need   
more already?

Sherlock     11:25  
Contaminated. Buy more. Need it tonight, so   
don’t forget to stop.

[Sent]     11:27  
You had all day, you know. I’ll be another hour  
I guess. You owe me

Sherlock     11:27  
Don’t forget the tea, too.

[Sent]     11:30  
Fine but you REALLY owe me. Big time ;)

_[Draft]     11:34_   
_Sherlock? you there?_


	68. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

John     11:21   
Did you hear me? He’s going to come after you.   
We’ll need to be more careful these next few   
days.

John     11:22  
Stick close together. I’ll be home soon.

_[Draft]     11:22_   
_NO. You can’t come home yet._

_[Draft]     11:22_   
_Mrs Hudson needs_

_[Draft]     11:22_   
_I need you to go see Mycr_

[Sent]     11:23  
Pick up milk before you get here.

[Sent]     11:23  
And go to the specialty shop for more of that   
tea I like.

John     11:25  
I just bought milk yesterday. Do we really need   
more already?

_[Draft]     11:25_   
_Don’t ask questions, just_

[Sent]     11:25  
Contaminated. Buy more. Need it tonight, so   
don’t forget to stop.

John     11:27  
You had all day, you know. I’ll be another hour   
I guess. You owe me

[Sent]     11:27  
Don’t forget the tea, too.

John     11:30  
Fine but you REALLY owe me. Big time ;)  



	69. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes

[Sent]     10:01  
You need to find him

[Sent]     10:01  
RIGHT NOW

[Sent]     10:02  
I don’t know what he’s doing I don’t  
know what’s happening but it’s going  
to be stupid

[Sent]     10:03  
Get him out of it. Whatever it is,  
I don’t care, get him out of it.

[Sent]     10:05  
ANSWER ME

[Sent]     10:06  
Answer me

[Sent]     10:06  
You have to stop him


	70. Sherlock - Text Thread with Mycroft

[Sent]     10:19  
abort teh plan.. Don’t tell John

[Sent]     10:22  
MYCROFT

[Sent]     10:22  
YOU CAN’T TELLH IM

Mycroft     10:22  
What’s happened? What’s gone wrong?

Mycroft     10:22  
Are you safe?

[Sent]     10:23  
i jjumped bu t he threatened him frist

[Sent]     10:23  
sniper

[Sent]     10:23  
if im’ not dead, John dies. And Mrs Hudsonn nd   
Lestrade

[Sent]     10:23  
DON’T TELL HIM

Mycroft     10:23  
Calm down, Sherlock. I’m on my way to the safe   
house now. I will meet you there, and we’ll   
work this out.

[Sent]     10:24  
No one can kno wI’m alive. My death is al that’s   
protecting them,.

[Sent]     10:24  
Promiseme that you won’t t ell John

Mycroft     10:25  
Are you certain that’s in his best interest?

[Sent]     10:25  
I have to, This is w hat I haveto do to keep him   
safe.

[Sent]     10:26  
I’ll do whatever you want Mycroft, anjything at   
all.

[Sent]     10:26  
Just protect him. Promis me he’ll be safe.

Mycroft     10:27  
Sherlock, you know that’s not a promise I can   
make. I can’t guarantee his safety any more   
than I can guarantee yours.

[Sent]     10:27  
PROMISE ME

Mycroft     10:29  
I can put a security detail on him for now, until   
Moriarty’s threat has been dealt with. My   
people are looking into these supposed snipers   
now. I’ll have more information for you when I   
arrive. And I will abandon the previous plan and   
not tell John you’re alive, if you truly want to   
keep him in the dark.

[Sent]     10:34  
Thank you

Mycroft     10:41  
I‘m nearly there. I do hope you know what   
you’re doing.


	71. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The day after the fall.

[Sent]     9:12  
I told you he was going to do something  
stupid.

[Sent]     9:15  
Sorry, that was uncalled for.

[Sent]     9:16  
I am sorry, for what it’s worth.

[Sent]     9:22  
I know you loved him. I loved him too.


	72. Sherlock - Text Thread with the Queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sent from a burner phone using code names

The Queen     11:25  
I’ve taken care of it.

[Sent]     11:26  
Good. For how long?

The Queen    11:28  
It’s paid through the end of your current lease   
for now. However, I informed her that for so   
long as the Bachelor wishes to remain at Baker   
Street, the full rent will continue to be paid   
from your supposed estate.

The Queen    11:29  
If you do indeed return in three months,   
however, none of that will be necessary, but I   
fear that even the Housekeeper might begin to   
suspect something if I implied that you would   
be back to pay your own rent soon.

[Sent]     11:31  
Of course she would. She’s far more intelligent   
than you give her credit for.

[Sent]     11:31  
And thank you.

The Queen    11:34  
Of course. I would say it’s my pleasure, but it   
really isn’t. It’s all rather inconvenient actually.   
Convincingly faking a death requires so much   
more paperwork than covering up a real one.

The Queen    11:35  
While we’re on the subject, I trust I don’t need   
to remind you not to try slipping out this   
evening. It would make all this effort rather   
pointless if the deceased were discovered alive   
and well at his own funeral.

[Sent]     11:38  
Do you honestly think I’m that stupid?

The Queen    11:39  
You and I both know that stupidity wouldn’t be   
the cause of your attendance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case it wasn't clear, the Queen is Mycroft, the Bachelor is John, and the Housekeeper is, of course, Mrs Hudson.


	73. Sherlock - Text Thread with the Pigeon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sent from a burner phone using code names

[Sent]     18:07  
How’s the Bachelor?

[Sent]     18:13  
Is he okay?

[Sent]     18:15  
Tell me how he’s doing.

[Sent]     18:16  
You agreed to help me with whatever I needed.  
I need you to tell me.

[Sent]     18:16  
Please.

The Pigeon     18:17  
Stop. I can’t text during a funeral. It’s rude.

[Sent]     18:17  
Just tell me how he is, and I’ll stop.

The Pigeon    18:18  
I don’t know. I didn’t get to talk to him before,   
and I can only see the back of his head from   
here. I think he’s just kind of looking down at   
the ground right now.

The Pigeon    18:18  
He’s supposed to give a eulogy though. I’ll let   
you know how he looks then.

The Pigeon    18:23  
God, the Queen isn’t even pretending to be all   
that sad in his eulogy.

[Sent]     18:23  
He wouldn’t.

The Pigeon    18:25  
Oh no! He just left.

[Sent]     18:25  
The Queen?

The Pigeon    18:25  
No. The Bachelor.

[Sent]     18:25  
What? Why?

The Pigeon    18:26  
I don’t know. The Queen was still in the middle   
of his speech, and he got up and walked out. He   
looked rather angry.

[Sent]     18:26  
Did you follow him?

The Pigeon    18:27  
I have to stop texting. People are staring at me.

[Sent]     18:27  
Did you follow him?

[Sent]     18:29  
Damn it answer me

[Sent]     18:33  
Even if you don’t answer, at least go find him   
and make sure he’s alright.

[Sent]     18:51  
Was he okay?

The Pigeon    18:58  
I don’t know. I didn’t follow him. I can’t get up   
and leave in the middle of your funeral just   
because you want me to.

[Sent]     18:58  
Why not? He did.

The Pigeon    19:01  
That’s different. Everyone knows that you and   
he were close.

The Pigeon    19:02  
If I left, it would have seemed impolite.

 _[Draft]     19:02_   
_I don’t care about you being impolite. I_ _care  
about him._

 _[Draft]     19:04_   
_Did you at least see him before you lef_

The Pigeon    19:04  
And before you ask, no I didn’t see him   
anywhere when everything was over either.

The Pigeon    19:10  
I know it isn’t what you want to hear, but I’m   
sure he’s probably pretty upset now. He’ll get   
better with time though. Try not to worry about   
it. I don’t know what you’re going to do, and I   
don’t want to, but whatever it is, it won’t help if   
you’re worried about him the entire time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Pigeon is Molly.


	74. John - Eulogy for Sherlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crumpled, then smoothed out and folded into quarters.

First of all, if anyone is here because they think Sherlock was a fraud and they want to write this all up in some gossip column, you are a ~~fucking~~ vulture and you should be ashamed of yourself, and you had better leave before I find out which of you have had the gall to show your faces here now that he’s killed himself.

 

When I first met Sherlock Holmes, I was nobody. I had just been invalided home from Afghanistan. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t even walk properly. I was at a dead-end, trying to figure out what was supposed to come next. ~~If there was even going to be anything “next” at all.~~

 

Meeting Sherlock then was the best thing that has ever or will ever happen to me. When he looked at me, he actually saw _me,_ instead of the cane and the discharge papers. He saw me so completely that he knew I was capable of things even I didn’t know I was capable of. He said then, in the beginning, that he needed an assistant. That was a lie. He didn’t need any help, obviously not. But I needed to do it. I needed something to focus on, some sort of direction in my life, so he lied.

 

Sherlock may not have needed help in his work, but he did need someone he could trust, someone who would trust him. He needed a friend, and for a while, that was me.

 

I think most of you have read my blog. I read through it again the other night and there was so much more that I wanted to say ~~to him~~. I wish I could’ve written down every joke he’d told. I wish I had interviewed all the people he had helped. I wish I could’ve gotten down all his deductions, like the one in the _Aluminium Crutch_. A lot of people have told me that one’s their favourite. That’s all Sherlock. ~~The way he thought about things, the way it all fit together, was always so beautiful~~.

 

I could have written about him for the rest of my life and still had more to say. I guess I have to count myself lucky that I was able to write about him for the rest of his.

 

We didn’t always solve the case. Sherlock wouldn’t want me to tell you that, but I think it’s important to know. He wasn’t a superhero. He wasn’t infallible, like some people seem to think he was. He was astonishingly normal. He dropped things sometimes. He tripped once going up the steps to the British Museum. He used to lay out on the sofa and think, and he’d accidentally fall asleep there. ~~He was so gorgeous like that, soft and untroubled~~. He snored. I’m telling you this because I lived with him for eighteen months and I knew what he was like, and he was real. Everything about him that seemed fantastic or impossible was real and human.

 

He was so human that sometimes I thought it was painful for him. He didn’t deal well with other people and their capacity to lie to each other and be cruel to one another. And, of course, now I know that there was something more than that. There was something that I didn’t see. ~~I should’ve seen it, and I didn’t, and now here we are~~. I didn’t see it and I should have. I really thought he would’ve told me. I guess I was wrong. I’m sorry, Sherlock. I’m so sorry.

 

Someone told me once that Sherlock Holmes was a great man, and that someday, he might even be a good one. I can say now, with certainty, that Sherlock Holmes was a good man. He was the best man that I have ever known, or will ever know, and I will spend the rest of my time here trying to deserve the life I got to live because he looked at me, and he saw.

 

~~Sherlock, if you’re there, if you’re listening: please come home.~~

 

 


	75. Sherlock - Handwritten Letter to John (Undelivered)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Folded up and tucked into a copy of _And Then There Were None_ at the safe house.

John,

I’m not sure why I’m writing this as you’ll never actually see it, but I’m stuck in this safe house and can’t stop thinking about everything, and so here I am.

 

I was too slow, and for that I must apologize. I figured out the point of Moriarty’s game too late to save us both from this fate, and even then, I was still hoping to avoid this particular outcome (though I had obviously planned for the possibility). But I hadn’t known the true stakes for which we played, not until we were there on the rooftop and he made his threats against your life. He was--and this is something you’re unlikely to hear me ever admit again, so please appreciate it while you can--better than me. He knew exactly how to play me, and I am sorry that I didn’t see through that in time. That I wasn’t good enough.

I suppose I should be grateful that in some small way I was able to make things better by getting Moriarty to remove himself from the game. The world will be better without him in it, but unfortunately this isn’t the end of it. There are others who know. I’m sure of it. That’s why I have to go. That’s why I did what I did. My only regret is that it must come at such a cost to my own freedom, to those few in whom I’ve placed my trust to keep this secret, and most especially, John, to you. If I could spare you from this, I would, but you can’t know, not now that my life had to be traded for yours. I have to remain dead so that you can live, and only once the other players have been knocked out of the game will it be safe for me to return home. To return to you. By my estimates, it should only take me a few months. That’s hardly any time at all, really.

I wish I could see you again before I go. If I could, I would ask you to inform Lestrade that the blue envelope is the key to the pigeonhole case he’s yet to solve. I would tell you not to let Mrs Hudson go to pieces (or bake you too many scones) while I’m away. And I would beg you to understand that I am only doing this because I have to, not because I want to. I would never want this. I am only doing it for you, doing it because your health and comfort and safety are far more important to me than my own.

Take care of yourself while I’m away, won’t you? I’ll be back at Baker Street with you before you know it.

And, John, my dearest friend, please know that I am now and always

Very sincerely yours,

 

SH


	76. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

Journal Assignment #1

Ella says that if I don’t want to say things out loud, that I should write them down. I think she meant for me to write them on the blog, but I don’t want anyone else to see them. I can’t even look at the blog, really. Everything about the blog is him. Everything about my life that was important or fun or interesting was on that blog, and it was all him. He was all of it.

So Ella gave me this journal assignment to write down how I’m feeling. He’d think this was really stupid but he’d probably deal with this by getting drugged out of his mind so maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about what he would do. It doesn’t matter. He’s dead. Who fucking cares what he would think. That’s what happens when you die: your opinion stops mattering. Now I can buy raspberry yoghurt and no one ever complains about it.

Here’s something I want to say out loud and I can’t. Haven’t been able to make myself. It sticks like curdled milk in my mouth, which is disgusting and makes my gut roil. I tried to say it at Baker Street and I couldn’t so I moved out, but I think if he could hear me he would know what I meant. He always knew what I meant.

Sherlock. Come home.

Come home.

Come home.

Come home.

Come home.

Come home.

Come home.

Come home.

Come home.

Come home.

Don’t leave me here.


	77. John - Text Thread with Greg Lestrade

Greg      14:33  
We got some evidence in on that Chinese  
restaurant case you guys looked at a few  
weeks back. Want to take a look at it?

Greg      14:37  
The inquiry on my job is over already. I  
think Mycroft forced the issue to drop.

Greg      14:39  
I can’t have you here at the Met, but I  
could come round Baker Street tonight  
if you wanted.

Greg      14:43  
Bring a pizza, maybe some beers.  
Interested?

 _[Draft]      14:45_  
_I’m not him. I can’t do his work._

 _[Draft]      14:48_  
_You shouldn’t get in trouble just to_  
_try and make me feel better. Won’t_  
_work anyway._

 _[Draft]      14:55_  
_I’m not at Baker Street anymore_  
_anyway. Would you have stayed?_

 _[Draft]      14:56_  
_It was awful. It still smelled like him. All_  
_his stuff was there. I had to leave._

 _[Draft]      15:00_  
_Don’t text me again._


	78. Sherlock - Text Thread with the Queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sent over a long period from various burner phones using code names.

_[Draft]     13:42_  
_How is the Bachelor?_

\--------------------------------------------------

 _[Draft]     9:27_  
_Is he_

\--------------------------------------------------

 _[Draft]     19:35_  
_Just tell me that the Bachelor is alive and well._

\--------------------------------------------------

 _[Draft]     11:19_  
_I need to know how he’s doing._

\--------------------------------------------------

[Sent]     21:58  
It’s been six months since he wrote anything.  
Tell me he’s okay.

The Queen     22:00  
Is this really what you should be focusing on  
right now? Worrying about this certainly won’t  
make your task any easier.

[Sent]     22:01  
Just tell me, Queen.

The Queen     22:01  
You know I hate that.

[Sent]     22:02  
Queen

[Sent]     22:02  
Queen

[Sent]     22:02  
Queen

The Queen     22:02  
Must you be so childish?

[Sent]     22:03  
Tell me and I’ll stop, Queen.

The Queen     22:03  
If I assure you that he’s alive, will that allay your  
fears?

[Sent]     22:04  
Is he well?

The Queen     22:05  
He seems to be as well as can be expected given  
the circumstances.

[Sent]     22:05  
What the hell does that mean?

[Sent]     22:12  
What does that mean?

[Sent]     22:16  
TELL ME WHAT THAT MEANS

[Sent]     22:17  
Queen

[Sent]     22:17  
Queen

[Sent]     22:17  
Queen

[Sent]     22:17  
Queen

[Sent]     22:17  
Queen

[Sent]     22:18  
Queen

[Sent]     22:18  
Queen

[Sent]     22:18  
Queen

[Sent]     22:27  
You’re an insufferable bastard.

\--------------------------------------------------

[Sent]     14:41  
Is the Bachelor still ‘as well as can be expected’?

The Queen     14:42  
Yes.

[Sent]     14:42  
Are you going to deign to tell me any details  
about his well-being this time?

[Sent]     14:48  
I take it that’s a no.

\--------------------------------------------------

[Sent]     19:35  
How is he?

The Queen     19:38  
Nothing has changed.

\--------------------------------------------------

[Sent]     7:20  
Update on the Bachelor?

The Queen     7:22  
Must we really keep doing this every month or  
two?

 _[Draft]     7:23_  
_It’s not like he’s saying anything on his website_  
_or as if I can just ask him, and you surely aren’t_  
_going to tell me anything unless I ask, so yes, I_  
_think we must. How else am I supposed to know_  
_that this is still worth it, that they haven’t_  
_somehow found out and kil_

[Sent]     7:24  
Yes.

The Queen     7:26  
His status is the same.

The Queen     7:27  
Do you really think that if something happened  
to him that I wouldn’t find a way to contact  
you? That I wouldn’t pull you out of this  
ridiculous mission of yours and bring you back  
home?

 _[Draft]    7:27_  
_Yes_

 _[Draft]    7:28_  
_I don’t_

 _[Draft]    7:28_  
_What am I supposed to say to that?_

 _[Draft]    7:30_  
_So I’m just supposed to stop worrying about_  
_him, like it’s that easy? Like I don’t spend_  
_practically every minute of the day thinking_  
_about him and wondering how he is and what_  
_he’s doing and_

The Queen     7:31  
All this sentiment isn’t going to help you get  
back any faster or keep you any safer, Bee.  
Trust that I will get word to you if anything  
happens that you need to know about, and  
focus on finishing this so that you can come  
home.


	79. John - Blog Posts Saved to Drafts

Thought I saw you on the tube today.

\---------------

Journal Assignment #2

Sherlock didn’t come home. He’s been buried for two weeks now. I keep waking up in the middle of the night wondering where he is. I’m living now in some tiny bedsit in Lewisham. It’s total shit and it’s far too expensive but I didn’t really have time to

\---------------

Took Mrs Hudson to see your grave today. She wanted to leave flowers. I picked her up at the flat and I couldn’t go in, I really couldn’t, and do you know what she said to me? “I understand, dear. It’s just so quiet now all the time.” You selfish arse. You bastard. Mrs Hudson, alone in that flat. Fuck you. And I still couldn’t make myself go in for tea afterward.

\---------------

Why though. I just don’t understand why you would do that. I thought we were happy enough, living together, working cases. Why didn’t I see it coming? Aren’t there supposed to be signs?

\---------------

I thought I saw him in Tesco this afternoon. He was buying that brand of tea he hated, though, so I knew it really couldn’t be.

\---------------

You know what you wanted, really? to help people. I don’t even know if you knew that. But you did. You took the cases you thought were really important and gave people answers and uncovered the truths they needed to know, if they needed to know them. They didn’t always. You could’ve been a chemist or a neurobiologist or any hundred of things, but you picked the one that would help you help people. You were an arse about it, too, but you did it. I hope you knew that, at least.

\---------------

Journal Assignment #3

Ella asked me to do a little write-up on goals and think about what are my goals, because apparently I’m aimless and need to sort out what I’m going to do with my life now. I guess I need to find a job but that’s the only thing I can really think of right now. I expect she’d want to see a list full of things like “join a rugby league” or “take up whittling” or “do volunteer work” or “write a book,” all of which sounds terrible. I don’t want to do any of that, I don’t care about any of that. I don’t really care about much of anything. Get a job. Work. That’s all that’s left I suppose.

\---------------

I wonder if you believed in heaven.

\---------------

I got a job today, just some locum GP work. You hated that I worked as a GP because you thought it was a waste of my “talents.” Never did work out what that meant.

\---------------

Why did you never find these drafts? You organised my ties by colour, you hacked into my laptop all the time, you even got a copy of my birth certificate so you could know my middle name. You had no respect for privacy, no respect for space, and out of everything, THIS is what you didn’t find? Did you suddenly grow a boundary when it came to my blog?! YOU USED TO EDIT THE POSTS! I know you did you tosser, I could spot you rearranging all the goddamn commas, you logged in behind my back all the time and deleted Harry’s comments even. YOU LOGGED IN!! YOU KNEW HOW TO NAVIGATE THIS STUPID BLOG AND YOU KNEW HOW TO LOOK AT EVERYTHING SO WHY DID YOU NEVER LOOK AT THE DRAFTS!??? I can’t do everything Sherlock! I was happy, it was enough to be friends, it was enough for me, but you went and fucking killed yourself because it wasn’t enough but there was so much more, there was so much more that you didn’t see, that you didn’t know, EVEN THOUGH I was here, FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU, and writing about it in my stupid drafts because you never looked. WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER LOOK. I can’t carry it on my own Sherlock. I can’t do it on my own. I can love you but you can’t expect me to put it all out there, you can’t expect me to take the risk every time, that’s not fair. You can’t expect me to give you more of a reason to live when you were reason enough for me as it was. You can’t expect me to just know that you needed that, I’m not the bloody genius here, you are, and HERE IT WAS, ALL WRITTEN OUT FOR YOU, IF YOU’D JUST HAVE LOOKED.

\---------------

Saw you in the park today.

\---------------

The woman who’s been on maternity leave at my clinic decided not to come back after all so I’ve been offered work full time. I don’t really want to do it but I can’t turn down the money, and after all, it’s not like I’m doing anything else with all my time.

\---------------

For Christmas this year I was going to get your tobacco ash analysis published. I had a copy of it saved on my laptop and I was going to find some journal to run it. You’re not here though so it didn’t seem like the effort, but last week I printed it--all five hundred pages, I thought the guy at the printer’s was going to kill me--and took it to your grave, all these loose leaf pages, and just left it. When I went back today it was gone.

\---------------

I’m tired, Sherlock. Please come home. Just stop it and come home now.

\---------------

It’s been a year and sometimes I still think it’s you when my mobile rings. Wherever you are, I hope you’re happy.

\---------------

Fuck you, Sherlock. I fukcing hate you I wish I’d nvre met you you miseravke excuse for a humsn being,

\---------------

Greg came by today. He took my gun.

Sprained my wrist too.

\---------------

Clinic has been busy lately. Had a couple interesting patients. Obviously I can’t talk about them online but it’s been a while since I’ve felt like doing GP work was worthwhile. It was worthwhile to them, though.

\---------------

Moved into a new flat today. It’s not as nice as

\---------------

I’m tryin to forget you. Please ket mre forget you.

\---------------

Moved into a new flat last week. It’s not great but it’s all right. The water pressure in the shower is truly amazing on a sore shoulder. If I’m being honest the water pressure is the only reason I picked it really. It’s good to be able to take a shower and then fall into bed without having to worry about anything else for right now.

Everyone says it’s time for me to start talking about it again so I made a blog post up and posted it. You know how you used to hate that thing where someone asks “are you okay” and people say “fine” even though they’re not really fine because that’s just the done thing? You did that sometimes too, you know, but you used to hate that, “because why would you say you’re fine if you’re not fine?! why would you lie just to make them more comfortable?” You lied all the time to make me more comfortable though. I could tell, sometimes. Not all the time. But that’s what that whole blog post was about, lying to make it more comfortable. You’d have hated it. You’d have seen through me in a second.

I wonder what you’d have done.

\---------------

Found some old pictures of the flat and things and put them up. Stuff we’d done together. That fucking cluedo board. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life. I know you thought I was laughing at you, but you were just so charming and adorable at it. “Then the rules are wrong!” Okay, Sherl. Have a biscuit. Let me love you just a little bit harder.

\---------------

Went to drinks last night with a friend from the clinic. She’s nice. She didn’t follow anything in the papers about you and didn’t even really know who you were, so we didn’t really talk about you at all. We talked about a lot of things. It was nice, actually. Really nice.

\---------------

Started writing up some old cases. It feels like you’re here when I write about you. Maybe I will end up writing about you for the rest of my life, after all.

\---------------

Went out for coffee yesterday with Stamford. Saw you in the shop but at the last minute noticed the scarf was red, not blue. Why’d you always wear blue? You vain little monster, you knew it made your eyes look amazing, didn’t you? Some days I felt like you were terrorising me with blue scarf and blue eyes, trying to edge me closer so maybe I’d put a bit of red in your cheeks.

I was probably imagining it though. I miss you anyway. Two years. It doesn’t feel that long.

\---------------

Last night Mary said she’d never dated a widower before. I told her I wasn’t, that we weren’t, that it hadn’t been like that. She just looked at me and took a sip of water and said it didn’t have to have been.

\---------------

I still think I see you sometimes.

\---------------

Mary’s flat has a lot more light in it than mine did. 221B used to have a lot of light in it, especially in the mornings. It used to light Sherlock up. He had a bit of red in his hair. I think Mary’s natural hair has a bit of red in it too, but she’s pretty staunch about colouring and grooming and so on that I don’t really get to see it enough to tell. It’s not really that important.

\---------------

I’ve been thinking about taking Mary to meet you. You’d have liked her, I think. I hope you would have. She’s...good, to me. I think you could have appreciated that, at least.


	80. Sherlock - Unaddressed Emails Saved to Drafts

The tea here is terrible. It’s an insult to tea’s good name to even call this tea.

\--------------------------------------------------

Today I saw a man in a jumper that was somehow even more hideous than that one you wore for Christmas last year. I didn’t know that was possible. Apparently there are limits to the horror of your wardrobe, and for that I am eternally grateful.

\--------------------------------------------------

I miss my coat. My brother insisted it was too distinctive, so I had to leave it behind.

I am 900 miles from home. I seriously doubt anyone is going to recognize my coat here.

\--------------------------------------------------

I can’t say where I am, but the tea in this city is marginally better.

\--------------------------------------------------

Merry Christmas.

\--------------------------------------------------

This task is taking so much longer to accomplish than I had anticipated.

I really thought I would be home by now.

\--------------------------------------------------

Why haven’t you updated your blog? I thought it might be fun to leave you an anonymous comment or two, but I can’t do that if you don’t post anything new.

\--------------------------------------------------

This thing that I’m doing, it involves far too much waiting. Too much time to think. Too much time to wonder how I could have tried to find another way. Too much time to wonder what you’re doing. (My brother wouldn’t tell me anything really, the few times I’ve been in contact with him.) Too much time to wonder what if.

what if

\--------------------------------------------------

I know you’ll never see these messages, but even still, you should know that it makes me feel a little better to write them when I can. It almost makes me feel as if I’m not so very far from home after all.

I miss home.

\--------------------------------------------------

I miss you.

\--------------------------------------------------

I bought some of your favorite tea today. Happened across it in a small shop on a side street. I bought some milk, too, and I put more sugar in it than was strictly necessary, and for just a moment, if I closed my eyes, it felt a little like being home. The smells are all wrong of course, and the sounds are, too, but I could pretend. Just for a little while.

\--------------------------------------------------

How has it been an entire year already since I last saw you?

I hope you’re well. I think of you all the time. Some days you’re all I think about.

\--------------------------------------------------

I know I’ve said little of my work here, mostly because I can’t risk it, but let me just say that I am thankful for all the times I watched you stitch me up.

\--------------------------------------------------

What does your scar look like? I’ve always wondered. You’re so careful about keeping it hidden. When I come home, would you let me see it? The data is useful, of course, but I must admit that my interest goes beyond the scientific. But that’s always been true where you’re concerned, hasn’t it?

\--------------------------------------------------

I talk to you every day. Have I told you that? You talk back, but it isn’t really you, of course. I’ve never been able to get you exactly right. In so many ways you are still a mystery to me. The only mystery that I think I could spend a lifetime trying to unravel and never actually solve.

The only one I’d be okay with not solving.

\--------------------------------------------------

I really wish you would post something. It would be nice to have proof that you’re still breathing, that your heart still beats. My brother assures me you are very much still alive. I suppose I have to take him at his word. Otherwise, what is all this for?

\--------------------------------------------------

This is the closest I’ve been to home since I left. Part of me wonders--and this is entirely irrational, I know--if you can sense it. Do you somehow know I’m still alive? That tonight I’m nearby? I so wish I could tell you. This wasn’t the plan at all. I was going to tell you everything, but he forced my hand, and I had to do this to protect you.

It’s funny. There was a time when all that mattered was the work. I know I told you that once. It wasn’t a lie then, but I’ve realized since then that my priorities have rather shifted.

I hope you know somehow that you are my priority. You are what matters.

I know I haven’t said it in so many words, but I swear that when I come home I will.

\--------------------------------------------------

I dream of you. Have I told you that?

It’s always the same.

We’re standing on a cliff overlooking the sea, and in the distance a wave rolls toward us, gathering strength, gathering speed, growing, growing, growing. It pushes closer until we are in its shadow as it looms overhead. You look at me and I at you, and just when I open my mouth to say something, it crashes over us and pulls you out to sea. Somehow I stay standing, but as the water recedes, I find that I can’t move, that my feet won’t carry me toward you, that I can do nothing to bring you back to shore.

I don’t put much stock in dreams. They’re a complex series of images cobbled together by our unconscious minds, theorized to assist with memory processing and the consolidation of the immeasurable input received by our brains throughout the day. It is an unavoidable process with some debatably beneficial function, but the content is largely inconsequential to that purpose. The images themselves mean nothing, and it is foolish to dwell on them.

Yet here I am, still awake. Still foolish.

\--------------------------------------------------

I have other dreams about you, too.

But those don’t seem fit to share. Not like this.

Maybe when I come home.

\--------------------------------------------------

Things have stagnated here. The trails are all cold. It means more waiting.

I hate every minute that I have to spend here without you.

\--------------------------------------------------

I would never have thought I’d be spending a second Christmas without you. I never expected that I would be away this long. I hope you haven’t forgotten me.

I haven’t forgotten you.

\--------------------------------------------------

I have to stop checking your blog. All it does is deepen this empty pit inside me every time I look and find there is still nothing new. And as much as I would love to see you post something, to know that you’ve done something you feel is worth writing about again, the thought that I’m not there to enjoy it with you, that I can’t even reply to whatever you have to say makes me more unhappy than I can possibly bear. I have to stop. But if you do post anything, I promise I’ll read it when I come home. It can be one of what I hope are many rewards upon my return.

\--------------------------------------------------

I’m sorry I never told you. I should have. I should have said it every day. Forgive me for being so afraid. Three tiny, simple words--how could three little words have been so frightening?

 

I’m not afraid anymore.

\--------------------------------------------------

I miscalculated tonight, made a mistake--not something you’ll hear me often admit--and it nearly cost me everything. I am deep under cover, and if I had been found out, well, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you what could have happened. Even writing this is a considerable risk now, but it’s one I have to take. I can’t seem to stop the thoughts swirling inside my mind. But you’ve always been able to quiet them, at least a bit, so it’s worth the risk to write this to you and hope that I can find some peace.

I can’t stop thinking that if I hadn’t been able to talk my way out of it, you might have never known. Never known that I’m still alive, still out here trying to protect you. Never known why I’ve been doing all this, that it’s all for you. Never known for certain how I feel about you.

I have every confidence in my ability to succeed here, but I must acknowledge that even with my most careful plans, something could still go wrong--and nearly has already--and I could still not make it back to you. I could die here without ever telling you, without saying the actual words out loud.

Do you know I’ve never said them aloud, not even to myself? They’ve never passed my lips. I’ve never put them to paper, or rather screen. I haven’t allowed them to ever be anything more than the single thought that keeps my heart beating, my blood pumping, my lungs breathing in and out this hateful air that doesn’t smell of wool and tea and clean soap and golden skin. They are a torch in the darkness, as you have always been to me from nearly the moment we met, and when the way has become difficult, they are what has kept me trudging onward.

And the thought that you might never know, I just

I am trying my best, but sometimes I fear that I am not enough.

I have considered that perhaps I should put the words down here in these messages, in case I never have the chance to say them to you myself. I’m confident that if something were to happen to me, my brother would somehow find these and pass them along to you.

But I want to come home and tell you in person. Perhaps it’s selfish, but I want to see your face when I say it. Will your lips quirk into that small, soft, half-smile you sometimes get when you look at me (don’t think I haven’t noticed)? Will I be able to see the words shimmer in your eyes like sunlight on the ocean? You would be happy, wouldn’t you? I feel like we were dancing around it before I left, and I often wonder now if you were waiting for me to take that final step that would bring us together. Well, I’m ready now. This is the last piece of the puzzle, and as soon as I’m done here, I’m going to come home and tell you.

And so, no, I don’t think I am going to write the words here as a _just in case_. I have to continue to believe that I will make it back to say them to you. Putting them down here feels a little like defeat, as if I’m dooming myself to failure, allowing myself the option of giving up. Things are certainly grim here, and I will need to be exceedingly careful to navigate this situation successfully, but I have to let these words, these thoughts, _you_ continue to be the one bit of hope to which I can cling.

 

That’s decided then. I’m not going to say them until I see you.

Or if

No, I’m not going to fail. I am going to make it back to you. I have to believe that. And if this goes well, I will be home with you soon.

I miss you terribly.

Ever yours,

x


	81. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

[Sent]     17:34  
I love you. Please come home.

Sherlock    17:35  
Message Undeliverable

[Sent]     17:38  
I love you. Please come home.

Sherlock    17:39  
Message Undeliverable

[Sent]    17:53  
I love you. Please come home.

[Sent]    17:53  
Please. I can’t keep asking.

Sherlock    17:54  
Message Undeliverable

\-------------------------

[Sent]    18:22  
I love you. Please come home.

Mary     18:24  
On my way, darling! I love you too.  
xxx be there soon!


	82. Sherlock - Unaddressed Email Saved to Drafts

runnning ou t of tiime

i loev yyou

forgiv eme

i lloveyuo

i love you


	83. John - Handwritten Note Folded into Quarters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After _[Many Happy Returns](http://johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/05october). _

Sherlock,

I’ve been putting this off, but I think it’s time, isn’t it? Two and a half years is probably time enough, and I’ve recently resolved to be more honest with myself, just like you were. Seeing you again on that DVD, the birthday DVD, it was        startling.  

I’ve already forgotten so much about you. You have faded away in my mind and I didn’t even realise it. Your smile. I’d forgotten how it changed your whole face. I’d forgotten how many different smiles you had. I realised I couldn’t remember anymore exactly what your shampoo smelled like, even though I know it was cedar and citrus. And so many other things I didn’t even know that I’d forgotten.

I’ve been moving on without you, Sherlock. And it’s time for me to let myself let you go.

I took Mary to see you, and I think she understood. She’s been so good to me, Sherlock. She makes me laugh again. She lets me be a mess sometimes and then she pulls me back together. She’s completely turned my life around. I was headed down the road to follow you, and she turned me around. Gave me a reason to walk in the other direction. I’ve got the drinking under control now, and a good job, and things are good. It’s not like it was with you, but it’s still good, and I think I’d like to keep this, the way things are.

I’m going to ask her to marry me. I hope you’ll forgive me, Sherlock. ~~If it could have been you~~

I hope wherever you are, that you know I still believe in you. I still love you. I always will, even if you wouldn’t have liked it. That might not have been your way, but it was mine, and you’ll just have to deal with it. But don’t worry, it’s not goodbye. Not really. I’m still on my way back to you, Sherlock. I’m just going to take the long way around.

John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watch [Many Happy Returns](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwntNANJCOE)


	84. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The day before Sherlock shows up at the Landmark.

_[Draft]     17:21_  
_I’m_

_[Draft]     17:23_  
_How are you_

_[Draft]     17:28_  
_I need to talk to you._

_[Draft]     17:42_  
_You’ll be happy to know that I’ve been away,_  
_not dead. I’m flying home right now, and I’m_  
_coming to see you as soon as I can. There are_  
_things I need to say to you. You’re the only thing_  
_that_

_[Draft]     17:59_  
_I know you think I died, but I didn’t. I’ve been_  
_away protecting you, and I’m coming home_  
_now, and I need to tell you something, and no_  
_this is all wrong I can’t do this like this how do_  
_you tell someone that you’re not actually dead_  
_how how how how how_

_[Draft]     18:03_  
_John, I don’t know how to say this, but_

_[Draft]     18:24_  
_John, I’m_

_[Draft]     18:47_  
_John_


	85. Sherlock - Text Thread with Mycroft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Sherlock comes home from the Landmark.

[Sent]     20:10  
You knew about this didn’t you?

[Sent]     20:12  
Damn it, answer me, Mycroft.

Mycroft     20:13  
As I know many things about a great number of  
topics, and nothing about a greal deal more,  
you’ll have to be more specific about the exact  
knowledge you are accusing me of having.

[Sent]     20:13  
Must you always be so insufferable? You know  
damn well what I mean. You knew about her.

Mycroft     20:15  
Your grand reunion with the dear doctor  
didn’t go as planned I take it?

[Sent]     20:15  
Stop avoiding the question.

Mycroft     20:16  
What do you want me to say? Yes, I was aware  
of her presence. Forgive me for not informing  
you of every individual with whom he has  
interacted during your time away. Would you  
like to know about the shop clerk who sold him  
a cup of coffee this morning, too?

[Sent]     20:18  
Oh, I see. You were enjoying this, too. It wasn’t  
enough to watch me being physically beaten.  
You wanted to see me beaten mentally as well.  
You’ve gone on and on for years about how  
caring isn’t an advantage. Fine. Point made.  
Well done. Hope this was all as entertaining as  
you’d hoped it would be.

Mycroft     20:19  
If you’d think for a moment, I do believe you’d  
find it’s not me you’re really angry with.

[Sent]     20:19  
Oh, insulting my intelligence now, too? What a  
wonderful conclusion to this day. Do fuck off,  
Mycroft.

Mycroft     20:19  
Must you always assume the worst of me?

 _[Draft]     20:19_ _  
_ _Yes_

[Sent]     20:21  
Then why didn’t you do something?

Mycroft     20:22  
What was there to do? Get in touch with you to  
inform you of her presence? Distract you from  
your task? Interfere with their relationship? It  
isn’t my place to police Dr Watson’s life choices.

 _[Draft]     20:23_  
_You could have vaguely threatened her like_  
_you’ve done to practically everyone you’ve ever_  
_met. You could have found me sooner. You_  
_could have mentioned her before I went there to_  
_tell him that I lov_

[Sent]     20:25  
Don’t pretend that you don’t love to meddle. At  
the very least you could have warned me. Isn’t  
that what a proper big brother would do?

Mycroft     20:26  
I told you he had moved on, and I did in fact  
warn you that you might not be welcome.  
Besides, what he does in his free time is no  
concern of mine. Nor should it be yours right  
now--do not forget that you have a case to  
solve.

 _[Draft]     20:26_  
_I didn’t realise you meant_

 _[Draft]     20:30_  
_He was so angry. I thought he would be happy._  
_Why was he_

Mycroft     20:32  
Lives are at stake. You can’t afford to let this  
distract you.

Mycroft     20:36  
Please, Sherlock. Just focus on the case.

 _[Draft]     20:39_ _  
_ _How did I make such a mess of this?_

\-------------------------

 _[Draft]     20:57_  
_John, that didn’t go at all the way I had_  
_imagined. I didn’t know. I didn’t know you_  
_would be so_

 _[Draft]     21:03_  
_Please let me apologise._

 _[Draft]     21:21_  
_It doesn’t even smell like you here anymore._

 _[Draft]     21:45_  
_John, I’m sorry. I_

 _[Draft]     22:07_  
_I would like to apologise to you face-to-face._  
_Would you be willing to see me long enough for_  
_that? No, I suppose you wouldn’t, would you?_  
_Understandable really. I’ve made a mess of_  
_everything. I was trying to save you, you know._  
_To save us. I didn’t get to tell you that. But there_  
_is no us now. Maybe there never was. I’m sorry._  
_For whatever that’s worth, I’m sorry. And as_  
_you’ve made it clear you don’t want me around,_  
_I’ll spare you. It’s the least I can do. Mary seems_  
_to think she can talk you round, but does she_  
_know how stubborn you can be? I can’t say that_  
_I have much hope that it will work, but I’ll wait_  
_and see. I’ll wait and I’ll wait and I’ll wait, and if_  
_she changes your mind, if you decide for some_  
_reason that we could be friends, casual_  
_acquaintances even, I’ll be here._

\-------------------------

[Sent]     22:23  
Don’t worry about your case. I’ll start on it in  
the morning. In the meantime, do something  
useful and send someone by with a suture kit  
and fresh bandages.

Mycroft     22:24  
If you need medical assistance, you should visit  
an A&E. I can send a car for you.

[Sent]     22:24  
I don’t need assistance. I need supplies. I can  
repair my own stitches, but there aren’t any  
medical supplies in the flat anymore. Just send  
them round, and leave me alone.

Mycroft     22:25  
Someone will be there within the hour.


	86. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

He’s alive. He’s

All that time he was out there while I was here. He didn’t just leave he died, he lied about dying, he,  

he looked right at me and he made me believe he killed himself. he made me think that I wasn't, that I hadn't seen it, that I had missed it, that I hadn't given him enough of a reason. god I’m such a fool. here I’ve been, pining after him like he was some tragic hero, but I suppose that’s my fault isn’t it. it’s my fault for making him into something he wasn’t. He even told me not to make him a hero, and that’s exactly what I fucking did, god I’m such an idiot. He just _left_

I could never have

god after all this time. after everything. I gave you up Sherlock. I said my goodbyes and I let you go and now after all that, now after everything, you come home. could you hear me? have you been reading these all this time? you unbearable bastard. why couldn’t you just be dead? I was so ready for you to just be dead and now you're back and I don't know what to do, Sherlock, when you come home just when I'm promising never to come back. tell me what you want from me. tell me why you're here. why right now. why did you come looking for me. after all this lying Sherlock, tell me a truth.    


	87. John - Text Thread with Greg Lestrade

Greg 11:31  
I have something I think you’re going to  
want back. Something I took from you.

Greg 11:32  
Could’ve used you at the crime scene  
yesterday we had Sherlock at.

[Sent] 11:35  
Did you know too? Did you know that he  
was off faffing around, playing Moriarty’s  
game? Did you cover for him all that  
time?

[Sent] 11:36  
If you kept it you must’ve known.

Greg 11:40  
I didn’t know. I really did not know.

Greg 11:41  
I’m just as surprised as you are. And I  
kept it because I hoped one day I’d  
be able to give it back to you. And I  
didn’t want to have to report where  
I’d got it from, or under what  
circumstances.

Greg 11:43  
But if you’re going back to work with  
Sherlock, you’ll need it.

[Sent] 11:47  
I’m not going back to work with Sherlock.  
You can keep it.

Greg 12:01  
He needs you, John. Think about it.

[Sent] 12:05  
He hasn’t needed me for nearly three  
years, Greg.


	88. Sherlock - Unaddressed Email Saved to Drafts

I pulled you from a fire last night. I nearly lost you after all I went through to save you. 

I pulled you from a fire and then had to walk away. I don’t even know how you are today. I assume you’re alright, or she would have called me. I hope she would have at least. If not, I’m sure my brother would have stuck his nose where it doesn’t belong in order to find out and inform me. 

I pulled you from a fire. A literal fire. After two years fighting the dangers out there, it turns out that it’s the ones right here at home that I couldn’t protect you from. I don’t know who did it or why. I hate that I don’t know. I hate that they could get to you so easily. But more than any of it, I hate that you’re off recovering somewhere else. In someone else’s home. In someone else’s arms.

I saw her there, just before I slipped away, fussing and fretting as the paramedics looked you over. Once upon a time, I would have thought that should be me. That I should be the one by your side through whatever life throws our way. Just the two of us. Damn the rest of the world. But there’s no place for me there anymore. I don’t know why I ever let myself think there was.

Where did it all go so wrong?

Was my mistake the way that I returned to you? Was it revealing myself there in the Landmark, trying to smooth things with a smile? You used to laugh. I remember that. I remember the way your chest would shake, the way your lips would curl. Two years. Two years without that. I just wanted to hear it, to see it, to know if the crinkles at the corners of your eyes are the same ones I remember. I thought you would be happy to see me. I was happy to see you.

Was my mistake that I lied? I only did it to protect you. I thought that you would understand, that you would see that it was worth it. I lied to keep you safe. You lied to me about Irene’s death, told me she’d gone to America, when you thought the truth would hurt me. You lied to protect me; I lied to protect you. Is it really so different? 

Was my mistake stepping off that roof in the first place? He would have killed you. I had to do it. I had to. I’ve spent the better part of two years wondering if there could have been another way, but in the moment, it was all that I could do. I didn’t know it would keep me away so long. I didn’t know it would end like this.

Maybe my only mistake was faking it. Maybe it’s that I returned at all.

Or maybe it was convincing myself of this fantasy in the first place, of the idea that you might care for me in some way. But it was clearly just that. A fantasy. And what did I get for it? A bloody nose. A latticework of wounds reopened against a restaurant floor. The pain and anger and resentment of the one person I wanted to protect from it all.

I should never have allowed myself to believe that we could have anything more than a friendship--even that was tenuous at the best of times. And now. Now I don’t even have that. You haven’t called. You haven’t texted. I’ve been clinging to this foolish hope that you might forgive me, that you might at least give me a chance to apologise, but what I’ve done is apparently unforgivable. I pulled you from a fire last night, and I will spend the rest of my life pulling you from whatever fires you wish, if that’s all I’m allowed to have. I will make myself useful to you, if that’s what you want, if you’ll at least allow me that. 

But if you have no use for me at all, I can’t say that I blame you.


	89. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

_[Draft]     9:11_  
_I don’t actually know if this is still your_  
_number, but thank you._

 _[Draft]     9:17_  
_I don’t know_

 _[Draft]     9:19_  
_Thank you for saving my life._

 _[Draft]     9:26_  
_Are you at Baker Street? Can I_

 _[Draft]     9:39_  
_I keep thinking that I must be imagining_  
_you, and it’s paralysing._


	90. Sherlock - Text Thread with Molly Hooper

[Sent]     9:14   
There will be a small gathering at 221B this    
afternoon to celebrate John’s engagement, if    
you would like to join us.

Molly     9:16   
John’s engaged?

[Sent]     9:16   
Well, it would be rather pointless to celebrate    
his engagement if he weren’t.

Molly     9:17   
Right.

Molly     9:17   
And how are you feeling?

[Sent]     9:20   
What an inane question. This isn’t about me. I    
have no feelings on the matter. I’m happy for    
John’s sake, of course. Why should I have any    
other feelings about his engagement? He’s my    
friend. People are supposed to be happy for    
their friends when they get engaged, are they    
not? And I am. Of course, I’m happy for him.

Molly     9:22   
It’s okay if you’re not.

[Sent]     9:29   
I’m happy that he’s happy.

Molly     9:32   
You’ve changed a lot since you went away.

_ [Draft]     9:32   
So has he. _

[Sent]     9:37   
Everyone will be here at 1. Don’t be late.


	91. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

It really is you, back at Baker Street. I thought maybe I’d dreamed you, but today you were in the same room as Mary and Molly and everyone, and I’d never dreamed up Molly before and I never dreamed about you with Mary there, so it’s really you. I suppose I should stop addressing these to you like this. It’s a bit weird. It’s just such a habit now.

It’s also definitely you because nobody else could be such an enormous prick all the time. Nobody else would have thought ‘ah, you know, we’re looking for a bomb, now would be the perfect time to wring a forgiveness out of you.’ Don’t think I don’t know that that was incredibly manipulative. It wasn’t good. But still, in that split second before you started laughing when I thought I was going to die, do you know what I thought? Thank god. Together this time. 

So what can I do but to let that forgiveness stand? I asked you to come home, Sherlock, and you did. I didn’t ask you to be the man in my head. I didn’t ask you to love me back. And now I stand corrected in all my foolishness, don’t I? I remember now exactly what we are, and it isn’t that.

Thank God for Mary in times like these. I don’t know how I would have managed this if I hadn’t had her to lean back on. She doesn’t quite seem to understand why I’m not happy that you’re back, why I can’t just let go of all the grief as if it never happened, but she’s more or less letting me work it out on my own. And we’re getting married, Mary and I. Starting a new life together. Seeing you again just cemented it for me, actually. I had hesitated before because it felt so soon, it felt like I wasn’t done grieving what we had, but now you’re here and I see that we never had what I thought we did at all. But I do still have a good thing with Mary, something grounded in reality, and with all this going on, reality is the best path to go right now, I think.  It’s time to get my head out of the clouds and start living in the here and now. After all, you are--you have been this whole time.


	92. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

_[Draft]     14:10_   
_Would you want to_

_[Draft]     14:14_   
_I have a case in Ilford, if you wanted to come_   
_along. Could be a bit like old times._

_[Draft]     14:18_   
_I don’t know if you would you be interested in_   
_coming with me, but_

_[Draft]     14:20_   
_Could use your help on the case Lestrade just_   
_sent me._

[Sent]     14:21  
Potential poisoning in Ilford.  Could use your  
medical expertise.

_[Draft]     14:25_   
_If you don’t want to, it’s fine. I won’t blame you._

John     14:33  
Sorry, Mary and I had plans tonight and I can’t  
get away.

John     14:36  
Maybe next time?

_[Draft]     14:37_   
_If you’re still angry_

_[Draft]     14:37_   
_You don’t have to pretend like_

[Sent]     14:38  
Next time. Yes, of course.

\--------------------------------------------------

_[Draft]     10:46_   
_You said maybe next time. Well, I’ve got another_   
_case. This time would you want to_

_[Draft]     10:48_   
_Got another case already._

[Sent]     10:49  
Case out in Croydon, if you’re free.

John     11:02  
I’m at work, sorry.

John     11:15  
You can sneak me a few pictures, if you think  
it’d be helpful?

_[Draft]     12:24_   
_It’s not the same without you here._

[Sent]     12:58  
Thought it would be more interesting, but it  
was barely a 4. Wouldn’t have been worth your  
time anyway.

John     13:34  
Next time maybe.

\--------------------------------------------------

[Sent]     21:07  
I know it’s late, but there’s an apparent  
murder-suicide in Southwark, if you aren’t too  
busy.

_[Draft]     21:30_   
_John?_

_[Draft]     21:46_   
_Should I just stop asking?_

\--------------------------------------------------

[Sent]     9:56  
Busy?

John     10:04  
Just doing some work around the house today.  
Something on? A case?

[Sent]     10:04  
Strangulation in Chiswick. Interested?

_[Draft]     10:08_   
_Please_

John     10:10  
Let me check with Mary and see what she’s got  
planned. Are you at the crime scene already?

[Sent]     10:12  
On my way. Just got in a cab.

John     10:15  
Better than a 7 then? Lol.

_[Draft]     10:15_   
_Barely a 5, but I’ll take anything to keep me_   
_from_

[Sent]     10:15  
Could be. You know how the Met is though. In  
over their heads either way.

_[Draft]     10:22_   
_Did I say something wrong?_

John     10:33  
Sorry. It’s not going to work out.

John     10:34  
Things are just pretty busy these days. I’ll look  
forward to hearing about it though.

_[Draft]     12:19_   
_Needed you there._

_[Draft]     12:25_   
_Really could have used your help with this one._   
_Could have saved me a black eye._

_[Draft]     12:31_   
_Would you want to come by for dinner to hear_

_[Draft]     12:32_   
_No of course you wouldn’t. What a stupid_   
_question. You don’t even want to come on_   
_cases. We don’t do things like dinner anymore._   
_It’s never going to be that way again, is it?_

\--------------------------------------------------

John     18:21  
Anything on? Any good murders aching to be  
recounted on a forgotten blog?

\-------------------------

[Sent]     18:21  
I need a case.

[Sent]     18:23  
Now Lestrade

[Sent]     18:29  
Don’t ignore me. Give me a damn case.

Lestrade     18:34  
I don’t have anything for you.

[Sent]     18:34  
I don’t care what it is. Just give me something.  
Anything.

Lestrade     18:36  
Really, I’ve got nothing at all right now. Things  
are quiet.

[Sent]     18:36  
What good are you then?

\-------------------------

_[Draft]     18:36_   
_Lestrade is worthless._

[Sent]     18:37  
Unfortunately no. The criminal classes have  
apparently decided to be as boring as possible  
this week.

John     18:38  
And how are the walls holding up then? Any  
fresh abuse to Mrs Hudson’s wallpaper?

[Sent]     18:38  
Nothing that would require an increase in our  
rent.

John      18:40  
Is that because you’ve mellowed, or because  
Mrs Hudson is just happy to have you back?

_[Draft]     18:41_   
_Do we have to keep_

_[Draft]     18:43_   
_I don’t know what you want me to say to that._

John     18:44  
Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. I’m  
sure things are fine over there.    

[Sent]     18:45  
It’s fine, John.

[Sent]     18:45  
But for the record, I think she’s just happy to  
have someone to talk to about her feud with  
Mrs Turner.

John     18:47  
Oh, trouble on Baker Street then. I’m sure the  
gossip is riveting. It’s too bad there wasn’t  
anything on to save you.

[Sent]     18:47  
Well, if they keep it up much more, I may be  
asking you to investigate a murder much closer  
to home.

John     18:48  
It’d be a very short investigation. I’ll be sure to  
follow the clues exactly as you set them out so I  
come to the correct conclusion.

John     18:49  
Which would be self-defence, surely.

[Sent]     18:49  
I knew I could count on you.

John     18:54  
I’ve got nothing going on this weekend. If  
something comes up, you know where to find  
me.

_[Draft]     18:54_   
_You’re not just saying that to be polite, are you?_   
_I can’t tell._

[Sent]     18:56  
I’ll let you know.

\--------------------------------------------------

[Sent]     15:16  
Locked room murder in Brixton. Join me?

John     15:21  
Wouldn’t miss it. Meet you there?

_[Draft]     15:21_   
_Nothing would make me happier._

[Sent]     15:21  
Yes. Already on my way.


	93. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock     14:21  
Potential poisoning in Ilford. Could use your  
medical expertise.

_[Draft]     14:23_   
_A case? Is that_

_[Draft]     14:23_   
_I don’t know_

_[Draft]     14:26_   
_It’s been so long. That’s not really the life I live_   
_anymore._

_[Draft]     14:29_   
_How could you even_

[Sent]     14:33  
Sorry, Mary and I had plans tonight and I can’t  
get away.

_[Draft]     14:35_   
_Wait_

[Sent]     14:36  
Maybe next time?

Sherlock     14:38  
Next time. Yes, of course.

\--------------------------------------------------

Sherlock     10:49  
Case out in Croydon, if you’re free.

[Sent]     11:02  
I’m at work, sorry.

_[Draft]     11:03_   
_Is it good, though?_

_[Draft]     11:05_   
_I get out at five tonight, let me know if_

_[Draft]     11:09_   
_Is it dangerous?_

[Sent]     11:15  
You can sneak me a few pictures, if you think  
it’d be helpful?

_[Draft]     11:53_   
_Is it any good? Do you need me?_

_[Draft]     11:54_   
_Of course you don’t. Never mind._

_[Draft]     11:55_   
_Why do you keep_

Sherlock     12:58  
Thought it would be more interesting, but it  
was barely a 4. Wouldn’t have been worth your  
time anyway.

[Sent]     13:34  
Next time maybe.

\--------------------------------------------------

Sherlock     21:07  
I know it’s late, but there’s an apparent  
murder-suicide in Southwark, if you aren’t too  
busy.

_[Draft]     22:03_   
_Please stop asking_

_[Draft]     22:05_   
_I don’t know whether I can stand it, nothing is_   
_like that anymore. I’m in bed with Mary and you_   
_want to go on a case. And now I can’t stop_   
_thinking about you, and how you could be out_   
_there, getting into danger, and I’m here, and_   
_whether she’d even notice if I slipped out for an_   
_hour or two, and it’s driving me insane._

_[Draft]     22:07_   
_Do you understand? I can’t keep acting like we_   
_can go back to the way things were. Things_   
_were never the way I thought they were._   
_There’s nothing to go back to._

\--------------------------------------------------

Sherlock     9:56  
Busy?

_[Draft]     10:00_   
_No, actually. Totally free. You’re going to ask if I_   
_want to come on a case, and I don’t know if I_   
_can say no to you again._

[Sent]     10:04  
Just doing some work around the house today.  
Something on?

Sherlock     10:04  
Strangulation in Chiswick. Interested?

_[Draft]     10:05_   
_Of course I am. But I shouldn’t be._

[Sent]     10:10  
Let me check with Mary and see what she’s got  
planned. Are you at the crime scene already?

Sherlock     10:12  
On my way. Just got in a cab.

[Sent]     10:14  
Better than a 7 then? Lol.

_[Draft]     10:15_   
_Tell me it’s better than a 7. You always said_   
_you’d never leave the house for anything less_   
_than a 7. I can’t turn down a 7._

Sherlock     10:15  
Could be. You know how the Met is though. In  
over their heads either way.

_[Draft]     10:17_   
_I_

_[Draft]     10:19_   
_Have you_

_[Draft]     10:24_   
_Tell me what you want, at least. Tell me what_   
_you’re asking for, for real. Just the cases? If it’s_   
_just the cases, I don’t know if I can do this. Give_   
_me a reason. Any reason. Give me a 7._

[Sent]     10:33  
Sorry. It’s not going to work out.

[Sent]     10:34  
Things are just pretty busy these days. I’ll look  
forward to hearing about it though.

\--------------------------------------------------

_[Draft]     16:44_   
_Busy tonight? Mary’s gone out with some_   
_friends, if you want to get dinner or something?_

_[Draft]     17:02_   
_Anything interesting happening? I’ve got a free_   
_night, if you want to do something. Check out a_   
_case, if you like, or we can just get some_   
_takeaway and watch a movie?_

_[Draft]     17:04_   
_No, you’re not like that, though. We’re not like_   
_that. That’s too casual, stupid._

_[Draft]     17:38_   
_Have you got a case on? I’ve got some free_   
_time, I’d love to join you_

_[Draft]     17:59_   
_What are you up to tonight?_

_[Draft]     18:15_   
_I want to spend time with you. I want to talk to_   
_you. I don’t know how to do that anymore. I_   
_feel like a fucking tit._

[Sent]     18:21  
Anything on? Any good murders aching to be  
recounted on a forgotten blog?

Sherlock     18:37  
Unfortunately no. The criminal classes have  
apparently decided to be as boring as possible  
this week.

[Sent]     18:38  
And how are the walls holding up then? Any  
fresh abuse to Mrs Hudson’s wallpaper?

Sherlock     18:38  
Nothing that would require an increase in our  
rent.

[Sent]     18:40  
Is that because you’ve mellowed, or because  
Mrs Hudson is just happy to have you back?

_[Draft]     18:41_   
_Fuck, I_

[Sent]     18:44  
Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. I’m  
sure things are fine over there.

Sherlock     18:45  
It’s fine, John.

Sherlock     18:45  
But for the record, I think she’s just happy to  
have someone to talk to about her feud with  
Mrs Turner.

[Sent]     18:47  
Oh, trouble on Baker Street then. I’m sure the  
gossip is riveting. It’s too bad there wasn’t  
anything on to save you.

Sherlock     18:47  
Well, if they keep it up much more, I may be  
asking you to investigate a murder much closer  
to home.

[Sent]     18:48  
It’d be a very short investigation. I’ll be sure to  
follow the clues exactly as you set them out so I  
come to the correct conclusion.

[Sent]     18:49  
Which would be self-defence, surely.

Sherlock     18:49  
I knew I could count on you.

_[Draft]     18:50_   
_Ask me over for dinner. Ask me if I’m hungry._   
_You asked me to all those cases, you put in so_   
_much already, just ask me, just give me a_   
_reason, any reason._

[Sent]     18:54  
I’ve got nothing going on this weekend. If  
something comes up, you know where to find  
me.

Sherlock     18:56  
I’ll let you know.

\--------------------------------------------------

Sherlock     15:16  
Locked room murder in Brixton. Join me?

[Sent]     15:21  
Wouldn’t miss it. Meet you there?

Sherlock     15:21  
Yes. Already on my way.


	94. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just after the events of [The Poison Giant.](http://johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/27may)

It was just like it used to be.

That’s not true, but it almost could’ve been, I think. Working with Sherlock was both horribly familiar and horribly different, but it almost cancelled each other out and ended up somewhere nice. 

At first it was just really awkward. I almost left in the middle, because I just felt like I was getting in his way, but then he’d drag me forward, like he had just remembered that I was there too and he was trying to get me involved, and then he’d get irritated with me all over again and push me away. I think I was more distracting than helpful, honestly.

But then there was a chase, and Sherlock got hold of a sword from somewhere and running around, chased by or chasing - couldn’t figure out which, half the time - a dwarf, and then running to this absolutely enormous bloke with hands the size of trash can lids, and it was, for lack of a better word,  _ funny _ . We couldn’t stop laughing. By the time it was all over I could barely stand up I was laughing so hard. 

It was a good case. It would be a good case for the blog, a really good one; it would be perfect to write up and use it as a first ‘coming back’ case. 

But what if this isn’t ‘coming back’ at all? This isn’t going to be a regular thing again, not the way it used to. I’ve got work, and Mary at home, and all that going on, and I don’t think I’ll be able to pop out and join Sherlock whenever he’s got something on, which makes me sick to my stomach, because what if he gets caught up in something and can’t get himself out? What if it’s like Moriarty all over again, and I’m not there? 

Then again, now that I think about it. What use ever was I? When ever did I protect him? Certainly not when it really mattered. 

Plus, if I write it up, and post it, then it’s bringing this blog back to the public, isn’t it? Opening it up again to all the nasty people. And I’ve relied so heavily on this blog, over the last few years, that posting something to the public now, again, almost feels like an invasion.

I’ll draft it, I think. Might not post it for a while, though. Maybe want to wait and see what it’s going to be like. Whether we’ll keep working together. What we’ll be like. Whether there’s anything left of what we were before. 


	95. John - Handwritten Note

Bill Murray  
     Saved my life once                      Lives in Scotland  
                                                       Haven’t seen him in a couple of years  
    Very good friends in the army  
    Still keep in touch via email         He’s never met Sherlock  
    once or twice a month                
                                                       He’s never met Mary, either  
                                                       Last time I saw him he was a bit more of a drinker  
                                                       than I am these days. Bit more of a partier. Harry  
                                                       and him would get on. 

Mike Stamford  
    Went to school together  
    Introduced me to Sherlock          He’s never met Mary  
    He kept in touch while  
    Sherlock was dead                     
    He has met Harry and knows      Friends but. He’s not my best friend.          Oh shove it,  
    what to expect from her             Nice but not very fun                                  your best friend          
                                                                                                                         would never, just  
                                                                                                                         forget it                               

Greg Lestrade  
                                                      Really more Sherlock’s friend than mine  
    He’s met Mary at least once        If he was going to be anyone’s best man, it’d have to be                   
                                                      Sherlock’s           

Sherlock Holmes  
                                                       Too ridiculous to even consider  
    Saved my life many times            Made me believe he killed himself in front of me  
    Has met Mary, seems to like her  
    Funny                                          Bit rude. Not very good at crowds.  
    My best friend  
                                                        ~~Thought I might have loved him once~~                                                        
    Very good at planning and  
    organizing things  
                                                         Bit unreliable with the cases and everything  
    Important                                      Probably will say no anyway  
     ~~The most important~~  
    The second most important    
    person in my life

It’s got to be, hasn’t it? I’ve got to at least ask him. 


	96. Sherlock - Handwritten List from Sherlock’s Notepad

**TO DO**

  * Speech (find a book with ideas about what’s expected for this kind of thing)
  * Prep and coordinate ushers
  * Arrange suit fittings
    * Select appropriate options for John to look at beforehand
    * Morning suit would be traditional - does John want traditional?
    * Waistcoat and tie in a warm colour to bring out John’s tan and his hair
  * Organize transport to and from the wedding venue
  * Collect telegrams
  * Ensure that chief bridesmaid knows how to dance
  * Plan stag night (just the two of us?)
  * Help Mary with planning to ensure John would approve of whatever she chooses. (and stop her from doing anything atrocious--have you seen some of the things she wears?)
    * Colours (she’s already considering some lurid shade of pink--talk her into something less revolting, maybe plum, wisteria, lilac, thistle, burgundy, old rose, oxblood, mountbatten)
    * Bridesmaid dresses    keep in mind that it will be summer
    * Ceremony and reception venues - Something outdoors or with a lot of windows? John ~~looks gorgeous in~~ likes natural light; he is 47% happier on sunny days than cloudy ones and 23% happier outdoors than in (provided that the weather is fair); if outdoors, need backup plan in case of rain?
    * Rings  
make sure she doesn’t pick something John would hate  
needs to be sturdy, functional - he does a lot with his hands  
no gemstones, inlay, channels, step-edge  
no patterns or anything ornate  
gold would look best against his skin  
nothing too wide - his hands are small and it would look out of proportion  
simple clean classic, something he would be proud to wear, that symbolizes his new life, but isn’t showy, maybe engraved on the inside with ~~my~~ HER initials hers hers HERS  
he’s marrying her  
He’s marrying her  
Mary Mary Mary Mary Mary  
He’s marrying her. Get it through your head. He loves her. He wants her. He’s chosen her.  
Not you  
There is no choice. Of course it's her. It was never going to be you. So just be happy that he’s let you back in his life at all. Be happy that he said you’re his best friend. Be happy that he loves you in any way at all. It’s enough. It has to be enough.  
Just be happy for him. He’s happy. This is what he wants, and he’s happy, and that’s all that matters.  
He’s happy.  
He deserves to be happy. This is his day. Make it the happiest it can be for him.  
Be useful.  
Make him happy.  
Be useful  
Be useful  
  

    * Flowers       no sunflowers (John’s allergic)
    * Guest list, invitations, seating arrangements
    * Catering and wine - John prefers crisp, dry whites




	97. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the events described later in [Happily Ever After](http://johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/03june) on John's blog.

At first, Sherlock wasn’t going to take the case. A bit of infidelity intrigue doesn’t usually interest him, probably because we see so many of them and they’re all the same, in the end. Something about that has never quite sat right with me, personally. Either you love each other, or you don’t. If you can’t trust your spouse, how can you love them? If you’d go so far as to hire a private detective, shouldn’t you just leave anyway?

Well, I know why people come to us, and it’s down to money. Whoever has their fingers in a different pot is going to lose out, ultimately. Seems petty. Maybe money has just never been that important to me.  

So at first, Sherlock wasn’t going to take the case, and we were about to show the client out when Mary showed up. Of course, I’d told her I was going to Sherlock’s after work for a bit to have dinner, talk about some cases I was going to write up and so on, but I didn’t expect her to just come round after she was done running errands. Our place is on the other side of London, after all. And Sherlock and I--our relationship is still tenuous. We’re still trying to figure out how to be friends, and before, a lot of that was in the cases. Running together, working it out together, doing something dangerous together. Having Mary along…was different.

I love Mary, I do. She’s great. And it’s great that she doesn’t get all fussed about doing something we shouldn’t be doing. But the cases. These are ours, mine and Sherlock’s. Mary and I have Sunday mornings and movie nights and all sorts of things, but Sherlock and I, we only have the cases these days. And he’s so used to being alone now, it seems like he has to put in so much effort to remember to include other people in what he’s doing, that I don’t want to force more on him that he really wants. Even I barely have any idea what he’s up to anymore. 

I don’t think it’s unusual for married couples to have their own friends, is all. I don’t think it’s unhealthy to want some space, something that’s separate. And maybe it is all a little strange, seeing as how things were before he left, and how I felt afterward, but I’m not one of our clients. And Mary doesn’t know about that. And, despite all his arrogance, neither does he.


	98. Sherlock - Text Thread with Mary Morstan

Mary     8:21  
I’m trying to finalise the guest list so we can   
send out the invitations and start to sort out the   
catering and the seating arrangements. Are you   
planning to bring a date?

[Sent]     8:22  
Are you?

Mary     8:22  
Very funny.

[Sent]     8:22  
Only as funny as your question was.

Mary     8:23  
I’m the one getting married, remember? I’ve   
got John. I don’t need a date. You on the other   
hand are more than available. It could be good   
for you.

_[Draft]     8:23_   
_A comment on me being alone? How delightfully_   
_droll._

[Sent]     8:24  
Is there one of those punctuation face things   
that indicates me scoffing and rolling my eyes?   
If so, do pretend that I sent that.

Mary     8:24  
Oh are you more the pulling a wedding guest   
sort then? I have a few cute single friends I   
could invite for you in that case. Pay you back   
for all this planning you’re helping with.

[Sent]     8:25  
I don’t need to be paid back for it. John asked   
me to be his best man. This is what’s expected,   
is it not?

Mary     8:26  
Most people just plan the stag do and let others   
worry about everything else.

[Sent]     8:26  
I’m not most people.

Mary     8:27  
Thank God for that. None of this planning would   
have gotten done if it were all left up to me.   
John certainly isn’t helpful.

_[Draft]     8:27_   
_Don’t_

Mary     8:27  
Speaking of John...

Mary     8:28  
I haven’t talked to him about this yet and I   
know you’ve already done so much for this   
wedding, but I wanted to ask you for one more   
teeny tiny favour.

Mary     8:28  
We need a song for our first dance.

[Sent]     8:28  
My knowledge of popular music isn’t all that   
comprehensive, but I’m sure I can find some   
suggestions.

Mary     8:29  
No I thought something more traditional would   
be nice. Something classical.

[Sent]     8:29  
I can send you some pieces that might work.   
Handel or Vivaldi or Saint-Saens would be quite   
traditional if that’s what you want, but maybe   
something a little more modern like Copland or   
Morricone would do.

Mary     8:30  
I’m sure that’s all fine, but I thought it should be   
something more personal.

[Sent]     8:30  
How so?

Mary     8:30  
I thought you could write something.

_[Draft]     8:30_   
_No._

_[Draft]     8:30_   
_I will help with whatever planning you want, but_   
_don’t ask that of me._

_[Draft]     8:33_   
_Wouldn’t you rather go with something_   
_everyone will recognize?_

_[Draft]     8:35_   
_I don’t know if I will have time to_

Mary     8:37  
Sherlock?

_[Draft]     8:38_   
_I can’t_

Mary     8:41  
John always goes on about how beautifully you   
play.

_[Draft]     8:41_   
_Does he?_

Mary     8:41  
And he said that you compose sometimes. I just   
thought it would be a nice surprise for him if   
you wrote something.

Mary     8:41  
But if you don’t want to do that for him, it’s   
fine. I’m sure we can just pick one of those   
songs that everyone else uses.

[Sent]     8:44  
Sorry, Lestrade called about a case. Not worth   
my time, but it kept me from responding   
immediately. Yes, fine, I’ll write something.

Mary     8:44  
Oh good. I have some requests then.

Mary     8:44  
I’d like it to be a waltz. Can you write it in 3/4   
time?

Mary     8:44  
And I don’t want anything that sounds too   
much like typical wedding music, but I do want   
it to be romantic, so just make sure it has lots of   
emotion. Maybe even think about what you   
would write if you were getting married.

Mary     8:45  
What am I saying? As if you were getting   
married? Lol sorry Sherlock. Forgot who I was   
talking to for a sec there. ;)

Mary     8:45  
I do want it to be romantic though and I know   
that’s not really your cup of tea, so if you need   
me to, I could come by and talk to you about   
love, what it’s like, how it feels, what it’s like to   
be in love with John, what he’s like when he’s in   
love, the way he makes me feel so important   
and different from everyone else, makes me   
feel special, like there’s no one else in the world   
he’d rather be with you know?

Mary     8:46  
Sorry didn’t mean to go on like that. We’re just   
so happy and in love that sometimes I can’t help   
myself. Anyway I’ve gotta run for now Sherlock,   
but do let me know if you need help with that!   
xx

_[Draft]     8:47_   
_I_

_[Draft]     9:14_   
_She makes John happy. Don’t question it. She_   
_makes him happy. This is what he wants. You’re_   
_happy for him.  Don’t argue with her. She’s not_   
_doing this on purpose. She doesn’t know. Just be_   
_happy for him. Be happy. Be happy. You can do_   
_this for him. For John for John for John for John_


	99. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

[Sent]     19:21  
I’d wager Mycroft deletes that post within the   
next twelve minutes.

John     19:22  
Twelve? You think he’s improving?

John     19:22  
I was hoping we might hit twenty.

[Sent]     19:23  
He has more people working for him than he   
used to. Won’t take them as long to notice it.   
They’ve probably all got your blog on text alert   
by now.

John     19:24  
How long did it take you to get the text alert?   
I’m looking at, what, a two minute head start   
before they go off? Not too bad.

[Sent]     19:24  
Only took about 90 seconds actually.

John     19:25  
Faster than expected. Wonder if there’s a way   
to delay that somehow.

John     19:26  
You working on anything? Case, or anything?

_[Draft]     19:27_   
_I’ve got plenty in my inbox, but I know you can’t_   
_go out again on a case already. Wouldn’t want_   
_to keep you away from Mary for too long._

[Sent]     19:27  
No case. Mostly just marvelling over this last   
one. Why on earth would anyone go through   
the trouble of sneaking an elephant into a   
house?

[Sent]     19:28  
I mean I know WHY obviously. I did solve it after   
all. But that’s a lot of work for little pay off.

John     19:30  
The blog post’s come down. No one will ever   
know the true answer to the question of life:   
which came first, the house or the elephant.

John     19:30  
That’s what, about eleven minutes? You were   
right. We’ll have to be cleverer in the future to   
get by him and his big nose.

_[Draft]     19:30_   
_Are you saying I’m clever?_

_[Draft]     19:30_   
_Do you know that’s the first time you’ve said_   
_something like that since before_

[Sent]     19:32  
I’m not sure that’s possible. I think he might   
actually have the biggest nose in all of England.

[Sent]     19:32  
Are you going to put up a new post about it?   
Wouldn’t want to leave this one out and   
disappoint your readers.

John     19:33  
Suppose I’ll put up something even Mycroft can   
approve of. All tease, no substance. It’s not as   
fun but I think it’ll be just enough to irritate him   
without him being able to do anything about it.

John     19:35  
Any plans coming up this weekend? Mary’s   
trying to get me to go with her to some bridal   
show and I’d love to get out of it.

_[Draft]     19:35_   
_I don’t understand._

_[Draft]     19:35_   
_Why would you want to get out of it? Isn’t this_   
_what you wan_

_[Draft]     19:37_   
_I don’t know that I offer a very good alternative._   
_I was just planning on staying in and working on_   
_your waltz._

[Sent]     19:37  
Not much. Need to finish composing the waltz.

John     19:40  
The waltz? for the wedding? Maybe I could   
come by and hear it, see how it sounds. If   
you’re free maybe Saturday night? I could grab   
some takeaway on my way over.

[Sent]     19:42  
Keep in mind that it’s still a little rough around   
the edges right now, but seeing as you’re the   
one who has to dance to it, I suppose you   
probably should give it a listen.

John     19:43  
Yeah. I don’t actually know how to dance a   
waltz, so maybe hearing it will help figure it out.   
I’ll have to look up how to do it.

_[Draft]     19:44_   
_I know how to waltz._

_[Draft]     19:44_   
_I could teach you._

_[Draft]     19:44_   
_If you need help, I could no no no no this is an_   
_awful idea I can’t dance with you it would be_   
_terrible your hands on my_

_[Draft]     19:46_   
_I’d like to help you, but I don’t know if that’s a_   
_good idea._

_[Draft]     19:47_   
_I could give you a few pointers if you want. Just_   
_tips. We don’t have to actually try it. But if I tell_   
_you I know how to dance you’re going to want_   
_me to actually show you, aren’t you? Maybe I_   
_can manage to_

[Sent]     19:49  
I could show you.

_[Draft]     19:50_   
_Nevermind. Pretend I didn’t_

John     19:50  
You know how to dance a waltz?

John     19:51  
I suppose I’m not actually surprised. Yeah, if you   
would show me the basics, that’d be great.   
Yeah.

_[Draft]     19:52_   
_Really? Are you sure? Because you don’t have to_   
_say yes if you don’t_

[Sent]     19:54  
It’s fairly straightforward, shouldn’t take you   
too long to pick it up. And after all, you’ll have   
an excellent teacher. I could even show you   
how to do a dip at the end.

John     19:56  
I will almost positively drop anyone I try to dip.   
But yeah, I should probably learn a bit. Saturday   
night then?

[Sent]     19:57  
Saturday night. Dinner and dancing.

_[Draft]     19:57_   
_And don’t worry. I trust you not to let me fall._


	100. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock     19:21  
I’d wager Mycroft deletes that post within the  
next twelve minutes. 

[Sent]     19:22  
Twelve? You think he’s improving? 

[Sent]     19:22  
I was hoping we might hit twenty. 

Sherlock     19:23  
He has more people working for him than he  
used to. Won’t take them as long to notice it.  
They’ve probably all got your blog on text alert  
by now. 

[Sent]     19:24  
How long did it take you to get the text alert?  
I’m looking at, what, a two minute head start  
before they go off? Not too bad. 

Sherlock     19:24  
Only took about 90 seconds actually.

[Sent]     19:25  
Faster than expected. Wonder if there’s a way  
to delay that somehow. 

[Sent]     19:26  
You working on anything? Case, or anything? 

_[Draft]     19:26_  
_Anything I could help with?_

 Sherlock     19:27  
No case. Mostly just marvelling over this last  
one. Why on earth would anyone go through  
the trouble of sneaking an elephant into a  
house? 

Sherlock     19:28  
I mean I know WHY obviously. I did solve it after  
all. But that’s a lot of work for little pay off. 

[Sent]     19:30  
The blog post’s come down. No one will ever  
know the true answer to the question of life:  
which came first, the house or the elephant. 

[Sent]     19:30  
That’s what, about eleven minutes? You were  
right. We’ll have to be cleverer in the future to  
get by him and his big nose. 

Sherlock     19:32  
I’m not sure that’s possible. I think he might  
actually have the biggest nose in all of England. 

Sherlock     19:32  
Are you going to put up a new post about it?  
Wouldn’t want to leave this one out and  
disappoint your readers.

[Sent]     19:33  
Suppose I’ll put up something even Mycroft can  
approve of. All tease, no substance. It’s not as  
fun but I think it’ll be just enough to irritate him  
without him being able to do anything about it.

_[Draft]     19:34_  
_You busy this weekend? I’ve not got anything on,_  
_thought we might_

[Sent]     19:35  
Any plans coming up this weekend? Mary’s  
trying to get me to go with her to some bridal  
show and I’d love to get out of it.

Sherlock     19:37  
Not much. Need to finish composing the waltz. 

[Sent]     19:40  
The waltz? for the wedding? Maybe I could  
come by and hear it, see how it sounds. If  
you’re free maybe Saturday night? I could grab  
some takeaway on my way over. 

Sherlock     19:42  
Keep in mind that it’s still a little rough around  
the edges right now, but seeing as you’re the  
one who has to dance to it, I suppose you  
probably should give it a listen.

_[Draft]     19:42_  
_If you wrote it, it’s_

[Sent]     19:43  
Yeah. I don’t actually know how to dance a  
waltz, so maybe hearing it will help figure it out.  
I’ll have to look up how to do it.

Sherlock     19:49  
I could show you.

[Sent]     19:50  
You know how to dance a waltz?

[Sent]     19:51  
I suppose I’m not actually surprised. Yeah, if you  
would show me the basics, that’d be great.  
Yeah.

_[Draft]     19:52_  
_You don’t have to,_

_[Draft]     19:52_  
_Actually,_

_[Draft]     19:53_  
_What was I thinking? No,_

Sherlock     19:54  
It’s fairly straightforward, shouldn’t take you  
too long to pick it up. And after all, you’ll have  
an excellent teacher. I could even show you  
how to do a dip at the end.

_[Draft]     19:55_  
_You’re not dipping me. I’m not dipping you. I’d_  
_drop you. Or_

[Sent]     19:56  
I will almost positively drop anyone I try to dip.  
But yeah, I should probably learn a bit. Saturday  
night then?

Sherlock     19:57  
Saturday night. Dinner and dancing. 

_[Draft]     19:58_  
_It’s a date._

_[Draft]     19:59_  
_It is not. It is not a date. It is absolutely not a_  
_date and it never would have been and it never_  
_will be._

_[Draft]     20:00_  
_That’s ridiculous, and it is not a date. You_  
_don’t date at all and I’m dating Mary. No, I’m_  
_marrying Mary, and it’s not a date._


	101. John - Text Thread with Molly Hooper

Molly Hooper     13:12  
Hi John, I hope things are going well for  
you and Mary! Wedding planning is so  
stressful sometimes, isn’t it?

[Sent]     13:17  
Yes it is, sometimes, yeah. I hope yours  
and Tom’s is going well. I’ve not seen  
Sherlock yet today, though, if you were  
looking for him.

Molly Hooper     13:21  
No, actually, it was Sherlock I wanted to  
talk to you about. He was here this  
morning talking about doing the best man  
thing. He seemed a bit. Well. Anxious,  
maybe?

[Sent]     13:25  
Yeah, I asked him a few months ago and  
he said he’d do it. He’ll be fine, though.

[Sent]     13:26  
I know he’s not big for crowds, but he  
doesn’t actually have to socialise with  
people. I’m not going to ask a lot of  
him, I know he’s busy.

Molly Hooper     13:30  
Well, it’s just that it’s your wedding,  
and it’s Sherlock.

Molly Hooper     13:31  
Just, are you sure it’s wise? To ask him?

 _[Draft]     13:33_  
_Why wouldn’t I ask him? He’s my best  
friend._

 _[Draft]     13:35  
_ _Who else would I have_

 _[Draft]     13:38  
_ _I don’t understand what_

[Sent]     13:40  
He’s not a walking disaster, Molly. I’m  
sure he’ll be fine. He would never do  
something to intentionally ruin it. I  
trust him, and I’m not sure what you’re  
getting at.

Molly Hooper     13:42  
No! I don’t mean to imply he would!  
It’s just, there’s going to be a speech,  
and you being you, and Sherlock  
being Sherlock, and some of the  
things he might say, I just wondered  
if he was really the best person.

 _[Draft]     13:44_  
_What difference does it make whether  
it’s me? He wouldn’t for just any_

 _[Draft]     13:45_  
_Why would it be hard for him to do a_  
_speech about just a friend? What do you_  
 _mean?_

[Sent]     13:47  
Look, he’s my best friend. Leave it,  
all right? It’s my choice, and even if he  
does stick his foot in it, so what?

[Sent]     13:48  
He’s my best friend, there’s no one else I’d  
rather have up there with me.

Molly Hooper     13:51  
I know, John. Just think about it. If you  
see him, tell him he left his magnifier  
here.

[Sent]     13:52  
I’ll let him know when I see him tonight.


	102. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

Stag night tonight. Mike called off days ago, going out of town with his wife. And Lestrade just rang, he’s being roped into some major drugs bust Dimmock’s leading. So it’s just us. Just me and Sherlock, out for my stag do. The two of us, out drinking.

Half the time I feel like I’m trying to decide what to do, and then I remember there’s nothing to do. There’s no choice to make and I’m just being an idiot about it. That choice was made months ago. Years ago, really. It isn’t like going out and getting drunks two weeks before my wedding is some kind of invitation. There’s nothing that’s up for change.

I feel like I’m losing something that I don’t want to lose, but I don’t really have it. This isn’t some kind of last chance, some kind of now-or-never. That’s not the way this works. That’s not the way we are. And I’ve got to stop thinking about what might happen if I tried. 


	103. Sherlock - Text Thread with Molly Hooper

[Sent]     12:11  
Need your opinion on something. It’s for a case.

Molly     12:13  
That’s a first. Don’t you normally ask John?

[Sent]     12:13  
He’s busy. Some last-minute wedding things.

Molly     12:13  
Oh yeah I guess he would be busy. It’s so soon!  
Are you doing okay? How was the stag do?

[Sent]     12:13  
Fine. Now can you help me with this case?

Molly     12:14  
Oh sure, what do you need?

[Sent]     12:14  
Two men, sitting in chairs across from one  
another, both intoxicated. Subject A supposedly  
loses his balance and rights himself by putting  
his hand on Subject B’s leg. Is this an attempt at  
‘making a move’ on Subject B?

Molly     12:15  
This is for a case?

[Sent]     12:15  
Obviously.

Molly     12:15  
It’s just that that isn’t really a crime.

[Sent]     12:15  
This is about the motive, not the crime itself.  
Just answer the question.

Molly     12:16  
Can’t you just ask the two people involved?

[Sent]     12:16  
No. Subject A is unavailable, and Subject B isn’t  
impartial enough to see the situation clearly.

Molly     12:17  
Ok well where did Subject A touch B’s leg?

[Sent]     12:17  
Palm covering the knee, thumb touching the  
inside of the knee, fingers splayed up the thigh.

Molly     12:17  
Hm. Did A’s fingers move or just stay there?  
How long was the hand on B’s knee?

[Sent]     12:17  
Fingers dug in a little as A righted himself but  
there was no stroking or caressing or anything  
of that sort. The hand was removed after  
approximately 2.3 seconds.

Molly     12:18  
2.3 seconds is a little long for just catching  
yourself from falling, but that doesn’t eliminate  
either possibility. It could have been that long  
because it was intended as a sexual advance, or  
it could have been accidental and the subject’s  
intoxication slowed his reflexes.

Molly     12:18  
Any other evidence?

Molly     12:18  
Did A say anything? Give B a particular look?

[Sent]     12:19  
After removing his hand, A shrugged and stated,  
‘I don’t mind.’

Molly     12:20  
Oh that changes things! That sounds more like  
the knee grab was intentional, or if not  
intentional, at least a welcome opportunity.

[Sent]     12:20  
But why would A do that?

Molly     12:21  
Well, is he gay?

[Sent]     12:21  
Not gay, no, though I have reason to believe  
that he may not be heterosexual either. He is,  
however, currently in a committed, long-term  
relationship with a woman.

Molly     12:22  
That doesn’t mean he might not try something  
with someone else. People cheat all the time.

_[Draft]     12:22  
John’s not like that. He wouldn’t. Would he? _

[Sent]     12:23  
Subject A has strong moral principles. He  
doesn’t seem the type to cheat.

Molly     12:23  
Maybe he’s secretly in love with B. People do all  
kinds of stupid things for love, things they might  
not otherwise do.

_[Draft]     12:23  
He’s not. _

_[Draft]     12:25  
That’s not possible is it _

_[Draft]     12:29  
He can’t be. He chose her. _

[Sent]     12:32  
Unlikely. If Subject A ever had any feelings for  
Subject B, which I seriously doubt, he rejected  
them when he chose his current partner  
instead.

Molly     12:35  
Are you sure? Sometimes people lie or pretend  
not to be interested when they really are.

[Sent]     12:35  
Believe me. Subject A isn’t in love with Subject  
B. It’s not possible.

Molly     12:36  
Ok. Don’t take this the wrong way, Sherlock, but  
are you SURE? If you’re so certain that A isn’t  
interested in B, then why are you questioning  
the motive of the knee grab?

Molly     12:36  
If A isn’t interested in B at all, then the touch  
was an accident.

Molly     12:36  
There’s only a question of motive if A actually is  
interested, right?

_[Draft]     12:37_  
_No, that can’t be right. He chose her. Why_  
_would he_

_[Draft]     12:41_  
_He chose her._

_[Draft]     12:48_  
_He’s not interested._

[Sent]     12:53  
You’re right. There’s no reason to question his  
motive. The touch was clearly accidental.

Molly     12:56  
Oh okay. If you’re certain.

[Sent]      12:56  
Yes. Thank you for your input.

Molly     12:57  
Any time! :-)


	104. Sherlock - Pages Torn from a Book, with Handwritten Responses

 

##### HOW TO WRITE AN UNFORGETTABLE BEST MAN SPEECH

| 

##### 19  
  
---|---  
  
##  Preliminary Brainstorming

_Respond to the questions to get you started thinking about what to say in your speech._  
  
  
**What does it mean to you to be asked to be best man?**

When John first broached the topic of best man, I didn’t realise he was actually asking me. I thought he was asking for my advice on others he could choose. Understandable really, as I am certainly no one’s first choice for help planning a wedding, nor as a best friend really. But I should have known better somehow. Though John has always tried to present himself as ordinary, he is anything but, and so of course I should have realised he would inexplicably consider me a qualified candidate for either role. I know that I am often rude, obnoxious, and beyond unpleasant, and after everything, ~~we’ve been through~~ I’ve put him through, I can’t say that I know why he’s friends with me at all. I am grateful, of course, that he’s allowed me back into his life again, but I fear I have done little to deserve his friendship, and I am certainly not worthy of being his best friend. I only ever seem to cause him pain and get him into trouble--more of either than I’m worth. I’m sure someday soon he’ll come to his senses. ~~Maybe he already has; he is getting married after all.~~  
  
When I finally understood what he was asking, I was both flattered and surprised, though John also seemed somewhat surprised that I accepted. I think he was afraid I’d refuse, but that was obviously unfounded. There is nothing he could ask of me that I would deny him. Even this, which I feel is the most difficult task I’ve ever undertaken. I wanted to say then how much it means that he asked this of me, to thank him for trusting me with such a monumental task, to tell him that I will do my very best for him, but I was too stunned by his request to say much of anything at all. I don’t know why he’s chosen to trust me with this, or with any other aspect of his life for that matter, but I hope that I can fulfill his expectations and somehow, in some small way, enable him to experience the joy that he so rightly deserves.  
  
  


* * *

##### HOW TO WRITE AN UNFORGETTABLE BEST MAN SPEECH

| 

##### 20  
  
---|---  
  
  
**How did you meet the groom? How long have you known each other?**

We met four and a half years ago when I was looking for a flatmate. It had been difficult because no one wants to put up with my lifestyle or idiosyncrasies for very long. But John did, for some reason. I still don’t know why. Then I asked him to come along on a case, and that was that--the start of our many adventures. It wasn’t sentiment that led me to initially invite him to help on the case but rather because he seemed like he needed a challenge and because he has many fine qualities of which I thought he needed to be reminded--qualities that he’s often failed to note in all of his recollections of our time together. He’s a doctor, which is always helpful in ~~our~~ ~~my~~ ~~our~~ my line of work. He’s calm and steady and brave in the face of danger. He throws an excellent left hook. He’s kind to clients in a way I’ve never even tried to manage. He’s honest and loyal and warm and intelligent. He’s good in so many ways I fear he’ll never know because he overlooks them in himself and so few others bother to remind him. ~~Does she remind him? She must. Yet another way she’s better for him than I could ever be.~~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
 

* * *

##### HOW TO WRITE AN UNFORGETTABLE BEST MAN SPEECH

| 

##### 21  
  
---|---  
  
  
**What are some anecdotes/funny stories you could tell about the groom? (Keep it clean!)**

\- Every time he’s ever talked back to Mycroft  
\- That first night at 221B after we chased the taxi and John forgot his cane at Angelo’s, before Lestrade went and ruined it with his pretend drugs bust       not terribly funny--just a very happy moment, ~~the moment I knew~~  
\- The time that we watched those awful space movies till dawn and he laughed so hard at one point that tea came out of his nose  
\- His stag do? (That’s the kind of thing people want to hear about, isn’t it?)  
\- Our trip to Buckingham Palace, though that was maybe more funny on my part than his  
\- Dressing up as ninjas  
\- The matchbox case (Can I talk about this without Mycroft sending his agents to descend on the wedding? could make for a bit of fun and excitement, though John might kill me--he’s already said he doesn’t want MI5 showing up)  
  
  
  
Are any of these appropriate? Are any of these funny to other people?  
  
Ask Lestrade for ideas

  
  
  
  
  
 

* * *

##### HOW TO WRITE AN UNFORGETTABLE BEST MAN SPEECH

| 

##### 22  
  
---|---  
  
  
**What is the groom like as a friend and as a person?**

John is  
  
Where do I even begin?  
  
John is of average height and average build. He wears modest jumpers and somehow survives with owning only three pairs of shoes. His eyes are blue, almost so deep and dark as to appear brown or dark grey sometimes, but when they catch in the right light, the blue shines rich and clear and true. His hair, when each strand is examined individually, is like sand, each bit a different color from the next, but together they’re an indescribable shade of silver-gold-oat-flax-hazelwood. He appears to so many as being utterly ordinary, an image I have come to believe that he has carefully cultivated, but there is so much that is remarkable hidden underneath the unassuming surface. He is an excellent marksman. (probably shouldn’t say that during the speech, should I?) He has strong morals and isn’t afraid to say when I’ve done something upsetting, to him or others. I try not to disappoint him, but I fail him far more often than should be allowed. He is more forgiving than I deserve. And he is a far better man than anyone else I have ever met, somehow managing to look past my innumerable faults over and over again. He has saved my life more times and in more ways than I can count. He is the more courageous, more resilient, more capable of the pair of us in nearly every way. He understands humanity in a way I’ve never mastered, and I believe I am a better man simply by virtue of his presence in my life. He has somehow been a good influence on me, though I fear that I am quite a poor one on him. I am rather a ridiculous man, I know, and John’s friendship is my only redemption. He has somehow convinced the world to see me as something much better than I am. He is everything good in my life. He is everything good. He is everything

  
  
  


* * *

##### HOW TO WRITE AN UNFORGETTABLE BEST MAN SPEECH

| 

##### 23  
  
---|---  
  
  
**What are some things you would like to say to the bride? What are your wishes for their future together?**

He has suffered so much--much of it at my hands, I regret--but no one deserves happiness more. Take care of him ~~in all the ways I never could~~. Spend your life proving to him that he deserves to be loved, that there are people in this world who will not let him down.  
  
His heart is yours; be worthy of it.  
                                                      Please.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	105. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

_[Draft]     15:54_  
_Hey, I know our last dancing lesson is_  
_supposed to be tonight, but I’m not sure  
that_

_[Draft]     15:56  
I’m not sure that I want to come. _

_[Draft]     15:57  
I don’t want this to end. _

_[Draft]     16:04_  
_I can’t remember everything that_  
_happened on the night of my stag do. But_  
_I think I touched you. I think I made a_  
_suggestion, or maybe just a blanket_  
_invitation. I wonder if you remember it.  
If you do, you haven’t said anything. _

_[Draft]     16:05_  
_Even after all these dance lessons.  
After all this. I don’t know. Closeness._

_[Draft]     16:15_  
_I don’t understand. How haven’t you said_  
_anything? Why? You have to have_  
_noticed that every time I take your hand,_  
_my palms are sweaty. That my pulse is  
too fast. _

_[Draft]     16:16_  
_That I can barely stand to hold  
you for more than a minute or two. _

_[Draft]     16:17_  
_You must notice. You must know. And_  
_you still haven’t said anything. I don’t_  
_know how to offer any more than this,_  
_because you’re so steady and even,_  
_and it seems like if I said anything, if I_  
_asked you to give me a reason to stay,_  
_you would just...stare. Or laugh. Or rip  
me to shreds._

_[Draft]     16:21_  
_I think I’m doing the right thing, for both_  
_of us. I love Mary, and I think she and I_  
_can have a future together, and you won’t_  
_have to worry about all this coming between._  
_I don’t want it to, I don’t want to drive_  
_you away with this. And Mary I think will_  
_help even things out. It will just go back  
to how it used to be._

_[Draft]     16:28_  
_Just let me have this one last night,_  
_Sherlock. Let me pretend for a minute_  
_that this is us, and this is ours. Dancing_  
_together in 221B. And then I’ll give it up,  
for good. _

_[Draft]     16:33  
I love you, Sherlock. I love you. _

_[Draft]     16:35  
Just let me finish this goodbye. _


	106. Sherlock - Unaddressed Email Saved to Drafts

I had thought that planning your wedding would be the hardest thing I’d ever do. Apparently I was wrong. Letting you go at the end of your lesson tonight--your last lesson--was harder than anything I have done to help plan this wedding, harder than anything I went through while I was away. Holding you that close for the last time, I just

I know that it was just a fantasy, that it was never going to be real, and perhaps I allowed myself to indulge in it more than I should have. But with you so close, my hand in yours, the other on my waist with the perfect amount of guiding pressure, your eyes on mine (I’m glad you’ve finally learned to keep your chin up by the way), it was easy to forget for a while. Easy to pretend that that soft look on your face was actually for me. Forgive me for wanting to hold on to that.

But this is it. This is the most I’ll ever have of you. Four fleeting nights in my arms here in what I will always consider  our home. But I had to let you go. Back to Mary. Back to the life that you’ve chosen. We’ll still have cases and takeaway and making fun of Mycroft, but we’ll never have dancing. That’s never going to be who we are. Your dances are for someone else. Someone better. Someone who will make you happy. And that’s everything I could possibly want for you.


	107. John - Text Thread with Harry Watson

[Sent]     11:14  
Wedding’s in three days and I still  
haven’t gotten your RVSP. I signed  
you up for the vegetarian plate anyway,  
you know. I’d like to see you there.

[Sent]     11:15  
This is really important to me.

[Sent]     11:17  
It’s an open bar.

Harry     11:20  
It’s pretty disgusting that you would tempt  
me with free alcohol to get me to come to  
your sham wedding.

[Sent]     11:22  
Look, I know you and Mary don’t get on  
well, but can you not put that aside for  
one day? She’s going to be in my life forever  
now. I don’t know what it is you have  
against her.

Harry     11:24  
Aside from the fact that she manages  
to be condescending with every square  
inch of her face when she so much as  
breathes?

Harry     11:26  
She’s not him.

 _[Draft] 11:28_  
_Don't you think I kn_

Harry     11:28  
And frankly I’m three weeks sober  
and I haven’t got the stomach to watch  
you marry her in his stead.

[Sent]     11:31  
Stop it now, stop this. Mary is great. She’s  
funny, kind, smart, so could you please  
stop bringing up some stupid thing from  
years ago as an excuse to dislike my wife?  
Give her a chance.

[Sent]     11:32  
There was never anything between  
Sherlock and I so let it go, okay?  
Let it fucking go.

[Sent]     11:40  
I’d still appreciate it if you could put  
this aside and be there for me, for once.

Harry     11:43  
I didn’t watch you mourn him for  
three years to watch you deny him  
now. Get married to whoever you like.  
I won’t be there to watch you fuck it  
up.

[Sent]     11:45  
Let it go, Harry. I have. Hope to see you on  
Saturday.


	108. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The morning of John and Mary's wedding.

_ [Draft]     5:49   
John _


	109. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The morning of John and Mary’s wedding.

_ [Draft]     6:17  
Sherlock, I _


	110. Sherlock - Handwritten Message in a Greeting Card

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still in Sherlock’s coat pocket when he left the wedding.

Mary and John,

 

I would like to offer you my sincerest congratulations on your marriage. I am as pleased as I can possibly be for the both of you, that you have found companionship in one another. May your happiness last a lifetime.

Mary, you have helped to facilitate the continuation of my and John’s friendship, and for that I am unspeakably grateful. I must admit that I had initially thought that his engagement might mark the end of his friendship with me, but I am surprised to instead find myself not with one less friend but perhaps one more. While there is still much you and I don’t know about each other, at the very least I know that you have good taste--you’ve made an excellent choice of husband after all. Take care of him, and may he make you just as happy as you deserve.

John, I know that it may not always seem like it, considering some of the things that I have put you through in the rather short time that we have known each other, but your well-being is important to me, and so I am truly happy that you have found someone who brings you such joy. May she be a far better wife to you than I have been a friend, as there is no one who deserves real love and happiness more than you. It has been my honour and privilege to share in your adventures for the past four and a half years, and I look forward to keeping up with your blog to read all about your next great adventure.

 

With all my love,

  
Sherlock Holmes


	111. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The night of John and Mary's wedding.

[Sent]     23:44  
Hey where are you? Been looking for you  
for ages

[Sent]     23:46  
Did you get a cab and go home? I’m  
knocking on your door but it doesn’t  
sound like anyone’s in there. 214, right?

[Sent]     23:48  
Thanks for the waltz. And the speech.  
And Major Sholto’s life. Wish you’d have  
stayed but I know this isn’t your thing.

[Sent]     23:49  
We’re leaving tomorrow afternoon but  
text me in the AM, ok? Let me know  
you made it home all right.

 _[Draft]     23:56_  
_I wish you’d have stayed though._

 _[Draft]    00:38_  
_What did you mean when you said_

 _[Draft]     00:39_  
_Are you all right? You’re probably asleep by_  
_now but I wish you’d have said goodbye at_  
_least. You massive tosser._


	112. Sherlock - Handwritten Note from Sherlock's Notepad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The night of John and Mary's wedding.

morphine

tripelennamine

fluoxetine

  
  
  


gone   
 gonegnegonegoneonegonegoneegongone   
                whydoeseveryone   
        ??     why                    ~~ love  ~~ leave

whyd it take so lon g to seeeeeeee the light   
                                       seemso riight   
          soooo   
          right   
   johnjohnjoohnjohnjohn love John johnjohnJohns so right   
  
no   
                            gone noww   
            baby   
 maryandbabyandmary

doesnt neeedme now   
                                                        nnever did

  
                     no one needsme


	113. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The night of John and Mary's wedding.

_[Draft]     2:42_  
_Why didn’t you ever_

 _[Draft]     2:45_  
_I know why you didn’t. Because you knew_  
_and you didn’t want it, did you. The great_  
_Sherlock Holmes, you have to rise above it_  
_all, don’t you. And now I’m married. You_  
_waited until I was fucking married. Why_  
_did you tell me at all, if you didn’t want_  
_anything to do with it? Are we supposed to_  
_get together like mates down the pub and_  
_commiserate over how we loved each other_  
_but ah, better as just friends? You fucking_  
_knew, and I didn’t, and you made that_  
_decision without me. for me. for us. Well_  
_that’s what you’re good at, isn’t it._

 _[Draft]     2:56_  
_I’d have done anything._

 _[Draft]     2:57_  
_I didn’t even realise I was making a_  
_choice and now_


	114. John - Email Thread with Major James Sholto

**_Sent to jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 12 Aug, 10:15_ **

Major, I hardly know where to begin. We can’t apologise enough for what happened at the wedding. Sherlock had done background checks on all the staff, all the contractors, down to the waiters--he gets a fair number of death threats himself--but when the photographer (who passed muster without any red flags!) sent a replacement, I suppose it just got lost in the details. There’s no excuse.

It was good to see you though. I wish we’d had more time to really sit and catch up, there’s so much I wanted to tell you, so much I wanted to ask you about, since you stopped answering my emails before. I hope you’ll answer this one, at least to let me know how you’re recovering.

We’ll be back in London by the middle of next week. I would love the chance to come out and visit you, wherever you are living these days, and make up the time we missed. I know you’re not big on visitors, but I hope you’ll make one more exception for a very old friend.

John

 

**_Received from jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 12 Aug, 17:44_ **

I appreciate your concern, John, but don’t trouble yourself on your honeymoon. I am well-cared for and expected to make a full recovery within weeks. I knew the risks and accepted them. It was worth coming out for the opportunity to meet Mary, who is perhaps the luckiest person I have ever known, as well as Sherlock Holmes, who it seems is the unluckiest. I wish you all the happiness with the person that has won your love.

At this time it is probably unwise that I take visitors.

James

 

**_Sent to jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 13 Aug, 9:15_ **

Yeah, Mary is great. She is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I love her. I’m glad you could meet her. She doesn’t coddle me, she doesn’t treat me like glass, she just lets me work through things on my own. I met her about a year after Sherlock died and she was there for me when I was still working through Sherlock faking his own death and dying right in front of me and then he came back and didn’t say a fucking thing for a year until after I’d got married, when suddenly he decided he apparently wanted to let me know that--that. He never so much as blinked twice in my direction before the moment it didn’t matter anymore, so I think he’s made himself clear and it apparently doesn’t matter how I feel about it either way.

I want to see you anyway. I have a contact, in the government, who could assure that my coming wouldn’t endanger you further in any way. And whatever risks there are to me, I understand them, I accept them.

 

**_Sent to jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 13 Aug, 10:52_ **

James, I’m so sorry for my last e-mail. I allowed my frustration to get the better of me. I just feel like I’ve been biting my tongue about it forever, and everything always ends up half-said in drafts I can’t bring myself to send while I’m trying to sort out what everyone wants, what they expect, trying to fit into it, and it just got away from me. Please disregard it. I would still love a chance to see you and I have a government contact who could make sure it was safe for us both.

John

 

**_Received from jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 13 Aug, 16:23_ **

It’s no trouble John. Your thoughts, your feelings, have always been held in deepest confidence, though admittedly I had suspected and I shouldn’t have made that comment. I suppose I saw myself in Sherlock for a moment and, like you, lost track. You know I have trusted your judgment without reservation before and Mary is wonderful, and I don’t doubt that you can build a wonderful life together.

James

 

**_Sent to jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 14 Aug, 10:04_ **

I still want to come and visit. It would be absolutely safe, and I think we have a lot to talk about. Please let me know when I can come out and I’ll make all the arrangements. John.

 

**_Sent to jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 16 Aug, 9:29_ **

James, honestly. Let me come and see you.

 

**_Sent to jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 17 Aug, 7:12_ **

There’s still so much we haven’t been able to talk about and I know that part of our life is over, but I think there are things we should talk about. I think we should still get to it. I think it’s still worth talking about. And I could really use some advice, I think.

 

**_Received from jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 17 Aug, 10:36_ **

Have your contact get in touch. We’ll set something up. Not for another couple of weeks, I’m afraid, I’m not very good company right now.


	115. Sherlock - Email Thread with Lestrade

**_Received from lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Aug 12, 11:29_ **

I’ve got a couple cases I was hoping you could take a look at. Not new ones. Old cases. Things we haven’t been able to pin down yet. Thought you might want to have a go at them. I’ve attached the little bit I can send you like this. If you’re interested, I’ll send someone round with boxes with the rest of it.

 

**_Sent to lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Aug 12, 11:36_ **

Why?

Sherlock Holmes

 

**_Received from lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Aug 12, 11:38_ **

I figured you might be bored and could use a distraction. Most people would say thank you, though Christ knows I’d never expect that to come out of your mouth.

 

_Draft to lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Aug 12, 14:07_

Why would you assume that I’m bored? Just because your life is uninteresting, Detective Inspector, that doesn’t mean that mine is as well. I have things to do. I have my own cases, my own clients. Why would I be bored? Just because John is gone on his ridiculous sex holiday? I know how to handle myself without John around. I’ve had plenty of practice. You didn’t seem to be so concerned with how bored I was before I met John, so why should you be concerned now? Yes, John is away. No, that doesn’t mean I am unable to function on my own.  It’s not as if my entire world revolves around him.

 

**_Sent to lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Aug 12, 14:16_ **

Oh, this is Mycroft, isn’t it? He put you up to this because he thinks I need you to come check up on me. Well, you can tell him I’m fine, and I don’t need anything from either of you.

Sherlock Holmes

 

**_Received from lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Aug 12, 15:08_ **

No, this didn’t come from your bloody brother. I was trying to be a good friend, but clearly that was a mistake.

 

Do you want the cases or not?

 

**_Sent to lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Aug 12, 15:41_ **

Fine.

Don’t send Donovan.

Sherlock Holmes


	116. Sherlock - Text Thread with Janine Hawkins

[Sent]     18:37  
Janine, this is Sherlock Holmes.

Janine     18:39  
Well this is unexpected. To what do I owe the   
pleasure, Mr. Holmes?

[Sent]     18:41  
How did the comics geek work out for you?

Janine     18:43  
We spent the night together, and I haven’t   
called him since. Are you seriously texting me to   
find out if I got a leg over? Doesn’t seem like   
your kind of thing.

_[Draft]     18:44  
Actually I wanted _

_[Draft]     18:44  
I was wondering if _

[Sent]     18:45  
Would you like to have dinner with me?

Janine     18:51  
Dinner? I got the impression that that REALLY   
wasn’t your kind of thing.

Janine     18:51  
Why?

_[Draft]     18:52_   
_Bored. I miss John. Need to see what info I can_   
_find out about your boss. Take your pick._

[Sent]     18:53  
I like company when I’m working on a case, and   
yours seems to be less insufferable than most.

Janine     18:54  
Less insufferable? You really know the way to a   
girl’s heart, don’t you, Sherl?

Janine     18:54  
So this dinner, is it just dinner or is it DINNER?

[Sent]     18:55  
Sorry?

Janine     18:57  
Sherlock, is this a date?

[Sent]     18:57  
If that’s what you’d like to call it.

Janine     19:00  
And what’s the real reason you’re asking me   
out? What’s in it for you?

[Sent]     19:01  
I already told you, and I hate repeating myself.

Janine     19:01  
And this doesn’t have anything to do with John?

[Sent]     19:02  
Why would my dating you have anything at all   
to do with John?

Janine     19:05  
No reason at all. ;) See you Friday then? You can   
pick me up at 8.


	117. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

[Sent]     17:31  
Now that you’ve returned to London, if you’re   
not too busy, I could use your expertise on a   
cold case Lestrade wanted me to go over.   
Would you have time to take a look at it?

John     17:32  
Hi Sherlock it’s Mary. How nice to see you’re   
keeping yourself busy. John’s having a bath   
right now. I was thinking about joining him. :) I’ll   
let him know you texted. xx

\--------------------------------------------------

_[Draft]     18:12_   
_Mrs Hudson keeps baking me things and talking_   
_about how quiet it is now that you aren’t here_   
_often. As if I need reminding. Rescue me from_ _  
this. Please._

[Sent]     18:14  
Mrs Hudson has made scones. Again. Third time   
this week. She is insisting that I tell you to come   
round and have some. I think she misses you.

John     18:15  
John’s cooking lasagne for our date night. I’m   
sure you know how much work his lasagne is,   
and I don’t want to interrupt him. I’ll be sure to   
tell him about Mrs Hudson though. xx

\--------------------------------------------------

_[Draft]     10:47_   
_Weren’t you the one who insisted that nothing_  
 _would change?_

_[Draft]     10:48_ _  
_ _I knew this is what it would be like, but you said_

_[Draft]     10:48_   
_Is this it? Are we not even friends now? Why am_ _  
I even trying anymore?_

_[Draft]     10:50_ _  
_ _You promised._

[Sent]     10:55  
Busy tonight?

John     10:56  
Hi Sherlock! John’s having a bit of a lie in. I think   
I wore him out last night lol. We’ve got plans for   
this evening, but maybe you two could get together   
tomorrow. Do you have a case on?

_[Draft]     10:57_   
_Why do you always answer for him now? Is he_ _  
avoiding me?_

_[Draft]     10:59_   
_Yes, there’s a case. I think it could be big enough_   
_and dangerous enough to get him to come_  
 _along this time._

[Sent]     10:59  
Yes, a client has just offered me what I think will   
be a rather large case, and I thought perhaps   
John might be interested in assisting me.

John     11:01  
I’ll tell him for you. It would be good for him to   
see you. I think married life is suiting him a little   
too well, he’s already gained about 7 pounds.   
Could probably use a bit of running around   
London or whatever silly things you two get up   
to to keep him in shape. I’ll try to get him to   
text you tomorrow! xx


	118. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

_[Draft]     19:37_   
_Back in London. Too much sun is_   
_apparently a real thing. What have you  
been up to?_

_[Draft]     19:42_  
_Probably shouldn’t try to discuss my  
sex holiday with you, should I._

_[Draft]     19:43  
Probably couldn’t call it that though. _

_\--------------------------------------------------_

_[Draft]     11:24_   
_I’ve got the rest of the afternoon off,  
are you busy? I could stop by?_

_[Draft]     11:26  
Any cases on? _

_[Draft]     11:28  
I want to see _

_\--------------------------------------------------_

_[Draft]     15:03_   
_What are you_

_\--------------------------------------------------_

_[Draft]     22:39_   
_God this is worse than when you were_   
_dead._

_\--------------------------------------------------_

_[Draft]     9:56_   
_This is pathetic. I keep scrolling back_   
_through all our texts trying to find_   
_something to say to you._

_[Draft]     9:58_   
_But you haven’t said a thing. In almost a_   
_month._

_[Draft]     10:14  
_ _Fuck. Okay. I can take a hint._


	119. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes

[Sent]     9:12  
Redbeard. 

[Sent]     9:16  
Stop calling, I can’t answer right now. He’s   
fine but I’m going to kill him.

Mycroft     9:17  
Location?

[Sent]     9:18  
Barts, now. Having a test done.

Mycroft     9:20  
Positive, no doubt. Will have Baker Street  
cleared. 

[Sent]     9:22  
We’ll meet you there.

Mycroft     9:25  
You have to stay with him, John.

[Sent]     9:26  
Won’t let him out of my fucking sight.  
Better than you could do apparently.

Mycroft     9:27  
Seeing as how you’ve just found him on  
drugs for the first time in years, it’s safe  
to say he’s already been out of your sight.

[Sent]     9:29  
I know. I fucking know. 

Mycroft     9:29  
You cannot let him avoid you. He will  
need you.

[Sent]     9:32  
I can’t. You know I can’t. I’m married now,  
in case you’d forgotten.

Mycroft     9:31  
I hadn’t, but perhaps consider why you think  
your marriage should prevent your friendship  
with Sherlock. 

_ [Draft]     9:33  
_ _ Don’t fucking _

_ [Draft]     9:35  
_ _ It doesn’t _

[Sent]     9:46  
It was positive. We’re getting a cab.


	120. Sherlock - Text Thread with Mycroft

Mycroft     14:02  
What are you doing?

Mycroft     14:06  
Sherlock, what are you up to?

Mycroft     14:09  
Why have you purchased a £13000 engagement   
ring? Are you still high?

Mycroft     14:10  
Or has your dear doctor had a sudden change of   
heart?

[Sent]     14:10  
Piss off.

Mycroft     14:11  
Charming as ever, brother mine. But I will not,   
as you say, piss off. Tell me why you need the   
ring.

[Sent]     14:11  
It’s no concern of yours.

Mycroft     14:12  
I rather think that when you made the obviously   
questionable choice to end your sobriety, you   
made all of your decisions my concern. Why did   
you buy the ring?

_[Draft]     14:12_   
_Oh please don’t act as if you care at all about_   
_my sobriety beyond how it might affect your_   
_precious position. Wouldn’t do to tarnish that_   
_pristine reputation of yours, now would it? You_   
_just don’t want your pathetic, broken little_   
_brother to find his way into the papers._

_[Draft]     14:15_   
_It was one time. Ok, twice if you count the night_   
_of John’s wedding, but that was_

[Sent]     14:15  
That was for a case, as is this. Do stop worrying,   
Mycroft. You’ve been enough of an overbearing   
arse for one day. Go start a war somewhere,   
and leave me alone.

Mycroft     14:16  
What case? This isn’t part of the Magnussen   
business, is it? Because I told you to leave that   
alone.

[Sent]     14:16  
Yes, I recall. I do have the ability to remember   
things that were said only this morning.

Mycroft     14:17  
That wasn’t an answer.

[Sent]     14:17  
Relax. I’m not proposing to Magnussen.

Mycroft     14:17  
Obviously. To whom are you proposing?

[Sent]     14:18  
There is absolutely zero chance that I’m giving   
you a name, Mycroft. But rest assured that   
you’ve got no reason to worry you’ll have a   
wedding to slim down for, as this one’s not   
really my area. As I said, it’s for a case. Nothing   
more.

Mycroft     14:21  
Is Dr Watson accompanying you on this case?

[Sent]     14:22  
Yes, but don’t try to get him to give you a name   
either. He doesn’t know.

Mycroft     14:23  
I see.

[Sent]     14:23  
You see what?

[Sent]     14:26  
Just spit out whatever it is you have to say so   
we can put an end to this tedious conversation.

Mycroft     14:28  
Do you really think this is the best way to try to   
prove to him that you’re moving on?

_[Draft]     14:29_   
_I’m not trying to prove anything._

_[Draft]     14:29_   
_What does it matter anyway? He made his_   
_choice long ago._

Mycroft     14:34  
Just don’t do something careless. Consider that   
your actions may break more than one heart,   
brother dear.

_[Draft]     14:34_   
_Why would_

_[Draft]     14:37_   
_John doesn’t love me. Not like that. Not_   
_anymore._

[Sent]     14:38  
It’s just a case.


	121. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts - via Mobile

Don't die. Don't you dare die. Please please don't die. Don't make me do this again. I can't keep losing you. I feel like I'm losing you all the time like smoke, why won't you stay? Why is it so hard for you to stay here with me and live? Tell me what you need tell me how to give you whatever it is that you're looking for so much that you can't stop dying for it. I need to tell you everything. Please don't die I have so much to say. I love you more than anything or anyone I have ever tried to love. Please will you let me do that. Just keep breathing. One more miracle Sherlock. Wake up one more time and let me try one more time to get it right. Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up. Keep breathing, keep beating. One more time and then one more after that and one more after that. Please wake up. 


	122. Sherlock - Handwritten Note from Sherlock’s Notepad

Mary ~~Watson~~      Elizabeth Morstan  
                                  real name?

who are you? 

 LIAR                         I saw it then and didn’t say  
                                                I should have  told him  
clever                                      why didn’t I  
sarcastic                                         I should have protected  
intelligent - retentive memory                          him better  
romantic (all pretense?)   does it matter?  
      wife - ~~liar~~    marriage to John is legal  
works part-time  
nurse  <\-- liar  
interest in linguistics  
only child, parents deceased, liar?  
mother-to-be      ~~liar?~~   I deduced that, not a lie  
few friends  
  none more than five years old - LIAR  
excellent shot  
recognises lying  
skip code

          obvious 

\- former intelligence agent       still current? freelance?  
\- not English                                       reformed?  
     American?  
     Australian?  
     unclear  
  
How did she end up with John?  
coincidence  -  planted  -  wanted to move on  
                           ????

  
it was there all along, why didn’t I recognize sooner  
             I’ve failed him again

                                       AGAIN

Why can’t I keep him safe?                        every time  
how could I have  
  
               Is she one of his?  
                  Did I miss someone?

  
     WHO IS SHE  
  
                why John? why John why John why John  
               why John why John why John      WHY  
                          why  John?

  
~~first priority~~ : need more data               Mycroft

first priority:  
keep him safe                   from her and Magnussen both  
whatever it takes  
        whatever                                   no cost is too great  
          it takes 


	123. Sherlock - Text Thread with Wiggins

[Sent]     17:24  
I have a few tasks for you.

Wiggins     17:25  
I heard you were in hospital. Got yourself shot  
or something. Not really surprising actually.

[Sent]     17:25  
Yes, thank you for your obvious concern. As I  
said, I have a few things I need done. There’s  
£200 in it for you.

Wiggins     17:26  
I’m all ears.

[Sent]     17:28  
I need you to go to the flat. There’s an armchair  
in the first floor bedroom. Move it into the  
sitting room, opposite the grey chair. You’ll be  
able to see the marks on the floor where it’s  
supposed to go.

[Sent]     17:29  
After, I need you to meet me at Leinster  
Gardens.

Wiggins     17:31  
OK. I’ll go round your flat in thirty or so.

_[Draft]     17:31_  
_ No, you have to get there before John. He can’t    
know that I kept his chair in _

[Sent]     17:31  
I need it done sooner. I’ll throw in another £100  
if you go now.

Wiggins     17:33  
On my way there.


	124. John - Blog Post Saved to Draft

I should almost be used to this by now.

Mary isn’t Mary. My wife. She isn’t anybody. She’s made up. She’s a total lie. Everything I thought I knew about her, everything I thought I loved about her, it’s all fake. It’s totally fake. I don’t even know her real name.

The only thing I know about my wife is that she killed Sherlock.

Par for the course though, right? Apparently I’m the only one around these days that hasn’t killed Sherlock. He killed himself. My wife killed him. Judging by the scars he’s got, a couple of other people have had a go at it too, not that he ever bothered to tell me about that. So what, doesn’t matter, who cares. Next thing you know, it’ll be Mrs Hudson with the lead pipe in the ballroom. It’s a bloody game to him, and I’m the one left holding the loose ends as everything gets cut away. 

He’s sleeping now. I can’t take my eyes off him. I can barely manage to let a nurse come round to check his vitals, because what if she’s not really a nurse? What if the next bag they hang isn’t really what it says on the label? He would think I’m being ridiculous, but who the fuck cares what he thinks. He thinks we can trust her. He thinks she’s a  _ client.  _

And she’s pregnant. Makes you think, doesn’t it? When she became Mary Morstan, who did she leave behind? And what she said: if you read it, you won’t love me anymore. Apparently they both believe that I could still love her after she shot him, if I just don’t bother to find out who she is. Both of them, Mary and Sherlock, that’s what they think.

They think I’m capable of that. 

I’ve only ever loved one person so much as to forgive them Sherlock’s death, and he’s right here. And even though I know he’s just asleep, his eyes are closed and I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m going to spend the rest of my life waiting for him to wake up.

No, I don't love her. I don't need to know anything else about her to know that. 


	125. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

_[Draft]     8:14_   
_If you went to the canteen to get coffee, I don’t_   
_want any. Whatever that is, it isn’t coffee._

_[Draft]     8:29_   
_John, where_

_[Draft]     8:43_   
_Did you go home to Mar_

_[Draft]     8:57_   
_Why aren’t you here?_

_[Draft]     9:09_   
_Are you okay? Did she_

[Sent]     9:18  
Where are you?

John     9:21  
Just leaving, I’m on my way. Did you need   
something?

John     9:22  
I can grab it yet, what do you want?

_[Draft]     9:23_   
_I want you not to disappear like that. I woke up_   
_and you were gone. I thought maybe she had_   
_come back for you this time instead of me and_

_[Draft]     9:24_   
_I don’t want anything from the flat. Just come_   
_back._

[Sent]     9:25  
Bring the skull since this is apparently going to   
be my home for a while.

John     9:26  
I’m not bringing the skull to your hospital room.

[Sent]     9:26  
Fine. I suppose I’ll just have to talk to you   
Instead.

_[Draft]     9:27_   
_Why did you leave_

[Sent]     9:27  
I had thought you were going to stay here last   
night.

John     9:31  
I hope I’m still better company than the skull   
these days.

John    9:32  
And I was going to, but your night nurse, the   
one with the scrunchie? threatened to check   
me into my own room if I didn’t go home and   
sleep in a proper bed for once.

_[Draft]     9:32_   
_You should have let her. We could have shared a_   
_room. I’m sure Mycroft could arrange it if_

John    9:33  
Should be there in another half an hour, I’m     
going to stop for coffee. Want me to smuggle   
you a pastry?

[Sent]     9:33  
No, but I’ll take a coffee. Anything is better than   
that stuff you brought me from the canteen   
yesterday. You still know how I take it, I   
presume?

John     9:35  
Yeah, course. You sure though? You could have   
one of those baked cinnamon apple things, or   
you could have hospital oatmeal. You’ll have to   
eat one of them, I’m only offering an   
alternative.

John     9:36  
Just popping into the cafe now. Bit of a line.   
That one you like across from the hardware.   
  
_[Draft]     9:36_  
 _If I had realised that being in hospital meant_  
 _you’d spend all your time here and bribe me to_  
 _eat by bringing me pastries, I would have_  
 _provoked your wife to shoot me soo_

[Sent]     9:37  
If you’re going to insist I eat something, doctor, I   
suppose a pastry will do. One of the apple   
‘things’ will be fine.

[Sent]     9:37  
And a chocolate croissant.

_[Draft]     9:47_   
_Are you still at the cafe? You haven’t said_   
_anything in ten minutes now. Are you alright?_

John     9:49  
Just grabbing a cab. Be there in a few minutes.

_[Draft]     9:50_   
_Hurry back. I_


	126. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock     9:18  
Where are you?

 _[Draft]     9:19  
_ _What’s happened, on my way_

[Sent]     9:21  
Just leaving, I’m on my way. Did you need  
something from the flat?

[Sent]     9:22  
I can grab it yet, what do you want?

Sherlock     9:25  
Bring the skull since this is apparently going to  
be my home for a while.

[Sent]     9:26  
I’m not bringing the skull to your hospital  
room.

Sherlock     9:26  
Fine. I suppose I’ll just have to talk to you  
Instead.

Sherlock     9:27  
I had thought you were going to stay here last  
night.

[Sent]     9:31  
I hope I’m still better company than the skull  
these days.

[Sent]    9:32  
And I was going to, but your night nurse, the  
one with the scrunchie? threatened to check  
me into my own room if I didn’t go home and  
sleep in a proper bed for once.

[Sent]    9:33  
Should be there in another half an hour, I’m  
going to stop for coffee. Want me to smuggle  
you a pastry?

Sherlock     9:33  
No, but I’ll take a coffee. Anything is better than  
that stuff you brought me from the canteen  
yesterday. You still know how I take it, I  
presume?

[Sent]     9:35  
Yeah, course. You sure though? You could have  
one of those baked cinnamon apple things, or  
you could have hospital oatmeal. You’ll have to  
eat one of them, I’m only offering an  
alternative.

[Sent]     9:36  
Just popping into the cafe now. Bit of a line.  
That one you like across from the hardware.

Sherlock     9:37  
If you’re going to insist I eat something, doctor, I  
suppose a pastry will do. One of the apple  
‘things’ will be fine.

Sherlock     9:37  
And a chocolate croissant.

_[Draft]     9:39_  
_I shouldn’t be bringing you that much sugar. Or_  
_caffeine. Not with a great bloody hole_

_[Draft]     9:43_  
_I shouldn’t have stopped, this is taking far too long._  
_I overslept, I had meant to be there before you woke_

[Sent]     9:49  
Just grabbing a cab. Be there in a few minutes.


	127. John - Text Thread with Mrs Hudson

Mrs Hudson     11:33  
You must be with Sherlock already, hope  
he’s feeling good today. I left some meals  
in your fridge for later. I’ll be by this afternoon  
if you need anything from the flat.

 _[Draft]     11:45_  
_He won’t stop turning down the morphine  
pump so he’s in pain constantly and I’m_

[Sent]     11:46  
He’s feeling a little weak but mostly  
okay. Thanks for the food, you don’t have  
to do that! We seem to be okay up here for  
the moment.

Mrs Hudson     11:49  
Oh I always took up something here and there  
for Sherlock so it’s no trouble. He’d never have  
eaten otherwise, and when he first came home  
he was so distraught all the time, and so thin! I  
just got in the habit of it.

Mrs Hudson     11:51  
Are you settling in alright? Never thought I’d have  
you here again, it’s too bad I can’t manage to get  
both of you here at once! Must be strange to be  
up there without him now.

 _[Draft]     11:53  
_ _It’s fine, it just_

 _[Draft]     11:54  
__It’s like when he died, all over again. It’s  
__so quiet. I think about him lying here in this  
__stupid hospital bed and wonder if he died  
__there, while I was gone, if I’d know. If_ _I’d be_  
_able to tell._

 _[Draft]     11:56_  
_You probably would know how that felt_  
_better than any of us, wouldn’t you? I’m_  
_sorry. I’m so sorry I left. I’m so sorry I didn’t_  
_come back. I think he might have needed me_  
_and I wasn’t there._

[Sent]     11:57  
Settling in fine, thanks. Enjoying the quiet  
for once.

Mrs Hudson     11:58  
Of course dear, you just take your time and  
sort yourself out. Let me know if you need  
anything. I’ll be up to visit around 2 this  
afternoon.


	128. Sherlock - Text Thread with Mycroft

[Sent]     5:32  
You have surveillance on Mary, I presume? I   
want access to it.

Mycroft     5:37  
Yes, of course I have surveillance on her. She   
tried to kill you. Do you think I would make the   
mistake of letting her out of my sight? She’s   
being watched around the clock, both on   
camera and in person, but you know that I can’t   
give you access.

[Sent]     5:38  
Don’t be tedious. I want access.

Mycroft     5:40  
Why?

_[Draft]     5:41  
I need to know he’s okay. That she hasn’t _

_[Draft]     5:41  
I want to know if she tries to _

[Sent]     5:43  
I want to help.

Mycroft     5:44  
You are in hospital, meant to be recovering, not   
running off after the woman who put you there.   
Even without your help, I can guarantee that   
she will not come anywhere near you again.

[Sent]     5:45  
Do relax. I’m not going to go after her, and she’s   
far too intelligent to try to come after me again   
while I’m here. It’s not me I’m concerned about.

Mycroft     5:46  
Do you honestly think I don’t know that?

Mycroft     5:50  
As Dr Watson hardly ever leaves your side these   
days, it stands to reason that if she cannot get   
to you in hospital, she also cannot get to him.   
For the occasions when he does venture out.   
there is an abundance of surveillance in place at   
Baker Street, and the CCTVs cover his route   
between the two. He is also shadowed by three   
agents any time that he sets foot outside of   
your hospital room or your flat. That is of course   
in addition to the surveillance surrounding her.   
Is that enough to ease your concern?

_[Draft]     5:51  
No. _

[Sent]     5:52  
At least give me access to the cameras in the   
flat.

Mycroft     5:53  
Sherlock, you need rest, not to spend every   
moment looking after John. That stunt you   
pulled in Leinster Gardens already set your   
recovery back far enough. For once in your life,   
trust me to handle things. Please.

_[Draft]     5:54_   
_You can’t expect me to relax while I’m stuck_   
_here and he’s there without me to_

_[Draft]     5:58_   
_Do you know that he hasn’t spoken to her since_   
_I’ve been back here? What if she takes that as a_   
_sign that he doesn’t trust her? I tried to convince_   
_him he could, but he’s too angry to even try yet._   
_If she thinks he won’t come back, what will she_   
_do then? What if she slips past your agents?_   
_What if she disables the cameras somehow?_   
_What if she corners him in a shop before you_   
_can do anything about it? I can’t lose him. Not_   
_like that. I can’t, Mycroft. I’ll_

[Sent]     6:13  
I want to know the second that anything even   
remotely suspicious happens.

[Sent]     6:13  
And I want whatever information you’ve   
managed to dig up on her real background so   
far.

Mycroft     6:14  
Done.

[Sent]     6:14  
And I want you to promise me you won’t let   
anything happen to him.

Mycroft     6:16  
I can’t promise that, baby brother.

[Sent]     6:16  
Promise me, Mycroft

[Sent]     6:18  
Please

Mycroft     6:22  
I promise that I will do everything in my power   
to prevent any harm from befalling John.

[Sent]     6:22  
And the baby.

Mycroft     6:23  
And the child.

[Sent]     6:23  
Thank you.

Mycroft     6:29  
John is still asleep at your flat for now. You   
should try to get some more sleep, too. I’ll send   
over a file later today.


	129. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

_[Draft]     21:02_  
_I think I should have stayed the night there_  
_with you._

_[Draft]     21:03_  
_I’m never comfortable here. I keep waiting_  
_for the call._

_[Draft]     21:10_  
_You should be sleeping. I bet you aren’t,_  
_but you should be. I told you to when I_  
_left._

_[Draft]    21:14_  
_I should have waited until you fell asleep._  
_Just to be sure you were alright. Your doctor_  
_said you’ve been having panic attacks. I_  
_should have known._

[Sent] 21:23  
Maybe I should’ve brought you the skull after  
all. I feel like he’s looking at me here.

Sherlock 21:26  
He’s probably judging whatever terrible thing  
you’re watching on telly tonight.

_[Draft]     21:27_  
_I’m watching a rerun of that documentary_  
_you hate about Jack the Ripper, actually._  
_The one you like to shout at? We watch it_  
_every time it’s on. Or we used to._

[Sent] 21:29  
He’s a terrible judge of telly, what does he know.  
Shouldn’t you be sleeping by now?

Sherlock 21:31  
I feel like I’ve already slept more this week than I  
have in the entire last year.

Sherlock 21:31  
I could ask you the same thing.

[Sent] 21:32  
Well, you know how it is, awful telly to watch.  
I only got home forty minutes ago, I’ve been  
eating some of this casserole thing Mrs H  
left in the fridge so she’ll stop badgering me  
about it.

[Sent] 21:33  
And I’m not the one in hospital, anyway.  
You need the sleep, it’s healing.

Sherlock 21:34  
Yes, doctor. It’s not as though there’s much  
to do here beside sleep anyway. Lestrade  
won’t even send me any case files to look at.  
My brain is going to rot before I get out of  
this bed.

_[Draft]     21:36_  
_I could bring you something to keep you_  
_busy_

_[Draft]     21:37_  
_What about the flash drive_

[Sent] 21:40  
It’s good for you. There’s enough going on  
anyway with healing. Deduce your doctors.  
I’ll walk a different route every day and you  
can deduce where I went, how I got there.

[Sent] 21:42  
And when you’re doing better, there’ll be  
plenty to think about. I’m going to need your  
help Sherlock. But I need you to be better first.

Sherlock 21:46  
Fine, I’ll sleep. Wouldn’t want to disobey my  
doctor.

Sherlock 21:47  
Good night, John.

_[Draft]     21:48_  
_Night. I love you._

[Sent] 21:52  
Good night, Sherlock. I’ll bring you the skull  
tomorrow, if you still want this thing.

[Sent] 21:55  
And maybe, if you were interested, if you  
feel well enough. There’s the flash drive,  
too. I don’t think I can read it, but you  
could. Only if you’re well enough though,  
and only if you sleep.

Sherlock 21:57  
Are you sure you want me to read it?

[Sent] 21:58  
I’m sure I don’t want anyone else to read it.  
I trust you. Right now I can’t say that of  
very many people.

Sherlock 22:07  
Then I suppose I better get to sleep.

Sherlock 22:07  
Good night again. You should sleep, too.

[Sent] 22:09  
I will. Good night. I’ll be there in the morning  
when you wake up.

Sherlock 22:15  
And thank you.

Sherlock 22:15  
For trusting me.

_[Draft]     22:18_  
_Maybe I shouldn’t. But I do. I will. I always_  
_will._


	130. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

John     21:23  
Maybe I should’ve brought you the skull after  
all. I feel like he’s looking at me here.

 _[Draft]     21:23_  
_That’s because Mycroft’s team probably put a_ _  
camera inside._

 _[Draft]     21:25_ _  
_ _He’s just keeping an eye on you for me._

[Sent]     21:26  
He’s probably judging whatever terrible thing  
you’re watching on telly tonight.

John     21:29  
He’s a terrible judge of telly, what does he know.  
Shouldn’t you be sleeping by now?

 _[Draft]     21:30_ _  
_ _I can’t when you’re not here. Come back._

[Sent]     21:31  
I feel like I’ve already slept more this week than I  
have in the entire last year.

[Sent]     21:31  
I could ask you the same thing.

John     21:32  
Well, you know how it is, awful telly to watch.  
I only got home forty minutes ago, I’ve been  
eating some of this casserole thing Mrs H  
left in the fridge so she’ll stop badgering me  
about it.

John     21:33  
And I’m not the one in hospital, anyway.  
You need the sleep, it’s healing.

[Sent]     21:34  
Yes, doctor. It’s not as though there’s much  
to do here beside sleep anyway. Lestrade  
won’t even send me any case files to look at.  
My brain is going to rot before I get out of  
this bed.

John     21:40  
It’s good for you. There’s enough going on  
anyway with healing. Deduce your doctors.  
I’ll walk a different route every day and you  
can deduce where I went, how I got there.

John     21:42  
And when you’re doing better, there’ll be  
plenty to think about. I’m going to need your  
help Sherlock. But I need you to be better first.

 _[Draft]     21:42_  
_Help with what? You’re going to go back to_  
_her. You have to. You don’t need my help_ _  
with that._

 _[Draft]     21:44_  
_I don’t know what you could possibly need my_ _  
help with, but I’ll do whatever I can for you._

[Sent]     21:46  
Fine, I’ll sleep. Wouldn’t want to disobey my  
doctor.

[Sent]     21:47  
Good night, John.

John     21:52  
Good night, Sherlock. I’ll bring you the skull  
tomorrow, if you still want this thing.

 _[Draft]     21:53_ _  
_ _I don’t. I just want you._

John     21:55  
And maybe, if you were interested, if you  
feel well enough. There’s the flash drive,  
too. I don’t think I can read it, but you  
could. Only if you’re well enough though,  
and only if you sleep.

[Sent]     21:57  
Are you sure you want me to read it?

John     21:58  
I’m sure I don’t want anyone else to read it.  
I trust you. Right now I can’t say that of  
very many people.

 _[Draft]     22:01_  
_You trust me? After everything I’ve done?_ _  
How could you?_

 _[Draft]     22:04_  
_I don’t know why you still would after all the_  
_hurt I’ve caused you, but I hope I won’t give_ _  
you cause to doubt that trust ever again._

 _[Draft]     22:05_ _  
_ _Thank you, John. That means_

 _[Draft]     22:05_ _  
_ _Thank you, I_

 _[Draft]     22:05_ _  
_ _Why is this so hard why why_

[Sent]     22:07  
Then I suppose I better get to sleep.

[Sent]     22:07  
Good night again. You should sleep, too.

John     22:09  
I will. Good night. I’ll be there in the morning  
when you wake up.

 _[Draft]     22:11_ _  
_ _And_

 _[Draft]     22:14_ _  
_ _Say it just say it tell him_

[Sent]     22:15  
And thank you.

[Sent]     22:15  
For trusting me.

 _[Draft]     22:15_ _  
_ _No one else ever has._


	131. John - Email Thread with Major James Sholto

**_Sent to jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 20 Sept, 18:57_ **

Sorry I haven’t written back before now. I’m sure you’ve seen on the news already but Sherlock was shot two weeks ago. I’ve moved back to Baker Street for the time being, and he’s still in hospital recovering, and everything is such a mess that I hardly even know where I am half the time.

How is your rehab going? You going through the paces correctly and all?

 

 

**_Received from jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 21 Sept, 12:33_ **

John, I did see it on the news, and I’m terribly sorry to hear it. Sherlock is a strong sort though, and I’m sure he will make a solid recovery with you to look after him. I hope you are taking care of yourself, too; I know there is nothing so awful as watching a loved one go through this but don’t forgo your own needs, physically or emotionally. Remember what we talked about a few weeks back. I know the situation is difficult, but don’t hide from it out of fear.

Rehab is fine. Yes, doctor, I know I have to keep on track with my exercises. My new physical therapist reminds me of you, sometimes; he is too fierce to even entertain the thought of giving up.

I will be thinking of you both, and best wishes to Mary as well.

 

 

**_Sent to jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 23 Sept, 15:19_ **

The situation has changed, to be blunt about it. I’m not sure even what the situation is anymore. Mary is not the person I thought she was and Sherlock is paying the price for it. It’s beyond the issue of the right moment and whether Sherlock might feel anything. I couldn’t be so selfish now as to put that on him now. I would endanger him. Whether or not he returned any sort of feeling, whatever he wanted, if I said, if I admitted, it would make him more of a target than ever. I can’t say much James, I’m sorry for being so vague, but things are delicate right now. If it kept him safe, I would hold it forever.

Sorry, got to dash, they’ve just brought Sherlock back from some tests and he’s looking a little green--

John.

 

 

**_Received from jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 24 Sept, 8:56_ **

John - I hardly know what to say. I’m sorry that you two are going through this; I hope you are reaching out to law enforcement resources if you feel like someone is targeting you or Sherlock. I can recommend a discrete security firm, too, if you are in need of some personal protection. If you are in danger from Mary--I don’t mean to pry, but your comment seemed to imply this, and perhaps some personal protection wouldn’t go amiss. You said earlier you were staying at Baker Street. Is it a secure enough location?

Pursuing your own happiness, though, is not inherently an exercise in selfishness. Remember that, John. Sometimes it’s an exercise is self-preservation. I’m learning something about it myself, these days.

 

 

**_Sent to jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 24 Sept, 23:43_ **

I shouldn’t be telling yo anything James. I shouldn’t. I don’t know if she’s tracking my emails I don’t know if communicating with you could be you i more danger than ever before. Idn’t know how good she is. Shelrock knows. he’s looking into her. background check on m own wife. Should have known. What would you’ve done if you’d found the insurgent hwo shot me? What kind of mercy would you have shown them if it were me and my shooter? What if my shooter had been pregnant? what would you have done if you had  made the choice that put that shhoooter in my life, if they’d shot me to keep secrets from you?

I don’t know wgat to do James. I don’t know where to go from here. i just want to hold his hand until he’s better and then go home wth him and forget this oever happened, but I can’t. It doesn’t work that way.

 

 

**_Received from jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 25 Sept, 4:13_ **

John -- I imagine you are already alarmed and upset by what you wrote last night. Please do not worry. My security here at the estate is unquestionably solid and has already been reassessed. Please make sure your own security is sufficient instead of worrying about mine.

I know what I would do if I knew where to find your shooter and it isn’t pleasant. It seems you were drunk last night, John, but remember that I _did_ make the choice that put that shooter in your life. That mission was assigned to you by me, and of all the men and women whose lives I endangered, you lived. There were many more men and women that did not. I understand guilt. I understand shame. And I am still telling you, Sherlock would want to hear your thoughts and feelings. Let him make his own choice.

As for Sherlock’s shooter, if she’s not the woman you thought, if she’s been hiding things from you, I would, if it were me, make the difficult decision to find out how much of her is real and how much is not. How much of your life together was real. And if she’s pregnant, well. I hate to be the one to say it, John, but it doesn’t seem to make her any less dangerous. Think on it.

I have enjoyed these emails, John. Please keep writing.

 

 

**_Sent to jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 28 Sept, 26:59_ **

You were right, I was alarmed. I am so sorry. I wish I could take it back, I have no idea what I was thinking, exposing you to this.

I found out what I could about Sherlock’s shooter, like you said. I asked my government contact. I trust him, and he was able to find plenty of information. We are still digging through it, there is so much, and we’re trying to keep it from Sherlock at the same time so he doesn’t go poking his nose while he’s still recovering. I can’t say anything other than to say it’s been alarming.

I still can’t muster the courage to tell Sherlock that I love him; it doesn’t seem fair to him now. I can’t simply turn around from one bad choice and attempt to resolve my problems by putting that on him when he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t. He’s never said a word, not on all the drug cocktails they’ve had him on, not coming out of anesthesia from his second surgery. I don’t want him to think I’m falling back on him now that he’s hurt, that he’s only important to me when he’s about to be taken away. I just can’t put that on him.

And it would put him in more danger, if she knew. She said she would do anything to keep me in her life, and I believe her. I can’t put him in that kind of danger again. I can’t. I’ll do whatever I have to do to keep him safe, and if that means a less than happy future for me, that’s what I will have, and I’ll be satisfied to have it as long as he lives.


	132. Sherlock - Handwritten Note on the Back of a Memo from the Czech Office for Foreign Relations and Information

You just left for the evening. You squeezed my hand, as has become your habit over the last month, and gave me that slight smile and vanished into the night. I know you’ve only gone to Baker Street, but when my entire world has been hatefully reduced to a single hospital corridor, you might as well be on Mars. (Solar system, I know--it seemed important to you that I know about it.)

I know this can’t last. I know that at some point you have to go back to her. It will be safer for you and the baby both if you are there where she wants you. And you deserve the chance to go back to her, to have the happiness you’ve always wanted, to have a wife and a child who will treat you well and appreciate you and love you in all the ways you desire. I’m trying to give you a way back to that, to let you trust her, to let you forgive her. Yes, she tried to take my life, but I also once did exactly that, as far as you knew at the time. You forgave me that. You can forgive her this. I told you that the flash drive was empty, and that wasn’t a lie. But she does have a past--I’ve seen small pieces of it in these files, though there isn’t much--it just wasn’t on that flash drive. There wasn’t a single hint on there of the woman she was, and so you don’t have to try to reconcile that with the woman she is now. She can be whoever you want her to be, and you won’t be haunted by her past. She can go back to just being your wife. She  is your wife. And someday soon you’ll remember that. You’ll realise you can still have that life, and you’ll go back to her.

But until then you sit here day after day, reading aloud crimes from the paper for me to solve, laughing over crap telly, asking for help when you get stuck on the crossword, telling me about Mrs Hudson’s trip to her sister’s or the row Mrs Turner’s tenants had that was so loud you could hear it through the wall. For now it almost feels like you could stay, like if I offered you a choice you wouldn’t go back. And even though I know that you should go back, that you have to, that you will, I find myself wishing that you wouldn’t. You spend every waking minute at my side and then you squeeze my hand and go back to the flat without me, and I want nothing more than to catch your hand and pull you back and beg you to stay. I want you to come back here and stay by my side because you being here is the only thing that keeps me from ripping out these lines and running out of this place. I want you to come back here until I can go home, too, and then I want you there with me. I want you to stay. I want you to choose to stay. 

I know you have to go, that you will go, but I’m a selfish man. I want you. I love you. You have to go. I know. I  know. But I want to beg you to come back to me somehow. I don’t know how. But somehow, someday, come back to me. Please come back and stay.


	133. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes

[Sent]     17:32  
All right. You must have a plan of some kind.  
She’s under surveillance, isn’t she?

Mycroft     17:34  
Of course she is under surveillance. I haven’t  
moved on her yet; I have been waiting on you  
to make a decision after passing you the copy of  
her file last week.

Mycroft     17:35  
I don’t imagine I have to inform you in any  
formal way of my opinion on what should be  
done. I am stretched to my very limits of  
self-control, Doctor Watson.

[Sent]     17:38  
Yeah, I know, there’s no need to be  
dramatic about it. I want the same things  
you want, for once.

Mycroft     17:39  
I very much doubt the breadth of that  
statement to be true. Do you intend to  
resume your life with Ms Morstan?

[Sent]     17:41  
No.

[Sent]     17:41  
Don’t ever ask me that again. That’s too  
cruel a suggestion even for you.

Mycroft     17:44  
My brother is labouring under his own  
belief in the veracity of your love for Ms  
Morstan then. Perhaps you should correct  
him.

[Sent]     17:45  
My relationship with Sherlock is none of your  
business, ta very much, I can handle that on my  
own. What I want is for Mary to be gone, but  
she’s pregnant, and all this stuff--claims on her  
from America, from the Czechs, from Germany,  
from Russia--I don’t know what the best plan is.  
I need your help to sort it out from the political  
side.

Mycroft     17:47  
You want me to secure Ms Morstan until you  
can secure the child, is that what you’re asking?  
She can give birth to a child while in custody,  
Doctor Watson. That’s not an issue.

[Sent]     17:48  
I want my rights protected though. I don’t want  
her to contest my paternity. I don’t want it to  
end up parentless out of her spite, and if she’s  
extradited, I don’t want the baby to be lost  
in the shuffle.

[Sent]     17:49  
Even if the child isn’t mine. I want to protect it. I  
don’t want it to end up without parents just  
because of who it’s mother is.

Mycroft     17:51  
Are there other candidates for paternity that  
you are aware of? That could file their own  
petitions?

[Sent]     17:54  
No bloody clue. Could we find out? Could we  
have a test done, without her knowing?

Mycroft     17:56  
Yes. I could. If you are requesting a DNA test,  
I can arrange for it.

 _[Draft]     17:59  
_ _Yes. No. I don't know._

_[Draft]     18:00  
Sherlock would say yes, I think. He'd want   
all the data. It's hard doing this without him._   
_Harder than I thought it would be._

[Sent]     18:03  
I’m requesting it.

Mycroft     18:05  
I cannot promise that if she is arrested, we  
would not be forced to extradite her. Our  
treaties are firm, and our relations not so  
stable with some parts of the world as to  
survive a refusal to extradite Ms Morstan,  
not with the danger she presents.

Mycroft     18:06  
For now I will keep her under strict  
surveillance, but if she moves on Sherlock or  
on anyone else, I will not hesitate to bring  
her in.

[Sent]     18:08  
Don’t. Don’t hesitate for even an instant.  
She’s hurt enough people already.

[Sent]     18:09  
Protect the baby, though. Please. It doesn’t  
deserve to be involved in any of this.

Mycroft     18:12  
I will do my best, John. You know I cannot  
promise certainties.

[Sent]     18:19  
I know.


	134. Sherlock - Unaddressed Email Saved to Drafts

I’m done with the morphine, and I can finally think clearly again. More clearly, anyway. This other oral opioid they’ve put me on (you and the doctor were babbling back and forth then, and I filtered--I’ll ask you what it is later) makes me far less mawkishly sentimental, to my delight, and far less of an idiot, to your apparent dismay. I think you’ve been rather enjoying my time spent being “just brilliant” rather than “beyond fucking genius” (your words, obviously) because it allows you to occasionally beat me at Cluedo (just that once) or chess (but to be fair, those three times were all when I was half-asleep). Even though you must surely be disappointed that your winning streak, short though it was, is now at an end, you seem pleased at my progress, although it’s still likely to be another month before I can go home. 

And what happens then? Will you stay at Baker Street as you have been, or will you go home to your wife and child? You still haven’t spoken to her, as far as I’m aware, but you laugh more lately, smile more, seem more at ease, as if perhaps you’re forgetting it all a little. As if you’re starting to let it go. You might be able to go back to her after all, if that’s what you want.

And that’s what I’ve realised in all my time spent stuck in this detestable room. What matters most is what you want. It needs to be your choice to make. (I admit I probably should have realised that much sooner, but I’m not without fault.) I have dragged you into danger. I have lied to keep you safe. I have strived to give you the things you want. I have made choice upon choice for you. To a degree, I have determined the course your life has taken in recent years, and though it was always done with your best interests at heart, none of it seems to have brought you much happiness. I need to let you choose this time and trust whatever choice you make.

I’ve laid the foundation for you to forgive her if that’s what you want to do. I’ve told you she wasn’t trying to kill me. I’ve told you the truth about the flash drive but nothing more, so that you can have a better chance to forget about her past. I’ve encouraged you to go back, made it clear that you should, so that you can do so with a clear conscience, with no obligation to remain with me out of loyalty or pity. You can go back and choose to be happy with her, if that’s what you want. 

But if you don’t want that, you are more than welcome to stay. That option will always be available to you. Always. 

My goal now has to be to make it safe for you to make that decision. I have to ensure that neither option will put you or the baby at risk any more. If you were to choose her, that would eliminate the potential threat that she poses to both you and your child, but that isn’t the only threat. Magnussen remains. However, if I were to retrieve her files from him as I told her I would, that should remove all three of you from his reach. And if you were to choose not to return to her, I could pass the files to Mycroft--they must surely be more comprehensive than the disappointingly little he’s been able to dig up on her so far--which would provide us with leverage over her to prevent her from coming after you or me or from fleeing with the baby. 

I need to make a deal, and then once I have the files, you’ll be free to make your choice. I know what I would prefer you do, but whatever you decide, I swear to you that I will protect that choice at all cost. I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure your happiness.


	135. John - Blog Post Saved to Draft

The paternity results are in.

I haven’t looked at them yet. Such a big thing, contained in a thin packet of papers and a sealed envelope: fatherhood. I hadn’t ever thought I might be a father. I hadn’t ever pictured myself with a child, changing nappies and wiping noses, holding tiny hands as they grow bigger and bigger. When Sherlock deduced it, at the wedding, it felt like the world was coming out from under my feet. I was now something I hadn’t ever intended to be, hadn’t ever really wanted to be. In more ways than one.

And yet in that moment, you’re it. You’re the one, and there’s life tied to you now.

Now there’s an envelope here that’s going to tell me who I am all over again. I have been a lot of things: doctor, soldier, blogger, colleague, friend. Lover, not lover. Husband. Fool. Idiot. Conductor of light. Now I might, or might not, be this.

The funny thing about it is that there’s a chance this envelope will change everything and nothing. No matter if I’m the biological father or not, I won’t leave a child parentless. Having Mary for a mother is bad luck, but it shouldn’t be a life sentence.

But I won’t leave a father childless either. He should have a choice. I’ve made them. I made truly terrible choices that have led me to this envelope, and maybe some poor sod out there has made worse ones, but this one is too big for me to decide alone.

I’ve been sitting here for forty-five minutes waffling. I need to open it.


	136. John - Blog Post Saved to Draft

It isn't mine.

It isn't mine.

It isn’t mine. I keep typing that out and staring at it. The baby isn’t mine. Christ. I’m . I’m not a father. I’m not that man.

I thought I was prepared for how this might feel but I wasn’t at all. Overwhelming guilt. So much guilt. I thought I’d be relieved. I thought it would feel like this big weight taken off, that we would go and look for the real father and pass it off, and the guilt of that is agony. God. What kind of man am I, to be relieved at the uncertainty this little life faces?

No. There’s no uncertainty. They will grow up with a father no matter what happens. I will burn these papers and keep this secret in the black of my soul if there's no one else. I’m good at that. I’m good at things unsaid, left in drafts, things that have been spilling out of my throat and swallowed back for years--that I can do.

God, how will I tell Sherlock? Should I? Will he be able to read it on me? He isn’t as good at reading me as he thinks he is, apparently, and I could keep it a secret. It could be something only Mycroft and I know: who this child’s true father is. Whether he wanted it.

I have to tell him though. I know I do. Sherlock will _love_ this child, if they stay with me. He will be a familiar figure this child’s whole life, and he will know things about this child that they don’t even know about themselves. And it would be the work of an instant for Sherlock to see the line of a nose, the turn of an ear, the fold of an eye, and see someone else and none of me. For the child’s sake and for mine and for his, I have to tell him.

And.

Maybe it’s a bit selfish, but I need for someone else to carry this with me. I don’t want to hold this by myself, and I don’t want anyone else to carry it with me. Just him. I’ll tell him. Tomorrow. He’ll put his foot in his mouth almost certainly but that’s okay.

Sometimes, when I catch him looking at me in the quiet, I think he understands a lot more than he really lets on.


	137. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

[Sent]     20:52  
Got your room all set up for you to come back.  
And the sitting room. Coming home isn’t a free  
pass to go running around, alright? But it’ll be  
better than being stuck in hospital, I think :)

Sherlock     20:52  
Anything is better than being stuck here.  
Except maybe being stuck anywhere with  
Mycroft.

[Sent]     20:53  
I can arrange for that if you don’t take care of  
yourself here. You’re still healing. It’ll be all  
rest and relaxation, doctor’s orders.

[Sent]     20:53  
I even picked up a few more stupid action films  
you can pretend not to like.

Sherlock     20:54  
I thought it was your job to make me feel  
better, not worse.

[Sent]     20:55  
You know what they say though. Laughter is  
the best medicine, and I think you’ll really  
get a kick out of The Fast and the Furious.  
All seven of them.

Sherlock     20:58  
I think I’ll just stay in hospital, thanks.

[Sent]     20:59  
Oh well then Mrs H will have made these  
biscuits for nothing! For shame. I’ll have  
to eat them myself, and I’ve already gained  
three pounds as it is.

[Sent]     21:04  
I think we’ll all be glad to have you out of  
hospital though, in seriousness. It’ll make  
the flat feel full again.

Sherlock     21:08  
Even if it means I have to endure your terrible  
taste in films again, it’ll be good to be home.

Sherlock     21:10  
I don’t want to inconvenience you, but I know  
that you’re going to stick around and make sure  
I don’t get myself into too much trouble. In your  
medical opinion, how long do you think you’ll  
need to stay?

[Sent]     21:15  
You’re not inconvenient, don’t start with that  
crap. If it weren’t for me you wouldn’t even  
be in this situation.

[Sent]     21:16  
Your parents invited us up with the whole lot  
of you for Christmas at least. Mycroft’s arranged  
it all and then your mum will be wanting a go  
at smothering you for a while.

Sherlock     21:18  
Are you sure you want to spend Christmas  
with my family? It’s practically an exercise in  
torture. Although we could take bets on  
how many slices of Christmas cake Mycroft  
will eat, so I suppose it wouldn’t be all bad.

Sherlock     21:19  
You don’t have to go just because my mother  
asked. If you wanted to spend your holiday  
elsewhere, she would understand.

[Sent]     21:21  
Nope. Sounds lovely. We’ve missed too many  
Christmases, I think we’ve earned this one.

 _[Draft]     21:22_  
_Listen, though, there’s something else I want_  
_to tell you about the baby_

 _[Draft]     21:24_  
_I wanted to tell you though, before you came_  
_home_

Sherlock     21:24  
At least we’ll both have a full week at home to  
prepare for my mother’s coddling before that.

Sherlock     21:24  
Don’t think that you’re going to escape her just  
because you aren’t a blood relative. She’s very  
determined.

[Sent]     21:25  
If she’s anything like the pair of you, I’m not  
surprised. You’ll have to tell me the tips and tricks  
this week.

[Sent]     21:26  
Then I’ll know how to direct the conversation  
to you as a little kid. I’m sure she’s got loads  
of horror stories.

 _[Draft]     21:28_  
_Speaking of kids, though_

Sherlock     21:28  
I’ll have you know I was the model child. No  
stories to be told, so you shouldn’t bother  
asking.

[Sent]     21:31  
You’re not as good a liar as you think you are,  
Sherlock.

Sherlock     21:33  
Don’t be ridiculous. I’m an excellent liar. The key  
is to not delve into the details. Omissions can  
say as much, if not more than words can.

 _[Draft]     21:33_  
_Funny, seems everyone I know is really good at_  
_that particular sort of lying. Mary omitted her_  
_whole identity, you omitted that you were_  
_alive, and I’m here just_

 _[Draft]     21:35_  
_You know I forgive you, but I’d still prefer not to_  
_be reminded of it._

 _[Draft]     21:36_  
_Can we not talk about_

 _[Draft]     21:36_  
_I’m trying to tell you that the baby isn’t_

 _[Draft]     21:37_  
_God this would be easier in person._

[Sent]     21:39  
It’s almost ten, we should be getting ready  
to turn in for the night. Big day tomorrow.

Sherlock     21:41  
If you want to sleep, by all means, don’t let  
me keep you. I’ve slept enough for the next  
year however.

Sherlock     21:41  
Not sure what I’m going to do instead. There’s  
surprisingly little fun to be had in a hospital  
room.

[Sent]     21:42  
After three months you’d know. You should  
sleep. I should sleep.

[Sent]     21:42  
I know what you mean though.

[Sent]     21:48  
Maybe I could come back up for a while. Watch  
the late night shows with you. Raid the nurses  
station for a snack neither of us should be  
eating. If you’re interested?

 _[Draft]     21:51_  
_Say yes. I know it’s late, I know I’ll see you_  
_tomorrow. I want to see you now._

Sherlock     21:54  
Bring that bottle of wine that’s been tucked  
away in the cupboard for so long. We can  
have a drink and celebrate my last night here.

[Sent]     21:56  
You can’t drink on those antibiotics.

[Sent]     21:56  
Not more than an ounce or two anyway.  
Wine in a meds cup?

Sherlock     21:57  
Fine. Wouldn’t want to upset my doctor on my  
last night here.

[Sent]     22:01  
I’m getting a cab alright? Don’t fall asleep before  
I get there.

Sherlock     22:02  
Of course I won’t. Don’t forget the wine. And  
the skull. He should be in on this celebration,  
too.

[Sent]     22:02  
The skull can wait. Just us tonight. Be there soon.

Sherlock     22:03  
Just us. Just like old times.

Sherlock     22:04  
See you soon, John.


	138. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

John     20:52  
Got your room all set up for you to come back.  
And the sitting room. Coming home isn’t a free  
pass to go running around, alright? But it’ll be  
better than being stuck in hospital, I think :)

[Sent]     20:52  
Anything is better than being stuck here.  
Except maybe being stuck anywhere with  
Mycroft.

John     20:53  
I can arrange for that if you don’t take care of  
yourself here. You’re still healing. It’ll be all  
rest and relaxation, doctor’s orders.

John     20:53  
I even picked up a few more stupid action films  
you can pretend not to like.

[Sent]     20:54  
I thought it was your job to make me feel  
better, not worse.

John     20:55  
You know what they say though. Laughter is  
the best medicine, and I think you’ll really  
get a kick out of The Fast and the Furious.  
All seven of them.

_[Draft]     20:56_  
_I can think of so many other ways you could_  
_make me feel better._

[Sent]     20:58  
I think I’ll just stay in hospital, thanks.

John     20:59  
Oh well then Mrs H will have made these  
biscuits for nothing! For shame. I’ll have  
to eat them myself, and I’ve already gained  
three pounds as it is.

_[Draft]     21:01_  
_Don’t worry so much. You still look gorg_

John     21:04  
I think we’ll all be glad to have you out of  
hospital though, in seriousness. It’ll make  
the flat feel full again.

_[Draft]     21:05_  
_I’m looking forward to being back home again._  
_And having you there for now is_

[Sent]     21:08  
Even if it means I have to endure your terrible  
taste in films again, it’ll be good to be home.

_[Draft]     21:08_  
_Have you decided how long you’re staying?_

_[Draft]     21:09_  
_I know you might not want to stay at the flat_  
_any longer than you have to. Have you given_  
_any thought to how long you might stay?_  
  
[Sent]     21:10  
I don’t want to inconvenience you, but I know  
that you’re going to stick around and make sure  
I don’t get myself into too much trouble. In your  
medical opinion, how long do you think you’ll  
need to stay?

John     21:15  
You’re not inconvenient, don’t start with that  
crap. If it weren’t for me you wouldn’t even  
be in this situation.

John     21:16  
Your parents invited us up with the whole lot  
of you for Christmas at least. Mycroft’s arranged  
it all and then your mum will be wanting a go  
at smothering you for a while.

[Sent]     21:18  
Are you sure you want to spend Christmas  
with my family? It’s practically an exercise in  
torture. Although we could take bets on  
how many slices of Christmas cake Mycroft  
will eat, so I suppose it wouldn’t be all bad.

_[Draft]     21:19_  
_But it’s fine if you’d rather spend your day with_  
_Harry or Mary or something. It’s your choice._

[Sent]     21:19  
You don’t have to go just because my mother  
asked. If you wanted to spend your holiday  
elsewhere, she would understand.

John     21:21  
Nope. Sounds lovely. We’ve missed too many  
Christmases, I think we’ve earned this one.

_[Draft]     21:22_  
_We have missed a lot, haven’t we? I know I’m_  
_to blame for that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for_  
_everything._

[Sent]     21:24  
At least we’ll both have a full week at home to  
prepare for my mother’s coddling before that.

[Sent]     21:24  
Don’t think that you’re going to escape her just  
because you aren’t a blood relative. She’s very  
determined.

John     21:25  
If she’s anything like the pair of you, I’m not  
surprised. You’ll have to tell me the tips and tricks  
this week.

John     21:26  
Then I’ll know how to direct the conversation  
to you as a little kid. I’m sure she’s got loads  
of horror stories.

[Sent]     21:28  
I’ll have you know I was the model child. No  
stories to be told, so you shouldn’t bother  
asking.

John     21:31  
You’re not as good a liar as you think you are,  
Sherlock.

_[Draft]     21:31_  
_You’d be surprised._

[Sent]     21:33  
Don’t be ridiculous. I’m an excellent liar. The key  
is to not delve into the details. Omissions can  
say as much, if not more than words can.

_[Draft]     21:35_  
_We all walk around every day lying to those_  
_around us, not saying the things we want to_  
_say... that jumper is awful, you look even more_  
_beautiful every day, I’m sorry, the tea doesn’t_  
_taste as good as when you make it but I drink it_  
_anyway, I wish you would have waited for me,_  
_I miss you, I love you, please stay with me_

John     21:39  
It’s almost ten, we should be getting ready  
to turn in for the night. Big day tomorrow.

[Sent]     21:41  
If you want to sleep, by all means, don’t let  
me keep you. I’ve slept enough for the next  
year however.  
  
[Sent]     21:41  
Not sure what I’m going to do instead. There’s  
surprisingly little fun to be had in a hospital  
room.

John     21:42  
After three months you’d know. You should  
sleep. I should sleep.

John     21:42  
I know what you mean though.

_[Draft]     21:47_  
_Is that good night then? It doesn’t have to be,_  
_but if you’d prefer_

John     21:48  
Maybe I could come back up for a while. Watch  
the late night shows with you. Raid the nurses  
station for a snack neither of us should be  
eating. If you’re interested?

_[Draft]     21:49_  
_Yes._

_[Draft]     21:49_  
_You actually want to spend the night here with_  
_me?_

_[Draft]     21:50_  
_You really don’t have to just because I’m bored._  
_It’s not so bad that you need to worry I’ll get_  
_myself into trouble._

_[Draft]     21:52_  
_Kind of feels like it used to, back when we_

[Sent]     21:54  
Bring that bottle of wine that’s been tucked  
away in the cupboard for so long. We can  
have a drink and celebrate my last night here.

John     21:56  
You can’t drink on those antibiotics.

John     21:56  
Not more than an ounce or two anyway.  
Wine in a meds cup?

[Sent]     21:57  
Fine. Wouldn’t want to upset my doctor on my  
last night here.

_[Draft]     22:00_  
_Are you really coming?_

John     22:01  
I’m getting a cab alright? Don’t fall asleep before  
I get there.

[Sent]     22:02  
Of course I won’t. Don’t forget the wine. And  
the skull. He should be in on this celebration,  
too.

John     22:02  
The skull can wait. Just us tonight. Be there soon.

[Sent]     22:03  
Just us. Just like old times.

_[Draft]     22:03_  
_Maybe it can be that way again. Maybe it’s not_  
_so impossible that you would choose_

[Sent]     22:04  
See you soon, John.


	139. John - Text Thread with Mary Morstan

[Sent]     18:05  
Sherlock’s parents have invited us out to theirs  
for Christmas. I would like it if you would come.

_[Draft]     18:07_   
_I know you’ve read this by now. You always_   
_read them right away, don’t you? Was that a_   
_clue I was missing?_

_[Draft]     18:25_   
_How many of them were from the baby’s real_   
_father? How many of them were from clients,_   
_contracts, people whose dirty work you were_   
_doing?_

_[Draft]     18:31_   
_Answer me. Come on, take it. I’m offering. All_   
_you have to do is take it, and we’ll have you._

Mary     18:39  
Holiday with the Holmeses. Can’t think why that  
might be awkward.

Mary     18:40  
I haven’t heard from you in three months, and  
now you’re inviting me to Christmas with his  
family. I don’t really know what to make of that.

_[Draft]     18:42_   
_Have you always been this cold? I can hardly_   
_remember you._

[Sent]     18:47  
I’m inviting you to spend the holiday with me,  
not with them. That’s where I’m going, and I’d  
like if you came with me.

[Sent]     18:48  
You knew I would need some time to sort  
through things, and I won’t apologise for it.  
I had a lot to think about these last few months,  
but I’ve thought about it all. I’ve thought about  
it a lot. And I’d like you to come to Christmas  
with me.

[Sent]     18:51  
They’re out near Cornwall, a bit. Sherlock says  
its really peaceful. I thought it’d be nice to get  
out of the city for a day or two.

Mary     18:58  
I’d love to honestly but I’m not sure I can.  
Being pregnant and all. And having to sort out  
the nursery by myself these last months, and  
all the appointments...I’m just tired all the time.  
Why don’t you come home for a night or two  
and we can talk about things here?

[Sent]     19:01  
I can’t leave Sherlock alone here for a night. He’s  
only just got home a few days ago.

_[Draft]     19:03_   
_Come on, apologise. You could, right now. I’ve_   
_brought it up, now you should apologise. If you_   
_really meant an apology, you’d say it now._

Mary     19:07  
Oh I see. Sherlock, of course, should take  
precedence. A hired nurse wouldn’t quite have  
the same personal touch, would they?

_[Draft]     19:09_   
_Oh you knew, didn’t you. This whole time I bet._   
_That shot really was meant for me this whole_   
_time. I did this to him in more ways than one._   
_You knew what I was like when he was dead,_   
_and you wanted me to be that man again._

_[Draft]     19:10_   
_You didn’t win though. You didn’t take him away._   
_And now you’ve given me the drive to make it_   
_right, and I will. I’m going to erase you from our_   
_lives._

[Sent]     19:14  
Well you’re not giving birth between now  
and Christmas, so yes, his medical needs do  
take some precedence. And you know what he’s  
like. Hard to find a nurse we can trust with him.

[Sent]     19:16  
It’s not about where I am right now. I want to  
be at Christmas with you, and I’m asking you to  
come, and then we’ll have a chance to talk then  
about where I’m going to be after Christmas.

[Sent]     19:17  
So will you come? Please.

Mary     19:27  
Alright. I’ll come. Text me the details.


	140. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

[Sent]     10:33  
Morning, I just stepped out for a walk while you  
were taking a nap. Text me right away when  
you wake up though and I’ll come back okay? I  
won’t go too far, I just needed to get some air.

_[Draft]     10:35_   
_I know the flat’s under surveillance. I need to_   
_get used to leaving you there, I guess._

_[Draft]     10:39_   
_I’m going to miss this, you know._

_[Draft]     10:42_   
_I need to go back to Mary, you were right. Just_   
_until the baby’s born, then Mycroft will be able_   
_to step in. Then the baby and I will go out on our_   
_own and she’ll be extradited._

_[Draft]     10:49_   
_I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you for_   
_days. I hate it when you’re right. I hate it even_   
_more when you’re upset that you’re right, and I_   
_think you will be, even if you say you’re not._

Sherlock     10:54  
Isn’t it a little cold for a walk?

[Sent]     10:55  
Christ yes. I should’ve stolen the gloves out of  
your coat. I thought you’d sleep a lot longer but  
I’m on my way back.

Sherlock     10:58  
You should have opened Harry’s gift early. Then  
you could have had your own gloves to wear.

[Sent]     10:59  
Ha. Next time let me know in advance when my  
Christmas gifts are particularly useful, will you?  
How are you feeling?

Sherlock     11:00  
Still a bit stiff, but that’s nothing new.

Sherlock     11:01  
Where are you? If you’re by that new cafe you  
found last week, you could bring back a pastry  
or two. My doctor keeps telling me I need to eat  
more.

[Sent]     11:03  
I could stop, yeah, but your doctor thinks you  
should have a panini or a sandwich or  
something. One pastry and a panini, what do  
you say? Chocolate or apple?

Sherlock     11:05  
If I must. Apple.

[Sent]     11:06  
Any preference on the panini?

Sherlock     11:08  
Get whatever you like, and I’ll eat half of yours.

[Sent]     11:09  
I’ll just get two of everything, shall I? What are  
you doing? Not anything too stressful right?

_[Draft]     11:10_   
_This is one of the things I’m going to miss, right_   
_here. Eating together._

Sherlock     11:12  
Talking to Wiggins. He needs help with a thing.

[Sent]     11:12  
No he doesn’t. Tell him to shove off Sherlock.  
You just got out of hospital.

[Sent]     11:13  
I’m serious.

[Sent]     11:14  
I don’t want to worry about you any more than I  
have to these last couple of days, okay? Don’t  
get involved with him.

_[Draft]     11:14_   
_No more drugs, Sherlock. Don’t you dare._

Sherlock     11:14  
Don’t worry. It doesn’t require anything but  
what I’m already doing. I don’t even have to  
leave the flat.

Sherlock     11:14  
Well, except for Christmas. I think my mother  
would be quite disappointed if you tried to keep  
me away now.

[Sent]     11:16  
No we’re definitely going to Christmas. All of us.  
And Mary’s coming too, so keep your nose  
clean for a few days, alright?

_[Draft]     11:16_   
_Fuck I_

[Sent]     11:17  
I’ve been thinking about some things and I think  
Christmas will be a good time. I’ve been trying  
to sort out how to tell you, I didn’t mean to just  
throw it out there. I’m almost done at this cafe,  
okay, I’m on my way back.

_[Draft]     11:20_   
_Fuck. I had wanted to tell you in person. I’m_   
_sorry._

Sherlock     11:23  
I don’t know why you were worried, John. She’s  
your wife. It’s fine if she comes along. It’s all  
fine. Whatever you want.

_[Draft]     11:24_   
_It’s not fine, don’t say it’s fine_

[Sent]     11:27  
I know it’s not ideal but I’m trying to do the best  
thing for all of us, and she’s pregnant so the  
options are pretty limited.

Sherlock     11:29  
Of course. They’re your family.

[Sent]     11:30  
It’s going to be fine, all right? Trust me on this.  
Please.

_[Draft]     11:34_   
_Say something. Tell me what you’re thinking._

Sherlock     11:35  
I always trust you.

Sherlock     11:35  
Do stop worrying.

[Sent]     11:36  
Okay. Thanks. I’m coming in the door  
downstairs, it’s just me. Come get your panini.


	141. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

John     10:33  
Morning, I just stepped out for a walk while you   
were taking a nap. Text me right away when you   
wake up though and I’ll come back okay? I won’t   
go too far, I just needed to get some air.

_[Draft]     10:52_   
_Air? It’s the middle of December. You’ll freeze to_   
_death out there._

_[Draft]     10:52_   
_Did I do something to upset you?_

[Sent]     10:54  
Isn’t it a little cold for a walk?

John     10:55  
Christ yes. I should’ve stolen the gloves out of   
your coat. I thought you’d sleep a lot longer but   
I’m on my way back.

[Sent]     10:58  
You should have opened Harry’s gift early. Then   
you could have had your own gloves to wear.

John     10:59  
Ha. Next time let me know in advance when my   
Christmas gifts are particularly useful, will you?   
How are you feeling?

[Sent]     11:00  
Still a bit stiff, but that’s nothing new.

[Sent]     11:01  
Where are you? If you’re by that new cafe you   
found last week, you could bring back a pastry   
or two. My doctor keeps telling me I need to eat   
more.

John     11:03  
I could stop, yeah, but your doctor thinks you   
should have a panini or a sandwich or   
something. One pastry and a panini, what do   
you say? Chocolate or apple?

[Sent]     11:05  
If I must. Apple.

John     11:06  
Any preference on the panini?

[Sent]     11:08  
Get whatever you like, and I’ll eat half of yours.

John     11:09  
I’ll just get two of everything, shall I? What are   
you doing? Not anything too stressful right?

_[Draft]     11:11_   
_Working on a case._

[Sent]     11:12  
Talking to Wiggins. He needs help with a thing.

John     11:12  
No he doesn’t. Tell him to shove off Sherlock.   
You just got out of hospital.

John     11:13  
I’m serious.

John     11:14  
I don’t want to worry about you any more than I   
have to these last couple of days, okay? Don’t   
get involved with him.

[Sent]     11:14  
Don’t worry. It doesn’t require anything but   
what I’m already doing. I don’t even have to   
leave the flat.

[Sent]     11:14  
Well, except for Christmas. I think my mother   
would be quite disappointed if you tried to keep   
me away now.

John     11:16  
No we’re definitely going to Christmas. All of us.   
And Mary’s coming too, so keep your nose clean   
for a few days, alright?

John      11:17  
I’ve been thinking about some things and I think   
Christmas will be a good time. I’ve been trying   
to sort out how to tell you, I didn’t mean to just   
throw it out there. I’m almost done at this cafe,   
okay, I’m on my way back.

_[Draft]     11:18_   
_Oh_

_[Draft]     11:18_   
_You’re going back to her. After she sho_

_[Draft]     11:20_   
_Of course you’re choosing to go back. Don’t_   
_know what I was thinking believing there was_   
_ever any chance you might stay. Why would_   
_you? I’m not_

[Sent]     11:23  
I don’t know why you were worried, John. She’s   
your wife. It’s fine if she comes along. It’s all  
fine. Whatever you want.

_[Draft]     11:23_   
_It makes things easier I suppose, not having to_   
_wonder anymore. All that useless hope._

John     11:27  
I know it’s not ideal but I’m trying to do the best   
thing for all of us, and she’s pregnant so the   
options are pretty limited.

[Sent]     11:29  
Of course. They’re your family.

John     11:30  
It’s going to be fine, all right? Trust me on this.   
Please.

_[Draft]     11:31_   
_Of course it’s going to be fine. You’re going to_   
_be fine. I’ll make sure of that. You and Mary and_   
_the baby will all be fine. No one is going to_   
_threaten you anymore. I’m going to take care of_   
_that, and then you’ll all be fine. Fine fine fine._   
_Fine for you, fine for me ok not fine for me but if_   
_you’re fine then I’ll be fine enough fine just fine_

_[Draft]     11:34_   
_I do trust you. You’re the only one who can_   
_decide what you want. It was your choice to_   
_make, and I will respect your decision._

[Sent]     11:35  
I always trust you.

[Sent]     11:35  
Do stop worrying.

John     11:36  
Okay. Thanks. I’m coming in the door   
downstairs, it’s just me. Come get your panini.

_[Draft]     11:36_   
_Not hungry_


	142. Sherlock - Text Thread with Wiggins

[Sent]    3:17   
You’ll need to prep for another guest for    
Christmas dinner.

Wiggins     5:21   
Expecting company?

[Sent]    5:21   
John’s wife is joining us.

Wiggins     5:24   
Isn’t she the one what shot you?

Wiggins     5:24   
Think that sounds a bit awkward.

[Sent]    5:25   
Fortunately, I’m not paying you to think. Just be    
prepared.

[Sent]    5:25   
And don’t forget that she’s pregnant, so her    
dosage will need to be adjusted.

Wiggins     5:27   
You’re the boss.

[Sent]    5:29   
Double check all your calculations. I don’t want    
any mistakes.

Wiggins     5:30   
Don’t have to remind me. I do have a bit of    
experience with this you know.

[Sent]    5:30   
Yes, but I would imagine you don’t spend your    
time sedating very many pregnant women.

[Sent]    5:30   
Double check everything. No mistakes. Nothing    
can happen to John’s child.

[Sent]    5:31   
Nothing

[Sent]    5:31   
Understand?

Wiggins     5:34   
Yeah alright, keep calm there Shezza

Wiggins     5:34   
I’ll check it twice. Nothing’ll happen to the little one.

[Sent]    5:35   
And you’ll have to stay there and monitor them.

Wiggins     5:37   
That’s not what we agreed to.

[Sent]    5:38   
That was before there was an unborn child involved.

[Sent]    5:38  
You will stay and keep watch over them. If there   
are any signs of distress at all, you will call  
emergency services. You will not risk a single  
hair on that child’s head.

[Sent]    5:39  
If you do, there will be nowhere that you can   
hide that I will not find you.

[Sent]    5:39   
Are we clear?

Wiggins     5:40   
Crystal


	143. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes

Mycroft     21:14  
Security is ready, at my parents and at your flat,  
should anything go wrong. The rest is up to you.  
Are you ready to undertake this?

[Sent]    21:15  
Yes. I’m ready.

Mycroft     21:17  
And you’re certain this is the way you want to  
do it? We have options.

[Sent]    21:18  
Do we have any other options that would hold  
her here until the baby is born?

Mycroft     21:21  
No.

Mycroft    21:21  
But arrangements can be made for the child’s  
care in any country. You know that. You are not  
solely responsible for this child’s care.

[Sent]    21:22  
Have you found the real father yet?

Mycroft     21:22  
Awaiting results.

[Sent]    21:29  
Yes, I’m sure I want to do it this way.

[Sent]    21:30  
It’s not just about responsibility, you know.  
It’s not down to just who has the most  
obligation. It’s not this baby’s fault.

Mycroft    21:31  
It’s not yours either, John.

 _[Draft]     21:32_  
_It really is. If I had just forgiven him, gone home_  
_when he came back, if I hadn’t_

_[Draft]     21:33  
What was I trying to prove?_

Mycroft     21:34  
What did you tell Sherlock?

[Sent]    21:37  
Nothing. I think it’s safer for him that he doesn’t  
know yet. I’ll tell him as soon as I’m able.

Mycroft     21:39  
You realise what this will look like to him, for  
you to forgive the person that shot him. What it  
will look like that I do not stop this from  
happening.

 _[Draft]     21:42_  
_I know. I hate it. I hate myself for doing this_  
_to him. I HATE myself okay? I hate myself for_  
_putting him through more of this but I can do_  
_this and end it and save him and I don’t matter_  
_if that’s what it takes and that’s what_

[Sent]    21:44  
Yes.

[Sent]    21:44  
But if I do this, I can protect Sherlock from her.  
She won’t come after him again, if I’m with her.  
If I can do this for just a few weeks, it will be over.  
Really truly entirely over.

Mycroft     21:48  
Pray she believes you.

[Sent]    21:49  
She’s a narcissist. Of course she’ll believe me.

[Sent]    21:50  
Thank you for letting me do this. For helping  
me do this.

Mycroft     21:53  
I’m not doing it for you.

[Sent]    21:55  
No. Neither am I.


	144. Sherlock - Messages with Mycroft

Message to prisoner number:         _SO7291_    

Location:     _HMP Thameside_                           

 

_I took the liberty of scheduling you an appointment with my solicitor this afternoon. You are to be offered a deal in lieu of spending your remaining years as a guest of Her Majesty’s Prison Service. Take the deal._

 

* * *

 

HMP THAMESIDE

Message from prisoner number:        _SO7291_      

 

_This is the same offer you asked me to decline at Christmas. And now you want me to take it? Is it safe to assume it has the same resolution as it did then?_

 

* * *

 

Message to prisoner number:        _SO7291_      

Location:           _HMP Thameside_                     

 

_The assignment remains unchanged, as does its likely outcome. It is a risk, but the resolution is still less of a guarantee than if you remain in your current situation._

_Believe me, it is not entirely without hope._

 

* * *

 

HMP THAMESIDE

Message from prisoner number:         _SO7291_     

 

_You told me to decline before, and you told me why. It sounds pretty damn hopeless to me._

  
_If I agree, can I see him before I go?_

 

* * *

 

Message to prisoner number:        _SO7291_      

Location:     _HMP Thameside_                         

 

_I’m certain that arrangements can be made._

 

* * *

 

HMP THAMESIDE

Message from prisoner number:        _SO7291_      

 

_Then make them._

_Don’t tell him what I’m really agreeing to._

 

* * *

 

Message to prisoner number:        _SO7291_      

Location:        _HMP Thameside_                      

 

_Do you intend to tell him yourself?_

 

* * *

 

HMP THAMESIDE

Message from prisoner number:         _SO7291_    

 

_I haven't decided. I don’t want to do this to him again._

_I don’t know what I should tell him._

 

* * *

 

Message to prisoner number:         _SO7291_    

Location:     _HMP Thameside_                         

 

_Perhaps you should tell him the truth for once._

 

* * *

 

HMP THAMESIDE

Message from prisoner number:        _SO7291_      

 

_What good could that possibly do?_

_I’ve hurt him enough.  I can’t put this on him, too._

 

* * *

 

 

Message to prisoner number:      _SO7291_        

Location:        _HMP Thameside_                       

 

_You might be surprised. He may be more ready to hear the truth--the whole truth--than you realise._

_At least consider it, brother dear._

 

* * *

 

HMP THAMESIDE

Message from prisoner number:        _SO7291_      

 

_Just make the arrangements._


	145. John - Letter to Sherlock Holmes, Intercepted and Returned

Sherlock, what the hell were you thinking? Why in the hell would you do this? I had it HANDLED, I had it all sorted and taken care of if you had just been patient for once in your damn life, I was going to fix it. You just had to wait. You just had to let me do this on my own for one, you should have TRUSTED ME.

But you did, didn’t you. 

I said I was going to forgive her and go home, and you trusted me. I knew you would. I knew you would believe me because you always have believed me, and I used that and look at what I did. It’s me that didn’t trust you. I left you out because I thought that would make you safer, I thought if you didn’t know anything you couldn’t make yourself a threat to her and you’d be safer, you just got out of hospital only a week ago and now you are. You are. Prison, and god knows what else, how could you possibly think I would prefer to see you pay for her past? I should have told you everything, and now you’re paying for my mistakes, and I’m sorry. This is my fault, and I’m sorry. I fucked up. I fucked everything up. 

I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you, I swear to god and I know I can’t. I know there’s nothing I can do to make it right. You trusted me and this was the result. I've made you a murderer.

I thought if we could endure this for just a few weeks, after everything we’ve already endured, it would be over and I would come home and then I would tell you everything, I thought I’d already waited so long to say anything that a few more weeks wouldn’t matter and instead you shot someone in the head. Why would you do that? Why would you think I would trade your life for hers? I never want you to do anything for my sake ever again, okay? Just stop. Stop. 

Mycroft says you’re going to accept a deal and go to Eastern Europe on some top secret mission for a few months. I told him that you can’t leave without knowing. You have to know everything. I lied to protect you and the baby in order to trap Mary. The baby isn’t even mine. Her real father wants her, David, you remember, that boring bloke Mary used to date? He’s a fucking wanker but Mycroft checked and he’s got a good job and a couple of really young nieces and nephews and she’ll be all right with him, and he’ll love her. 

I should have told you everything and here it is. I love you. Sherlock how can you not know. I love you I’m in love with you I love you I love you I love you and you’re in prison and she’s here. I’m here. I don’t want to be here. I love you, and that was the most important thing I thought I had to keep from you in order to protect you, and now you're there and you don't even know. I've never said it out loud, even. Do you know how many times I’ve written it? Dozens. Hundreds, probably, but never out loud, not even to myself. I love you, Sherlock. The fact that I’ve never said it to you, the fact that I’ve known all this time and not managed to say, is the single greatest regret of my life, but I’m going to fix it, do you understand me? I’m going to fix it. You need to hear it. I need to hear it too. I owe you that. I owe us that. 

I just need a few more weeks and then I’m going to come and find you. I’m coming for you, Sherlock, wherever you are. I’m always coming for you. We’re better as a team, you’re better with me on your team. We can do whatever mission Mycroft got for you and we’ll do it together, the way we’re meant to be, and I’m going to love you the way I always should have. Honestly.

No more lies. We do it together from here on out. 

I love you.   
John

 

_Touching, John, if a bit too late. Unfortunately, I cannot pass on such sensitive information to my brother where it may fall into the wrong hands. Prison is not, though we would like to believe it, the most secure place on earth, and I can no longer take any risks on your behalf. It is clear that you are both so blind that neither of you can be trusted to serve each other’s best needs and therefore, I am overriding your bravado with a significantly better plan. I will pick you up outside Mary Morstan’s flat at 03:00 tomorrow for a debriefing. We tried it your way, with disastrous consequences. You will find you have very few options at this point. - Mycroft_


	146. Sherlock - Letter to John (Undelivered)

John, I’m sorry.

For so many things.

I wish I had the courage to tell you about them all, face to face. I wish I had the time. But I don’t. So this will have to do. It will at least be here on paper, and you can read it when I’m gone. I just have to find it in myself to actually give this to you. Or maybe to leave it with Mycroft for you. I don’t know. Can I even do that? I am afraid to hurt you more than I already have, and I’ve never claimed to be the brave one here--that’s always been you. So I suppose if you  are  reading this, it means I must have found my nerve somehow. And if not, then just add it to the long list of things for which I must apologise.

 

Let me start again. John, I’m sorry. I’m sorry to have dragged you into yet more trouble. I’m certain Mycroft should have no problem keeping your record clear of this--I did wait until there were witnesses to be sure you wouldn’t be implicated--but I’m sorry for the inevitable disruption it must be causing as it’s all sorted out. I know you probably want everything to go back to normal as soon as possible. I’m leaving in a few days though, and with that, I assume that your troubles will end. I’ll be out of the way, and you can properly go back to your chosen life with Mary, as you had intended.

I’m sorry for the humiliation Magnussen put you through. Watching him toy with you like that was painful enough. I know that enduring it must have been far worse. And the truth is that for that alone I would have gladly killed him. I would have done it with my bare hands if I could have, just to save you from that. I should never have brought you along. I should have let you stay with Mary and gone on my own and never exposed you to any of this.

I’m sorry that I was wrong, that I didn’t realise about the files. I let you down. Again. Sometimes that seems all I’m capable of doing, no matter how hard I try to do otherwise. ~~I think~~ I hope that what I did will still be enough to protect all three of you from those Magnussen could have contacted with Mary’s whereabouts. You should be safe now. That is all I have ever wanted, John--your safety and happiness--and I hope, if this is to truly be the last thing I can do for you, that I have at least been successful in that.

I’m sorry that I have to go, though I suppose that’s a more selfish kind of regret. The first time I was away, I at least had the luxury of knowing that I was fighting my way back to you. Through everything that I endured, you were the light at the end of the tunnel, the reward for all my sacrifice, the single thought on which I could focus my mind no matter what my body had to endure. This time the only thing I’ll have to fight for is my own life, and I’m fairly certain that’s not worth saving without you to share it. Mycroft estimates I won’t last six months either way, and I don’t think I have it in me to try to prove him wrong. Not this time.

It’s strange, I know, but I had very few regrets before you came into my life. I suppose that in order to have regrets you must feel that you had someone to disappoint with your choices. I didn’t. Until you. Now I find that my list of regrets grows by the day. I’m sorry for a thousand small things. I’m sorry for all the times you asked me to get the milk, and I forgot because I was too focused on something else. I’m sorry for ruining the ending of those terrible detective programmes you like to watch. I’m sorry for criticising your writing, even if you do have a penchant to come up with truly terrible titles for your blog posts. I’m sorry for every minute I spent being rude or inattentive or careless toward you when I could have been trying to make you happy. Perhaps if I had, so very many things would have turned out differently.

I have far too many bigger things to apologise for, too, I know. And I also know that no apology will ever be enough, but please let me at least start to try. I’m sorry that I jumped, that I let Moriarty play me the way he did. I’m sorry for allowing you to believe that I was dead. I’m sorry for not finding a way to take you with me. I’m sorry for not returning sooner. I can’t help but wonder what might have become of us if I had done it all differently. And I know that I hurt you, for which I am more sorry than I can possibly say.

I’m sorry for the future I now won’t be here to see. I’m sorry that I won’t be here to witness the birth of your child, a son or a daughter perhaps with your eyes and Mary’s nose, her cleverness and your strength. I’m sorry that I won’t be able to put to use the knowledge from those baby books I didn’t tell you that I read. But even if I won’t be here to see it, I am certain you will be a good father. I know that you worry, but you’ll never be like your father was, John. You are far too good of a man for that. Your child and your wife will be so lucky to have you in their lives. I wish that I could stay and say the same.

I’m sorry for all of these things and so many more, but what I will regret most of all is going all these years without telling you how I feel. I love you, John, and I’m sorry that I have never said that. Not in the way I truly mean it. I have long thought that there would be no point in saying it because you wouldn’t say it back. I have hoped and dreamed that you might somehow love me the way I love you--and perhaps you did, once, but I ruined that, and you don’t now. I’m sorry for that, too. Sorry that I couldn’t seem to make myself into the kind of man worthy of you. I know now it’s never going to be the two of us, together. I accept that. I’ve always known that I’m meant to be alone. But not you. You have a family to love, and they deserve it far more than I possibly could. And so I have never told you, and for that I am sorry. Because I’ve had time to think about it these last few days, and it isn’t about whether or not you would return the sentiment. The point is that you would know. You would know the truth. The whole truth. You would know that you are loved, that you have meant more to me than any one person has the right to, that there have been days and nights and entire years where your very existence is the only thing that has kept me alive. You did that. With everything that you are, John Watson, you did that. I know you have doubts, John. Doubts about the kind of man you really are. Doubts about the parts of yourself that perhaps aren’t so shiny, the parts of yourself that you don’t always know how to reconcile, the parts that you think you need to hide. But all of those parts  are  you, and they don’t need to be hidden away. They are all beautiful and worthy and, most of all, loved. I love you. All of you. I love you. I have loved you for years. I will love you until I draw my last breath. And so I should tell you. Because you should know. Nearly every single thing that I have done from the first day we met has been for you. I concede it wasn’t always the right thing, but I do believe it was always done for the right reason.

 

I love you, John. And I have to find some way to tell you before I go.

It may very well be the last thing I do.

 

Yours, until the end of my days,

Sherlock


	147. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes

[Sent]     6:27  
Are you sure this is going to work?

Mycroft    6:29  
I am sure this is going to prevent Sherlock from  
leaving the UK today.

Mycroft     6:30  
The rest of it, as you know, I am not certain about  
at all. It is a risk we must be prepared to take.

Mycroft    6:31  
At any rate, we are already in motion. There is  
no turning back now. You should not be texting  
about this from Ms Morstan’s flat.

[Sent]     6:32  
Popped out for a coffee. Does he know?

Mycroft     6:33  
Sherlock knows what he needs to know in  
order for this to work.

[Sent]     6:35  
That’s not good enough. He should know  
everything. Look at how much shit we’ve  
got into already by keeping things from one  
another. You have to tell him.

Mycroft    6:38  
Sherlock’s fate is as of yet out of my hands. I  
cannot give him any information that may be  
extracted from him in the event things do not  
go our way.

[Sent]     6:39  
Damnit Mycroft. You need to tell him.

[Sent]     6:40  
He’s going to think this whole thing is real. He’s  
already afraid of Moriarty, no matter what you  
think. To see his face on telly? to hear his voice  
again? He’ll panic, Mary will panic, and we’ll  
have to play along like some sick horror game  
show.

Mycroft    6:41  
No one is going to panic.

 _[Draft]     6:41_  
_I can’t do this to him_

Mycroft     6:41  
Sherlock will set about solving the case, as he  
usually does. Ms Morstan will look for safety,  
which right now is in you. She is vulnerable at  
this stage of her pregnancy and you already  
know her secret. By the time Sherlock has  
figured out that the video originated from  
within the government itself, Ms Morstan  
will be snug at home with you and several  
guards, ostensibly for your protection.

[Sent]     6:43  
There are too many variables. You’re  
underestimating her.

Mycroft     6:44  
I could arrest her right now, if you prefer, but  
that is not going to stop Sherlock’s flight from  
taking off. His protection is my choice, not yours.

[Sent]     6:45  
Sod this. You ARE the British government,  
you’ve gotten him out of loads of trouble before,  
you’ve gotten ME out of loads of trouble before.  
You helped him fake his death for two years! How  
is it that only now your hands are tied?

Mycroft     6:46  
Because only now are people watching.  
Sherlock shot a defenceless man in front of a  
dozen witnesses. There is no excuse, no  
justification, no legal defence, and with my  
obvious conflict of interest the case was taken  
out of my hands. I don’t control everything,  
despite what he’d have you believe. This is my  
best plan, Doctor Watson, and I’m perfectly  
aware that it is not ideal, but it is surely better  
than seeing my little brother off to his death.

Mycroft    6:48  
You are not the only person involved who is  
afraid of losing him.

_[Draft]     6:54  
I know, it’s just_

_[Draft]     6:57  
I love him and I’ve never said._

_[Draft]     6:58  
He has to hear it said._

Mycroft     7:01  
There will be a car for you and Ms Morstan at  
730AM sharp.

[Sent]     7:02  
Thank you.

[Sent]     7:03  
I’m sorry, by the way. I know you care about him.

[Sent]     7:07  
Bring him back, okay? Whatever it takes. We  
bring him back.

Mycroft     7:08  
I promise everything I can to ensure it.

Mycroft     7:08  
And when this is over, I fully expect that you will  
tell him everything.

[Sent]     7:10  
Of course I will. He’ll need to know as soon as  
possible, don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.

Mycroft     7:11  
No, I mean everything. Tell him everything, or  
I will. He deserves to know that too.

[Sent]     7:14  
Yes. I know. I’m ready.


	148. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

[Sent]     8:43  
Don’t talk about Moriarty in the car with  
everyone. Not everyone needs to know the  
details.      

Sherlock     8:44  
Of course not. I can fill you in later on all the  
important things.

[Sent]     8:46  
I expect I’ll be filling you in for once. Just wait  
until we’re back at Baker Street. I’ll explain  
everything.

Sherlock     8:47  
What do you mean you’ll explain everything?

Sherlock     8:48  
It was Mycroft, obviously. What’s there for you  
to explain?

[Sent]     8:49  
It was both of us. Together. Mycroft and I were  
working together on this. And there’s more.

[Sent]     8:50  
We should’ve told you. I’m sorry. I didn’t think it  
would be so close. He didn’t want to tell you  
anything you didn’t absolutely need to know  
but clearly that was a mistake.

[Sent]     8:51  
For now we need to focus on getting these  
drugs flushed out. Making sure you’re okay.

Sherlock     8:52  
I’m fine. Nothing I haven’t gone through before.

[Sent]     8:54  
I saw the list, I know what those drugs could  
have done. I need to know you’re okay.

Sherlock     8:55  
I told you, it was for the case. It’s done now. I’m  
fine.

[Sent]     8:56  
Stop. Don’t lie to me about this. If you were  
high when you got on the plane, this has  
nothing to do with the case and everything to  
do with all the things I haven’t told you yet. So  
don’t.

[Sent]     8:57  
I’m sorry Sherlock. I should have insisted. But  
you can’t keep doing this. You can’t do things  
like this, you have to stay. You have to stay.

[Sent]     8:57  
I can’t lose you again. We’re so close. Okay? You  
have to stay.

Sherlock     9:01  
I’m sorry, John.

Sherlock     9:03  
I’m sorry.

[Sent]     9:05  
I’m sorry too. I should’ve told you. Just wait  
until we’re home and I’ll explain everything.

Sherlock     9:06  
Home

Sherlock     9:06  
Baker Street?

[Sent]     9:07  
Yeah. Baker Street. We’re almost to Mary’s, so  
we’ll drop her off, we’ll go home, and we’ll talk.  
I’ll be there while you come down off this high,  
and then we’ll finally sort all this out together.

 _[Draft]     9:09_  
_I have so much to tell you, okay? So much that_  
_needs to be said out loud. Please just give me  
the moment to say it. _


	149. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

John     8:43  
Don’t talk about Moriarty in the car with  
everyone. Not everyone needs to know the  
details.    

[Sent]     8:44  
Of course not. I can fill you in later on all the  
important things.

John     8:46  
I expect I’ll be filling you in for once. Just wait  
until we’re back at Baker Street. I’ll explain  
everything.

[Sent]     8:47  
What do you mean you’ll explain everything?

[Sent]     8:48  
It was Mycroft, obviously. What’s there for you  
to explain?

John     8:49  
It was both of us. Together. Mycroft and I were  
working together on this. And there’s more.

_[Draft]     8:50  
You?_

John     8:50  
We should’ve told you. I’m sorry. I didn’t think it  
would be so close. He didn’t want to tell you  
anything you didn’t absolutely need to know  
but clearly that was a mistake.

_[Draft]     8:50  
Why would_

_[Draft]     8:51  
You helped Mycroft?_

John     8:51  
For now we need to focus on getting these  
drugs flushed out. Making sure you’re okay.

[Sent]     8:52  
I’m fine. Nothing I haven’t gone through before.

John     8:54  
I saw the list, I know what those drugs could  
have done. I need to know you’re okay.

[Sent]     8:55  
I told you, it was for the case. It’s done now. I’m  
fine.

John     8:56  
Stop. Don’t lie to me about this. If you were  
high when you got on the plane, this has  
nothing to do with the case and everything to  
do with all the things I haven’t told you yet. So  
don’t.

John     8:57  
I’m sorry Sherlock. I should have insisted. But  
you can’t keep doing this. You can’t do things  
like this, you have to stay. You have to stay.

John     8:57  
I can’t lose you again. We’re so close. Okay? You  
have to stay.

_[Draft]     9:00  
John I_

_[Draft]     9:00  
I didn’t know. I thought I was_

[Sent]     9:01  
I’m sorry, John.

 _[Draft]     9:01_  
_You weren’t supposed to know. I didn’t know_  
_you were going to_

_[Draft]     9:02_   
_I thought it wouldn’t matter. I thought that_

_[Draft]     9:02_  
_I just wanted to be able to tell you. To say it._  
_And then to go and have that be it. You weren’t_  
_supposed to know. There wasn’t supposed to be_  
_an after. I couldn’t face the thought of after. Not_  
_without you._

[Sent]     9:03  
I’m sorry.

John     9:05  
I’m sorry too. I should’ve told you. Just wait  
until we’re home and I’ll explain everything.

[Sent]     9:06  
Home

[Sent]     9:06  
Baker Street?

_[Draft]     9:06  
You still call it home?_

John     9:07  
Yeah. Baker Street. We’re almost to Mary’s, so  
we’ll drop her off, we’ll go home, and we’ll talk.  
I’ll be there while you come down off this high,  
and then we’ll finally sort all this out together.

 _[Draft]     9:07_  
_Together. It’s been quite a while since we’ve_  
_really done anything that way_

 _[Draft]     9:09_  
_You did say there’s always two of us. Well, not_  
_you. But you. And maybe you were right._


	150. John - Surveillance Transcript Record: File No. 10-24-LT: Location 1: Camera 2: 1/1/2015 Tape 2

  
Surveillance Transcription Record

 

CLASSIFIED RECORD

DO NOT COPY

 

The following transcript was taken from Camera 2 of Location 1 on File No. 10-24-LT Grade Three Active on 1st January 2015, Tape 2, between 9:42 a.m. and 12:32 p.m.

Conversation between JOHN HAMISH WATSON (codename: Bachelor) and WILLIAM SHERLOCK SCOTT HOLMES (codename: Bee).

This transcript was prepared using requested names and initials. Authorisation code: MH611174.

 

          TABLE OF CONTENTS

          PAGE 1 WATSON, HOLMES  
          PAGE 3 WATSON  
          PAGE 4 WATSON, HOLMES  
  


For additional transcripts on Camera 2 or Cameras 1, 3, 4, and 5, please contact Surveillance Transcription Services.

 

CLASSIFIED RECORD

DO NOT COPY  


 

 

* * *

PAGE 1  
  


_9:42 AM. SHERLOCK and JOHN come into the flat via the door to the staircase into the sitting room. Both men take off their coats and throw them over the arm of the sofa closest to the door. JOHN turns to SHERLOCK but does not manage to look him in the face._

J: Listen, I know there is a lot to say. But I can’t--I can’t. I can’t talk to you while you’re high. So. We need to take a break here a moment. What do you need? To come down?

S: _[He sighs.]_ Time mostly. Perhaps sleep. Easiest way to pass the time at least.

J: Okay. _[He nods shortly.]_ Go on then. I’ll wait.

S: You’re just going to wait here while I attempt to take a nap?

J: _[Firm but impatient: a commanding officer.]_ No, I’m going to search your flat while you take a nap, and then I’m going to wait. Do you have any on you, or did you leave it in your coat?

S: _[His shoulders and head drop, in embarrassment or defeat.]_ You don’t--There’s no need to search the flat. There’s nothing to find. I didn’t have anything here before we went to my parents’, and it’s not as if I’ve been home since. _[He stops, looks down toward the sofa, and brushes his fingers against the sleeve of his coat. He takes a deep breath and resolutely steps back before he looks at JOHN again.]_ Inner pocket.

_JOHN watches SHERLOCK closely, considering his statement. He gives another nod._

J: Right. _[He looks at the coat and gives a third nod.]_ Thank you. Go on. I’ll be here when you get up.

_SHERLOCK briefly glances at his coat again, then back at JOHN._

S: Okay.

 

* * *

PAGE 2  
  


_SHERLOCK turns and walks into the kitchen and out of view of Camera 2._

_JOHN stands at parade rest looking into the kitchen where SHERLOCK exited the sight of Camera 2._

J: _[Suddenly.]_ Sherlock--thank you, too. For not taking all of it. Whether you didn’t have time or--whatever it was. I’m glad you didn’t.

_A pause: approximately 6 seconds._

S: _[Out of view.]_ I’m--I’m glad you’re here, John.

_JOHN nods and attempts to smile. He appears to be watching SHERLOCK moving through the kitchen [speculation]. 14 minutes and 36 seconds pass in silence as JOHN continues to stand at parade rest._

_10:01 AM. JOHN takes a deep breath and turns away from the kitchen doorframe. He shakes his hands out several times and looks around the sitting room. He approaches SHERLOCK’s coat and slips his hand into an inner pocket, eventually withdrawing three small vials of unidentifiable solution and three individually wrapped syringes. JOHN takes the vials and syringes and walks into the kitchen out of sight of Camera 2._

_10:10 AM. Continued silence. JOHN remains off Camera 2 in the kitchen._

_10:27 AM. Continued silence. JOHN comes from the kitchen into the sitting room and looks at the mirror or fireplace mantel or fireplace area generally. He shakes his head slowly and begins to pace a line between the desk and the doorway to the kitchen._

_10:40 AM. Continued silence. JOHN continues to pace the sitting room._

_10:43 AM. Continued silence. JOHN sits in red armchair and puts his head in his hands._

 

* * *

PAGE 3  
  


_10:50 AM. Continued silence. JOHN remains sitting in red armchair with head in hands. He has not moved since 10:44 AM._

_11:00 AM. Continued silence. JOHN remains sitting in red armchair with head in hands. He has not moved since 10:44 AM._

_11:10 AM. Continued silence. JOHN remains sitting in red armchair with head in hands. He has not moved since 10:44 AM._

_11:20 AM. Continued silence. JOHN remains sitting in red armchair with head in hands. He has not moved since 10:44 AM._

_11:26 AM. JOHN lifts his head and looks at the leather armchair across from him._

J: I suppose we deserve this. We should have told you. Of course we should have. But still, I never thought--I never dreamed you’d--

_JOHN does not finish the sentence. He hunches over to lean his elbows on his knees and press the heel of his palms into his eye sockets._

J: _[Muffled by his hands and arms.]_ Watching you, slipping in and out _[indecipherable]_. Knowing what you were trying to do and wondering if we were too late already. I can’t do it, Sherlock. I can’t do this anymore.

_JOHN looks up again. He sniffs._

J: I need to tell you everything. I need you to do this with me. I don’t know why we keep trying to do things without each other, it’s killing us both. _[Indecipherable]_ need to be honest. I don’t know why that’s so hard, but we need to do it.

_JOHN continues to look at the leather armchair across from him in silence._

_11:40 AM. Continued silence. JOHN continues to look at the armchair across from him. He has not moved since 11:31 AM._

_11:42 AM. Continued silence. JOHN sits back into the red armchair and continues to look at the armchair across from him.  
_

 

* * *

PAGE 4  
  


_11:50 AM. Continued silence. JOHN continues to look at the armchair across from him. He has not moved since 11:42 AM._

_11:59 AM. JOHN turns in the red armchair and looks behind him toward something Camera 2 cannot see in the kitchen or beyond. He wipes his face and stands, turning to face the doorway to the kitchen._

_12:02 PM. SHERLOCK enters from the kitchen and stops in the doorway._

J: Hi.

S: Hi.

_A pause: approximately 56 seconds._

J: Feeling better, then?

S: Clearer, yes. _[He tilts his head side to side, considering.]_ Better is debatable.

J: Clearer. You’ve. Come down, you mean. From the high.

S: _[Obviously embarrassed.]_ Yes. _[He shrugs and attempts to smile, but it fades before fully forming.]_ Good as new.

J: I don’t think anyone comes back from that good as new. Not really. Not from what you were trying to do.

_SHERLOCK looks down, looks at the sofa, looks at the desk. He does not look at JOHN and instead shuffles his feet._

S: John, I-- _[He does not finish his sentence.]_

 

* * *

PAGE 5  
  


J: _[Whispering angrily.]_ I have already had to do this once, Sherlock, and I can’t-- _[His voice breaks.]_ I can’t do this again. What were you _thinking?_ _[Emphasis spoken.]_

S: I--I wasn’t trying to--

J: _[Interrupting.]_ Yes you were. I saw your list. I’ve seen you do it before, even.

S: No, I wasn’t trying to, to do that to _you_. _[Emphasis spoken.]_ I just--You, you wouldn’t have known. _[Laughing - bitter or unamused.]_ It was a suicide mission. I was supposed to die out there.

J: You were _supposed_ to trust me. _[Emphasis spoken.]_ I just needed ten minutes, Sherlock, that was it, just to make it look like that mission was going to go through. Ten minutes. And you almost--almost--you didn’t even give us a chance.

S: I didn’t--I didn’t know. Why would I think--No one’s ever--

_SHERLOCK huffs, possibly frustrated, and he stares at JOHN for approximately 23 seconds. During that time, he appears to grow confused._

S: Why? Why would you risk that for me?

J: Why would I try to interrupt your suicide mission and bring you home? Seems a bit obvious, doesn’t it?

_Another pause: approximately 39 seconds._

J: Look, I know that I haven’t always gotten it right. I know I haven’t always been there when you needed me. I know that this whole thing with Mary has muddied the waters. But-- _[He lowers his head and pinches the bridge of his nose, taking several deep breaths.]_ Of course I would. For you. To protect you. Of course. I always would. Every time. Whatever I needed to do.

 

* * *

PAGE 6  
  


S: _[Very softly, with a small shake of his head as if in disbelief.]_ Why?

_JOHN takes a deep breath and tries to smile and fails. He looks at SHERLOCK for a moment and then appears to make a decision, gives a short nod. He steps in a little closer to SHERLOCK. They could be touching, if one of them reached out._

J: I love you. That’s why. I love you. And I can’t possibly lose you again.

_SHERLOCK stares. A pause: approximately 12 seconds before he blinks, then he blinks several times in rapid succession. JOHN is silent. SHERLOCK then takes a big, shaky breath._

S: _[Whispering.]_ John? You--?

J: Yeah. I mean, the proper way. I’m _in_ love with you. Just so that’s, um. Clear. I mean it _that_ way. _[Emphasis spoken.]_

_SHERLOCK swallows audibly. He opens his mouth, closes it, swallows again. He squeezes his hands together; they are shaking._

S: You mean. You’re--You--Love? Me?

J: Yeah. _[Obviously becoming concerned at SHERLOCK’S reaction.]_ Sorry, I--I don’t mean to scare you. You asked why, so, um. There it is. I’m not asking anything of you. Well, to live, I am asking you to live. But um. Yeah, I love you. Have for a while, I think.

S: _[Very quiet.]_ Seventeen hundred and ninety-eight days.

J: Seventeen hundred--? What do you mean?

S: That’s-- _[He takes a deep breath and then looks JOHN in the eye.]_ That’s how long I’ve loved you.

 

* * *

PAGE 7  
  


_A pause: approximately 7 seconds._

J: Ah. _[High giggle.]_ That sounds like a very long time.

S: _[Half-laughing, half-sobbing. He may be crying; video quality is unclear.]_ It is.

J: That’s--that’s. _[A pause: approximately 5 seconds.]_ That must be almost five years?

S: Four years, eleven months, and three days actually. _[A short, nervous laugh.]_ But um, yes. It’s--That’s the-- _[He visibly swallows.]_ The day we met.

J: Well. Since the beginning. _[His eyebrows raise as the corners of his mouth tilt down in consideration. He blows out a large breath.]_ Since the start. I’ve--I-- _[He sniffs. He may be tearing up; video quality is unclear.]_ Well. The same. I’m the same. I’ve--I’ve always.

_SHERLOCK half-laughs and half-sobs again and now tears are visible on his cheeks. SHERLOCK and JOHN look at each other in wonder or disbelief. A pause: approximately 9 seconds._

S: I don’t--What does this. Mean? _[He dips his chin, possibly embarrassed.]_ I don’t know. I’ve never--

J: _[Very quietly.]_ Come here.

_JOHN holds out his hand. SHERLOCK takes it with a visibly shaky hand and shuffles a little closer. JOHN puts his palm to SHERLOCK’s cheek, looks at him in wonder or disbelief, and then he leans in and gently, almost hesitantly kisses SHERLOCK. When they part, a low sound, possibly a sob, catches in SHERLOCK’s throat._

J: _[Whispering.]_ Are you okay? Is this okay?

 

* * *

PAGE 8  
  


S: _[Visibly swallows. Whispering.]_ Yes. _[A pause: approximately 3 seconds.]_ Please.

_JOHN kisses SHERLOCK again. And again. And again._

_Approximately 2 minutes and 48 seconds pass in this fashion. When they draw apart JOHN and SHERLOCK smile at one another before SHERLOCK becomes serious or solemn._

S: _[Nervously.]_ John, I--I don’t--I know this probably isn’t the, um, the best time. Though I don’t know when the best time would be. And I don’t, I don’t want to spoil the mood. Though I probably have already. And I’m sorry about that. But. Um. What--What about--?

J: _[Interrupting.]_ Shh. Sh. I know, I know. I have so much to tell you--all of it. Everything. I should have told you--I thought I was protecting you and I was wrong, Sherlock. We have to do this together from here out, okay? No more lies. No more keeping each other in the dark.

S: _[Scrutinizing JOHN for a moment before giving a single nod. Quietly.]_ Okay. Yes. _[Louder and firmer.]_ Together.

J: Then let’s make a cup of tea, because this is going to take a while.

_JOHN kisses SHERLOCK briefly and then walks off Camera 2 into the kitchen. SHERLOCK touches his fingers to the corner of his mouth where JOHN has just kissed him. He smiles as he looks through the doorway into the kitchen and then walks off Camera 2 into the kitchen as well._


	151. Sherlock - Text Thread with Mycroft

[Sent]     23:21  
I hope you know what you’re doing.

Mycroft     23:23  
Am I to assume then that John has informed   
you of the plan?

[Sent]     23:24  
Obviously.

Mycroft     23:26  
And is that all he had to say?

[Sent]     23:26  
What John and I discussed is none of your   
business.

Mycroft     23:27  
Then far be it from me to ask you to betray your   
confidences. However, allow me to at least tell   
you how happy I am for you, Sherlock.

_[Draft]     23:27_   
_Happy? When have you ever been happy for_   
_me?_

Mycroft     23:28  
I know you often think the worst of me, but I do   
want what’s best for you. And as much of a   
mess as it has led to, it does appear that John is   
what’s best.

Mycroft     23:29  
Our ongoing plan isn’t the easiest resolution to   
the matter, but it is the one that John has   
chosen, and I have agreed because it is the one   
which will ultimately lead to the best outcome   
for both of you. I am doing all I can to ensure its   
success.

_[Draft]     23:31_   
_But he’s there, in their home. If she knows, if she_   
_even suspects, she could end this before you_   
_even have a chance to move._

_[Draft]     23:31_   
_What if something happens? What if_

_[Draft]     23:31_   
_That can’t be the only time he says it. That can’t_   
_be the only time._

Mycroft     23:32  
I know you dislike that he has to return to her,   
but trust that I am doing everything possible to   
keep him from harm. He will return to you when   
it is done. Even if you don’t trust me, trust him.

[Sent]     23:58  
Thank you.

Mycroft     23:59  
You’re welcome.

Mycroft     23:59  
Welcome home, little brother.


	152. Sherlock - Email Thread with John

_ Draft to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 2 Jan, 12:11 _

Do you think it’s safe enough to email you here? I thought this might be better than texting you at least. I know Mary reads your texts sometimes, and I didn’t want her to see anything that could put you in harm’s way or give away the plan obviously. 

I need to talk to you. I’m not even certain exactly what for. Should probably make up some excuse. Text you that the flat is on fire or something, give me a reason, I don’t know. I just know that after yesterday, it seems harder than it was before to be out of contact. Are you okay? Does she suspect anything about our conversation yesterday? You have to be careful. More so than you ever have. You have to be careful. You have to come home. You must.

I don’t know if I’m allowed to say certain things to you now, whenever I like. Am I? Is that how this works now? I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t, it probably isn’t safe for either of us to say that yet. You do know what I mean though, don’t you? Even if I can’t say it, know that I’m thinking it. I’m always thinking it.

 

**_Sent to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 2 Jan, 12:26_ **

We both know that our target can read texts all too easily, so I thought email might be a somewhat more secure way to communicate, though we probably still shouldn’t include any sensitive information here. In your surveillance of the target, have you noticed any signs that they are aware of yesterday’s new developments? Are we still to proceed as planned?

 

**_Received from john.h.watson@nhs.net, 2 Jan, 13:13_ **

I know you’re nervous, Sherlock, but I’m okay, I swear. Trust Mycroft’s security measures. We have to, or we’ll both go mad. 

But no, I don’t think she’s noticed. She is, after all, a bit busy with being pregnant. I told her that you had a hard time coming down and that we’d fought a bit, so when I fell asleep on the sofa it just seemed like I was too exhausted to make it any further. 

Leaving last night was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, you know. I hope you’re all right. I hope you’re not going through much of withdrawal. You can call me if you do, you know. She’d probably be expecting that. 

Got to run--patient. Tell me what you’re doing today. I want to know.

 

**_Sent to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 2 Jan, 14:04_ **

Sleeping mostly. Or trying to. Didn’t get much last night--fairly typical for that stage of the process--but today is the fatigue, headache, dehydration. Again, nothing I wouldn’t have expected. Not pleasant. But not a surprise.

You slept on the sofa? Why? That can’t be good for your shoulder.

 

Are you certain she doesn’t know your password or have other easy access to this account? Your password isn’t written next to your laptop or something, is it? This email logged in on your phone? Anything like that? We shouldn’t do anything that might endanger you.

 

**_Received from john.h.watson@nhs.net, 2 Jan, 16:54_ **

I changed the password when I got your first email and no, I didn’t write it down, either. It’s only on my work computer--that’ll limit communication, unfortunately, but I think it’s safer if it’s not accessible on anything she might pick up while I’m in the shower or something. I’ll keep changing the password as often as I can, and as long as we occasionally send a few texts back and forth about cases or whatever, she shouldn’t be suspicious. 

Besides, it’s not as though I can just not talk to you for the next month. I can’t do this without knowing you’re there. 

I know that’s selfish and asking too much of you and that you didn’t really understand why I’m doing this. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s hard to explain, even to myself. But I still think I’m doing the right thing--the baby doesn’t deserve to pay for the crimes of her mother and I want to give her a fighting chance. A chance to be free of all this. A chance to grow up and be happy. I wasn’t happy growing up, I think you know that. But she could be. Isn’t that worth protecting? The idea that something good could come out of this? 

It’ll be over soon. Very soon.

As for sleeping on the sofa, it makes my shoulder stiff but it doesn’t hurt much, not if it’s just for one night. I don’t believe for an instant that you don’t know why I was sleeping there, though. You’re cleverer than that. I slept on the sofa because I couldn’t sleep where I wanted to: next to you. Obviously.

 

**_Sent to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 2 Jan, 16:58_ **

You want that?

With me, I mean?

 

**_Received from john.h.watson@nhs.net, 5 Jan, 10:29_ **

That was the longest weekend of my life. How are you, how are you doing? The withdrawal? What did you do this weekend?

And as to your question: yes. I want everything with you. If you want it, I want it. Anything. 

And if you don’t want it, that’s okay too. I’ve felt this way a very long time already without it and nothing is going to change that.

 

_ Draft to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 5 Jan, 13:04 _

Seriously? When you say everything, do you really mean everything? Because I honestly wasn’t sure you would want that. I admit I had hoped, but I didn’t know. I had determined that you’re likely not altogether inexperienced with men, but your relationship history in the time I have known you has consisted solely of women, so I thought perhaps you weren’t interested in a relationship of that nature with a man again or perhaps it was just a so-called phase before or perhaps you might not have a problem with men in general but would with me specifically. I don’t know. I’m not what most people would consider a first choice as a friend much less a partner, in any sense of the word. I had thought that the odds you might ever reciprocate my affections were so low as to be zero for all practical purposes. The thought that you would want anything more than that was certainly laughable. Yet you never fail to surprise me, John. And now here we are and you’ve declared yourself and you’ve all but said you’re interested in a physical relationship, too, and I suppose I should stop being surprised by any of this, but it’s not something of which I am in any way accustomed to being on the receiving end. But yes, if that is what you want, that is what I want as well. As you said, I want everything. And I do mean everything. I want to have you home again. I want to be able to kiss you whenever I’d like. I want to share the sofa and share a bed. I want to row over whose turn it is to buy the milk. I want your face to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. I want to know that when I need you, you’ll already be here. I want to be there when you need me. I want to rub your shoulder when it’s stiff. I want to bring you tea when you’re upset. I want to wrap my arms around you when you’ve had a nightmare. I want to taste it when you laugh, when you moan, when you say my name in the darkness. I want to kiss and lick and touch every single inch of you, and I want you to do the same to me. I want to feel the weight of you above me, the slide of your skin against mine. I want to know how you look, how you sound, how you taste when you’re lost in pleasure. I want to know how it feels when you’re insi

 

**_Sent to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 5 Jan, 14:16_ **

I’m fine. I told you, it’s nothing I haven’t been through before. You don’t have to worry. Some of the symptoms are already fading. A few more days and I’ll be fine.

The weekend involved more sleep and looking over a few cold cases from Lestrade. I’m sure you’re very sorry you missed all the fun.

 

And yes. Me, too. Everything.

 

**_Received from john.h.watson@nhs.net, 6 Jan, 7:22_ **

God, Sherlock. I need to see you. Tonight. With all this going on, and it’s your birthday--I need to be there. No more birthdays without each other, I think. So pick a case, find a reason. You desperately need to investigate the new Greek place three streets over you told me about last November. It must be very important. You should text me about it. I can pretend to hem and haw over whether to go, and blame the drugs and ask if she’ll mind and promise to make it up to her. Or we can just walk around and check in with your street contacts, see if there’s anything going on. Or we can stay in and I’ll make the chicken tetrazzini with peas just the way you like, and if she asks I’ll tell her the client you were expecting never showed.

There are so many things I want to write here just now and I can’t. Fill in the blanks for me, will you? Just for now. Tonight I’ll tell you in person. I just want to see you, make sure you’re okay. Spend some time out of this house. Spend some time somewhere I can be comfortable for a while. Text me, give me a reason.

 

**_Sent to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 7 Jan, 10:43_ **

Thank you again for the cake. I wasn’t sure you’d remember that it’s my favourite. 

It was good to see you last night, and I don’t like that our opportunities to see each other are so limited, but it’s probably best we don’t do that too often--I wouldn’t want her to get suspicious. I hope that she didn’t bother you about going back so late. If so, I apologise. I shouldn’t have kept you here so long. I should have insisted you return sooner, but admittedly I found it difficult to let you go again once you were here. I know it was only dinner and telly, but it was good to just be in the same room again. I know that is hopelessly sentimental of me; forgive me. But it has been difficult. I don’t like you having to be there, literally living with the threat. I know we must do this, but I don’t like it, John. I can’t wait for it to be over, for you to be safe. And, if it’s not too forward of me to say so, for you to come home again, if that’s where you want to be.

 

**_Received from john.h.watson@nhs.net, 8 Jan, 15:28_ **

It was fine don’t worry. I know how you feel I think. I can’t wait to come home and be there with both feet in the door, without the cloud of something else hanging overhead. It’s always been you, and when I finally come home, it’ll only be you. Worth waiting for, I think.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to write again--busy few days here at the clinic, and the weekend--but text me immediately if you start feeling badly or if you think about going out or if you have a case any higher than a seven. Remember what I told you. 

 

_ Draft to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 8 Jan, 19:33 _

Lestrade just called with a case it’s only a five, borderline six. On my way there now. I wanted to text you to meet me, but I know that’s risky. I shouldn’t ask you to spend more time away from her than necessary. But I don’t like going without you. If only you were home already. If only you had never left. 

If only I had never left.

 

_ Draft to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 11 Jan, 23:54 _

I know you’re going to ask about what I’ve done the last few days. The case Lestrade called me in for on Thursday turned out to only be a four. Disappointing. And not much of a distraction. No other cases this weekend. No promising emails from clients either. Mostly worked on a few experiments I’ve been putting off. Composed a little. Had tea with Mrs Hudson. 

Okay, if I’m being honest, I mostly laid on the couch and hoped you’d text. Stupid, I know. If I’m being really honest, I also smoked 3 cigarettes. Okay, 6. Fine, 11. 

13

I don’t like this. I hate it actually. I know it’s necessary. And it isn’t selfish of you to want to give this little girl a chance, to want to--as you said--make something good come out of all this. I know that it’s the right thing to do, and you are nothing if not an honorable man. But that only makes it worse that I’m here wishing you were home instead. It isn’t right that I should want you here when you’re there doing something selfless and good, but I hate that you’re there with her. I hate not knowing that you’re okay. I hate that you told me the truth and now we have to go back to pretending to believe in the lies. I don’t quite know how to do that. I don’t know how to just pretend that you didn’t say the things you said, that I didn’t say the things I said. And I don’t know how to do this. Any of this. I don’t know what I’m allowed to say, what I’m allowed to do. You gave me very specific directions to text you, but what about outside of those conditions? What if I just want to talk to you? What if I need to? Before, I would have just done it. I’ve never given a damn what was right, what was acceptable. But now I find myself second-guessing everything. I don’t want to say something to frighten you away. I don’t want to say something to put you in danger. I don’t want to say or do anything that might destroy even this little bit of something that we have here. And I don’t like being uncertain. I don’t like questioning my own thoughts, my own actions. But most of all, I don’t like the silence--the silence from you, the silence in the flat, the silence in my own head. It’s

 

_ Draft to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 12 Jan, 3:42 _

I hate this how am I supposed to keep doing this for days weeks

 

_ Draft to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 12 Jan, 5:21 _

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you

 

**_Received from_ ** **_john.h.watson@nhs.net_ ** **_, 12 Jan, 8:09_ **

It was a very busy weekend. Seems silly to be going through with all this but I have to keep up appearances. I think I should’ve risked a text or two to you, though--I was hoping I’d come in this morning to an email or two. What did you do this weekend? No cases? How are you feeling? 

If I don’t hear from you I’ll stop over tonight. 

 

**_Received from_ ** **_john.h.watson@nhs.net_ ** **_, 12 Jan, 16:47_ **

Will you just text me something so I know you’re all right? I know I told you I wouldn’t be able to get onto my email over the weekend, I don’t know if you took that to mean I didn’t want to hear from you? I do though. I can’t stop over, I’m sorry, Mary texted that she made a special dinner and I can’t miss it. Text me though?

 

**_Sent to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 13 Jan, 2:38_ **

Lestrade came by with a case this morning. Nothing too thrilling, but I just got home. Mrs Hudson left me a note saying you called her to check on me. My apologies for making you worry. I’ll try to remember to check my email while I’m out next time. 

It’s been a long day. I’m going to go to bed. Perhaps I’ll write more in the morning.

 

**_Received from_ ** **_john.h.watson@nhs.net_ ** **_, 13 Jan, 9:07_ **

Thank you.

I hope you’re all right. 

Two more weeks. That’s it. Two more weeks. Please be patient with me.

 

_ Draft to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 13 Jan, 10:41 _

I’m trying, John. I know I’m still getting it wrong, and I know I’m worrying you and adding stress you don’t really need. I’m terrible at this, at all of this. I don’t know how to reassure you. I don’t even know how to reassure myself. It’s been an entire week since I even saw you. And that was good. Having you home awhile, it was good, but then you had to go back and now I’m back to having to pretend that this isn’t killing me, that I don’t miss you more with every breath, that I don’t worry constantly that it’s all going to slip away. Already, everything you said that day, the things I said, the feel of your lips on mine--it’s all starting to feel like a dream, or like yet another product of the high. I know it wasn’t, or at least I think I do, because you’re still emailing me, still telling me it’ll be over soon, but without you here, I don’t really know. I don’t know. I don’t know, John. Did I make it all up? Did I dream what I wanted to hear from you? Am I still dreaming now? I don’t know

 

**_Sent to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 13 Jan, 18:19_ **

Two more weeks is hardly any time at all, right? I’ll be fine, John. Will you?

 

**_Received from_ ** **_john.h.watson@nhs.net_ ** **_, 14 Jan, 12:37_ **

Yes. I think so. I don’t know. This is so much harder now than it was before.

 

**_Sent to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 16 Jan, 6:22_ **

Are you free this weekend? I could text you and pretend there’s a case, if you wanted.

 

**_Received from_ ** **_john.h.watson@nhs.net_ ** **_, 16 Jan, 13:04_ **

Can’t this weekend. Mary wants to stock up on some last minute things. As if we don’t have enough diapers and bottles already. 

Text me anyway. I like to hear from you.

 

_ Draft to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 18 Jan, 3:55 _

I tried texting you, but you didn’t respond. I waited, but there’s been nothing. 

Is this it? You’ve been back there awhile now--are you going to stay? Have you realised you made a mistake? Realised where you belong? Realised that this isn’t what you want after all? I can’t say I would blame you

 

**_Sent to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 18 Jan, 17:29_ **

I did as you asked, but I suppose Mary is keeping you busy there.

Just wanted to let you know that I’m taking a case for a client. Nothing too difficult. Nothing dangerous. But it might keep me out of contact for a few days.

Be safe, John.

 

**_Received from_ ** **_john.h.watson@nhs.net_ ** **_,_ ** **_20 Jan, 11:09_ **

Sorry I couldn’t get back to you this weekend. How is the case going? What’s it about? 

The baby is due in a week, so I doubt I’ll be in much contact. The clinic is trying to get me to see as many patients as possible before I take off.

Just a week. We’re so close. I’m thinking of you. It’s too risky to say more, but I hope you know what I’m thinking about.

I’m safe. Please be safe too.

 

**_Sent to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 22 Jan, 4:36_ **

The case involved a man, his wife, and interestingly, a pair of dentures. If you come home, maybe someday there’ll be time for me to tell you about it.

I know I probably won’t hear from you, but if you get this, please just be careful. I’m putting my trust in you and my brother that you can pull this off, and I’m certain you can guess how little I like relying on him, even in part. But I trust you. I’ve always trusted you. Just be careful.

 

_ Draft to john.h.watson@nhs.net, 24 Jan, 2:51 _

Please come home. Please. Don’t change your mind. Don’t take it back, leave me here alone again. Honestly, that sounds like the more likely outcome of this scenario, but you did promise. I trust you, I do, and you said you’d come home. So please come home.

I know that I don’t deserve it. I know that I’m never going to be anyone’s idea of a perfect partner, or even a mediocre one, but I promise I will try. For you, I’ll try. Please just come home. Give me the chance to try.


	153. John - Email Thread with Sherlock Holmes

**_Received from s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 2 Jan, 12:26_ **

We both know that our target can read texts all too easily, so I thought email might be a somewhat more secure way to communicate, though we probably still shouldn’t include any sensitive information here. In your surveillance of the target, have you noticed any signs that they are aware of yesterday’s new developments? Are we still to proceed as planned?

 

**_Sent to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 2 Jan, 13:13_ **

I know you’re nervous, Sherlock, but I’m okay, I swear. Trust Mycroft’s security measures. We have to, or we’ll both go mad. 

But no, I don’t think she’s noticed. She is, after all, a bit busy with being pregnant. I told her that you had a hard time coming down and that we’d fought a bit, so when I fell asleep on the sofa it just seemed like I was too exhausted to make it any further. 

Leaving last night was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, you know. I hope you’re all right. I hope you’re not going through much of withdrawal. You can call me if you do, you know. She’d probably be expecting that. 

Got to run--patient. Tell me what you’re doing today. I want to know.

 

_ Draft to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 2 Jan, 13:15 _

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. 

 

**_Received from s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 2 Jan, 14:04_ **

Sleeping mostly. Or trying to. Didn’t get much last night--fairly typical for that stage of the process--but today is the fatigue, headache, dehydration. Again, nothing I wouldn’t have expected. Not pleasant. But not a surprise.

You slept on the sofa? Why? That can’t be good for your shoulder.

Are you certain she doesn’t know your password or have other easy access to this account? Your password isn’t written next to your laptop or something, is it? This email logged in on your phone? Anything like that? We shouldn’t do anything that might endanger you.

 

**_Sent to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 2 Jan, 16:54_ **

I changed the password when I got your first email and no, I didn’t write it down, either. It’s only on my work computer--that’ll limit communication, unfortunately, but I think it’s safer if it’s not accessible on anything she might pick up while I’m in the shower or something. I’ll keep changing the password as often as I can, and as long as we occasionally send a few texts back and forth about cases or whatever, she shouldn’t be suspicious. 

Besides, it’s not as though I can just not talk to you for the next month. I can’t do this without knowing you’re there. 

I know that’s selfish and asking too much of you and that you didn’t really understand why I’m doing this. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s hard to explain, even to myself. But I still think I’m doing the right thing--the baby doesn’t deserve to pay for the crimes of her mother and I want to give her a fighting chance. A chance to be free of all this. A chance to grow up and be happy. I wasn’t happy growing up, I think you know that. But she could be. Isn’t that worth protecting? The idea that something good could come out of this? 

It’ll be over soon. Very soon.

As for sleeping on the sofa, it makes my shoulder stiff but it doesn’t hurt much, not if it’s just for one night. I don’t believe for an instant that you don’t know why I was sleeping there, though. You’re cleverer than that. I slept on the sofa because I couldn’t sleep where I wanted to: next to you. Obviously.

 

**_Received from s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 2 Jan, 16:58_ **

You want that?

With me, I mean?

 

_ Draft to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 5 Jan, 10:11 _

Of course I do. I want everything with you. Of course. To know finally how you feel, how you sound, the things you like, the places you like to be touched. Your skin. Your neck. Your hips. Your voice. Your mouth, Christ. And to just sleep next to you and listen to you breathe, and wake up with you in the mornings, and tell you how much I love you before the day even begins: yes, I want that. 

But what if you don’t?

 

**_Sent to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 5 Jan, 10:29_ **

That was the longest weekend of my life. How are you, how are you doing? The withdrawal? What did you do this weekend?

And as to your question: yes. I want everything with you. If you want it, I want it. Anything. 

And if you don’t want it, that’s okay too. I’ve felt this way a very long time already without it and nothing is going to change that.

 

**_Received from s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 5 Jan, 14:16_ **

I’m fine. I told you, it’s nothing I haven’t been through before. You don’t have to worry. Some of the symptoms are already fading. A few more days and I’ll be fine.

The weekend involved more sleep and looking over a few cold cases from Lestrade. I’m sure you’re very sorry you missed all the fun.

 

And yes. Me, too. Everything.

 

**_Sent to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 6 Jan, 7:22_ **

God, Sherlock. I need to see you. Tonight. With all this going on, and it’s your birthday--I need to be there. No more birthdays without each other, I think. So pick a case, find a reason. You desperately need to investigate the new Greek place three streets over you told me about last November. It must be very important. You should text me about it. I can pretend to hem and haw over whether to go, and blame the drugs and ask if she’ll mind and promise to make it up to her. Or we can just walk around and check in with your street contacts, see if there’s anything going on. Or we can stay in and I’ll make the chicken tetrazzini with peas just the way you like, and if she asks I’ll tell her the client you were expecting never showed.

There are so many things I want to write here just now and I can’t. Fill in the blanks for me, will you? Just for now. Tonight I’ll tell you in person. I just want to see you, make sure you’re okay. Spend some time out of this house. Spend some time somewhere I can be comfortable for a while. Text me, give me a reason.

 

**_Received from s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 7 Jan, 10:43_ **

Thank you again for the cake. I wasn’t sure you’d remember that it’s my favourite. 

It was good to see you last night, and I don’t like that our opportunities to see each other are so limited, but it’s probably best we don’t do that too often--I wouldn’t want her to get suspicious. I hope that she didn’t bother you about going back so late. If so, I apologise. I shouldn’t have kept you here so long. I should have insisted you return sooner, but admittedly I found it difficult to let you go again once you were here. I know it was only dinner and telly, but it was good to just be in the same room again. I know that is hopelessly sentimental of me; forgive me. But it has been difficult. I don’t like you having to be there, literally living with the threat. I know we must do this, but I don’t like it, John. I can’t wait for it to be over, for you to be safe. And, if it’s not too forward of me to say so, for you to come home again, if that’s where you want to be.

 

**_Sent to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 8 Jan, 15:28_ **

It was fine don’t worry. I know how you feel I think. I can’t wait to come home and be there with both feet in the door, without the cloud of something else hanging overhead. It’s always been you, and when I finally come home, it’ll only be you. Worth waiting for, I think.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to write again--busy few days here at the clinic, and the weekend--but text me immediately if you start feeling badly or if you think about going out or if you have a case any higher than a seven. Remember what I told you. 

 

**_Sent to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 12 Jan, 8:09_ **

It was a very busy weekend. Seems silly to be going through with all this but I have to keep up appearances. I think I should’ve risked a text or two to you, though--I was hoping I’d come in this morning to an email or two. What did you do this weekend? No cases? How are you feeling? 

If I don’t hear from you I’ll stop over tonight. 

 

**_Sent to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 12 Jan, 16:47_ **

Will you just text me something so I know you’re all right? I know I told you I wouldn’t be able to get onto my email over the weekend, I don’t know if you took that to mean I didn’t want to hear from you? I do though. I can’t stop over, I’m sorry, Mary texted that she made a special dinner and I can’t miss it. Text me though?

 

_ Draft to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 12 Jan, 16:50 _

I know you’re probably just caught up in some stupid case or an experiment or whatever but for god’s sake Sherlock. I’m worried about you. I love you. I miss you. I’m beginning to feel like you’re withdrawing, like you maybe didn’t believe me, like you’re working to protect yourself from the possibility that I might not come home, and I want more than anything in the world to go over there and whisper it into your ear until you can’t possibly think of anything other than the love I have for you. No drugs. No mysteries. Just the truth.

 

**_Received from s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk_ ** **_, 13 Jan, 2:38_ **

Lestrade came by with a case this morning. Nothing too thrilling, but I just got home. Mrs Hudson left me a note saying you called her to check on me. My apologies for making you worry. I’ll try to remember to check my email while I’m out next time. 

It’s been a long day. I’m going to go to bed. Perhaps I’ll write more in the morning.

 

_ Draft to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 13 Jan 8:04 _

Two in the morning. I haven’t heard from you in almost a week, Sherlock, I’ve barely heard a thing since I was there last Tuesday, and you think an email at two in the morning is enough? You expect me to believe you just forgot because you had a case one of those days? Oh, no big deal, it’s not like you’re still recovering from an overdose, it’s not like you haven’t just relapsed, it’s not like there isn’t someone wandering around London who might want you dead. I’m doing my best to protect you so will you just talk to me? Do you not believe me when I say I care about you? Is this some kind of punishment for caring about someone other than you? I know you don’t understand it Sherlock but I have to give this baby a chance. If she hadn’t had the safety of marriage to rely on--if she hadn’t wanted a reason to trap me--she might not be mine but I’m part of the puzzle all the same and I can’t make that baby carry all our sins the way I carried my father’s and

Fuck. Fuck this.

 

**_Sent to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 13 Jan, 9:07_ **

Thank you.

I hope you’re all right. 

Two more weeks. That’s it. Two more weeks. Please be patient with me.

 

**_Received from s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk_ ** **_, 13 Jan, 18:19_ **

Two more weeks is hardly any time at all, right? I’ll be fine, John. Will you?

 

_ Draft to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 14 Jan, 12:33 _

How isn’t this killing you? I think it’s killing me. I’m ready to give up and come home.

 

**_Sent to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 14 Jan, 12:37_ **

Yes. I think so. I don’t know. This is so much harder now than it was before.

 

**_Received from s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk_ ** **_, 16 Jan, 6:22_ **

Are you free this weekend? I could text you and pretend there’s a case, if you wanted.

 

**_Sent to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 16 Jan, 13:04_ **

Can’t this weekend. Mary wants to stock up on some last minute things. As if we don’t have enough diapers and bottles already. 

Text me anyway. I like to hear from you.

 

**_Received from s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk_ ** **_, 18 Jan, 17:29_ **

I did as you asked, but I suppose Mary is keeping you busy there.

Just wanted to let you know that I’m taking a case for a client. Nothing too difficult. Nothing dangerous. But it might keep me out of contact for a few days.

Be safe, John.

 

**_Sent to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 20 Jan, 11:09_ **

Sorry I couldn’t get back to you this weekend. How is the case going? What’s it about? 

The baby is due in a week, so I doubt I’ll be in much contact. The clinic is trying to get me to see as many patients as possible before I take off.

Just a week. We’re so close. I’m thinking of you. It’s too risky to say more, but I hope you know what I’m thinking about.

I’m safe. Please be safe too.

 

**_Received from s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk_ ** **_, 22 Jan, 4:36_ **

The case involved a man, his wife, and interestingly, a pair of dentures. If you come home, maybe someday there’ll be time for me to tell you about it.

I know I probably won’t hear from you, but if you get this, please just be careful. I’m putting my trust in you and my brother that you can pull this off, and I’m certain you can guess how little I like relying on him, even in part. But I trust you. I’ve always trusted you. Just be careful.

 

_ Draft to s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 23 Jan, 9:12 _

Do you? Do you really trust me? You’ve said that before, but you also tried to kill yourself when you didn’t believe anyone would save you from Eastern Europe. And you thought I truly had forgiven the woman who shot you. And you pretended to kill yourself once before, and kept the truth from me for two years. I wish you would. I hope you do.    
  



	154. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

God if this doesn’t go through. If this doesn’t work. If this doesn’t happen just the way we planned it to. I can feel you pulling away from me already. I can feel you letting Mary and the baby overtake yourself. I can tell by the way you hold yourself back, by the way your messages have dwindled down to flippant “don’t worry” or “this is what I’ve been doing today.” At first I thought you were being cautious, that you didn’t want to put anything in the messages that she might find. But that’s not quite right, is it? You’re being cautious because you don’t want to put anything in the messages that you can’t take back.

Don’t take it back, Sherlock. Please don’t. Please don’t take it back. 

There’s so much yet to know. And say. And do. You say you want everything, but I mean everything, Sherlock. Really, truly everything, and not just--that. Well, that too. But not just that. I want kisses goodbye when I’m just running out in the shops. I want Bond nights where we don’t have to pretend we’re not cuddling on the sofa. I want to know your secrets, and I want you to know all of mine. No one’s ever seen me the way you see me, Sherlock. No one’s never wanted to know me as thoroughly and completely as you do, and no one else ever _has_. Not half as well as you do.

I wish I could tell you all of this, but I can’t email you from here and I don’t dare to call. Not with her in the house.

She finished packing her hospital bag today. I’m not going to go. There’s no reason to. I’m scheduled to work all next week, even though the baby is due Tuesday--you never know when they’ll come, after all, and they’ve said I can just work until the birth and then call off the rest--and I’ll just go to work and tell her to ring me if the baby comes, and when she rings, I’ll ignore it. Mycroft will have her in handcuffs before the labor is even over. I don’t need to be there. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to see the baby. I don’t want to see either of them taken away. They aren’t mine. 

Then I can come home.

I’ll finish my shift, and I’ll come home to you. Kiss you on the cheek, let you decide whether you want to kiss me on the mouth. I’ll take you to Angelo’s, and I’ll order the shrimp scampi you like so you can pick it off my plate when you don’t order anything. I’ll hold your hand across the table. I’ll hold your hand on our way out the door, and across Northumberland Street, and down Baker Street, and when Mrs Hudson catches us coming out of Speedy’s I won’t let go until you let go first. We’ll say goodnight and she’ll play her telly too loud all evening. We’ll go upstairs and I’ll take your coat, kiss you up against the door. Kiss you until you can barely stand. Kiss you until you ask me to stop, maybe, or until you ask me not to stop, and then. Then. 

Do you know that I want all that? Do you believe it? Do you want it too?

I was so sure. I was so sure we could have all that. 

I miss you. I love you. I’m coming home. I can’t do this without you there on the other end. I can’t do this if it would mean losing you. Wait for me. I’m coming home.


	155. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

_[Draft]     22:45_   
_Hey, what are you up to?_

_[Draft]     22:49_   
_No chance you have a case on right now, is_   
_there?_

_[Draft]     23:03_   
_What are you doing?_

_[Draft]     23:34_   
_I miss you so much, and it’s too easy to_   
_convince myself that you don’t miss me at all._

_[Draft]     1:23_   
_I can’t sleep. I just want to know that you’re_   
_all right._

_[Draft]    1:57_   
_Is it too much to text you and see if you’re_   
_still up? It doesn’t feel like too much._

[Sent]     2:14  
Hey. Are you awake?

Sherlock     2:14  
Yes. What’s wrong? What happened?

[Sent]     2:14  
Nothing, nothing happened, I’m okay.

[Sent]     2:15  
I just woke up and I wanted to talk to you. See   
what you’re up to. You really should be getting   
more sleep.

Sherlock     2:17  
And yet you’re texting me in the middle of the   
night. If that’s your plan to get me to sleep   
more, I think it’s safe to say you’ve failed.

[Sent]     2:17  
I knew you’d be up. You’ve been emailing me at   
all hours. Doesn’t mean I don’t think you need   
more sleep.

[Sent]     2:18  
What are you doing? Case? Experiment?

[Sent]     2:18  
Oh god you weren’t actually sleeping, were   
you? I’m sorry, I didn’t even think.

Sherlock     2:19  
It’s fine, John. I wasn’t sleeping.

Sherlock     2:21  
Honestly, I’ve been having a bit of trouble with   
that lately.

Sherlock     2:21  
So yes I’m in bed. But I wasn’t asleep.

_[Draft]     2:22_   
_Oh god. You can’t say things like that. I can’t  
think of you like that. Not yet._

[Sent]     2:23  
I wish I were there with you. Just to rub your  
back or something. Help you sleep.

[Sent]     2:24  
When this is over we’ll just sleep for days. Only  
get up for tea and biscuits and Chinese. And  
experiments, of course. But I think I will   
definitely be due for a break from work for a   
while.

Sherlock     2:26  
I look forward to it.

Sherlock     2:28  
I wish you were here now.

Sherlock     2:28  
I know I shouldn’t. I know we have to stick to   
the plan. I just can’t wait for this to be over.

[Sent]     2:31  
I know. I’m sorry.

[Sent]     2:32  
It’s so close though. One more night, maybe  
two. If the baby comes on time.

[Sent]     2:32  
Two more nights, can you give me that? Just   
two. If the baby isn’t here by then, I’ll come   
home anyway. Let Mycroft move in. Give this  
all up.

Sherlock     2:36  
You can’t do that. I’m not asking you to ruin all   
these well-laid plans. After all this time, we can   
wait a few more days if we have to.   
  
Sherlock     2:37   
I do miss you, but I’ve survived worse.

 _[Draft]     2:37  
_ _If you need me, ask me._

[Sent]     2:38  
Two more nights. I promise.

[Sent]     2:38  
I’ve already spent too many nights without you.  
Nights I thought you were dead. Nights you   
were dying, and I couldn’t bring myself to say   
the things I’d wanted to for so long.

[Sent]     2:39  
I love you. I miss you. Two more nights at the  
most, and I’m coming home. Okay?

Sherlock     2:43  
Okay. Yes. Two more nights.   
  
Sherlock     2:43   
I love you.

[Sent]     2:46  
I’m starting to drift off again here. It’s late. Try to   
get some sleep tonight, Sherlock. This’ll be over   
soon.

Sherlock     2:56  
John

Sherlock     2:56  
Say it again?

[Sent]     3:04  
I love you.

[Sent]     3:04  
I’m there with you. I love you. Close your eyes.

Sherlock     3:17  
I love you too

Sherlock     3:20  
You should go back to bed.

[Sent]     3:42  
On the sofa tonight.

[Sent]     3:44  
Shh. Don’t worry about me. You go to sleep  
now.

[Sent]     4:25  
Miss you.


	156. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

 

John     2:14  
Hey. Are you awake?

[Sent]     2:14  
Yes. What’s wrong? What happened?

John     2:14  
Nothing, nothing happened, I’m okay.

John     2:15  
I just woke up and I wanted to talk to you. See   
what you’re up to. You really should be getting   
more sleep.

 _[Draft]     2:16_ _  
_ _You woke up thinking about me?_

[Sent]     2:17  
And yet you’re texting me in the middle of the   
night. If that’s your plan to get me to sleep   
more, I think it’s safe to say you’ve failed.

John     2:17  
I knew you’d be up. You’ve been emailing me at   
all hours. Doesn’t mean I don’t think you need   
more sleep.

John     2:18  
What are you doing? Case? Experiment?

John     2:18  
Oh god you weren’t actually sleeping, were   
you? I’m sorry, I didn’t even think.

[Sent]     2:19  
It’s fine, John. I wasn’t sleeping.

 _[Draft]     2:19_ _  
_ _I was working on_

 _[Draft]     2:19_ _  
_ _Lestrade sent over some files, and_

 _[Draft]     2:20_   
_What do you want me to say? The truth? Do you_   
_want to hear that I don’t sleep well when you_   
_aren’t here? That I haven’t since I came home?_   
_That I didn’t even before I left? That just having_   
_you in the flat was a comfort I hadn’t_   
_appreciated until you were gone? You wanted_   
_us to be more honest with each other. Is this_ _  
what you meant? Things like this?_

[Sent]     2:21  
Honestly, I’ve been having a bit of trouble with   
that lately.

[Sent]     2:21  
So yes I’m in bed. But I wasn’t asleep.

John     2:23  
I wish I were there with you. Just to rub your   
back or something. Help you sleep.

 _[Draft]     2:23_ _  
_ _That would be_

John     2:24  
When this is over we’ll just sleep for days. Only   
get up for tea and biscuits and Chinese. And     
experiments, of course. But I think I will   
definitely be due for a break from work for a   
while.

 _[Draft]     2:24_ _  
_ _You really want that?_

 _[Draft]     2:24_ _  
_ _You are still planning to come home_

[Sent]     2:26  
I look forward to it.

[Sent]     2:28  
I wish you were here now.

[Sent]     2:28  
I know I shouldn’t. I know we have to stick to   
the plan. I just can’t wait for this to be over.

John     2:31  
I know. I’m sorry.

John     2:32   
It’s so close though. One more night, maybe   
two. If the baby comes on time.

John     2:32  
Two more nights, can you give me that? Just   
two. If the baby isn’t here by then, I’ll come   
home anyway. Let Mycroft move in. Give this   
all up.

 _[Draft]     2:32_ _  
_ _Please._

[Sent]     2:36  
You can’t do that. I’m not asking you to ruin all   
these well-laid plans. After all this time, we can   
wait a few more days if we have to.

[Sent]     2:37  
I do miss you, but I’ve survived worse.

John     2:38  
Two more nights. I promise.

John     2:38  
I’ve already spent too many nights without you.   
Nights I thought you were dead. Nights you   
were dying, and I couldn’t bring myself to say   
the things I’d wanted to for so long.

 _[Draft]     2:39_ _  
_ _John, I’m sorry. I’m so sorr_

John     2:39  
I love you. I miss you. Two more nights at the   
most, and I’m coming home. Okay?

[Sent]     2:43  
Okay. Yes. Two more nights.   
  
[Sent]     2:43   
I love you.

John     2:46  
I’m starting to drift off again here. It’s late. Try to   
get some sleep tonight, Sherlock. This’ll be over   
soon.

[Sent]     2:56  
John

[Sent]     2:56  
Say it again?

John     3:04  
I love you.

John     3:04  
I’m there with you. I love you. Close your eyes.

[Sent]     3:17  
I love you too

[Sent]     3:20  
You should go back to bed.

John     3:42  
On the sofa tonight.

John     3:44  
Shh. Don’t worry about me. You go to sleep   
now.

John     4:25  
Miss you.

 _[Draft]     4:43_ _  
_ _I missyou too.Come hom_

 


	157. John - Text Thread with Mary Morstan

Mary     10:12  
Contractions are ten minutes apart now.  
Water hasn’t broken yet, but it’s probably getting  
close. I think it’s time you’d better come get us  
to hospital.

Mary     10:34  
Are you coming? Where are you?

Mary     10:36  
You promised you’d leave your phone on!

Mary     10:40  
Do not make me take a cab while I am in labor,  
John. 

\-------------------------

[Sent]     10:41  
I believe Ms Morstan is in need of a car.

Mycroft     10:42  
Confirmed. Moving in. 

\-------------------------

Mary     10:47  
I am not getting into a car sent by Mycroft  
Holmes.

Mary     10:48  
I will give birth on the floor if I have to.

[Sent]     10:51  
He’s doing me a favour, I didn’t get your text  
right away. I’ll meet you at hospital. Remember  
to breathe.

Mary     10:54  
Where are you?

[Sent]     10:59  
In my own car. On my way. I’ll be there when  
you get there, ready to go.

Mary     11:32  
Oh look. A hospital you’re not at and a  
room you’re not in. lovely very supportive.

Mary     11:47  
I would hate to think what might happen if you  
don’t show up here in the next ten minutes,  
John Watson. What might happen to him, even.

Mary     11:48  
I’ve been pregnant, not blind. 


	158. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

[Sent]     10:39  
It’s happening. It’s time.

[Sent]     10:39  
Mycroft is sending a car round, I’m going to go  
get a few of my things together and then I’ll be  
home, all right?

Sherlock     10:41  
Do you need me to do anything?

[Sent]     10:44  
Be there. Just be there when I get there.

Sherlock     10:45  
I will. I'll be here.

Sherlock     10:45  
Be safe.

[Sent]     10:53  
She’s in active labor. It’s safe.

[Sent]     10:56  
I’m getting in the car right now.

Sherlock     11:03  
Did Mycroft at least send the good car?

[Sent]     11:05  
Ha. Yes. The one you put a hole in the stitching  
of the back seat? I can see where they keep  
stitching it up.

_[Draft]     11:06  
Christ it makes me miss you._

[Sent]     11:07  
What are you doing right now? Are you home  
already?

Sherlock     11:08  
If he wants me to stop ripping seams out, then  
maybe he should stop forcing me to ride in it.

Sherlock     11:08  
Yes, I'm home. Molly kicked me out of the lab  
this morning.

[Sent]     11:10  
Case, or were you just terrorising her? We’re  
turning into Mary’s neighbourhood. Almost  
there.

Sherlock     11:12  
I never terrorise Molly.

Sherlock     11:12  
I may have irritated her slightly when I  
accidentally spilled acid on a cancerous spleen,  
but I didn't do it on purpose. So what if I  
examined it after? I was just taking advantage of  
a happy mistake.

[Sent]     11:15  
You never accidentally spill anything and you  
should send Molly some flowers or something.  
I’m at Mary’s.

[Sent]     11:16  
Mycroft’s men have swept the place. They’re  
already in the middle of searching it though so it  
might take me a bit longer than expected.

Sherlock     11:21  
Do you think you'll be hungry when you get  
here? I could pop down to Speedy’s, grab us  
something for lunch.

[Sent]     11:27  
That’s really sweet actually but to be honest,  
Sherlock, no I don’t think I’m going to be  
hungry.

[Sent]     11:28  
I think I’m going to be at home, with you, and  
with nothing else standing between us.

 _[Draft]     11:30_  
_I just want to kiss you. I just want to hold you._  
_I can bring you all of myself now, entirely_  
_yours. I want to_

_[Draft]     11:31  
Everything._

[Sent]      11:33  
Maybe we’ll have some Chinese delivered in  
celebration tonight instead.

[Sent]     11:37  
Are you hungry? If you’re hungry you should eat  
something. Don’t leave the flat though. I can’t  
find my good pair of brogues but I’m on my way  
soon.

Sherlock     11:41  
No, I'm not hungry.

Sherlock     11:41  
I just want you home.

[Sent]     11:45  
I know. I’m almost done here. You wouldn’t  
believe the stuff they’ve found. I half expect  
them to rip open a teddy and find a bazooka.

[Sent]     11:48  
Do not leave the flat. Do not let Mrs Hudson  
leave the flat. Stay exactly where you are.

[Sent]     11:48  
Do you understand? Do not move. Stay there.

[Sent]     11:49  
I will be there in less than twenty minutes. Do  
not move. Stay away from the windows.

Sherlock     11:49  
John what's happened

[Sent]     11:49  
Do not let anyone in unless you know them  
personally. Mycroft is sending a man you should  
recognize and he should be there shortly.

Sherlock     11:49  
Are you okay

Sherlock     11:50  
John

Sherlock     11:54  
John please just tell me what’s going on

[Sent]     11:57  
I’m on my way. I’m okay just don’t move. She  
knows. She knows everything.

[Sent]     11:58  
Obviously when I wasn’t at hospital for her she  
was going to know something was wrong

[Sent]     11:58  
But she knows about us. She

Sherlock     12:01  
Come home.

Sherlock     12:01  
Just come home now.

Sherlock     12:01  
Please

Sherlock     12:02  
Are you in the car yet?

[Sent]     12:03  
Yeah

[Sent]     12:05  
I thought we were being so careful. I thought  
this would come back for me and me alone. If  
she thinks you’re

[Sent]     12:06  
If she thinks we’re. I don’t know what contacts  
she has left, I don’t know if she called someone,  
if she had any back up plans. We don’t know  
enough about her. Mycroft is moving in now but  
I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I thought  
we could wait but I don’t know what to protect  
you from right now

 _[Draft]     12:07_  
_She was supposed to target me. She was_  
_supposed to just think it was me. I didn’t want_  
_to give her any more reason to come for you_

Sherlock     12:08  
John, it’s okay. We’re okay. I'm here at the flat.  
There's nothing she can do to me here. Nothing  
she can do to us. Mycroft's people have made  
certain of that. Just come home, and then we'll  
figure it out.

Sherlock     12:09  
Come home, and everything will be fine. We’ll  
make a plan, and we’ll keep each other safe.  
Together. Like we said.

_[Draft]     12:12  
Keep talking to me so I know you’re safe._

[Sent]      12:15  
ETA twenty minutes. Is Mrs Hudson with you?

Sherlock      12:16  
She's downstairs, away from the windows, with  
an agent whom I know. She's okay. I'm okay.

Sherlock     12:16  
Talk about something else. Strangest patient at  
work today. What you watched on telly last  
night. What you want to do first when you get  
home. Anything.

[Sent]     12:21  
I was going to bring you flowers. Bit cheesy. I  
think you’d secretly have liked it though.

[Sent]     12:22  
I thought I’d just hug you for a bit, actually. If  
that’s okay. I don’t mean to make it terribly  
sentimental but I thought under the  
circumstances I might just like to hug you.

Sherlock     12:23  
It's more than okay.

Sherlock     12:23  
If ever there was a time to be sentimental, I do  
believe your homecoming qualifies.

Sherlock     12:24  
I find I’m feeling rather sentimental myself.

Sherlock     12:24  
I love you.

[Sent]     12:26  
I love you. I’m sorry I put us through this. I’m  
sorry for all of this.

 _[Draft]     12:18_  
_Can you forgive me? for all of it? for any of it,_  
_even?_

Sherlock     12:29  
Don't be. I'm not. Do I wish some things had  
worked out differently? Of course. But I can't be  
sorry to be here now.

Sherlock     12:30  
What's taking so long? Are you close? I want to  
see you, John.

[Sent]     12:31  
Caught at a light. Baker St just ahead.

_[Draft]     12:33  
Christ I’m so nervous. What if you don’t_

_[Draft]     12:34_  
_What if this doesn’t. What if we aren't us_  
_anymore? after everything I've put us through_

[Sent]     12:36  
That’s me outside getting out of this car. Do  
not come to the window to look.

[Sent]     12:37  
It’s me at the door. I’m coming inside now.

Sherlock     12:37  
I'm in the kitchen. Come up.


	159. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

John     10:39  
It’s happening. It’s time.

John     10:39  
Mycroft is sending a car round, I’m going to go  
get a few of my things together and then I’ll be  
home, all right?

 _[Draft]     10:40_  
_Already? Good. Okay what do I do? What do_  
_you need? Should I just stay here? Are you_  
_coming home now? Do you need me to come_ _  
help you pack? What should I_

[Sent]     10:41  
Do you need me to do anything?

John     10:44  
Be there. Just be there when I get there.

[Sent]     10:45  
I will. I'll be here.

[Sent]     10:45  
Be safe.

 _[Draft]     10:47_ _  
_ _And hurry. I want to see you._

John     10:53  
She’s in active labor. It’s safe.

John     10:56  
I’m getting in the car right now.

[Sent]     11:03  
Did Mycroft at least send the good car?

John     11:05  
Ha. Yes. The one you put a hole in the stitching  
of the back seat? I can see where they keep  
stitching it up.

John     11:07  
What are you doing right now? Are you home  
already?  

[Sent]     11:08  
If he wants me to stop ripping seams out, then  
maybe he should stop forcing me to ride in it.

[Sent]     11:08  
Yes, I'm home. Molly kicked me out of the lab  
this morning.

John     11:10  
Case, or were you just terrorising her? We’re  
turning into Mary’s neighbourhood. Almost  
there.

 _[Draft]     11:11_  
_No case. Told Lestrade not to call me. Didn’t_  
_want to be stuck in the middle of one when you  
w_ _ere ready to come home. I didn’t want_   
_anything else in the way._

[Sent]     11:12  
I never terrorise Molly.

[Sent]     11:12  
I may have irritated her slightly when I  
accidentally spilled acid on a cancerous spleen,  
but I didn't do it on purpose. So what if I  
examined it after? I was just taking advantage of  
a happy mistake.

John     11:15  
You never accidentally spill anything and you  
should send Molly some flowers or something.  
I’m at Mary’s.

John     11:16  
Mycroft’s men have swept the place. They’re  
already in the middle of searching it though so it  
might take me a bit longer than expected.

 _[Draft]     11:19_  
_I don’t know what to do with myself. This wait is  
awful. Just leave everything there and we can _   
_go round and collect it later._

[Sent]     11:21  
Do you think you'll be hungry when you get  
here? I could pop down to Speedy’s, grab us  
something for lunch.

John     11:27  
That’s really sweet actually but to be honest,  
Sherlock, no I don’t think I’m going to be  
hungry.

John     11:28  
I think I’m going to be at home, with you, and  
with nothing else standing between us.

 _[Draft]     11:29_ _  
_ _I_

 _[Draft]     11:29_ _  
_ _Yes, that’s_

 _[Draft]     11:31_ _  
_ _You need to be here now. I need you here now._

John     11:33  
Maybe we’ll have some Chinese delivered in  
celebration tonight instead.

John     11:37  
Are you hungry? If you’re hungry you should eat  
something. Don’t leave the flat though. I can’t  
find my good pair of brogues but I’m on my way  
soon.

[Sent]     11:41  
No, I'm not hungry.

[Sent]     11:41  
I just want you home.

John     11:45  
I know. I’m almost done here. You wouldn’t  
believe the stuff they’ve found. I half expect them  
to rip open a teddy and find a bazooka.

John     11:48  
Do not leave the flat. Do not let Mrs Hudson  
leave the flat. Stay exactly where you are.

John     11:48  
Do you understand? Do not move. Stay there.

John     11:49  
I will be there in less than twenty minutes. Do  
not move. Stay away from the windows.

[Sent]     11:49  
John what's happened

John     11:49  
Do not let anyone in unless you know them  
personally. Mycroft is sending a man you should  
recognize and he should be there shortly.

[Sent]     11:49  
Are you okay

[Sent]     11:50  
John

[Sent]     11:54  
John please just tell me what’s going on

 _[Draft]    11:57_ _  
_ _Damn it John where are y_

John     11:57  
I’m on my way. I’m okay just don’t move. She  
knows. She knows everything.

John     11:58  
Obviously when I wasn’t at hospital for her she  
was going to know something was wrong

John     11:58  
But she knows about us

 _[Draft]     11:58_ _  
_ _How could_

 _[Draft]     11:59_ _  
_ _But we_

 _[Draft]     11:59_  
_I shouldn’t have sent you any of those_  
_messages. I knew it wasn’t safe, but I did it_ _  
anyway. Stupid. Now look what I’ve caused._

Sherlock     12:01  
Come home.

Sherlock     12:01  
Just come home now.

Sherlock     12:01  
Please

Sherlock     12:02  
Are you in the car yet?

John     12:03  
Yeah

John     12:05  
I thought we were being so careful. I thought  
this would come back for me and me alone. If  
she thinks you’re

John     12:06  
If she thinks we’re. I don’t know what contacts  
she has left, I don’t know if she called someone,  
if she had any back up plans. We don’t know  
enough about her. Mycroft is moving in now but  
I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I thought  
we could wait but I don’t know what to protect  
you from right now

[Sent]     12:08  
John,  it’s okay. We’re okay. I'm here at the flat.  
There's nothing she can do to me here. Nothing  
she can do to us. Mycroft's people have made  
certain of that. Just come home, and then we'll  
figure it out.

[Sent]     12:09  
Come home, and everything will be fine. We’ll  
make a plan, and we’ll keep each other safe.  
Together. Like we said.

 _[Draft]     12:09_  
_And if she even thinks about touching you, she_  
_will not live to regret it._

John     12:15  
ETA twenty minutes. Is Mrs Hudson with you?

[Sent]     12:16  
She's downstairs, away from the windows, with  
an agent whom I know. She's okay. I'm okay.

[Sent]     12:16  
Talk about something else. Strangest patient at  
work today. What you watched on telly last  
night. What you want to do first when you get  
home. Anything.

 _[Draft]     12:17_ _  
_ _Anything but her. Don’t let her ruin this._

John     12:21  
I was going to bring you flowers. Bit cheesy. I  
think you’d secretly have liked it though.

 _[Draft]     12:21_ _  
_ _You were going to_

John     12:22  
I thought I’d just hug you for a bit, actually. If  
that’s okay. I don’t mean to make it terribly  
sentimental but I thought under the  
circumstances I might just like to hug you.

[Sent]     12:23  
It's more than okay.

[Sent]     12:23  
If ever there was a time to be sentimental, I do  
believe your homecoming qualifies.

 _[Draft]     12:23_  
_Come home and let me hug you and never let_  
_you go._

[Sent]     12:24  
I find I’m feeling rather sentimental myself.

[Sent]     12:24  
I love you.

John     12:26  
I love you. I’m sorry I put us through this. I’m  
sorry for all of this.

 _[Draft]     12:27_ _  
_ _It’s not your fault. If I hadn’t left you_

 _[Draft]     12:29_ _  
__There are so many things I regret but if they_  
_brought me to you then_

[Sent]     12:29  
Don't be. I'm not. Do I wish some things had  
worked out differently? Of course. But I can't be  
sorry to be here now.

[Sent]     12:30  
What's taking so long? Are you close? I want to  
see you, John.

John     12:31  
Caught at a light. Baker St just ahead.

 _[Draft]     12:34_ _  
_ _Come home come home come home come home_  
_come home come home_

John     12:36  
That’s me outside getting out of this car. Do not  
come to the window to look.

 _Draft     12:36_ _  
_ _Finally_

John     12:37  
It’s me at the door. I’m coming inside now.

[Sent]     12:37  
I'm in the kitchen. Come up.


	160. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes

Mycroft     16:15  
Would you like an update?

[Sent]     16:19  
As brief as possible, please.

Mycroft     16:20  
Ms Morstan is secure. The birth is progressing  
normally. Several files were found in a hidden  
wall compartment in her flat that are being  
analysed for data. There were several firearms,  
including one that had been fired within the last  
two weeks.

 _[Draft]     16:23_  
_The last two weeks. I thought, with her being_  
_so pregnant, she wouldn’t be able to. If she--_  
_if she were able to hurt someone because of me_

[Sent]     16:27  
Thank you. Let us know if anything changes.

Mycroft     22:15  
The birth is progressing normally. Several of the  
files found in her flat appear to link her to  
several of the incidences Sherlock investigated  
as part of the Moriarty files. More information  
will be available once the files are fully  
decrypted.

Mycroft     22:16  
There are, as yet, no corresponding victims  
of gunshot wounds from her firearms, though.  
Seems to have been a practice shot--preparing  
her weapons, judging by some of these files,  
but not using them.

 _[Draft]     22:27_  
_Oh thank god. Oh thank christ. Fucking_  
_thank you_

[Sent]     22:29  
Thank you.

Mycroft     1:15  
Status remains unchanged.

[Sent]     1:17  
Thank you.

Mycroft     4:07  
Ms Morstan has delivered a healthy baby  
girl. The father has been collected and is  
waiting in a secure location.

 _[Draft]      4:12  
_ _Thank you._

 _[Draft]      4:13_  
_Now that she’s here, I find...I’m glad she’s not_  
_mine. I’m so relieved._

[Sent]     4:21  
Did she pick a name?

Mycroft     4:22  
No. She has declined the opportunity to do so.

Mycroft     4:22  
Some of her comments to my staff have  
led me to believe that she is unaware of  
the child’s true parentage, John.

[Sent]     4:34  
Don’t tell her.

[Sent]     4:35  
She won’t ever get out, right? She won’t  
ever be able to see the child anyway.

Mycroft     4:37  
Current intelligence indicates that Ms  
Morstan’s likelihood of release is next  
to none.

[Sent]     4:38  
But not absolute.

Mycroft     4:39  
I don’t deal in absolutes. I deal in realities.

[Sent]     4:41  
Then don’t tell her. Don’t give her any idea  
about where to find the baby, just in case.

Mycroft     4:42  
Confirmed.

[Sent]     5:48  
Would you mind telling us what is going on?  
Sherlock and I have just been relocated to the  
upstairs landing by your men.

[Sent]     5:50  
What the hell is happening. Answer your  
goddamn phone.

[Sent]     5:54  
Where is the threat coming from. You cannot  
keep us in the dark.

[Sent]     5:55  
The last time someone was kept in the dark  
Sherlock nearly paid the price with his life.  
Tell. Me. What. Is. Happening.

 _[Draft]     5:55  
_ _Sorry, I shouldn’t have_

Mycroft     5:59  
The operative known as Mary Morstan has  
escaped custody due to a misunderstanding  
with hospital staff during routine post-birth  
procedures.

Mycroft     6:00  
I am sorry, John. We’re looking for her. We’ll  
bring her in as soon as we’re able.

[Sent]     6:17  
I don’t understand.

[Sent]     6:18  
She just gave birth and she outmaneuvered  
MI5, is what you are saying. She just walked  
away from a hospital after being arrested for  
assassination, treason and almost killing  
Sherlock, is what you’re telling me.

[Sent]     6:19  
She just walked out and none of your people  
were on hand to stop her, and now she’s loose  
with access to potential resources we know  
nothing about.

[Sent]     6:19  
Did they also give her a lolly and tell her to  
run along home now?

Mycroft     6:21  
We are running an operation now to  
recover her. Someone will be there shortly  
to move you, Sherlock, and Mrs Hudson to  
a safe house.

[Sent]     6:25  
No.

[Sent]     6:26  
I just came home. I won’t run away from it  
now for fear of her.

[Sent]     6:27  
I will protect my home and my family. If  
you want her brought to justice, find her before  
she finds me. It’s my fault she even had this  
opportunity and I won’t give her a second  
chance to get away.


	161. Sherlock - Unaddressed Email Saved to Drafts

This is awful. The waiting. The silence. The constant hovering of Mycroft’s minions. The inability to do a damn thing to find her and drag her back to those who actually want her.

I hate every second of this.

You’re home, and we should be celebrating right now, but she’s managed to take that away from us. She’s still winning, John, still keeping us apart by forcing us to hold each other at arm’s length, by keeping us waiting and watching, always on edge. This is our home. And she’s made it our prison.

My skin is crawling under the strain of boredom, with the need to do something, but I’m locked up here unable to do anything at all. It’s abhorrent. Dreadful. Abominable. Excruciating. Hateful. Intolerable.

And if I’m honest, only the thought of the danger you would be in if you followed me keeps me from slipping out when no one’s looking.

But the boredom, the waiting, the itching need to do something useful isn’t even the worst of it. Not so long ago it would have been, and I would have irritated Mycroft until he let me work. I would have run off to do it anyway when he refused. The thought of sitting here alone with nothing to keep me occupied would have been the worst thing I could have imagined. But I’m not alone. You’re here, and that--that is what’s the worst. It’s the worst because six days ago you fell asleep on the sofa with your feet in my lap. Because six days ago you came home and you kissed me and you seemed happy--truly happy, John--and somehow that was because of me. But that was six long, dreadful days ago, and it’s far worse than boredom because look how quickly your happiness has gone. Now you barely look at me, you’ve hardly eaten for days, you rarely speak except to snap at one of us for blocking your sight line to the door or making too much noise. You’ve brushed off my attempts to make you tea, to get you to sleep, to even run my fingers through your hair, and I don’t know what to do anymore, John. You’re clearly miserable here, and I’m beginning to fear that you already regret your decision to come home. I’m not happy either, that it’s had to happen this way, but we’re here together, and I thought that’s what you wanted. I know that I just keep getting in the way. I know that some of my idiosyncrasies and my habits and my… everything can be a lot for people to handle. I know that I am difficult to like under the best of circumstances. And I’ve always known that, if you ever somehow could love me, the chances that it would last, that I wouldn’t drive you away by being too much myself were slim, but I thought we’d at least have time to try. I thought that when you came home it would be good. Really good. That we’d at least have a chance for it to be. Even if only for a little while.

But it isn’t, is it? I keep trying to tell myself that it’s her fault, that she’s the problem here and that things will be better once she’s found. But what if it’s not? What if this is how it is? Maybe this isn’t going to work. Maybe it’s already over before it’s even really begun.

I am trying my best to be less myself, to make this easier on you, to make you want to stay when this confinement is done, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. Tell me what to do to fix this. This can’t end already. Not yet. If you left again now I’d

I’m rubbish at this sort of thing. Just tell me what you need, John. Please. Tell me what you need so I can give it to you. Anything at all. Just stay. Please don’t let this be the end. It was only supposed to be the beginning.


	162. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

This isn’t working. 

I thought as long as we were together, we could withstand anything, but I was wrong, wasn’t I? We’re not the type of men to hide. We’re not the type of men to cower. We’re both restless and anxious and I’m fucking scared, Sherlock. I’ve been letting it get in between us when I should have been letting you in beyond it. I need to get away from this fear, and I need you to go with me.

Caught you this morning looking at a cup of tea, and it looked like the way you used to look sometimes when you first came back. I’m sorry I didn’t realise then what it meant, but I hope I made up for it a little bit this time. I’m still getting used to the idea that I can kiss you, but every time I do--I can’t describe it. You’re so  _ warm _ , did you know? And soft. I’m still getting used to you. I think you’ll surprise me a lot, Sherlock. I think I’m excited to find out about all of it. 

I also think you’re brilliant, and sneaky, and I think you have Mycroft’s agents’ schedules memorised. I think you’ve spent too much time poking around my old bedroom, and I think you know exactly when we’d be able to sneak out of the fire escape. I think if we got out of here, we could find her. We could end this. We aren’t very good at hiding, but we are pretty good at fighting. When we fight together.


	163. Sherlock - Text Thread with [Number Unavailable]

[Number Unavailable]     21:13  
You must be getting bored playing house by   
now. Do you miss me yet?

[Sent]     21:16  
Who is this?

[Number Unavailable]     21:17  
Oh come now Sherlock. I thought you were   
supposed to be clever.

 _[Draft]     21:17_   
_I am clever, Mary. Figured out you took on Jim’s_ _  
name quite a while ag_

[Number Unavailable]     21:18  
God knows that’s all your poor smitten pet ever   
seems to go on about.

 _[Draft]     21:18_ _  
_ _Don’t. Don’t you dare._

 _[Draft]     21:19_   
_He deserved so much better than you. To think_   
_if I hadn’t returned and he had been stuck with_ _  
you_

 _[Draft]     21:19_ _  
_ _Did you ever love him?_

 _[Draft]     21:20_   
_I gave up everything for him. I gave up the work._   
_I gave up my home and my safety and my own_   
_skin for him. I nearly gave my life. I would have,_   
_readily. All so he could be happy. What have_   
_you ever given for him? What have you ever_ _  
done but take?_

[Number Unavailable]     21:25  
What? You don’t want to talk to me Sherlock?   
And here I thought we were friends.

[Sent]     21:26  
I’m done playing games with you. You’ve   
already lost.

 _[Draft]     21:27_   
_You lost the moment you failed to kill me_   
_because there is nothing that will stop me from_   
_finding you and putting a bullet in your skull for_   
_what you’ve done to him. For what you’ve done_ _  
to the both of us._

[Number Unavailable]     21:28  
Have I now? That’s funny because I’m the one   
out here still moving pieces, while you’re the   
one stuck at home letting Big Brother have all   
the fun.

[Number Unavailable]     21:28  
Do you need a little extra incentive?

[Sent]     21:29  
Feeling a bit of deja vu, so let me guess. If I   
don’t do what you want, my friends will die.

[Number Unavailable]     21:29  
No.

[Number Unavailable]     21:30  
But his will.

[Number Unavailable]     21:30  
You may think you’re what matters most, but   
how long do you think he’ll be happy to stay   
there playing boyfriends when he finds out you   
put yourself above every other person he cares   
about?

[Number Unavailable]     21:31  
How long do you think he’ll love you then?

[Number Unavailable]     21:33  
Face it Sherlock. You and I both know how hard   
it is for him to forgive. He’s already left one   
person he loved for hurting someone he cares   
about. Do you really think he’ll stay after you   
let me kill his friends? His old commanding   
officer? His pretty, helpless sister?

 _[Draft]     21:34_   
_You aren’t going to touch a single one of them._ _  
You aren’t going to hurt anyone ever again._

[Sent]     21:36  
Where?

[Number Unavailable]     21:37  
Oh good boy.

[Number Unavailable]     21:37  
It’s an old favourite of ours. Some place really   
sweet.

[Number Unavailable]     21:37  
Be there at midnight.

[Number Unavailable]     21:38  
You don’t need me to tell you to come alone, do   
you? Because I don’t miss the mark twice   
Sherlock, and you’re not the one I’d be aiming   
for this time.

[Sent]     21:39  
I’ll be there.

[Number Unavailable]     21:39  
See you soon. Give my love to John. xx


	164. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

[Sent]     21:39  
John, I need to tell you something, and I need   
you not to visibly react. Stay calm.

John     21:42  
Okay. What’s going on.

[Sent]     21:42  
Mary just texted me.

[Sent]     21:43  
She wants me to meet her at midnight. Alone.

John     21:44  
Not alone. Never alone.

John     21:44  
We should report the location to Mycroft and   
let him handle it, shouldn’t we?

 _[Draft]     21:44_ _  
_ _Is that really what you’d prefer?_

[Sent]     21:45  
We could report it to Mycroft, yes. But I have no   
doubt that she would somehow manage to   
vanish before he could move in. It has to be me.   
That’s the only way we’ll get to her.

[Sent]     21:45  
And of course, I’m not going completely alone. I   
promised you, together. I don’t intend to break   
that.

John     21:46  
Good.

John     21:46  
Seems a lot more satisfying to do it ourselves.

John     21:47  
Where are we meeting her?

[Sent]     21:47  
Addlestone.

[Sent]     21:47  
The sweets factory where we found those kids.

John     21:49  
Fuck. That was her. Kids. Fuck.

John     21:50  
What do I need to do?

 _[Draft]     21:51_   
_You’re not going to like it. We’ll go together but_ _  
then_

[Sent]     21:51  
First we have to get out of here. Then when we   
get to Addlestone you’re going to have to let me   
walk in there on my own.

John     21:52  
We’ll see about that second part.

John     21:52  
The fire escape out of my old bedroom?

[Sent]     21:53  
Yes. We should have a window in 37 mins when   
they switch shifts for the evening.

[Sent]     21:53  
And she told me to come alone. So we’re going   
to have to make it look as if I did just that.

[Sent]     21:54  
I’m certain she’ll be looking out for anyone to   
arrive with me or soon after. You, Lestrade,   
Mycroft. She’ll be expecting someone. You can’t   
be seen. I’ll get her talking, distracted. Make her   
think I really am alone while you find another   
way to sneak in.

 _[Draft]     21:54_   
_She can’t know that you’re there, John. You_ _  
can’t be seen, do you understand? I couldn’t_

John     21:56  
Just because someone sets you a trap doesn’t   
mean you have to walk into it. Remember the   
pool? When you tried to go it alone?

John     21:57  
We can go in separately but you’ll have to find a   
way to get us in at the same time.

John     21:57  
I can’t see you shot again just because I left you   
alone with her for too long. There’ll be another   
way.

 _[Draft]    21:58_   
_And you think that would be any easier for me?_ _  
If you’re found out, to have to watch you_

 _[Draft]    21:58_   
_I can’t lose you. Not now. Not after everything_   
_we’ve survived. I won’t let her take you away_ _  
again._

[Sent]     22:00  
The river.

[Sent]     22:01  
One side of the factory is bordered by the river.   
She won’t have that side covered. Wouldn’t   
expect anyone to come in that way.

John     22:02  
Good. I’m going to go up in a few minutes and   
check my gun once over, make sure everything   
is in order. Cover me.

[Sent]     22:14  
They’re starting to get suspicious. Come back   
down. I can’t distract them much longer.

John     22:15  
Tell them I’m having a wank.

 _[Draft]     22:15_ _  
_ _I_

 _[Draft]     22:17_   
_You can’t just say things like that. Now you have_ _  
me thinking about_

 _[Draft]     22:17_ _  
_ _You aren’t actually, are you?_

[Sent]     22:19  
Can’t. Then they’d wonder why I’m not offering   
you a hand.

John     22:28  
It’s getting close to time to leave anyway. Then   
you’d have an excuse to come up here, and they   
won’t be likely to check up on us for a bit. Works   
perfectly.

[Sent]     22:29  
Coming


	165. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock     21:39  
John, I need to tell you something, and I need   
you not to visibly react. Stay calm.

 _[Draft]     21:41_  
_It’s fine. I wasn’t expecting her to go without  
a fight._

[Sent]     21:42  
Okay. What’s going on.

Sherlock     21:42  
Mary just texted me.

Sherlock     21:43  
She wants me to meet her at midnight. Alone.

[Sent]     21:44  
Not alone. Never alone.

[Sent]     21:44  
We should report the location to Mycroft and   
let him handle it, shouldn’t we?

Sherlock     21:45  
We could report it to Mycroft, yes. But I have no   
doubt that she would somehow manage to   
vanish before he could move in. It has to be me.   
That’s the only way we’ll get to her.

Sherlock     21:45  
And of course, I’m not going completely alone. I   
promised you, together. I don’t intend to break   
that.

[Sent]     21:46  
Good.

[Sent]     21:46  
Seems a lot more satisfying to do it ourselves.

[Sent]     21:47  
Where are we meeting her?

Sherlock     21:47  
Addlestone.

Sherlock     21:47  
The sweets factory where we found those kids.

[Sent]     21:49  
Fuck. That was her. Kids. Fuck.

[Sent]     21:50  
What do I need to do?

Sherlock     21:51  
First we have to get out of here. Then when we   
get to Addlestone you’re going to have to let me   
walk in there on my own.

[Sent]     21:52  
We’ll see about that second part.

[Sent]     21:52  
The fire escape out of my old bedroom?

Sherlock     21:53  
Yes. We should have a window in 37 mins when   
they switch shifts for the evening.

Sherlock     21:53  
And she told me to come alone. So we’re going   
to have to make it look as if I did just that.

Sherlock     21:54  
I’m certain she’ll be looking out for anyone to   
arrive with me or soon after. You, Lestrade,   
Mycroft. She’ll be expecting someone. You can’t   
be seen. I’ll get her talking, distracted. Make her   
think I really am alone while you find another   
way to sneak in.

[Sent]     21:56  
Just because someone sets you a trap doesn’t  
mean you have to walk into it. Remember the  
pool? When you tried to go it alone?

[Sent]     21:57  
We can go in separately but you’ll have to find a   
way to get us in at the same time.

[Sent]     21:57  
I can’t see you shot again just because I left you   
alone with her for too long. There’ll be another   
way.

_[Draft]     21:59_   
_Get us in at the same time or we won’t go  at all._   
_I would rather hide in here the rest of  my life_   
_than lay your life on the line again._

Sherlock     22:00  
The river.

Sherlock     22:01  
One side of the factory is bordered by the river.   
She won’t have that side covered. Wouldn’t   
expect anyone to come in that way.

[Sent]     22:02  
Good. I’m going to go up in a few minutes and  
check my gun once over, make sure everything  
is in order. Cover me.

Sherlock     22:14  
They’re starting to get suspicious. Come back   
down. I can’t distract them much longer.

[Sent]     22:15  
Tell them I’m having a wank.

Sherlock     22:19  
Can’t. Then they’d wonder why I’m not offering   
you a hand.

[Sent]     22:28  
It’s getting close to time to leave anyway. Then  
you’d have an excuse to come up here, and they  
won’t be likely to check up on us for a bit. Works  
perfectly.

Sherlock     22:29  
Coming

 _[Draft]     22:30  
_ _Not yet, but you will be ;)_

_[Draft]     22:31_   
_When this is over. When it’s just the two of us,_   
_when we can focus just on each other and_   
_nothing else. When I take you to bed, I’m only_   
_taking you, and none of this._

_[Draft]     22:31  
_ _Christ I can’t think about this right now._


	166. Sherlock - Text Thread with Mycroft

Mycroft     22:41   
Richardson is reporting that you haven’t    
checked in. If you could be bothered to remove    
yourself from Doctor Watson’s attentions long    
enough to do so, I’m certain this would be much    
easier on all of us.

Mycroft     22:47   
For god’s sake, Sherlock, put your clothes on    
long enough to check in, so that Richardson can    
go back downstairs and not have to listen to the    
apparently boisterous activities in which you are    
currently partaking. 

Mycroft     22:51   
Stop behaving like a prurient adolescent and    
open the door.

Mycroft     22:55   
Pornography? Very funny. Now where are you?

Mycroft     22:59   
I thought you wanted John to be safe. Are you    
certain that sneaking out from under your    
protective detail is the best way in which to    
accomplish that?

Mycroft     23:08   
Sherlock, where are you?

Mycroft     23:20   
You were seen entering a taxi that is currently    
heading southwest on the M3. Do not make me    
come and fetch you. What is your plan here?

Mycroft     23:29   
You do realise of course that if you let me in on    
your plans for once, we could coordinate our    
efforts, don’t you?

Mycroft     23:31   
Despite what you may think, I am not the    
enemy here, brother mine.

Mycroft     23:36   
Clearly you aren’t intending on including me in    
whatever scheme you’ve hatched. So for once in    
your life don’t do anything foolish.

[Sent]     23:47   
Addlestone. Disused sweets factory along the    
river. Lestrade should have the exact location in    
his files.

[Sent]     23:48   
Send backup but do not intervene unless    
absolutely necessary.

[Sent]     23:48   
And a clean-up crew.

Mycroft     23:49   
Am I to presume Ms Morstan has been located    
then?

[Sent]     23:49   
If you must intervene, above all else, above my    
own safety, protect John, or I will never forgive    
you.

[Sent]     23:49   
If you care about me at all, you will protect him.

[Sent]     23:50   
Whatever it takes.


	167. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes

Mycroft     22:49  
Is this really the most appropriate time for  
this? You two have missed your check-in.  
Please put Richardson out of his misery of  
listening to this and go check in.

Mycroft    22:52  
For god’s sake, John. I do not want to be having  
this conversation about my brother. Go. Check.  
In.

Mycroft    22:58  
Honestly, I am shocked that you would put him  
in this level of danger. That you would allow it.  
Where are you?

Mycroft     23:14  
I would have a much easier time offering my  
assistance and protection if you two would let  
me in on your little plans. Is this the two of you  
trying to escape ahead of your wife, or trying to  
confront her?

[Sent]     23:15  
Try again.

Mycroft     23:17  
Are you two trying to escape ahead of Ms Morstan,  
or trying to confront her? Do not shut me out  
when I can help you, John.

Mycroft     23:25  
John. This is absurd. You are risking his life for a  
fool’s errand.

Mycroft    23:35  
Don’t get him killed.

[Sent]     23:51  
No matter what happens here, you get him  
out first, okay?

[Sent]    23:52  
Promise me. You get him out first. No matter  
what. No matter what he says. You get him out  
first. You get him out as soon as you’re able.

Mycroft     23:53  
Yes. I will. But if anything happens to him, it’ll  
be on your shoulders.

[Sent]     23:54  
I know.


	168. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

[Sent]     23:45  
I’m here. Doesn’t seem to be anyone watching   
the main door, but I can’t be certain yet.

John     23:46  
Okay. I’m almost there in place, wait two   
minutes.

John     23:49  
Okay. There’s a docking bay on the south end of   
the building, I’m coming through there. No one   
in sight. Don’t hear anything either.

 _[Draft]     23:50_   
_You don’t have to do this, you know? You don’t_   
_have to go in. You can still stay outside. Stay_ _  
safe._

[Sent]     23:51  
John, just make sure you aren’t seen. Don’t do   
anything stupid, okay?

John     23:51  
You’re about to walk in and meet a murderer.   
We can handle stupid.

John     23:52  
Be safe, please. If it looks like you can get out   
before things get heavy, get out.

 _[Draft]     23:53_ _  
_ _And leave you there with her? Not a chance._

[Sent]     23:54  
You be careful, too.

[Sent]     23:54  
I’m going to wait until closer to midnight to go   
inside. Make certain no one is lurking about out   
here first.

John     23:55  
Do you hear anything? The river out here is   
bloody loud when you’re standing half in it. The   
wharf back here is tiny though, if there were   
anyone else back here we’d be standing on each   
other.

[Sent]     23:57  
No, nothing. It’s quieter than I expected. I don’t   
like it. But there’s nothing else for it now, is   
there?

[Sent]     23:58  
I’m going in.

[Sent]     23:58  
I love you.

John     23:59  
I love you. Get out as soon as you can. If I’m not   
with you, I’ll meet you at home.

 _[Draft]     23:59_ _  
_ _I’m not leaving here without you._

[Sent]     23:59  
Let’s go end this.

John     23:59  
I’m right behind you.


	169. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock     23:45  
I’m here. Doesn’t seem to be anyone watching   
the main door, but I can’t be certain yet.

[Sent]     23:46  
Okay. I’m almost there in place, wait two   
minutes.

[Sent]     23:49  
Okay. There’s a docking bay on the south end of   
the building, I’m coming through there. No one   
in sight. Don’t hear anything either.

Sherlock     23:51  
John, just make sure you aren’t seen. Don’t do   
anything stupid, okay?

[Sent]     23:51  
You’re about to walk in and meet a murderer.   
We can handle stupid.

[Sent]     23:52  
Be safe, please. If it looks like you can get out   
before things get heavy, get out.

 _[Draft]     23:53  
_ _Promise me, Sherlock._

_[Draft]     23:53_   
_Promise. Me. Everything she’s done to us has_   
_been my doing and I can’t see you suffer for  
it again. I just can’t._

Sherlock     23:54  
You be careful, too.

Sherlock     23:54  
I’m going to wait until closer to midnight to go   
inside. Make certain no one is lurking about out   
here first.

[Sent]     23:55  
Do you hear anything? The river out here is   
bloody loud when you’re standing half in it. The   
wharf back here is tiny though, if there were   
anyone else back here we’d be standing on each   
other.

[Draft]     23:57  
_Answer me, Christ, you need to answer quicker  
than this._

Sherlock     23:57  
No, nothing. It’s quieter than I expected. I don’t   
like it. But there’s nothing else for it now, is   
there?

Sherlock     23:58  
I’m going in.

Sherlock     23:58  
I love you.

[Sent]     23:59  
I love you. Get out as soon as you can. If I’m not   
with you, I’ll meet you at home.

Sherlock     23:59  
Let’s go end this.

[Sent]     23:59  
I’m right behind you.


	170. Sherlock - Transcript of 999 Call for Service

##### 5 February 2015 00:07  
Category A Red 2

| 

##### Document # 64RR1D385  
Restricted Use Copy  
  
---|---  
  
####  _NHS AMBULANCE SERVICE_

#####  _Transcript of 999 Call for Service_

  
  


Operator  
  
| Emergency. Which service do you require?  
  
  
---|---  
  
  
| [unintelligible]  
  
  
Operator  
  
| Hello? Which service do you require?  
  
  
  
  
| [unintelligible]  
  
  
Operator  
  
| Hello, do you need assist--  
  
  
  
  
|  _[simultaneously] [background]_ Vatican cameos!  
  
  
  
  
|  [movement]  
  
  
  
  
| [gun shot]  
  
  
  
  
| [unintelligible]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ John!  
  
  
Operator  
  
|  _[simultaneously]_ Is someone there?  
  
  
John  
  
|  _[background]_ I'm okay, Sherlock.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ No, you’re not, you’re not okay. She shot you.  
  
  
John  
  
|  _[background]_ Sherlock, stop. You’re panicking. She's-- It's over. We're fine. I’m fine. I’m-- I’m gonna be-- I’m gonna be fine. Just dial 999, would you?  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ Oh, I--  
  
  
  
  
|  [movement]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
| Gun shot victim. Thigh. Possibly femoral artery judging by the blood loss. Occurred approximately six minutes ago. [unintelligible] John!  
  
  
  
  
| [struggling]  
  
  
Operator  
  
|  _[simultaneously]_ Stay calm, sir. I’ll connect you to the ambulance.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ What do I do, John? What can I-- I can’t--  
  
  
  
  
|  [struggling]  
  
  
  
  
| [unintelligible]  
  
  
Ambulance Service  
| Hello, where are you calling from?  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
| Addlestone. There's, um, an old confectionery factory. A-along the river. Get here now.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ John. Don’t--  
  
  
Ambulance Service  
| And what’s your phone number, sir?  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
| [PERSONAL INFORMATION REDACTED]  
  
  
Ambulance Service  
| What is the nature of your emergency?  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ John. No, John.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
| He, he’s been shot. In th-the thigh. Possibly femoral artery. And there was a, um, blow to the head, too.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ John John John. Don’t-- Just--  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
| Hurry up!  
  
  
Ambulance Service  
| While you’re speaking to me, the ambulance is on its way. How old is the patient?  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
| Stop asking ques-- [unintelligible] 42. He’s 42.  
  
  
Ambulance Service  
| Is he conscious and breathing?  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
| Yes. Yes. Just hurry up, I can’t [unintelligible].  
  
  
  
  
| [struggling]  
  
  
Ambulance Service  
| Listen, sir. Listen to me. You need to apply pressure. Both to the wound and to the artery. Do you know where to find the artery?  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
| Of course I do, I’m not an idiot. But I can’t, I can’t--  
  
  
Ambulance Service  
| You can, sir. It’s okay. I know it’s frightening. But you can do this. Don’t be afraid to push hard. Use the heel of your hand. And try to keep him conscious. Talk to him. Have him talk to you.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[simultaneously]_ No, you don’t understand, I-- I can’t get to him. I’m--  
  
  
  
  
|  [struggling]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ John! I’m-- Maybe I can [unintelligible]. Hold on, John. I'm coming.  
  
  
  
  
|  [struggling]  
  
  
Ambulance Service  
|  _[simultaneously]_ Sir, listen to me.  
  
  
  
  
|  [struggling]  
  
  
  
  
| [unintelligible]  
  
  
  
  
| [pained cry]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ John!  
  
  
  
  
|  [unintelligible]  
  
  
  
  
| [footsteps]  
  
  
Ambulance Service  
|  _[simultaneously]_ Sir?  
  
  
  
  
|  [loud clatter]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ John. Don’t. No, John.  
  
  
Ambulance Service  
|  _[simultaneously]_ Sir? Are you there?  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ Open your eyes. Please. Good. Just stay with me. You need to stay conscious.  
  
  
  
  
|  [pained cry]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ I know. I’m sorry. I have to keep pressure [unintelligible]. Keep talking. Um. About anything. Anything at all. Like… Th-the weather. Or Mrs Hudson's tea. Or, or the solar system. Anything. Anything. You-- There you go. That’s it. Stay awake. Keep your eyes on me. Maybe, um… Do you remember the day we met?  
  
  
John  
  
|  _[background]_ Sherlock...  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ No. Stay still. Just… Talk to me. Do you remember?  
  
  
John  
  
|  _[background]_ Yes.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ I told you that day that potential flatmates should know the worst about each other. But I-I think I might have left a few things out. [quiet laugh] Tell me what I forgot. What did I leave out?  
  
  
John  
  
|  _[background]_ No, Sherlock, I'm--  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ No. What did I miss?  
  
  
John  
  
|  _[background]_ You… You get bored.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ Yes. Yes. I get bored. And when I get bored, sometimes I get a bit… tetchy.  
  
  
John  
  
|  _[background]_ You can… say that again.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ That’s good. That’s good. Just hold on. What else?  
  
  
John  
  
|  _[background]_ The fridge. Th-the body parts.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ [quiet laugh] True. I probably should have warned you about the head at least.  
  
  
  
  
|  [quiet laugh]  
  
  
  
  
| [groan]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ Don’t. Don’t. Just stay still.  
  
  
John  
  
|  _[background]_ Sherlock…  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ Don’t. Just… Don’t. What else?  
  
  
John  
  
|  _[background]_ I-- Sherlock, listen…  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ Stop moving, you idiot. [crying] They’re on their way. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be fine.  
  
  
  
  
|  [distant sirens]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ Do you hear them? They’re coming. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. What else should I have said? What else? I, um, I never clean… I’ll, I'll drag you out of the flat at all hours for cases. But you’ll love that… What else did I leave out? I have a bad habit of only saying the, um, the things I shouldn’t say and never saying the th-things I should... And someday I might do some terrible, awful things, things I’ll regret and never be able to apologise enough for. But I’ll do them for you. John. John. Open your eyes. Can you do that for me? John. Please. They’re on their way. Stay with me. I should’ve-- I should’ve told you those things and begged you to come home with me anyway. Because I knew. I knew then that I-- That I was going to love you. And I should’ve said it so much sooner. No, John, no. No no no. Open your eyes. John. Don’t. Please. No. John!  
  
  
  
  
|  [crying]  
  
  
  
  
| [sirens]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ Don’t leave me here.  
  
  
  
  
|  [door opening]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ Please don’t. Don’t make me do this without you again. I don’t know how anymore. John.  
  
  
  
  
|  [unintelligible voices]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ Please stay. Please.  
  
  
  
  
|  [crying]  
  
  
  
  
| [footsteps]  
  
  
Paramedic  
  
|  _[background]_ Sir, let us… We’ve got him. We’ve got it from here. You can let go. Sir, you need to let go.  
  
  
  
  
|  [unintelligible voices]  
  
  
  
  
| [movement]  
  
  
  
  
| [unintelligible voices]  
  
  
  
  
| [footsteps]  
  
  
  
  
| [movement]  
  
  
Paramedic  
  
|  _[background]_ Sir, are you family?  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ I’m-- No, I’m--  
  
  
Paramedic  
  
|  _[background]_ Then I’m sorry, but you can’t come with us.  
  
  
  
  
|  [movement]  
  
  
  
  
| [unintelligible voices]  
  
  
  
  
| [footsteps]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ But he’s--  
  
  
Paramedic  
  
|  _[background]_ Family only. I’m sorry.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ But he’s-- he’s my--  
  
  
  
  
|  [movement]  
  
  
  
  
| [footsteps]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background]_ He’s my-- John. John!  
  
  
  
  
|  [running footsteps]  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background, distant]_ John!  
  
  
Mycroft  
  
|  _[background, distant]_ Sherlock.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background, distant]_ John!  
  
  
Mycroft  
  
|  _[background, distant]_ Sherlock, come on. _[louder]_ Someone grab his mobile please. And get the clean-up team in here. Now.  
  
  
Sherlock  
  
|  _[background, distant]_ John! John!  
  
  
Mycroft  
  
|  _[background, distant]_ Get in the car. We’ll be right behind him.  
  
  
  
  
|  [crying]  
  
  
  
  
| [footsteps, closer]  
  
  
Mycroft  
  
|  _[background, distant]_ Come on.  
  
  
  
  
|  [movement]  
  
  
Mycroft  
  
|  _[background]_ I'm sorry, little bee.  
  
  
  
  
|  [end of call]  
  



	171. Sherlock - Witness Statement and Addendum

  

 

 

**CONFIDENTIAL**

**DO NOT COPY**

 

Property of the United Kingdom

Secret Intelligence Service

 

Record partially redacted prior to release

Released under official authorisation of: MH611174  

 

Unauthorised distribution or publication of this record, in whole or in part, is a violation of the Official Secrets Act of 1989 (c. 6) and will be subject to prosecution as outlined in Section 10.

 

**CONFIDENTIAL**

**DO NOT COPY**

  

 

  

* * *

  

PAGE 1

 **Witness Statement**  
(CJ Act 1967, s.9; MC Act 1980, ss.5A(3)(a) and 5B; MC rules 1981, r.70)

 

Statement of: W██████ S███████ S████ H█████

Age: ██

Occupation: ████████████████████

\--------------------------------------------------

This statement (consisting of      3      pages each signed by me) is true to the best of my knowledge and belief and I make it knowing that, if it is tendered in evidence, I shall be liable to prosecution if I have wilfully stated anything in it which I know to be false, or do not believe to be true.

Signature: ███████████████                              Date:  7 February 2015 

\--------------------------------------------------

M███ M██████ contacted me via text message shortly after 21:00 on 4 February. She asked me to meet her, alone, at midnight at ████████████████████████████. J███ and I left our flat at approximately 22:30, and I contacted M██████ while we were in route so that he would be ready to apprehend her once we had subdued her. We took a taxi to ██████████ and then split up, planning to enter the building separately and catch her by surprise. I continued the rest of the way in the taxi, while J███ made his way around to the docking bay by the river on foot. At midnight, I entered through the main doors, where M███ was waiting. She ensured that I was unarmed and indicated that she was surprised I had actually come alone. I replied that I hadn’t wanted to risk J███’s safety by bringing him along. I wanted to keep her talking to give J███ time to make his way to us, so I asked her a few questions about things she’d done, her past, etc.

Signature: ███████████████                              Signature witnessed by: █████████████

 

* * *

  

INSERTED PAGE 1A (NOT INCLUDED IN ORIGINAL STATEMENT)

Date:  9 February 2015 

Addendum to statement originally made on:  7 February 2015 

\--------------------------------------------------

 

I have been informed that I must provide further details of the conversation I had with M███ prior to J███’s arrival. I wish it to be known that I am providing this information under duress from my insufferable prat of a brother and that if he tells J███ a word of this, I will personally see to it that he isn’t capable of speaking a word to anyone ever again. And no, I don’t care that that threat is now on official record. It’s bad enough that J███ is in hospital--he doesn’t need this to add to his pain.

M███ expressed surprise that I hadn’t brought J███ along, and I said that I hadn’t because it was too dangerous and that I wanted to keep him safe. She replied that he likes danger, to which I responded that she didn’t know anything about what he likes. She informed me that she knew more than I thought and that she knew about his feelings for me long before I did, that she knew long before she married him. I asked her why she married him in that case, and she replied that she did it because of me. She had done it to get back at me for destroying her network. After she killed J██ M███████--she replaced what should have been a fake gun with a real one before our encounter on the roof of ████████--having been his second in command for several years, she was poised to take over his empire and even his name. But when I faked my death and set out to take down all the pieces of his network, it ruined most of her plans. The entire reason she had gotten close to J███ was in an effort to find out my location, assuming that he would know and was simply faking his grief, but by the time she discovered that he actually believed me to be dead, I had already destroyed too many of M███████’s connections for her to salvage much of it. She knew that I would come back for J███ when the work was done, however, so she positioned herself to take him away from me, just as I had taken her empire from her. She agreed to marry him because she knew that it would hurt me. She asked me to help plan the wedding because she knew that it would hurt me. She asked me to compose their wedding waltz because she knew that it would hurt me. All of it was done out of petty spite, for revenge. Because I have been stupidly obvious, and she knew, just as M███████ had known, that the best way to get to me has always been through him.

 

Signature: ███████████████                              Signature witnessed by: █████████████

 

* * *

  

INSERTED PAGE 1B (NOT INCLUDED IN ORIGINAL STATEMENT)

 

I didn’t want J███ to hear what she had to say about him, to know that he had been little more than a pawn in her game, so I steered the conversation back toward her more distant past before he could approach us. She revealed that she had come to work for M███████ in the summer of 2009, moving quickly from hired help to trusted partner, or as close to a partner as M███████ would have allowed. However, she indicated she grew tired of his obsessive focus on me and decided that she wanted out. He originally agreed, but something happened to make her doubt his sincerity--she didn’t elaborate, and I didn’t ask--and she decided it would be better to get him out of the picture and take over his business for herself, which as I have stated, did not go as she had planned.

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

Signature: ███████████████                              Signature witnessed by: █████████████

 

* * *

  

PAGE 2

 

In the meantime, J███ was approaching from the south side of the building. I kept her talking so that he could close in on her unnoticed. After several minutes, I saw J███ just at the edge of the shadows to her right. I still don’t know if she heard him moving or if I somehow gave it away, but as soon as he stepped into the light, she turned and fired. In my eagerness to keep her talking, I hadn’t even questioned why she would allow it. I should have known better. I should have realised that she knew. Of course she knew he would come with me. I allowed him to come along, and she shot him.

Either he anticipated the shot or possibly it’s where she was aiming all along, but the bullet hit him in the thigh. He went down, and I ran for him. I should have run for her, I know, gotten to her while she was distracted, but I couldn’t. All I could see was him falling, the blood already beginning to pool under his hands, and I ran. I wasn’t paying attention to her, and somehow by the time I reached him, she had a second gun in her hands, one aimed at each of us. She forced me to back away, back to a railing little more than three metres from J███. There was a pair of handcuffs there, one side already closed around the railing and the other hanging open, and she told me to cuff myself. I left it as loose as possible, hoping she would come to check and I could try to disarm her when she got close, or perhaps I could escape while she was otherwise distracted. But I should have known she'd see through it. I failed to give her cruelty enough credit. I underestimated her yet again. She knew exactly what I was doing, and it was J███ who had to pay for my mistake. He was looking at me, waiting for a sign of what to do I suppose, so he didn’t even see it coming. She hit him across the face with one of the guns, and he went down hard and didn’t move.

She told me then that if I didn’t tighten the cuff, she’d do worse. I had no choice but to do as she said, which left me with no way to get to him or to stop her from doing whatever she wanted. I didn't know what she might do--she could have done just about anything to either of us then, kill us both and be done with it--but her ego and her petty spite won out. She taunted me, never able to resist a jab in my direction, boasting that she was going to finish M██████’s work and finally be the one to destroy me, that she was of course going to kill me, too, but that first she was going to make me watch J███ bleed out, watch him die, unable to get to him, unable to stop it, knowing that it was my fault for bringing him along, that he could have been safe if it weren’t for me. And she was right. He was lying there bleeding and there was nothing at all I could do to stop it.

The only thing I could think to do to possibly help was to dial Emergency Services on my mobile in my pocket so that maybe there’d be a chance for him to survive, if they could make it there in time.

  

Signature: ███████████████                              Signature witnessed by: █████████████

 

* * *

  

PAGE 3

 

After a few more minutes of her ceaseless gloating, M███ decided that it would be more ‘fun’ if I were also dying, so she took aim at me and debated precisely where to place her shot. But focusing all her attention on me was her biggest mistake.

She, like so many others before her, underestimated J███. She had married him and still didn't know him, didn't understand the first thing about him. She hadn't learned things I had practically the day I met him. J███ W█████ may look harmless with his soft jumpers and his warm smiles, but when someone he cares for is in danger, he is anything but. He has proved it countless times before, and once again, he’d simply been waiting for his opportunity. It turned out M███ hadn't knocked him out after all, and as she aimed at me, she stepped closer to him and he saw his chance. He yelled to draw her attention, and I ducked. By the time I stood again, he had taken her to the ground and managed to grab one of the guns, and she was already dead from a single, well-placed bullet.

J███ tried to work his way toward me then, but he had already lost a significant amount of blood and his actions against M███ hadn’t helped matters. I remembered my mobile then and had Emergency Services send an ambulance for him. However, I knew he was in danger of bleeding out before they would make it there, so I dislocated my thumb in order to free myself and try to help him. Even with my efforts though, if J███ hadn’t dispatched M███ when he did--and if my meddlesome brother hadn’t already put an ambulance en route even before my call to Emergency Services was placed--J███ wouldn’t be alive today.

Therefore, as you can clearly see, if you aren’t an idiot and bother to follow the rather simple facts, the death of M███ M██████ was entirely in self-defence. Neither J███ nor I carried a weapon. We entered the confrontation with the intention of having my brother bring her in, alive; we only needed to subdue her and provide him with enough time to reach us. However, M███ had no intention of going quietly, and in the face of an imminent threat, J███ did the only thing he could to save me. To save us both. In the process, he rid the world of a cunning, remorseless assassin wanted for crimes perpetrated in at least 11 countries and who admitted plainly that her intentions had been to take over the international criminal enterprise previously run by J██ M███████. J███ and I personally, the United Kingdom, the whole of Europe, and the entire damned planet are better off without her, and if M██████ allows charges to be brought against J███ for this, I will never speak to him again and will be certain that our mother knows what a terrible blight she has forced upon the world by giving birth to him in the first place.

   
  
  
Signature: ███████████████                              Signature witnessed by: █████████████

 


	172. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

It’s over.

It’s been nine days. Granted, I’m still in hospital and I’m just starting to come out of the painkiller haze so I’ve had better stretches of nine days, but full recovery’s expected and all that. There’s been talk of using crutches once I graduate from the wheelchair, but no one has mentioned a cane for the long-term. I think they’re all too afraid of Sherlock to even bring it up.

But anyway, nine days.

Nine days that Sherlock and I have had without Moriarty. Ten, if you count the day we met in Bart’s lab. The first day, and by the second Moriarty had already arrived, and now these. Nine days.

Moriarty is gone. The man, and the entire criminal network, and the woman who wanted it. Mary. Who wanted to take Moriarty’s place, and when she failed at that, to take Sherlock’s.

In the end I was just a pawn.

God, I’ve never been so glad in my life to have been a pawn.

I never have to think about her again. I never have to wonder if she loved me, even a little bit, even when she shot me, even when she saw that I was going to shoot her. She didn’t. I was nothing to her but a route to revenge.

I’m angry, though, and embarrassed, that she knew what Sherlock and I had and I didn’t. That she could use it against us both and here we both were, twiddling our thumbs, always missing each other. That she could put Sherlock through everything she did, what  _ I  _ did with her, knowing what it was doing to him, what it must have been doing to him--planning the wedding, writing the waltz--Christ,  _ dancing lessons _ \--and I was oblivious.

And then there was that blog post he did after the wedding, and I still didn’t get it, and then there were the drugs, and I  _ still  _ didn’t get it. And then he wanted to die.

I put him through that. He gave me up to her and sacrificed himself because he thought that was what I wanted, and he would’ve died, and that was what Moriarty wanted all along. I can’t decide whether to be furious or horrified with myself. I’m just guilty. Ashamed. Terrified of the person I became without intending to be.

It’s been nine days and I still can’t think of a way to make it up to him. I don’t think I ever can. Even thinking to try sounds juvenile and pathetic and I did this to him just as well as she did, by refusing to jump, by refusing to dare. I was the salt in the wounds and it’s been nine days and he still takes my hand like he’s not sure if he’s allowed and he still flinches sometimes when I reach for him and I have no idea what I’m going to do. Or what he’s going to do. If he can forgive me.

If he even recognises that there’s something to forgive.

Moriarty is over. Mary is dead. The baby has been taken away by her father and apparently he’s over the moon for her.

It’s just me and Sherlock, and all the wrongs we’ve done each other, and a future full of trying to put things right.

And the truth is, we have so much life left to live. I want--things. With Sherlock. To go home, first of all. I want to sit on the sofa and eat Chinese food and laugh at each other. I want to go on cases again, real cases, clients and running and making fun of Lestrade behind his back. And I want to love Sherlock. I want to love him so much he can never wonder about it again. I want to show him. Kiss him. Learn him. Which things will make him smile in the mornings, which things will make him laugh. If all the things I used to know are still true, or what’s changed.  Maybe even which things will make him--gasp. His body--his hands--his mouth--I have to stop or my heart rate monitor will give me away.

It’s been nine days and I don’t yet know whether we can have that life. I don’t know if everything that’s happened will prove to be too much. I  _ know _ I can love him--that I will love him, no matter what happens--but I don’t know if he can. For me. I might have broken too much between us. I might have gone too far to have that life.

Please, god. Please let us have that.


	173. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

_[Draft]     21:18_   
_Are you hungry? The miserable excuse for food_   
_at that hospital should be outlawed._

_[Draft]     21:26_   
_What if you need something? That nurse you_   
_prefer, the one with the eyebrows, she isn’t on_   
_the rotation tonight--spending the night at her_   
_girlfriend’s flat in Clapham, judging by her left_   
_ankle when she came round yesterday. I could_   
_still come back if you might need me._

_[Draft]     21:33_   
_John, please don’t make me go home alo_

_[Draft]     21:34_   
_Had the taxi drop me on the far side of the park._   
_Going to walk the rest of the way._

_[Draft]     21:51_   
_God I need a cigarette before I can do this._   
_Though on second thought I probably shouldn’t_   
_tell you that._

_[Draft]     21:59_   
_I can do this. For you, because you asked me to._   
_I’ll shower. I’ll try to sleep a little, and I’ll be_   
_back first thing in the morning. It’ll be fine. It’s_   
_just one night here without you. I’ve had plenty_   
_of those. This isn’t any different. It’s fine. I can_   
_manage one night alone. It’s going to be fine._

[Sent]     22:06  
Made it back to the flat.

[Sent]     22:06  
In case you were wondering.

John     22:07  
Good. Thank you. Did you get something to eat?

[Sent]     22:08  
Mrs Hudson brought up some biscuits she   
baked.

John     22:09  
Good. Eat them. Shower. Sleep. I’ll see you in   
the morning.

John     22:11  
Is the flat in order or did Mycroft’s men make a   
mess of it after they found out we’d gone?

[Sent]     22:12  
It’s surprisingly clean. They probably had to   
straighten things up to put in new cameras.

[Sent]     22:12  
I’ll find them later. Pull them all out again.

[Sent]     22:13  
Or we can just leave them and give Mycroft a   
good look at things he’ll never want to see   
again.

 _[Draft]     22:13_   
_I can’t wait for you to be out of that hospital so_ _  
we can_

John     22:16  
Tempting. When I get home I’ll help you pull   
them all out. We can take turns throwing them   
out the windows.

[Sent]     22:16  
I’ll make sure to tell Mrs Hudson to leave the   
lids off her bins. Give us something to aim for.

[Sent]     22:17  
I’m going to pop into the shower now.

[Sent]     22:17  
You should sleep. I’ll talk to you in the morning.

 _[Draft]     22:17_   
_Call me if you need anything. Anything at all. I_ _  
can be there in twenty minutes._

John     22:18  
Make sure you lock the doors.

John     22:21  
Text me when you get to bed, so I know you’re   
safe.

John     22:22  
I know it’s stupid, but just. Please. So I know.

 _[Draft]     22:28_   
_It’s not stupid. Not at all. I only agreed to come_   
_back here in the first place because I knew_   
_Mycroft’s agents would be there keeping an eye_ _  
on you._

[Sent]     22:29  
Doors are locked. Windows are shut. I’m sure   
Mycroft is watching every cctv in a 5 km radius,   
just in case.   
  
[Sent]     22:30   
But we’re okay.

[Sent]     22:30  
We’re okay, John.

 _[Draft]     22:31_   
_I know you need to hear that. We’re going to be_   
_okay. We’ll find a way to make it okay. I don’t_ _  
know how but_

John     22:33  
We’re not okay until I’m back home with you.

John     22:34  
Not until I know she didn’t take that from us.

John     22:36  
Sorry. I’m being dramatic. I’m on a lot of   
painkillers I guess. Go to sleep and I’ll see you in   
the morning.

 _[Draft]     22:36_ _  
_ _If only it were that easy._

 _[Draft]     22:36_   
_You asked me to go home, so I did, but I don’t_   
_know how you expect me to sleep here without_   
_you. And certainly not in our bed. I won’t do it,_ _  
John._

 _[Draft]     22:37_   
_I sound like an idiot, don’t I? If I told you that,_   
_you’d just tell me to go to bed anyway, that I’ve_   
_slept in there for years by myself without a_   
_problem and nothing has changed. But you’d be_   
_wrong. Everything has changed. And I can’t do_   
_it. Not anymore. Not now that I’ve shared it_   
_with you. You belong there. You belong there_ _  
with me._

 _[Draft]     22:39_   
_I suppose for your sake that I can try the sofa._   
_But I make no promises about actually sleeping._ _  
I know that’s not what you want to hear, but_

[Sent]     22:41  
Had almost forgotten what it’s like to sleep in a   
real bed.

[Sent]     22:41  
Don’t know how I’ll ever fall asleep without you   
snoring away beside me though.

John     22:42  
I do not snore. You snore.

John     22:43  
I didn’t think I’d have any trouble falling asleep   
since I’ve spent so much time in hospital   
already.  I know what you mean though.

John     22:43  
You have to sleep so you can come see me again   
tomorrow. Bring me some of Mrs Hudson’s   
biscuits.

[Sent]     22:44  
We should both sleep.

 _[Draft]     22:45_   
_Tell me no. Ask me to come back. I’ll come back_ _  
right now. Just ask me. Please._

[Sent]      22:48  
Good night, John.

John     22:53  
Good night, Sherlock. I love you.

[Sent]      22:53  
I love you.

[Sent]     22:53  
I’ll see you in eight hours. Biscuits in hand.

John     22:54  
Make it nine. Sleep in. Good night.

 _[Draft]     22:56_ _  
_ _We both know it will be more like six._

[Sent]     22:56  
Good night.

 _[Draft]     22:56_ _  
_ _I’ll be there when you wake up._


	174. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

_[Draft]      21:13_   
_Wait, come back. Fuck. I didn’t_

_[Draft]      21:14_   
_I actually didn’t think you’d really leave._

_[Draft]      21:17_   
_I need to pull it together. I KNOW you need to_   
_go home, you’ve been here nine goddamn days._   
_You need to shower properly. You need to sleep_   
_in a real bed for longer than forty-five minutes._   
_You need to eat real, non-canteen food. You_   
_need to take care of yourself, not just me._

_[Draft]      21:19_   
_But I don’t like not knowing what else could_   
_be out there._

_[Draft]      21:20_   
_If there is anyone waiting in her stead._

_[Draft]      21:29_   
_I bet you fell asleep in the cab but I wish you’d_   
_text me and tell me you’re all right. I know_   
_Mycroft would tell me if anything were to_   
_happen, but._

_[Draft]      21:37_   
_But would he really? if I couldn’t do anything_   
_about it anyway?_

_[Draft]      21:52_   
_I miss you. I’m worried half to death. I shouldn’t_   
_have sent you away. Please be okay, please be_   
_okay._

Sherlock      22:06  
Made it back to the flat.

Sherlock      22:06  
In case you were wondering.

[Sent]      22:07  
Good. Thank you. Did you get something to  
eat?

Sherlock      22:08  
Mrs Hudson brought up some biscuits she  
baked.

[Sent]      22:09  
Good. Eat them. Shower. Sleep. I’ll see you in  
the morning.

[Sent]      22:11  
Is the flat in order or did Mycroft’s men make a  
mess of it after they found out we’d gone?

Sherlock      22:12  
It’s surprisingly clean. They probably had to  
straighten things up to put in new cameras.

Sherlock      22:12  
I’ll find them later. Pull them all out again.

Sherlock      22:13  
Or we can just leave them and give Mycroft a  
good look at things he’ll never want to see  
again.

_[Draft]      22:14_   
_What things would_

_[Draft]      22:15_   
_No. No, that’s. That’s ours. God, I can’t even_   
_joke about it, I want you so badly._

[Sent]      22:16  
Tempting. When I get home I’ll help you pull  
them all out. We can take turns throwing them  
out the windows.

Sherlock      22:16  
I’ll make sure to tell Mrs Hudson to leave the  
lids off her bins. Give us something to aim for.

Sherlock      22:17  
I’m going to pop into the shower now.

Sherlock      22:17  
You should sleep. I’ll talk to you in the morning.

[Sent]      22:18  
Make sure you lock the doors.

[Sent]      22:21  
Text me when you get to bed, so I know you’re  
safe.

[Sent]      22:22  
I know it’s stupid, but just. Please. So I know.

_[Draft]      22:25_   
_Are you still there? You’re probably just in the_   
_shower. You’re just brushing your teeth._

_[Draft]      22:28_   
_Sherlock are you safe?_

Sherlock      22:29  
Doors are locked. Windows are shut. I’m sure  
Mycroft is watching every cctv in a 5 km radius,  
just in case.

Sherlock      22:30  
But we’re okay.

Sherlock      22:30  
We’re okay, John.

[Sent]      22:33  
We’re not okay until I’m back home with you.

[Sent]      22:34  
Not until I know she didn’t take that from us.

[Sent]      22:36  
Sorry. I’m being dramatic. I’m on a lot of  
painkillers I guess. Go to sleep and I’ll see you in  
the morning.

Sherlock      22:41  
Had almost forgotten what it’s like to sleep in a  
real bed.

Sherlock      22:41  
Don’t know how I’ll ever fall asleep without you  
snoring away beside me though.

[Sent]      22:42  
I do not snore. You snore.

[Sent]      22:43  
I didn’t think I’d have any trouble falling asleep  
since I’ve spent so much time in hospital  
already. I know what you mean though.

[Sent]      22:43  
You have to sleep so you can come see me again  
tomorrow. Bring me some of Mrs Hudson’s  
biscuits.

Sherlock      22:44  
We should both sleep.

Sherlock      22:48  
Good night, John.

_[Draft]      22:49_   
_I love you._

_[Draft]      22:51_   
_Are we still saying that? It’s hard to overcome_   
_the urge to hide from you, even now. I can’t_   
_even remember the last time I said it out loud._

[Sent]      22:53  
Good night, Sherlock. I love you.

Sherlock      22:53  
I love you.

Sherlock      22:53  
I’ll see you in eight hours. Biscuits in hand.

[Sent]      22:54  
Make it nine. Sleep in. Good night.

Sherlock      22:56  
Good night.


	175. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

[Sent]     3:14  
Hey, are you awake?

 _[Draft]     3:15_  
_I wonder if you’re really asleep? I should just_ _  
wait for morning but this is important._

[Sent]     3:16  
Sherlock, if you’re awake, say something.

[Sent]     3:17  
I’m not mad if you can’t sleep, you know. Are  
you there?

Sherlock     3:17  
I’m here. What’s wrong? Do you need  
something?

 _[Draft]     3:18_ _  
_ _Knew you’d be up._

[Sent]     3:18  
Yeah.

[Sent]     3:18  
I mean, nothing’s wrong. But I needed to tell  
you.

[Sent]     3:19  
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I forgot. I forgot  
it. Our first Valentine’s Day. I’m sorry Sherlock.

 _[Draft]     3:20_  
_I’m sorry. Our first day and I forgot. I know you’ll_  
_make some joke about it being stupid and some_  
_manufactured holiday but I know you better_ _  
than that._

Sherlock     3:21  
I’m sorry, I forgot, too. I know I’m going to be  
terrible at all this, but I didn’t expect to start  
quite so soon.

[Sent]     3:23  
You’re not terrible. You’re the best thing that’s  
ever happened to me. Ever.

[Sent]     3:24  
I’m going to make it up to you, okay? When I get  
out of here. Take you on the best date. With all  
Angelo’s candles. You deserve all the best things  
Sherlock. I want to give them to you.

[Sent]     3:25  
I miss you.

Sherlock     3:28  
How much morphine are you on?

Sherlock     3:28  
I miss you, too.

[Sent]     3:29  
Dunno. Nurse was just here. I think they turn  
it up when they change my drips sometimes.

[Sent]     3:30  
I mean it though. You’re the love of my life. I’m  
going to take you on the best Valentine’s date  
anyone’s ever had.

Sherlock     3:32  
That’ll be our first proper date, I suppose.

Sherlock     3:32  
You should know though, I don’t have sex on a  
first date, so don’t get your hopes up.

[Sent]     3:34  
My hopes are well in hand.

[Sent]     3:35  
Shut up now. You’re sleepy. Close your eyes. I’ll  
see you in the morning. The proper morning.

Sherlock     3:37  
It’s not so far away now.

Sherlock     3:37  
Good night. Again.

Sherlock     3:38  
I love you, John. Happy slightly belated  
Valentine’s Day.

[Sent]     3:41  
Night. I love you.

 _[Draft]      3:45_ _  
_ _I love you I love you I love you I love you._


	176. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

John     3:14  
Hey, are you awake?

John     3:16  
Sherlock, if you’re awake, say something.

John     3:17  
I’m not mad if you can’t sleep, you know. Are  
you there?

[Sent]     3:17  
I’m here. What’s wrong? Do you need  
something?

John     3:18  
Yeah.

John     3:18  
I mean, nothing’s wrong. But I needed to tell  
you.

 _[Draft]     3:18_  
_It’s 3 in the morning. What are you even doing_ _  
awake?_

John     3:19  
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I forgot. I forgot  
it. Our first Valentine’s Day. I’m sorry Sherlock.

 _[Draft]     3:19_ _  
_ _Oh_

 _[Draft]     3:19_ _  
_ _I didn’t_

 _[Draft]     3:20_ _  
_ _Stupid. I should have remembered._

[Sent]     3:21  
I’m sorry, I forgot, too. I know I’m going to be  
terrible at all this, but I didn’t expect to start  
quite so soon.

John     3:23  
You’re not terrible. You’re the best thing that’s  
ever happened to me. Ever.

 _[Draft]     3:24_ _  
_ _John, I_

 _[Draft]     3:24_ _  
_ _How can you think that’s even remotely true?_

John     3:24  
I’m going to make it up to you, okay? When I get  
out of here. Take you on the best date. With all  
Angelo’s candles. You deserve all the best things  
Sherlock. I want to give them to you.

John     3:25  
I miss you.

[Sent]     3:28  
How much morphine are you on?

 _[Draft]     3:28_ _  
_ _Wait, I didn’t mean_

[Sent]     3:28  
I miss you, too.

John     3:29  
Dunno. Nurse was just here. I think they turn  
it up when they change my drips sometimes.

John     3:30  
I mean it though. You’re the love of my life. I’m  
going to take you on the best Valentine’s date  
anyone’s ever had.

 _[Draft]     3:31_ _  
_ _The love of your life. The love of_

 _[Draft]     3:31_ _  
_ _John_

[Sent]     3:32  
That’ll be our first proper date, I suppose.

[Sent]     3:32  
You should know though, I don’t have sex on a  
first date, so don’t get your hopes up.

John     3:34  
My hopes are well in hand.

John     3:35  
Shut up now. You’re sleepy. Close your eyes. I’ll  
see you in the morning. The proper morning.

[Sent]     3:37  
It’s not so far away now.

[Sent]     3:37  
Good night. Again.

[Sent]     3:38  
I love you, John. Happy slightly belated  
Valentine’s Day.

 _[Draft]     3:38_  
_I’ll make it up to you. I’m rubbish at all of this,_  
_but I’ll try. For you. I will try to make all of this_ _  
worth it somehow. Because you are_

 _[Draft]     3:39_ _  
_ _John, I don’t even know how to tell you, you are_

John     3:41  
Night. I love you.

 _[Draft]     3:54_ _  
_ _You are more than I could have ever imagined._


	177. Sherlock - Email Thread with Lestrade

**_Received from lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Feb 17, 16:18_ **

How’s John?

 

**_Sent to lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Feb 17, 17:27_ **

You could ask him yourself, you know. He does have a laptop and the marginally adequate ability to type. Surely your skills as a detective must extend far enough to enable you to find his email address, difficult as that must be when it’s listed on his blog.

No, wait. If you were truly interested in John’s well-being, you would have made the effort to email him directly. The fact that you’re emailing me instead means that John’s health isn’t what you actually want to inquire about. You’re simply observing social niceties as the means to an end, breaking the metaphorical ice by asking after John in order to pave way to whatever it is you actually want to discuss. Well, whatever it is, Lestrade, rest assured the answer is no.

 

**_Received from lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Feb 17, 18:46_ **

You know it is possible for people to be genuinely interested in more than one thing simultaneously, right? I can actually want to know how John is doing and want to ask you about a case at the same time. Just because you don’t display any interest in other people’s well-being doesn’t mean the rest of us do the same. So let’s maybe try this again, yeah?

Sherlock, how’s John? 

Also, I have a case that I thought you might want to take a look at. Woman found stabbed to death in a toilet cubicle at her office, but security footage shows no one else going in or out between the start of the work day and when she was found. The scene has been processed, but we haven’t released it yet. I was hoping you might take a look before we do.

 

**_Sent to lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Feb 17, 20:03_ **

John is fine. And I’m not interested.

 

**_Received from lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Feb 17, 20:14_ **

Really? I thought this would be right up your street.

Could really use your help. It would also give you a chance to get out of that hospital room for a bit, shake off some boredom, let John have a bit of a break from you driving him round the twist. God knows I’d need that if I were in his shoes. 

Just come and take a look at the scene, see what you can find. You’ll be gone an hour or two at most.

 

**_Sent to lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Feb 17, 20:19_ **

I said no. I’m not leaving John here alone while I go off and solve your cases for you. It’s your job. Perhaps you should do it for a change.

 

**_Received from lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Feb 17, 20:21_ **

I’m going to ignore that bit about my job because I’m sure John wouldn’t appreciate it if I strangled you right now. (Or maybe he’d prefer it. Perhaps I’ll email him and ask. I do know how to do that after all.) 

But fine, you’re not coming without him, I get it. We’ll manage this one without you.

So when do you want me to start sending you cases again then? After John’s discharged?

 

_ Draft to lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Feb 17, 21:52 _

Well certainly not before then. If you legitimately think that I’m going to voluntarily leave while he’s still convalescing, you’re a bigger idiot than Anderson. Even when he gets home, he’ll still need help. MY help--I’m not leaving Mrs Hudson to look after him, or god forbid Mycroft or his idiot sister. I did this to him. I let him come along, and he got shot. I did this, and it’s my responsibility to fix it, to stay with him until it’s fixed. And then

I don’t know what then. I don’t know. He’s going to want to go on cases again, I know that. I know him. He enjoys it as much as I do. But he can’t go. He can’t. I won’t put him at risk like that again. It’s more than enough that practically everyone in London already knows that they can go after him to get to me. It’s not exactly a difficult deduction when everything about our lives has been splashed across the papers, detailed on John’s blog. People like Moriarty and Magnussen and Mary, anyone else still lurking in the shadows, anyone who might decide their own interests would be better served if John and I weren’t in the way, they all know that he is valuable to me. They know he makes me vulnerable. They even know where we live. That’s far more than enough.  I’m not going to make it any easier for anyone by parading him around like a target. I worked alone before, I can do it again. I know he’s going to put up a fight about it, but I don’t care. If he’s safe, that’s all that matters. Even if he. Even if he leaves. The silence in this flat without him in it is nearly unbearable, and if I can find a way to keep him safe AND keep him here then I will--I will try anything to have that--but if this ends and he goes somewhere else and is safe and whole and alive and the only price I have to pay is the lack of footsteps on the stairs, the lack of warmth in our bed, then that’s what I will do because a lack of John in the world is never going to be an acceptable alternative.

  
  


**_Sent to lestrade.g@met.police.uk, Feb 17, 22:30_ **

I don’t know. I’ll let you know.


	178. John - Text Thread with Harry Watson

Harry     10:33  
You still alive?

[Sent]     11:12  
God. After some of this PT I think I’ll wish I   
wasn’t. But yeah.

Harry     11:18  
Good. Was thinking I’ll stop by again early this   
afternoon if you’re up for it.

[Sent]     11:20  
Yeah. Should just be me and Sherlock up here.  
Bring him a proper sandwich from somewhere,  
will you? He’s not picky, maybe a ham and   
swiss? Mustard, no tomato. 

Harry     11:23  
I’m not the lunch lady.

[Sent]     11:25  
No but he’s not great about eating the canteen  
food here. Come on. Do it for me. I’m in   
hospital and everything, you can do this one   
thing for me.

Harry     11:29  
Ugh. Fine. Anything else for his majesty?

[Sent]     11:31  
Thank you. Get him a pastry of some kind. Fruit  
over chocolate but either is good. 

Harry     11:34  
Shall I encrust it all with gold leaf on the way   
over?

[Sent]     11:36  
If you have it handy. 

Harry     11:38  
It’s just like you to be more worried about him  
than yourself. 

Harry     11:39  
By the way, you didn’t say you two had worked   
it out but it was pretty hard not to notice the  
last time I was there. 

Harry     11:40  
I’m sorry about Mary and everything but I   
always knew it was going to be you two in the   
end.

[Sent]    11:46  
Yeah, thanks, I know what mistakes I’ve made,  
you don’t need to rub it in. 

Harry     11:48  
Well I hope you’ve at least talked about it. Clear   
the air and so on. 

[Sent]     11:49  
Leave it, all right? It’s not your business. 

Harry     11:52  
Don’t get all in a twist over it, I’m just saying.  
Jeez. Maybe next time marry the person you’re  
in love with and not the one you’re settling for.

[Sent]     11:55  
Fuck off. You don’t know anything about it, you  
don’t know anything that’s happened so just  
fuck right off. I fucking know I messed up all   
right? I fucking know what I did. 

[Sent]     11:56  
I fucked up and it nearly killed him and I have   
to live with that. I’ll never pay enough for what  
I did. I can’t. So just fucking leave it and let us  
get on with trying to live now with what we   
have left for however long we have it, okay? 

Harry     12:20  
Do you still want that sandwich for him?

[Sent]      12:25  
Please.

Harry     12:26  
Okay. 


	179. John -Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

[Sent]      20:37  
So Greg just stopped by. He had something  
really interesting to say about a dead woman in  
a toilet cubicle.

Sherlock     20:38  
Did he? That’s probably the first interesting  
thing he’s had to say in his life then.

[Sent]     20:40  
See, I can tell that you know exactly what he  
had to say because you didn’t even try to  
pretend like you didn’t know who I meant by  
Greg.

[Sent]     20:41  
Why didn’t you go take a look at that crime  
scene? He could’ve really used your help.

Sherlock      20:43  
You’re still in a hospital bed. I’m not running off  
to a crime scene, which was barely a 6 by the  
way, and leaving you there.

Sherlock     20:43  
Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Stay there  
and take care of you?

[Sent]     20:46  
No, that’s what all my doctors are supposed to  
do.

[Sent]     20:47  
I appreciate you being here for me, truly, but I’m  
okay, and it’s been nearly two weeks and it’s  
time we start getting our lives back to normal.  
I’ll be fine if you pop out for a few hours to a  
crime scene.

 _[Draft]     20:48_  
_You can’t wait for me forever. Just don’t do_  
_anything stupid without me there to back you_ _  
up._

Sherlock     20:50  
So, what? I just go with Lestrade every time he  
calls and leave you there? Maybe you think  
that’s fine when there are doctors and Mycroft’s  
guards all around, but what about when we’re  
home?

[Sent]     20:54  
By the time I go home, I’ll be able to be on my  
own for a while, when I need to be. I know my  
own limits. But otherwise I’ll be with you, so it  
won’t be a problem.

Sherlock     20:56  
And what about after that? What about when  
you’re all healed up?

[Sent]     20:57  
What about it? Then we’ll be together on the  
cases like usual. Of course.

Sherlock     20:57  
No.

[Sent]     20:59  
What do you mean, no?

Sherlock     20:59  
I mean no, we won’t. It’s too risky.

[Sent]     21:01  
Once I’m healed, though, it’ll be the same as it  
always was. Just like how you healed up after  
September and went back to cases, slow at first  
but then back to normal. We’ll just take  
reasonable precautions and it’ll be fine.

Sherlock     21:03  
No, I don’t mean that it’s too risky for you to go  
back out there too quickly. I mean it’s too risky  
for you to go out there at all.

Sherlock     21:03  
Reasonable precautions didn’t stop her from  
shooting you. Reasonable precautions aren’t  
going to stop anyone else from doing the same.  
There are no reasonable precautions against  
losing you.

[Sent]     21:05  
Are you fucking kidding me? You’re not using  
this as an excuse to cut me out. It’s not any  
more dangerous than it’s always been, for either  
of us.

[Sent]     21:06  
I didn’t ask you to stop working cases when you  
got shot so don’t you turn around now and tell  
me I can’t do it anymore while you go off on  
your own and leave me behind. I want to work, I  
want to be out there. You can’t hide me in 221B  
forever just because things got messy once.

Sherlock     21:10  
Do you think I don’t know that you want to be  
out there? Do you think I don’t want you there?  
I have always been better with you at my side,  
and I will always want you there, but I can’t. I  
can’t do it, John. You bled out in my arms, and I  
can’t do that again.

Sherlock     21:11  
THAT’S why I turned down that case.

 _[Draft]     21:14_  
_At least when it was me I lived! At least I had_  
_the fucking courtesy to survive! You want to give_  
_up the cases now when you couldn’t even be_ _  
arsed to give me that? Fuck this._

[Sent]      21:17  
I don’t WANT you to turn down the cases! Do  
you think it wasn’t just as hard for me, to find  
you on the floor like that? after you were shot?  
Do you think I wasn’t worried about you all the  
time after you started taking work again while I  
was still waiting things out at Mary’s? But I can’t  
lock you up and tell you never to work again and  
I wouldn’t dare try, because the work is  
important to you and you need it, and I need to  
be there too.

 _[Draft]     21:18_  
_It would kill you to stop working, I know it_  
_would. And I won’t be your murderer again,_ _  
Sherlock. I won’t._

Sherlock     21:18  
It’s not as important as you!

Sherlock     21:18  
I will give it all up, every single case, every  
client, all of it, if it keeps you safe.

[Sent]     21:19  
No.

 _[Draft]     21:20_  
_No, fuck, stop it, this is exactly what you_  
_thought, wasn’t it, when you were about to_ _  
jump. And when you shot Magnussen._

 _[Draft]     21:21_  
_This is what made it so hard all this time to_  
_come home. I’m so fucking afraid of you_  
_sometimes. I’m so afraid that I don’t know when_  
_you’re going to decide that what you need to_ _  
give up is me._

[Sent]     21:22  
No, you always do this. You try to keep me safe  
and happy or whatever but you just end up  
shutting me out and sacrificing yourself in the  
process. You left and you forced me through  
that, you let me get married, you let me pretend  
at forgiving her, you shot Magnussen, all of it!  
You almost died! because of me! And it’s not  
any easier for me to go through than it has been  
for you so stop making these decisions without  
asking, stop putting us through this, okay?

Sherlock     21:25  
So I should’ve just let Moriarty kill you and Mrs  
Hudson and Lestrade? So I should’ve stopped  
you from getting married when that was all you  
seemed to want? You never said a word. You  
never gave any sign that that wasn’t what you  
wanted.

Sherlock     21:26  
Yes, I’ve done things to keep you safe, and yes  
I’ve done things that I thought would make you  
happy, but don’t pretend for one second that I  
had a choice in ‘letting’ you marry her. What  
else was I supposed to do?

 _[Draft]     21:27_  
_Anything! You could have done anything else, I_ _  
was looking for a reason_

[Sent]     21:29  
You were supposed to tell me! You were  
supposed to talk to me and not let me grieve  
you for two and a half years. Even when you  
came back, you never. It wasn’t. You were gone  
for so long without me, and you came back and  
never said you wanted me back with you, so  
what was I supposed to say? Oh, welcome back,  
hope you had fun while I was grieving you, by  
the way, did you know I was in love with you?  
How was I supposed to know there was  
anything left to say when it was you who left me  
without a word? I moved on to what I had left  
when you left me behind and yeah, I messed up,  
but I thought

[Sent]     21:30  
I thought I was doing the right thing.

Sherlock     21:33  
So did I.

Sherlock     21:45  
When Moriarty threatened you, I thought my  
only choice was to leave. Maybe there could  
have been another way, but I didn’t see any  
other option at the time. And I’m not sorry that  
I did it because it kept you alive. But I am sorry  
that I hurt you. I’m sorry, John. I never wanted  
that, and I will never be able to apologise  
enough for it.

 _[Draft]     21:48_  
_Sometimes I don’t think you would even if you_ _  
could._

[Sent]     21:51  
No, you won’t.

[Sent]     21:52  
But I’m forgiving you anyway. I want to move  
past it, I want to stop being so mad about it and  
letting it fester. I want to leave it behind us.

[Sent]     21:56  
And I’m sorry too, in the same way, I think. I  
know I fucked up with Mary. I know I shouldn’t  
have married her, not even because of what she  
was but because I knew I was in love with you.  
But I’m not sorry for her, either, because I don’t  
know that I would’ve survived it if she hadn’t  
been there. You know I hate to give her credit  
for anything, but. That’s the way things were,  
when she showed up.

[Sent]     22:00  
But I am sorry that I hurt you. And I’m sorry that  
I didn’t tell you I was only pretending to forgive  
her when the plan first started. And I’m sorry  
that I stayed with her and saw the plan through.  
I’m sorry that I did that to you, okay?

[Sent]     22:01  
I don’t want to keep doing this to you. I don’t  
want us to keep doing this to each other.

Sherlock     22:06  
What do you propose we do? How do we fix  
this?

 _[Draft]     22:07_ _  
_ _Can we?_

[Sent]     22:10  
We talk. You can’t just decide I never get to  
come on a case again without talking to me. We  
don’t shut each other out. We be honest with  
each other. We compromise.

[Sent]     22:11  
We’re safer when we’re together on things. We  
always have been. It counts here too.

 _[Draft]     22:13_ _  
_ _I can’t do this if you can’t do it together._

 _[Draft]     22:18_ _  
_ _Are you still there?_

[Sent]     22:19  
I know you’re afraid, Sherlock. But we have to  
keep on living our lives and we can’t run from it,  
or she’ll have won.

 _[Draft]     22:23_ _  
_ _Please. Please say something. Please._

Sherlock     22:24  
Yes. Okay.

 _[Draft]     22:25_ _  
_ _Oh thank god_

[Sent]     22:26  
We’ll have a good long talk about the cases, all  
right? We can be safer than we’ve been.  
Reasonable precautions and all that. But I don’t  
want you to give them up and I don’t want to be  
left behind, either.

Sherlock     22:29  
I never wanted to leave you behind. I just want  
you to be safe. I can’t lose you. Not again. But I  
trust you. If you think there’s a way we can be  
safer, that we can both have what we want,  
then yes. That’s what I want, too. Together.

[Sent]     22:31  
Together, then.

[Sent]     22:31  
I’m sorry we let this go so far. I think we should  
have had this conversation a long time ago.

Sherlock     22:32  
I’m sorry, too.

Sherlock     22:38  
John?

[Sent]     22:39  
I’m here.

Sherlock     22:41  
Can I make a request?

 _[Draft]     22:41_ _  
_ _Yeah, love, always. Tell me._

[Sent]     22:42  
Yeah, always. Tell me?

Sherlock     22:43  
Can I see you?

Sherlock     22:43  
I know it’s only been a few hours, but I want to  
see you.

[Sent]     22:46  
You want to come back to the hospital?

 _[Draft]     22:47_  
_Yes, God. I love you. Why aren’t you here_ _  
already._

[Sent]     22:48  
Yeah. I want to see you too. If you want to come  
back, you can.

[Sent]     22:49  
Only if you want to. I’m right where you left me.

 _[Draft]     22:51_  
_You don’t have to if you don’t really want to. It’s_ _  
okay. I’m fine._

Sherlock     22:51  
I’m on my way.

Sherlock     22:58  
Are we okay?

[Sent]     22:59  
I

 _[Draft]     23:01_ _  
_ _I don’t know. I want to be._

[Sent]     23:02  
I think we will be.


	180. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

John      20:37  
So Greg just stopped by. He had something   
really interesting to say about a dead woman in   
a toilet cubicle.

[Sent]     20:38  
Did he? That’s probably the first interesting   
thing he’s had to say in his life then.

John     20:40  
See, I can tell that you know exactly what he   
had to say because you didn’t even try to   
pretend like you didn’t know who I meant by   
Greg.

John     20:41  
Why didn’t you go take a look at that crime   
scene? He could’ve really used your help.

_[Draft]     20:42_   
_Seriously? It’s not enough that you’ve started_   
_sending me home at night for tedious things like_   
_food and sleep, now you want to send me away_   
_for cases, too?_

[Sent]     20:43  
You’re still in a hospital bed. I’m not running off   
to a crime scene, which was barely a 6 by the   
way, and leaving you there.

[Sent]     20:43  
Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Stay there   
and take care of you?

 _[Draft]     20:44_ _  
_ _Isn’t that what you want?_

John     20:46  
No, that’s what all my doctors are supposed to   
do.

John     20:47  
I appreciate you being here for me, truly, but I’m   
okay, and it’s been nearly two weeks and it’s   
time we start getting our lives back to normal.   
I’ll be fine if you pop out for a few hours to a   
crime scene.

_[Draft]     20:48_   
_No, I know where this leads. I know what back_   
_to normal means. Just say it so I can say no. So I_   
_can explain to you why that can’t happen._

[Sent]     20:50  
So, what? I just go with Lestrade every time he   
calls and leave you there ? Maybe you think   
that’s fine when there are doctors and Mycroft’s   
guards all around, but what about when we’re   
home?

John     20:54  
By the time I go home, I’ll be able to be on my   
own for a while, when I need to be. I know my   
own limits. But otherwise I’ll be with you, so it   
won’t be a problem.

[Sent]     20:56  
And what about after that? What about when   
you’re all healed up?

John     20:57  
What about it? Then we’ll be together on the   
cases like usual. Of course.

[Sent]     20:57  
No.

John     20:59  
What do you mean, no?

[Sent]     20:59  
I mean no, we won’t. It’s too risky.

John     21:01  
Once I’m healed, though, it’ll be the same as it   
always was. Just like how you healed up after   
September and went back to cases, slow at first   
but then back to normal. We’ll just take   
reasonable precautions and it’ll be fine.

[Sent]     21:03  
No, I don’t mean that it’s too risky for you to go   
back out there too quickly. I mean it’s too risky   
for you to go out there at all.

[Sent]     21:03  
Reasonable precautions didn’t stop her from   
shooting you. Reasonable precautions aren’t   
going to stop anyone else from doing the same.   
There are no reasonable precautions against   
losing you.

John     21:05  
Are you fucking kidding me? You’re not using   
this as an excuse to cut me out. It’s not any   
more dangerous than it’s always been, for either   
of us.

John     21:06  
I didn’t ask you to stop working cases when you   
got shot so don’t you turn around now and tell   
me I can’t do it anymore while you go off on   
your own and leave me behind. I want to work, I   
want to be out there. You can’t hide me in 221B   
forever just because things got messy once.

_[Draft]     21:07_   
_This isn’t about what either of us want. This is_   
_about what has to happen. I’m not asking you_   
_not to come with me. I’m telling you that you_   
_can’t. It’s my work, it’s my choice. I am not_   
_going to be your cause of death._

_[Draft]     21:08_   
_This is exactly why I didn’t take the case and_   
_exactly why I didn’t tell you about it. I knew this_   
_is where it would lead. But we can’t live that life_   
_anymore. I was stupid and careless and selfish,_   
_and look where it’s gotten us. Look where you_   
_are._

[Sent]     21:10  
Do you think I don’t know that you want to be   
out there? Do you think I don’t want you there?   
I have always been better with you at my side,   
and I will always want you there, but I can’t. I   
can’t do it, John. You bled out in my arms, and I   
can’t do that again.

[Sent]     21:11  
THAT’S why I turned down that case.

John      21:17  
I don’t WANT you to turn down the cases! Do   
you think it wasn’t just as hard for me, to find   
you on the floor like that? after you were shot?   
Do you think I wasn’t worried about you all the   
time after you started taking work again while I   
was still waiting things out at Mary’s? But I can’t   
lock you up and tell you never to work again and   
I wouldn’t dare try, because the work is   
important to you and you need it, and I need to   
be there too.

[Sent]     21:18  
It’s not as important as you!

[Sent]     21:18  
I will give it all up, every single case, every   
client, all of it, if it keeps you safe.

John     21:19  
No.

_[Draft]     21:20_   
_No, don’t you dare tell me I can’t. I gave up_   
_everything when you married her. Everything_   
_that mattered. Anything else I could possibly_   
_give pales in comparison. Even the work._   
_Nothing will ever be as hard as it was to let you_   
_go. So now that you’re here somehow, I will give_   
_up anything else I damn well please if it means_   
_you’ll stay._

_[Draft]     21:22_   
_What other choice do I even have? No, I don’t_   
_want to give it up. Selfish bastard that I am, I_   
_want cases with you there by my side. But when_   
_have I ever been able to have the things I_   
_wanted? Of course it’s important and I want it,_   
_but I want you more. If I have to choose, I will_   
_choose you. Every time. I always have._

John     21:22  
No, you always do this. You try to keep me safe   
and happy or whatever but you just end up   
shutting me out and sacrificing yourself in the   
process. You left and you forced me through   
that, you let me get married, you let me pretend   
at forgiving her, you shot Magnussen, all of it!   
You almost died! because of me! And it’s not   
any easier for me to go through than it has been   
for you so stop making these decisions without   
asking, stop putting us through this, okay?

[Sent]     21:25  
So I should’ve just let Moriarty kill you and Mrs   
Hudson and Lestrade? So I should’ve stopped   
you from getting married when that was all you   
seemed to want? You never said a word. You   
never gave any sign that that wasn’t what you   
wanted.

_[Draft]     21:26_   
_How was I supposed to know? You never said_   
_you wanted me. Not once._

[Sent]     21:26  
Yes, I’ve done things to keep you safe, and yes   
I’ve done things that I thought would make you   
happy, but don’t pretend for one second that I   
had a choice in ‘letting’ you marry her. What   
else was I supposed to do?

John     21:29  
You were supposed to tell me! You were   
supposed to talk to me and not let me grieve   
you for two and a half years. Even when you   
came back, you never. It wasn’t. You were gone   
for so long without me, and you came back and   
never said you wanted me back with you, so   
what was I supposed to say? Oh, welcome back,   
hope you had fun while I was grieving you, by   
the way, did you know I was in love with you?   
How was I supposed to know there was   
anything left to say when it was you who left me   
without a word? I moved on to what I had left   
when you left me behind and yeah, I messed up,   
but I thought

John     21:30  
I thought I was doing the right thing.

[Sent]     21:33  
So did I.

 _[Draft]     21:37_ _  
_ _I don’t know what you want_

 _[Draft]     21:40_ _  
_ _Is this it? Are we_

 _[Draft]     21:42_ _  
_ _I’m sorry. Please don’t_

[Sent]     21:45  
When Moriarty threatened you, I thought my   
only choice was to leave. Maybe there could   
have been another way, but I didn’t see any   
other option at the time. And I’m not sorry that   
I did it because it kept you alive. But I am sorry   
that I hurt you. I’m sorry, John. I never wanted   
that, and I will never be able to apologise   
enough for it.

 _[Draft]     21:49_ _  
_ _Please say something._

John     21:51  
No, you won’t.

John     21:52  
But I’m forgiving you anyway. I want to move   
past it, I want to stop being so mad about it and   
letting it fester. I want to leave it behind us.

John     21:56  
And I’m sorry too, in the same way, I think. I   
know I fucked up with Mary. I know I shouldn’t   
have married her, not even because of what she   
was but because I knew I was in love with you.   
But I’m not sorry for her, either, because I don’t   
know that I would’ve survived it if she hadn’t   
been there. You know I hate to give her credit   
for anything, but. That’s the way things were,   
when she showed up.

John     22:00  
But I am sorry that I hurt you. And I’m sorry that   
I didn’t tell you I was only pretending to forgive   
her when the plan first started. And I’m sorry   
that I stayed with her and saw the plan through.   
I’m sorry that I did that to you, okay?

John     22:01  
I don’t want to keep doing this to you. I don’t   
want us to keep doing this to each other.

 _[Draft]     22:03_ _  
_ _What are you saying?_

_[Draft]     22:05_   
_I don’t know how to do any of this. I need you to  
tell me. I don’t know _ _what to do._

[Sent]     22:06  
What do you propose we do? How do we fix   
this?

John     22:10  
We talk. You can’t just decide I never get to   
come on a case again without talking to me. We   
don’t shut each other out. We be honest with   
each other. We compromise.

John     22:11  
We’re safer when we’re together on things. We   
always have been. It counts here too.

 _[Draft]     22:14_ _  
_ _But_

John     22:19  
I know you’re afraid, Sherlock. But we have to   
keep on living our lives and we can’t run from it,   
or she’ll have won.

 _[Draft]     22:19_ _  
_ _I’m not_

 _[Draft]     22:20_ _  
_ _Aren’t you afraid, too?_

_[Draft]     22:22_   
_How did you do this? When she shot me? How_   
_did you_

[Sent]     22:24  
Yes. Okay.

John     22:26  
We’ll have a good long talk about the cases, all   
right? We can be safer than we’ve been.   
Reasonable precautions and all that. But I don’t   
want you to give them up and I don’t want to be   
left behind, either.

[Sent]     22:29  
I never wanted to leave you behind. I just want   
you to be safe. I can’t lose you. Not again. But I   
trust you. If you think there’s a way we can be   
safer, that we can both have what we want,   
then yes. That’s what I want, too. Together.

John     22:31  
Together, then.

John     22:31  
I’m sorry we let this go so far. I think we should   
have had this conversation a long time ago.

[Sent]     22:32  
I’m sorry, too.

 _[Draft]     22:32_ _  
_ _I love you._

_[Draft]     22:33_   
_Can I say that? I want to say it, but I don’t know_   
_if we’re still fighting or if you even want to hear_   
_it or_

_[Draft]     22:36_   
_I love you. Let me tell you that. Let me show_   
_you. Let me try to make this right._

[Sent]     22:38  
John?

John     22:39  
I’m here.

 _[Draft]     22:40_ _  
_ _I want to_

 _[Draft]     22:40_ _  
_ _You said we should be honest._

[Sent]     22:41  
Can I make a request?

John     22:42  
Yeah, always. Tell me?

[Sent]     22:43  
Can I see you?

[Sent]     22:43  
I know it’s only been a few hours, but I want to   
see you.

John     22:46  
You want to come back to the hospital?

 _[Draft]     22:48_ _  
_ _Is that alright?_

John     22:48  
Yeah. I want to see you too. If you want to come   
back, you can.

John     22:49  
Only if you want to. I’m right where you left me.

[Sent]     22:51  
I’m on my way.

 _[Draft]     22:56_ _  
_ _Can I ask if_

 _[Draft]     22:57_ _  
_ _I need to know. Are we_

[Sent]     22:58  
Are we okay?

_[Draft]     22:59_   
_Please. Please tell me we’re okay. That we’re_   
_going to be okay._

John     22:59  
I

John     23:02  
I think we will be.


	181. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

[Sent]     14:31  
Tesco was out of your favourite biscuits. Will the  
plain ones do instead? I bought milk, too. And  
more tea. And some of those crisps you like.

 _[Draft]     14:34_  
_Also, Mrs Hudson brought up some fresh sheets,_  
_and I bought you a new pillow because I know_  
_you said mine were too soft before. I moved the_  
_table so it’s easier for you to reach the sofa, and_  
_I found the remote for the telly--it was in the_  
_freezer, can’t remember what for. And I went_  
_round and got new menus from all your_  
_favourite takeaway places because I didn’t_  
_know what you might like to eat tonight, but I_  
_wanted you to have all the options. Oh, and I_  
_also went to the chemist. I know, bit too early_ _  
isn’t it, wishful thinking, but just in case, I got_

John     14:35  
Yeah, the plain ones will do, but please, you  
don’t need to worry so much. I’m sure Mrs  
Hudson will have us up to our elbows in food.

John     14:36  
Frankly I don’t give a toss about the biscuits as  
long as I’m home.

 _[Draft]     14:36_  
_I just want to get it right. You’re coming home_  
_today. For good. It needs to be right. It needs to_ _  
be better than right._

 _[Draft]     14:38_  
_Good lord, do you see what you’ve done to me?_  
_Fretting over biscuits and pillows. Thinking_  
_about how to make things perfect. Have you_  
_always made me this saccharine? You have,_  
_haven’t you? And still it took me that long to_ _  
realise I love you. I really am an idiot._

[Sent]     14:39  
Says the man who just this morning complained  
that the chocolate croissant I brought him was  
‘too chocolatey.’

[Sent]     14:39  
No, I’ve been properly chastened. Wouldn’t  
want to get it wrong twice in one day.

[Sent]     14:39  
You’re a hard man to please, John Watson.

 _[Draft]     14:40_ _  
_ _But I’m certainly looking forward to trying._

John     14:41  
Bit rich coming from you, Sherlock Holmes.

John     14:42  
Just get me out of this hospital already. I don’t  
even care if the flat is full of toxic fumes or  
there’s dead things in the tub.

John     14:43  
There aren’t dead things in the tub though, are  
there?

[Sent]     14:45  
Shush, you’ll ruin the surprise.

John     14:46  
I love you.

John     14:46  
Now get your arse back up here so I can make  
my big escape.

[Sent]     14:52  
Getting a cab now.

 _[Draft]     14:54_ _  
_ _John, I_

[Sent]     14:54  
There’s something I wanted to say though,  
before you come home.

 _[Draft]     14:54_ _  
_ _I know it’s taken me a few days to say it, but I_

 _[Draft]     14:57_  
_You apologised before. About Mary. And I didn’t_  
_respond. I didn’t realise there was anything to_  
_say then. I thought there wasn’t anything to_  
_forgive. You did what you thought you had to_  
_do, what you thought would make you happy,_  
_and I didn’t think you needed to make apologies_  
_for that. I didn’t think I needed to hear them._  
_But as ever, you seem to know me better than I_  
_know myself, and it seems now that maybe I did_ _  
need that, that I was still_

 _[Draft]     14:59_ _  
_ _I just want to say that I_

[Sent]     14:59  
I do forgive you. For everything with Mary. All of that.

 _[Draft]     15:00_  
_You did hurt me. You didn’t try to, but you did._ _  
And I forgive you._

John     15:03  
Thank you. We’re okay, yeah?

John     15:04  
Thank you.

 _[Draft]     15:04_  
_Thank you. For the apology. For not giving up on_ _  
this, on me. For everything. I love y_

John     15:04  
Where are you?

[Sent]     15:05  
Just passing the British Museum. I’ll be there  
soon.

[Sent]     15:05  
And yes, we’re more than okay.

[Sent]     15:06  
Aren’t we?

John     15:06  
Yeah.

John     15:07  
I love you. Come get me and take me home.

[Sent]     15:07  
I love you. And nothing would make me happier.


	182. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock     14:31  
Tesco was out of your favourite biscuits. Will the  
plain ones do instead? I bought milk, too. And  
more tea. And some of those crisps you like.

[Sent]     14:35  
Yeah, the plain ones will do, but please, you  
don’t need to worry so much. I’m sure Mrs  
Hudson will have us up to our elbows in food.

[Sent]     14:36  
Frankly I don’t give a toss about the biscuits as  
long as I’m home.

Sherlock     14:39  
Says the man who just this morning complained  
that the chocolate croissant I brought him was  
‘too chocolatey.’

Sherlock     14:39  
No, I’ve been properly chastened. Wouldn’t  
want to get it wrong twice in one day.

Sherlock     14:39  
You’re a hard man to please, John Watson.

 _[Draft]     14:40_  
_I think I’ll be embarrassingly easy for you to_ _  
please, Sherlock Holmes._

[Sent]     14:41  
Bit rich coming from you, Sherlock Holmes.

[Sent]     14:42  
Just get me out of this hospital already. I don’t  
even care if the flat is full of toxic fumes or  
there’s dead things in the tub.

[Sent]     14:43  
There aren’t dead things in the tub though, are  
there?

Sherlock     14:45  
Shush, you’ll ruin the surprise.

[Sent]     14:46  
I love you.

[Sent]     14:46  
Now get your arse back up here so I can make  
my big escape.

Sherlock     14:52  
Getting a cab now.

Sherlock     14:54  
There’s something I wanted to say though,  
before you come home.

 _[Draft]     14:46_  
_It’s okay, you can tell me anything. Even if it’s a_ _  
dead thing in the tub._

 _[Draft]    14:48_ _  
_ _Are you okay? Is everything okay?_

Sherlock     14:59  
I do forgive you. For everything with Mary. All of  
that.

John     15:03  
Thank you. We’re okay, yeah?

John     15:04  
Thank you.

John     15:04  
Where are you?

 _[Draft]     15:05_  
_Christ I’m going to have to get a nurse to come_  
_stab me with something so I’ll have an excuse_ _  
for being such a mess when you get here_

Sherlock     15:05  
Just passing the British Museum. I’ll be there  
soon.

Sherlock     15:05  
And yes, we’re more than okay.

Sherlock     15:06  
Aren’t we?

John     15:06  
Yeah.

John     15:07  
I love you. Come get me and take me home.

Sherlock     15:07  
I love you. And nothing would make me happier.


	183. Sherlock - Text Thread with Lestrade

[Sent]     14:28  
Tell me about the most interesting case you   
have right now.

Lestrade     14:31  
Finally get bored?

Lestrade     14:34  
Alright I’ve got a dead investment banker who   
I’m fairly certain was shot by her husband,   
though we haven’t been able to definitively tie   
him to it just yet.

Lestrade     14:35  
He recently found out that their son isn’t really   
his, which of course caused a big row, so he has   
motive. But he’s got a solid alibi for the night of   
the shooting.

[Sent]     14:38  
Dull. Text me when you have something good.

\--------------------------------------------------

Lestrade     9:13  
Body found on the roof of Heron Tower. Don’t   
have all the details yet. I’m on my way there   
now.

Lestrade     9:18  
Forty-six floors up. That’s got to be interesting.

[Sent]     9:27  
Busy.

Lestrade     9:29  
Since when is Sherlock Holmes too busy to take   
a bloody case?

\--------------------------------------------------

Lestrade     18:45  
Two women dead in what looks to be a murder   
suicide, but both were found handcuffed to the   
furniture in separate rooms of their flat.

[Sent]     18:49  
Pass.

Lestrade     18:53  
Seriously? You’re the one who told me to start   
sending you cases again, in case you forgot.

Lestrade     19:08  
If you’re not going to bother to come, I’m not   
going to waste my time sending anything your   
way.

[Sent]     19:13  
I have every intention of coming along when   
you provide something sufficiently interesting.

_[Draft]     19:14_   
_And when it isn’t a case that’s going to remind_   
_John of the time his wife handcuffed me to a_   
_railing and shot him, or of the time I jumped off_   
_of a roof, or of the time his daughter turned out_   
_to be another man’s child. No. Not for our first_   
_case back. This is hard enough. Don’t ask me to_   
_do that to him._

\--------------------------------------------------

Lestrade     11:21  
Got a torso. Just a torso.

Lestrade     11:21  
Suspect is already in custody. He was still sitting   
next to the body, or what was left of it at least.   
Won’t tell us where the rest of the pieces are or   
who the victim is though.

Lestrade     11:22  
We haven’t been able to make an ID of the   
victim without the missing parts. Thought you   
might be able to come take a look and provide   
some insight.

Lestrade     11:22  
If it’s sufficiently interesting enough for your   
majesty.

_[Draft]     11:24_   
_Suspect already in custody so no chance of an_   
_unexpected pursuit. Little risk of physical_   
_danger. Not reminiscent of our recent ordeal._   
_That’s surprisingly perfect. Let me ask John if_   
_he’s sure he’s ready for this._

[Sent]     11:29  
Send me the address. We’ll meet you there.


	184. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

And we’re back at it!

Slower than we were before, maybe--the limp is just  _ temporary _ but it still drives me up the wall. Been improving in PT though and it’s going to be fine, my therapist says. Sherlock is ruthless with my exercises, too, he doesn’t let me skip a single rep or take shortcuts or anything. He’ll have me right in no time. 

He always has been very good at that.

He’s been incredible, actually. Didn’t really think he’d be the caretaking sort--I expected him to make a good effort, of course, but I didn’t expect it to take over everything else. Perhaps I should have. Sherlock doesn’t do very many things halfway. He’s got everything figured out, the stats, the odds, the percentages of improvements, everything, which is sometimes a little off-putting but I definitely prefer some realism instead of just headstrong insistence that everything will be fine. And he is getting good at figuring out whether something hurts in a good way or a bad way, he knows all the right questions to ask, and he’s learned therapeutic massage to help release the muscles after a tough PT session, but he’s still himself, and he doesn’t treat me like glass. 

Except for in the bedroom, and god, isn’t that irritating, after all this waiting, to still be waiting for ??? whatever point of healing he’s waiting for. 

But I don’t want him to worry about me, the first time. I don’t want his attention to be split. I’ve waited this long and I would wait a hundred more years for the right moment. 

It feels close, though. It feels...on the cusp. And the snogging is  _ fantastic. _

But that’s not the point of this post! The point of this post is that we are back in action, the game is on, Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are back on the scene. Ruffians and thieves, beware!

Okay, so it was a torso in a morgue freezer and a cordoned off crime scene and a killer, Ricky Kirkpatrick, already in handcuffs, but it was good to be investigating nonetheless. Sherlock wanted to see the place where the body had been found, and obviously that wasn’t where the torso was divested of its limbs--not enough blood. So then it was back to Kirkpatrick’s flat, and we found the real crime scene in the extremely foul-smelling flat next door, which provided us the identity of the torso (though not, sadly, the rest of the limbs). And Kirkpatrick had a motive, because there’d been a feud going on between them about their post getting mixed up, and in the end he confessed. 

So it wasn’t much of a case in the end, seeing that the killer had already been caught and we were just looking for an ID. But it was enough, I think, for this first round. In honesty, it was...nerve-wracking. Anxious. We tried, but we were both looking over our shoulders like Moriarty was going to jump out from behind the curtains. 

Felt silly, a little. But we still both jumped when Lestrade came in unexpectedly. 

We can do this, though. We can. One case at a time. This was only about a three or four, but someday we’ll start taking fives, and then sixes, and then my leg will be better and we’ll be running again, chasing down murderers and dodging bullets like Moriarty never happened. I know it. I believe it. 

I believe in Sherlock Holmes: the man and the detective both.


	185. Sherlock - Text Thread with Molly Hooper

Molly     13:56  
Hi, Sherlock. I’ve got a cirrhotic liver here if  
you’re interested.

[Sent]     13:58  
Yes, excellent. Thank you, Molly. I’ll come round  
and get it tomorrow morning.

Molly     13:59  
Not a problem.

Molly     13:59  
How’s John? Greg said you two have been on a  
few cases recently.

[Sent]     14:00  
John is well. He still has a bit of trouble with  
stairs, but he’s mostly healed up. We’re going  
slowly with the cases though. Easing back in,  
just to be sure.

Molly     14:04  
That’s good.

Molly     14:04  
And how are you? Now that he’s home again.  
How are things going with you two?

[Sent]     14:05  
Everything is going well. Quite well actually.

 _[Draft]     14:05_ _  
_ _It’s somehow better even than I imagined._

Molly     14:05  
Good!

Molly     14:07  
Well there’s one other thing I wanted to say.  
Something else Greg mentioned.

Molly     14:08  
It’s not a big deal really.

Molly     14:08  
Well he was trying not to make a big deal of it at  
least.

Molly     14:08  
But he mentioned it to me and, I don’t know, he  
seemed kind of embarrassed and so I thought  
I’d maybe say something.

 _[Draft]     14:08_ _  
_ _Are you going to tell me or_

Molly     14:09  
He mentioned he saw you and John.

[Sent]     14:10  
Well I should hope so, as we’ve been to three  
crime scenes with him this month.

Molly     14:12  
No I mean, he saw you two outside the Yard.  
And you were. You know. Having a bit of a snog.

 _[Draft]     14:12_ __  
_I told John that that alley wasn’t as dark as he_  
_thought it was, but he just had to_

Molly     14:13  
Greg wasn’t going to say anything to you about  
it. Just seemed embarrassed to have caught you  
out. He said you can do what you like so long as  
he doesn’t have to pick you up for exposure. So  
just maybe at least keep the public shagging to a  
minimum, yeah? ;-)

[Sent]     14:14  
You can rest assured that there is no public  
shagging happening. There’s no shagging of any  
sort happening.

Molly     14:15  
Oh sorry! I just assumed that since you two  
were together now that you were, you know...

[Sent]     14:18  
Well we’re not. Not that it’s really your concern.

 _[Draft]     14:18_ _  
_ _We just_

[Sent]     14:19  
We haven’t exactly made it that far yet.

 _[Draft]     14:19_ __  
_John’s barely healed up, and we’re busy with_ __  
_cases again, and Mrs Hudson is always flittering_ __  
_about or my bloody brother is showing up for_  
_some stupid reason or another, and I just_

[Sent]     14:21  
There’s no danger to Lestrade’s fragile psyche  
that he’s going to walk in on us having a go in  
the loos or in the middle of a crime scene or  
whatever nonsense he’s afraid of.

Molly     14:23  
Sherlock Holmes he’s not like that and you know  
it. Don’t you dare act like he is.

Molly     14:23  
He saw something private and was embarrassed  
because it wasn’t meant for him to see. That’s  
all. He’s actually happy for you, you know?

Molly     14:23  
And so am I.

Molly     14:24  
I think John is good for you. I think you’re good  
for each other.

 _[Draft]     14:26_ _  
_ _I’m sorry I_

[Sent]     14:30  
Thank you.

Molly     14:31  
You’re welcome.

Molly     14:37  
And about the shagging…

 _[Draft]     14:37_ __  
_Dear lord, what do I have to say to end this_  
_conversation?_

Molly     14:37  
It’s ok that you haven’t yet. You know that right?  
You can go slowly. There’s nothing wrong with  
taking your time.

[Sent]     14:38  
Of course I know that. I’m not an idiot.

Molly     14:39  
I didn’t say you were. I just thought you might  
need reminding. That’s what friends do.

 _[Draft]     14:39_ _  
_ _Is it?_

Molly     14:39  
And it’s okay to be nervous, too. We all are, that  
first time with someone. We all want to make  
sure we get it right.

 _[Draft]     14:40_ _  
_ _Why are we even talking about this?_

 _[Draft]     14:40_ _  
_ _I’m not_

 _[Draft]     14:44_ __  
_Supposing I were nervous--and I’m not saying I_  
_am, but if I were--what would_

[Sent]     14:46  
And how do you suggest I do that?

[Sent]     14:46  
Get it right, I mean.

Molly     14:48  
I guess relax. For a start. Don’t pressure yourself  
to make things perfect. Just let everything go  
the way it’s going to go.

Molly     14:48  
I mean this is John we’re talking about so it’s all  
going to be fine anyway.

 _[Draft]     14:48_ _  
_ _I don’t_

[Sent]     14:49  
What do you mean?

Molly     14:51  
Sherlock I have known you as long as you’ve  
known John. Have you or have you not been in  
love with him since pretty much the start?

[Sent]     14:52  
I don’t see what that has to do with this  
conversation.

Molly     14:52  
Just answer the question.

[Sent]     14:54  
Fine. Yes.

Molly     14:55  
Ok. And I know John loves you. I’ve seen the  
way he looks at you. He’s been completely mad  
for you forever now.

Molly     14:55  
And that is what’s going to make it right. You  
don’t need to be so nervous because it’s you  
and it’s John and you love each other to bits and  
so there’s absolutely nothing else it could be but  
right.

 _[Draft]     14:57_ _  
_ _That’s_

 _[Draft]     14:58_ _  
_ _You really think_

[Sent]     15:03  
You make it sound easy.

Molly     15:04  
It is. Just keep on loving him and the rest will fall  
into place.

[Sent]     15:04  
I intend to.

[Sent]     15:06  
Thank you, Molly.

[Sent]     15:06  
You’re a good friend.

Molly     15:08  
You’re very welcome.

Molly     15:08  
And remember, no shagging in public. :-P

[Sent]     15:09  
I make no promises.


	186. John - Web Search History

first time with a partner     [206,000 results]

how to make a first time romantic     [76,600,000 results]

sex v making love    [9,040,000 results]

tips to please your man     [37,900,000,000 results]

that’s     [3,380,000,000 results]

no     [21,880,000,000 results]

john you’re being ridiculous     [55,600,000 results]

just touch him like you’ve wanted to for forever     [75,400,000 results]

you know how to do this     [1,990,000,000 results]

just let it happen naturally      [65,000,000 results]

just love him     [67,500,000 results]

romantic first time playlists     [2,200,000 results]


	187. Sherlock - Observation Notes, File JW-2015-006

**Observation File Number:** JW-2015-006

 

### Zone     

| 

### Sensitivity     

| 

### Comments  
  
---|---|---  
  
1

| 

6.1

| 

Somewhat ticklish  
  
2

| 

8.8

| 

Inner thighs particularly sensitive to both light touch and oral stimulation. Excellent for heightening anticipation.  
  
3

| 

7.9

| 

Responsive to pads of fingers being lightly bitten  
  
4

| 

5.3  
  
5

| 

5.8  
  
6

| 

(To test)  
  
7

| 

6.9 - 8.4

| 

Sides of torso extremely ticklish when not fully aroused. Abdomen not as sensitive but seemingly quite responsive to kissing nonetheless. Enjoys gentle stroking of abdomen after climax.  
  
8

| 

7.7

| 

Right clavicle  
  
9

| 

5.1 - 8.0

| 

Physical stimulation not as effective as auditory stimulation  
  
10

| 

8.6

| 

Particularly the back of the neck--a light kiss in the proper place along the hairline will elicit a full-body shiver  
  
11

| 

4.3

| 

Ineffective means of eliciting sexual pleasure. Potentially effective for reducing stress?  
  
12

| 

9.1

| 

Repeated short but deep kisses seem to be most efficient way to encourage arousal (continue to research effects of other methods)  
  
13

| 

9.6 - 10.0

| 

More responsive to oral than manual stimulation, particularly in conjunction with prolonged visual contact and/or humming. Other forms of stimulation currently untested--may adjust ratings following further research.  
  
14

| 

9.4  
  
15

| 

(To test)  
  
 

 

Further research is fervently recommended. Additional studies should be conducted frequently, beginning immediately.


	188. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

It’s never been like that before, never  _ felt  _ like that before. I’ve never. I can’t describe it. He was  _ so _

It was like one breath in both our lungs--not quite enough but still everything we needed to just hang on.


	189. John - Email Thread with Major James Sholto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April - one month later!

_**Sent to jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 18 April, 10:32** _

So good to see you again the other day, finally. I know it’s no small effort for you to come to London and I can’t tell you how much I appreciated the lengths you went to. Sherlock does understand, really he does, but I don’t always want to burden him with boring details of how even the minor limitations I’m on now remind me of Afghanistan. He’s got enough to worry about, including himself and his own past. So your insight and your encouragement really means a lot to me.

I also enjoyed meeting your, uh, physical therapist. You do know that you can’t hide a thing like that from me, right? I know how your eyes are when you’re in too deep, James. And Sherlock, well. He’s not infallible but he is still a genius. I’m happy for you, really. Really. He adores you. Just remember to let him.

Sherlock and I did have a talk about taking on harder cases, by the way. I know my injury was extremely difficult for him and we’ve fought more than once about how to handle dangerous cases again, but you were right, and he was actually kind of dying to take on something with a little more excitement. I think he was trying to wait for this limp to fully disappear, but at the end of the day, it might not. It might not ever completely go away. And we either have to learn to work around it, or we’ll never get back to where we used to be, and I don’t want to limit him like that. My first round of PT is finally coming to a close this week and I’m hoping we’ll get a really good case for my birthday coming up on Saturday.

God, that’s a bit morbid, isn’t it? Oh, get me a good murder for my birthday, love, that’ll do. God, I’m turning into him, aren’t I?

Next month we’ll try to make the trip up, if you’ve got a free weekend. Let me know! 

John

 

_**Received from jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 19 April, 7:13** _

It was no trouble. Or rather, it was worth the trouble it was. I’m getting around much more easily these days, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, and I could tell from your recent emails that you needed to talk to someone besides Sherlock about it. He’s been wonderful for you, but I know how difficult it is to talk to someone you love when you’re just as worried about them as they are for you. 

And I didn’t exactly expect to sneak Ravi by you two. I doubt many people take their physical therapists to dinner with old friends. But things are still a little...unsaid, perhaps. I know he adores me, though. I adore him too. It’s just been such a long time since I was in a position where things could be said that I find myself halting where I know I should go forward. 

Anyway. I’m glad you and Sherlock were able to talk it through. You both looked like you were bursting out of your skins when your detective inspector friend called, I was surprised that you didn’t both take off running but I understand how hard it can be to get back in action--I’m still hiding myself away, after all! But things seem to be settling for me as well. I don’t expect to ever be forgiven, but I hope someday the families will forget me and let the memories of their lost ones live on instead. 

I’d hardly be surprised if you did get a good case for your birthday at this point, John, but whatever happens, go easy on him with your expectations. He’s still learning the ins and outs of being in a relationship, from what I understand. 

We’d be happy to have you two up here for a weekend. It’s not like I make very many plans in advance; please, whenever suits your schedule, just ring us. 

James

 

**_Sent to jsnf5@gmail.com, 19 April, 14:54_ **

Take it from me, all right. Don’t wait to say it. Don’t wait to feel like it’s the right moment, or like you have to have the words ordered just so. Say it. Tell him. Tell him everything and be happy, okay? 

Hey, did Sherlock say something to you about learning to be in a relationship? I know he’s been worried about it but he’s doing wonderfully; maybe I should say something to him. Maybe it should be me taking him out to dinner, instead of the other way round! He can just be a little insecure, I think, and I want him to know that I don’t expect him to get it right every time, and I don’t expect him to always drop everything for me and I don’t expect him to be someone different than he’s always been, I don’t expect him to change for me, I don’t want him to do that even. Yeah, he’s a little rough around the edges and he doesn’t always think before he says something or does something, but he’s got a soft side too, and 

Sorry, Lestrade must’ve called and he’s just raced off down the stairs got to go

 

_**Received from jsnf5@gmail.com, 19 April, 18:03** _

I know you two are still sorting everything out, John, but consider telling him all of this instead of me. 

Best of luck with your case, and with Sherlock. And Happy Birthday tomorrow!

 

_Draft to jsnf5@gmail.com, 22 April, 9:47_

How is it that we manage to give each other the best advice, and yet still struggle to follow our own? 

My birthday was, of course, fantastic, because Sherlock never really does anything halfway, does he? A beautifully slow start, don’t know if I’ll ever get used to having him close like that, he’s so...open, I guess, and breakfast in bed, then of course a case, and there was even some running. We managed not to have a fight over whether we were being too cautious, and then we did have a fight because I felt like he was biting back something he really wanted to say but didn’t want to upset me, but I got to tell him everything I said to you. I don’t want him to be different just because we’re together. I don’t want him to rein himself in and cut corners off himself just to please me. And he said, you know, wanting to please me is part of him, and I said that’s well and fine but not if it makes you unhappy as we’re at it. So we had that out, and you know, the thing is, the acerbic comments and the experiments and the violin at three in the morning, they’re all him. Truly. He’s a sarcastic, mad wanker who spends too much time in his own head. But he’s also quieter, and caring. And a bit vulnerable (don’t ever tell him I said that, he’d be mortified). And I think we’re just getting used to some of it. We’re just getting used to him bringing down his walls and letting me in. I always knew, of course, that he was deeper than that. He’s actually very easy for me to read, in that way. But I’ve always read it through layers, and only just these past few months has he been tearing the layers away, and it’s like seeing the sun through a window and a curtain and a pair of sunglasses and then slowly, the window opens, the curtain draws back, the sunglasses come off, and you’re kind of blown away by everything that’s there.

Anyway. I shouldn’t be surprised at him any longer, but I bet he will be surprising me long into our old age. He is...indefinable. And I love that about him, of course I do. But it makes me feel guilty, too, you know? That I know he can’t be narrowed down or hemmed in, and yet still he surprises me by being more, more loving, more affectionate than I’d ever imagined. I don’t want to think less of him than what he is, but I suppose I’m still learning where the boundaries are. Whether there even are any boundaries at all. 

Sorry, sorry, I’m nattering on. I don’t think you even want all the gory details. I was just surprised I guess, and then surprised at being surprised, and then it felt like, you know, everything clicking into place. He’s not changing for me--he’s letting me see the most of him. 

This is probably far too much information, isn’t it? 

 

_**Sent to jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, April 22, 10:01** _

How is it that we manage to give each other the best advice, and yet still struggle to follow our own? 

My birthday was, of course, fantastic, because Sherlock never really does anything halfway, does he? A beautiful breakfast in bed, then of course a case, and there was even some running. I got to tell him everything I said to you. We’re just still getting used to each other, I think, not changing or being different but being honest in a way we haven’t been before. 

The case ended fine, though, and we caught a dog-napper before he could get the dog out of the country. If I ever become a dog-napper, I’ll be sure to kidnap tiny dogs, like shih tzus or something. This guy was trying to smuggle out a Saint Bernard that didn’t want to go with him. Not very smart. Sherlock, by the way, loves dogs. I think he would’ve taken that dog home with us if his owner had been any less glad to see him. And then there was dinner, and he got us new chairs to sit up at our desk--we have a partner’s desk in the sitting room--because the old ones were decades old and not very cushioned and made us both a little sore to sit at for too long. 

Anyway. Tell me about Ravi. Did you talk to him? Have you told him? 

John

 

_**Received from jsnf5@gmail.co.uk, 23 April, 11:15** _

Glad you had a good time of it, John. Glad you’re starting to sort yourselves out. We never really had that chance and I’m glad you’re not shying away from it now.  
I decided I couldn’t shy away from it either, not anymore. And I did talk to Ravi. And he’s staying. So thank you for that. 

When are you two coming to stay?

 

_**Sent to jsnf5@gmail.com, 24 April, 22:04** _

Good, good, I’m so happy for you James. You deserve it. I know you’ve struggled with that, but really, you do. Don’t doubt yourself. I’m sorry if what happened between us made it difficult for both of us to start again, but you know, I’m glad we’re doing it. Healing. Not just bodies, but deeper. Not to get too maudlin on us, but I’m glad. 

We’ll come closer to the end of the month, I think; it’s easier for us both to get around when the weather’s warmer with the injuries. I’m sure you know how it is, even after things are healed up. 

John


	190. Sherlock - Yelp Review of Duck & Waffle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May.

 

**Sherlock H.**

**London, United Kingdom**

0 friends  
1 review

| 

★★★★★ _24/5/2015_

When my ridiculous prat of a brother initially suggested this restaurant for the 'date night' I was planning, I was hesitant because, well, when would I ever want to take my brother’s advice about anything? However, as his ever-expanding backside can attest, he is quite intimately acquainted with many of the best restaurants in London, and it would have been foolish of me to ignore such a clearly expert opinion.

John was impressed by the views of London from our table, though I must admit that I was far more focused on him. And on the attempted murder occurring four tables over. The victim’s choking afforded John an opportunity to utilise his skills at performing the Heimlich manoeuvre and me an opportunity to watch John’s ever-impressive competence and the way the fabric of that blazer pulls across his shoulders and arms. Then there was the realisation about the waiter and his connection not only to the fragment of bone found in the victim’s entree but also the connection to the body found on the roof of the building two months ago, and then the chase of course--wouldn’t want to forget that, as it was delightful. Oh, and my favourite part, John sitting proudly (and quite formidably) on top of Cunningham while he flailed his legs and cried of assault and false accusations and all of that nonsense as we waited for Lestrade to arrive. I did fear that John was perhaps going to be rather disappointed that our date turned into a crime scene--he is a romantic after all--but I think he may have actually enjoyed himself even more than I did. He never fails to surprise me, one of many reasons he’s quite perfect.

Overall, it was an excellent evening out. Far better than I had managed to plan on my own, I must admit. I regret that we didn’t get to actually try any of the food, but it was imperative that I get John home as soon as possible to bring our night to an even better end. I do hope, however, that we can return again soon for another date just as memorable. Perhaps a serial killer next time?  
  
---|---  
  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Duck & Waffle](https://duckandwaffle.com/) is the highest restaurant in London, located 40 floors up in Heron Tower.


	191. John - Handwritten Note Originally Left Taped to the Bathroom Mirror But Removed Before Sherlock Got Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> June.

It’s been four years since you left me here. I thought waking 

up with you in bed with me would make it ok but it was like 

waking up with a ghost. 

  
I don’t want to talk to you today. Please leave me alone.


	192. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> June, an hour or so later.

 

 _[Draft]     8:47_ _  
_ _Four years ago by this time you were dead._

 _[Draft]     8:48_ __  
_Four years ago by this time you had left me and_ __  
_I thought, if I had told you, if I had said, would_   
_you have gone?_

 _[Draft]    8:49_ __  
_And I know now that it was Moriarty why you_ __  
_left and all that means to me today is that if I_ __  
_had said, if I’d told you what I felt, you would_   
_have jumped anyway._

 _[Draft]    8:52_ __  
_I could have told you then that I loved you and_   
_you would have jumped anyway._

 _[Draft]     8:53_ __  
_Now that I have told you, it feels different than_   
_I thought it would._

[Sent]     9:01  
Don’t respond to this message. Don’t say  
anything.

[Sent]     9:02  
I miss you so much still sometimes even though  
you’re right here.

[Sent]     9:03  
I’m at Barts. Come find me. Come bring me home.


	193. Sherlock - Text Threads with Lestrade and John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> July.

Lestrade     19:21  
Where are you?

Lestrade     19:29  
You said you were going to be right behind us.

Lestrade     19:33  
I checked with Sally, and she said you finished  
up at the scene 20 mins ago. Where are you?

Lestrade     19:36  
It’s your bloody boyfriend who’s in hospital, not  
mine. You should be here, Sherlock.

 _[Draft]     19:36_ _  
_ _I know._

 _[Draft]     19:36_ _  
_ _I can’t, I_

[Sent]     19:37  
I just need a minute.

Lestrade     19:41  
Are you alright?

 _[Draft]     19:42_ _  
_ _I’m_

 _[Draft]     19:42_ _  
_ _No_

[Sent]     19:43  
I don’t know.

\-------------------------

 _[Draft]     19:46_ __  
_I know I should be there with you. I’m sorry. I_   
_just_

 _[Draft]     19:46_ _  
_ _Seeing him come after you like that_

 _[Draft]     19:47_ _  
_ _You just collapsed._

 _[Draft]     19:49_ __  
_We have been so careful, and still, there you_   
_were. I was terrified, John. I am terrified._

 _[Draft]     19:49_ __  
_And I can’t stop it. I can’t stop you being hurt. I_   
_can’t stop being afraid of it._

 _[Draft]     19:50_ __  
_And I don’t want to fight about it again. But I’m_ __  
_afraid if I go there, if I see you right now, that’s_ __  
_what will happen, and I don’t want that._ __  
_Because you are right. We need the work. Both_ __  
_of us. Which means that I need to figure out_ __  
_how to do this. How to get past the knot of_ __  
_panic that lodges in my throat every time we_   
_step foot out our front door._

 _[Draft]     19:55_ _  
_ _I just_

 _[Draft]     19:56_ _  
_ _I need to trust you._

 _[Draft]     19:56_ _  
_ _And I do. I trust you. But_

\-------------------------

Lestrade     19:58  
John’s asking for you.

\-------------------------

 _[Draft]     19:59_ __  
_I know what I did to you, all those times that I_ __  
_was careless. And I know that I won’t ever do_ __  
_that to you again, not if I can help it. I need to_   
_believe the same of you._

 _[Draft]     20:00_ __  
_I need to trust that you won’t leave me here_   
_alone._

 _[Draft]     20:01_ _  
_ _I trust you with my life. I always have._

 _[Draft]     20:01_ _  
_ _I need to trust you with yours._

\-------------------------

[Sent]     20:04  
Tell him I’m on my way.

Lestrade     20:05  
Get yourself sorted?

[Sent]     20:06  
Yes, I think I have.

[Sent]     20:06  
And, Greg, thank you. For looking after him.

Lestrade     20:08  
Not a problem.

Lestrade     20:09  
But if you really want to thank me, you can drop  
by tomorrow and actually submit your  
paperwork on time for once.

[Sent]     20:09  
Let’s not get carried away.


	194. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> August, on what would have been John's one-year wedding anniversary.

I am in love.

Being in love is great, honestly. Better than the movies make it look. Better than the songs make it sound. Being in love is waking up warm even when it’s cold out and laughing all the way into sleep at night and it’s truly, truly, truly, a miracle, to love and be loved and share love.

Today is my one year wedding anniversary, and I didn’t know, a year ago, about how good love could be. I didn’t have a clue. I got married and almost lost out on love, but it’s true, what they say, the songs and the books and the movies. Even when we fight. Even when we don’t manage to say everything that needs to be said. Even when things are bad, when they’re with Sherlock, they’re good. They’re good. 

True love wins. I don’t even care if that’s cheesy. I’m in love and I’m allowed.  

When I woke up this morning Sherlock was already awake. He gave me the saddest smile. I never want to see that smile again in my life and I knew what he was thinking. How our lives could have been different on a day like today, if only he’d seen Mary for who she was, or come back sooner, or never left, and he was wondering if maybe I could have been happier celebrating our first anniversary with her. But he was  _ wrong _ . He was wrong. Do I wish we could have gotten here with a little less pain? Yeah, of course. But I wouldn’t change a thing because we’re here now and that’s more than I could’ve dreamed. I wouldn’t risk it for anything.

Today is the last time I’m going to think about this day as anything other than a day I get to spend with him. 

Sherlock is secretly (not so secretly actually) very romantic and it takes a genius to be as thoughtful as he is, and he filled the day up with plans for us today, like a distraction almost. Maybe he thought that would stop me from thinking about what day it was. Joke’s on him; the only thing I thought about was how I could make him laugh. Sherlock’s beautiful when he laughs. I want to see it as much as possible. 

Anyway, he’s not that great at secretive date planning so it only took us one stop for me to figure out what he was doing: a meeting with a professor at the Roland-Kerr Further Education College. No such thing as coincidence, he always says. We also visited the Natural History Museum, a planetarium (I made him stop and watch the show--it was only an hour, and I liked it even if he did scoff at the narratives about the constellations), an art gallery, a vegetarian restaurant, and wrapped it all off with a private tour of Buckingham Palace. Don’t know how he wrangled that last but I almost got us arrested by snogging him against some antique Baroque sofa.

Their fault, really. Who just leaves Sherlock Holmes and John Watson alone in Buckingham Palace? 

Then I took him home and made him laugh in the middle of sex.  Which was amazing. Always amazing. Laughing is my favourite thing to do in bed, after all. And laughing is my favourite thing to do with Sherlock, too. 

I love him so, so much. And I almost lost him because of days like a year ago today. But that’s all today is to me, and that’s all it will ever be: a reminder of what a miracle it is to love each other this way. 


	195. Sherlock - Email Auto-Reply

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> September.

**_Sent from s.holmes@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk, 8 Sep, 10:13_ **

John and I are away on a much-needed romantic holiday in Paris. Right now we are undoubtedly doing something fascinating, like exploring the Catacombs or investigating the still-unsolved murder of Baroque violinist Jean-Marie Leclair or possibly having quite a lot of sex, and we will respond to your message upon our return to London on the 21st, provided that what you have to say isn’t intolerably boring or stupid.

For the record, John told me not to tell you any of that, that I should ‘be nice’ and ‘not tell the world about our sex life’, but where’s the fun in that? Honestly, he really puts far too much stock in propriety. It’s not as if I’m providing you with any salacious details. And if you couldn’t already conclude that we likely have a sex life based on the fact that we’re in a relationship, as is stated quite plainly on John’s blog, then you’re clearly an idiot, and I don’t want your case or care if you’re affronted. (Don’t tell John that, however. He makes me stupidly happy, but he can be quite stubborn when he’s angry. And I wouldn’t want to miss out on any of the holiday shagging, after all.)

Oh, and if you are now considering that this might be an excellent time to take advantage of our absence and break into our home, please remind yourself who we are and what it is that we do, and kindly reconsider.

  
Sherlock Holmes


	196. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> October.

[Sent]     15:33  
Molly’s having a Halloween party next  
week. We should go.

[Sent]     15:34  
It’s been ages since I’ve been to a fancy  
dress party. That was always my favourite  
in uni, fancy dress. Before the army.

[Sent]     15:36  
I expect you’re devastating in fancy dress.  
Positively drop dead gorgeous. What do  
you think?

 _[Draft]     15:39_ __  
_What, you really don’t like Halloween? Is it_ __  
_the fancy dress or the party with other_   
_people?_

[Sent]     15:41  
You don’t have to go if you really don’t  
want to. I might anyway, but you don’t  
have to. I mean that sincerely.

[Sent]    15:47  
Just found your note. Tell Lestrade I said hi,  
PLEASE actually do the paperwork and  
don’t just doodle in the margins because  
he makes ME fix it when you do that and  
it’s infuriating.

[Sent]     16:03  
What if we did a couples’ costume? too  
cheesy? I never did that when I was young,  
there was never anyone I wanted to do it  
with. We could do Robin Hood and Friar  
Tuck. Or Batman and Superman. Wayne  
and Garth?

[Sent]     16:04  
R2D2 and C3PO?

[Sent]     16:05  
Do you even have any idea who these  
people are?

Sherlock     16:06  
Of course I do.

[Sent]      16:08  
Hello, love. On your way home?

 _[Draft]     16:09_ _  
_ _Missed you today._

[Sent]     16:09  
What do you think? Party? Fancy dress?  
We could go as a plug and socket and really  
make people talk.

Sherlock     16:09  
Then we’d have to have a row over who  
gets to be the plug and who gets to be the  
socket. Is that really how you envision your  
Halloween?

[Sent]     16:11  
No but I bet if you made it home in the  
next few hours we could settle it pretty  
quickly.

[Sent]     16:12  
Shall we do something a little more family  
friendly? A genie and a lamp?

Sherlock     16:12  
If you’re planning to rub me, I don’t think  
that’s going to be any more ‘family  
friendly.’ How about doctor and patient?

[Sent]     16:13  
Not a game I’m particularly interested in  
anyone speculating about. Cop and  
robber?

Sherlock     16:15  
Not if anyone from the Yard is going to be  
there. I’d hate for them to get it wrong, as  
usual, and arrest the wrong man.

 _[Draft]      16:15_ __  
_Oh, sweetheart. Those days are over now._   
_Never again._

Sherlock     16:15  
Pirate and wench?

[Sent]     16:17  
Pirate and first mate, more like, I think.  
You’d make a pretty pirate I bet.

Sherlock     16:19  
You wouldn’t make a half bad first mate.

 _[Draft]     16:20_ __  
_I’m hoping for something a little more_   
_permanent than just a first mate, I think._

[Sent]     16:22  
I think I’ve even got a striped shirt. Don’t  
the first mates always wear a striped shirt?

Sherlock     16:23  
Actually I think they usually go without.  
Probably didn’t wear trousers either.

[Sent]      16:24  
Are we going to a fancy dress party, or just  
to bed then? Where are you, anyway?

Sherlock     16:24  
Just getting a cab now.

Sherlock     16:25  
And who says it can’t be both?

[Sent]      16:27  
I think I’ll wear the striped shirt to the  
fancy dress.

[Sent]     16:27  
But there’s a great deal o’ booty for you  
waitin’ at home tonight, matey.

Sherlock     16:30  
Have I told you today how much I love  
you?

Sherlock     16:30  
You are a marvel, John.

 _[Draft]     16:31_ __  
_I love you too. I love you more than I even_   
_thought possible._

 _[Draft]     16:32_ __  
_I never thought I’d be this happy, did you_ __  
_know? Perhaps I should’ve expected it but I_ __  
_didn’t. I never thought we could be this_ __  
_happy together and I just want to keep it_ __  
_this way forever. I want to always have_ __  
_this. To have you, and hold you, and all the_   
_rest of it._

_[Draft]    16:32_ __  
_And I want you to know I will always want_ __  
_this especially, but I wonder sometimes if_   
_you’re ready to hear that from me. ___

[Sent]     16:34  
I love you too, Cap’n.

[Sent]     16:34  
Now I’ve got a craving for fish and chips on  
top of it all. Get home soon so I can follow  
your treasure map to x marks the spot, and  
then dinner and maybe some crap telly  
tonight, yeah?

[Sent]     16:35  
It’ll be a nice night.

Sherlock     16:35  
Sounds perfect. Be home soon.


	197. Sherlock - Email Thread with Mummy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> November.

**_Received from mlholmes@cantab.net, 22 Nov, 13:44_ **

We just wanted to let you know that we’ve landed safe and sound in Texas, dear. We sat on the tarmac for an extra forty minutes before there was a gate free for us, but what can you do? 

I don’t know if Mycroft told you that we’ve decided to extend our stay--we won’t be home until the 12th now, but don’t worry, we’ll still be back in time for Christmas. You are going to bring John around for a proper visit this time, aren’t you? And perhaps this year we can avoid the bit where you drug your entire family.

Big hugs to you both.

 

**_Sent to mlholmes@cantab.net, 22 Nov, 17:21_ **

Oh, I don’t know, I thought maybe I’d make an annual thing of it. Far be it from me to ruin a tradition.

And yes, I thought that John and I might come round. It would be nice to have a proper Christmas with him for once. Give him the full Holmes experience, you know? Make sure he knows what he’s gotten himself into.

 

**_Received from mlholmes@cantab.net, 24 Nov, 12:06_ **

If your brother hasn’t scared him off by now, I doubt that a few days with your father and I are going to change his mind. That is what you meant by the full Holmes experience, isn’t it? You’ll stay? Christmas Eve, Boxing Day?

 

**_Sent to mlholmes@cantab.net, 24 Nov, 12:31_ **

Yes, I meant we’ll stay. Just a few days.

 

**_Received from mlholmes@cantab.net, 24 Nov, 12:39_ **

Oh Sherlock, you haven’t stayed for Christmas since you left for uni. Your John really is quite the good influence on you.

I’ll make up Mycroft’s room for him when you come.

 

**_Sent to mlholmes@cantab.net, 24 Nov, 12:42_ **

That really won’t be necessary.

 

**_Received from mlholmes@cantab.net, 24 Nov, 12:44_ **

Well, where else would he stay?

 

**_Sent to mlholmes@cantab.net, 24 Nov, 13:50_ **

He can stay in my room. 

With me.

 

**_Received from mlholmes@cantab.net, 24 Nov, 14:03_ **

Sherlock Holmes, the two of you are not married. What you get up to under your own roof is your business, but under mine, unmarried couples do not share bedrooms. You will sleep separately, and you will not scandalise your poor mother. Is that understood?

 

_ Draft to mlholmes@cantab.net, 24 Nov, 14:17 _

Mummy, you can’t be serious. I’m not 16 and bringing home a boy I just met. I am nearly 40, and this is John. 

Why should it matter if we’re married or not? I don’t even know if we’ll ever be. I doubt it’s something John would want, considering how his first marriage turned out. But he is my life, and we don’t need to be married for that to be true because it doesn’t change a damn thing about the way I feel about him. Yet under your ridiculous rule, we would be in our 70s and still forced to sleep in separate beds, just because we don’t have rings on our fingers and a piece of paper that says he can’t be compelled to testify against me. Why should that make it so that I can’t share a bed with him? I want to wake up with him on Christmas morning. Do you understand what a gift that is? I never thought 

We’ve missed so many Christmases. So many milestones. So many days and hours and minutes and seconds that we should’ve been together. I don’t want to miss any more. I won’t. It’s Christmas, and I am not going to wake up without him again.

If nothing else, I’m just going to sneak in there anyw

 

**_Sent to mlholmes@cantab.net, 24 Nov, 14:46_ **

Fine. But I’ll take Mycroft’s room, and John can have mine. I won’t subject him to the torture of Mycroft’s poor taste in decor.


	198. John - Text Thread with Mycroft Holmes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> December - it's Christmas!!

Mycroft     5:45  
Please rest assured that this is the single  
most horrific text I have ever had to send    
in my life, but I must highly recommend  
that you return to your own bed before  
Mummy awakes. You have approximately  
ten minutes.

Mycroft     5:46  
Nine minutes, if you value your lives.

[Sent]     5:46  
I got your first one. Shut up a minute.

[Sent]     5:59  
Mission accomplished, made it back to  
base. Let’s agree to never ever ever ever  
speak of this again.

Mycroft     6:00  
Agreed.

Mycroft     6:01  
You know, she really is pleased you’re here.  
And all the fuss about bedrooms is just her  
being self-indulgent. She never thought  
she’d get to make a fuss like this one over  
us. 

[Sent]     6:03  
We are absolutely not discussing your  
mother’s happiness over Sherlock and I  
having a sex life. This is not a conversation  
that is currently happening.

Mycroft     6:03  
On a much safer topic, please be aware  
that she got you two something awful for  
the holiday. Brace yourself.

[Sent]     6:05  
Oh god. You better tell me so I can be  
prepared for it. Is it alive? Did it used to be  
alive?

Mycroft     6:06  
His and his matching jumpers with  
monogram embroidery.

 _[Draft]     6:08_  
_Oh my god_

[Sent]     6:09  
I cannot WAIT to see Sherlock wearing  
that. What’s the monogram though?

Mycroft     6:09  
A bit distasteful for an unmarried couple.  
Both your first name letters on the outside  
and both your last name letters on the inside.  
Apparently she’ll expect you both to  
hyphenate when the time comes.

[Sent]      6:10  
I’m not sure that’s a time that will ever  
come. I don’t know that Sherlock is really a  
that sort of time person.

Mycroft     6:12  
I don’t actually care to spend Christmas  
morning correcting your woefully incorrect  
assumptions as to my brother so let’s table  
that discussion, shall we? What did you get  
him?

[Sent]     6:13  
Nosy. Don’t be rude. You’ll have to wait like  
everyone else.

Mycroft     6:15  
You know I can have that gift unwrapped  
and rewrapped without you ever even  
knowing it so you might as well tell me.

[Sent]     6:18  
It’s not for you, it’s for him.

Mycroft     6:19  
Yes, but I’ll be able to tell you whether he’ll  
like it and save you the trouble of worrying  
about it all through breakfast.

[Sent]     6:24  
Ugh, you’re a brat, did you know that?

[Sent]     6:25  
A new blanket for the sofa, for movie  
nights, the one we have isn’t quite big  
enough to cover us both and his feet  
always end up sticking out. A certificate I  
mocked up for him to choose the titles of  
the next three cases on the blog.

[Sent]     6:26  
And I adopted him a beehive. Through the  
British Beekeepers Association in  
London. We can go visit it and everything.

 _[Draft]     6:27_  
_I put all the adoption papers in a copy_  
_of First Lessons in Beekeeping for him to_  
_unwrap tomorrow. For someday, in the_  
_future. When we will maybe be looking for_  
_a new adventure._

_[Draft]     6:30  
Well??_

_[Draft]     6:31  
Do you think he’ll like it?_

Mycroft     6:34  
I believe then that you’ll both have a very  
good Christmas this year, John.

Mycroft     6:35  
He’ll be very pleased.

[Sent]     6:37  
You know what he got me, too, then.

Mycroft      6:38  
Yes. I could tell you, if you like.

[Sent]     6:39  
No, no no no no. Don’t tell me, I want to  
find out from him.

Mycroft      6:40  
Yes, I imagine so. Merry Christmas, John. I  
hope you’ll enjoy it.

\------------------------------------

[Sent]     23:44  
You knew it would be perfect. Thank you  
for not blabbing.

Mycroft     23:45  
The ABF skydiving event is quite popular  
among veterans. Sherlock was certain  
about its meaningfulness to you, given the  
ABF’s cause in assisting soldiers and  
veterans.

Mycroft     23:46  
I believe he also meant it as a peace  
offering. To show you that he trusts your  
decisions to partake in dangerous situations.  
A controlled situation here, but  
nonetheless.

[Sent]     23:48  
Reasonable precautions. Yeah, I know what  
it means.

[Sent]     23:49  
I’m only interested in having a good life  
with him, you know? I want us to be happy  
long into our grumpy old dotage.

Mycroft     23:51  
I know. Merry Christmas.

[Sent]     23:56  
Merry Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Adopt a beehive with the BBKA!](http://www.bbka.org.uk/shop/product/adopt-a-beehive-london/)
> 
> Or! [join the ABF - The Soldier's Charity skydiving events!](https://www.soldierscharity.org/events/skydive/)


	199. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> January - Sherlock's birthday!

[Sent]     12:09  
Where did you go? You were just here.

 _[Draft]     12:09_ _  
_ _I was hoping for another round. Thought maybe_ _  
_ _we could swi_

[Sent]     12:13  
John, where are you?

John     12:16  
Did you have a good birthday morning, love?

[Sent]     12:17  
Yes, and I was hoping to have a good birthday  
afternoon, but somebody seems to have  
disappeared.

John     12:18  
Well it wouldn’t be any fun if I didn’t give you a  
case on your birthday of all days. And because I  
couldn’t orchestrate a murder, this is what I  
came up with.

John     12:18  
The case of the missing boyfriend!

[Sent]     12:19  
Is he in our bed? I bet he’s in our bed…

[Sent]     12:20  
Well that was disappointing.

[Sent]     12:20  
Where are you?

John     12:21  
Go to where my journey started,  
back when I was broken-hearted.  
Had a coffee with a friend.  
Brought my flat search to an end.

 _[Draft]     12:21_ _  
_ _What are you_

John     12:22  
It’s a CASE, you’re not getting off that easy. You  
know, the thing with the clues? the  
investigation? I’m sure there’ll be a good prize in  
it for you at the end.

John     12:22  
If you’re fast enough.

 _[Draft]     12:23_ _  
_ _What have you been up to, you sneak?_

[Sent]     12:25  
I have to get dressed for this? Definitely not  
getting off easy, apparently.

John     12:26  
I don’t personally care whether you get dressed  
or not but maybe try not to get arrested today.

[Sent]     12:28  
Wouldn’t want to get arrested. I’ve got a case to  
solve after all.

[Sent]     12:41  
Coffee with a friend. That’s Stamford, isn’t it?

John     12:42  
Hm. You know, I think I’ve already given you  
your clue for this round. I suppose you’ll just  
have to go find out.

[Sent]     12:44  
Where you started. So before Bart’s then?

[Sent]     12:45  
Russell Square?

[Sent]     12:45  
No, I know. I just have to go and see.

John     12:46  
I’ll wait. I’m quite comfortable for the  
afternoon.

 _[Draft]     12:57_ _  
_ _You really made up a case for me to solve?_ _  
_ _Complete with rhyming clues? You ridiculous_ _  
_ _man, I love you._

[Sent]     13:39  
Why has Stamford just handed me a paper with  
the letters EU on it?

John     13:41  
Probably because this morning I handed it to  
him and told him to.

John     13:42  
Did you stop for lunch on your way over?  
There’s a Pret over the other side of the park. I’ll  
give you the next clue once you’ve picked up a  
sandwich.

[Sent]     13:44  
You going to get Mycroft to check the cctv to  
make sure I do it?

John     13:45  
No. I’m just going to assume that you’re hungry  
after all that...exercise…this morning,  and that  
you’ll buy a pastry instead of a sandwich just to  
be contrary but either way you’ll eat because  
now I mentioned it and you can’t stop thinking  
about it. Take it to go, though, you’ll have to eat  
in the next cab to stay on schedule.

[Sent]     13:46  
When did I become that transparent?

[Sent]     13:47  
Heading that way now. For a pastry. Just to be  
contrary.

John     13:48  
It’s my job to know you better than you know  
yourself. Get two pastries, we’re not going to  
dinner until late. And here’s your next clue to  
ponder while you’re queuing up.

John     13:49  
Mike said he knew a man without  
A flatmate who could help him out.  
He took me to this lab to meet  
The man who’d sweep me off my feet.

 _[Draft]     13:50_ _  
_ _I’m afraid you have that rather backwards._

[Sent]     14:06  
Two pastries, and I’m off to Bart’s apparently.

[Sent]     14:30  
Molly says hello. Again.

[Sent]     14:31  
Apparently everyone else has seen you more  
today than I have.

[Sent]     14:31  
She gave me six ears along with your paper, by  
the way.

John     14:32  
Believe me, you have seen FAR more of me than  
anyone else has today. And you can take the  
ears but please make sure they’re sealed  
properly if you’re going to put them in your coat  
pockets.

[Sent]     14:33  
I learned that lesson well enough last time,  
thank you. I don’t need the reminder.

[Sent]     14:33  
So. EU MX? Not making much sense yet.

John     14:35  
Good thing you’ve not got all the clues yet then,  
isn’t it?

John     14:36  
You having fun yet?

[Sent]     14:36  
Of course I am. You know how much I love good  
cases. Especially when they lead to gorgeous  
boyfriends at the end.

John     14:37  
Oh sorry is my little case interrupting something  
with a gorgeous boyfriend at the end? ;)  Well  
bring him along with you for the next one, I’d  
love to meet him.

[Sent]     14:37  
Best not. Wouldn’t want to make you jealous.  
Or would I? If I recall correctly, last time that  
happened, it did lead to some rather  
spectacular results.

John     14:39  
Hush you. I love you. I miss you already.

[Sent]     14:39  
I miss you, too. You better hurry up and give me  
my next clue then.

John     14:40  
He must have thought I was all right.  
He told me I conducted light.  
Now that our life is one big crime,  
We’re at this office all the time.

 _[Draft]     14:45_ _  
_ _I can’t believe you did all this for me. You_ _  
_ _actually wrote clues and got our friends involved_ _  
_ _and_

 _[Draft]     14:47_ _  
_ _No one’s ever done anything like this for me_ _  
_ _before. No one but you._

 _[Draft]     14:48_ _  
_ _You are infinitely and impossibly surprising, and_ _  
_ _I love you more every day._

[Sent]     14:53  
For a man who complains about the cost of  
taking cabs everywhere, you sure are sending  
me in a lot of them today. On my way to the  
Yard now.

[Sent]     14:55  
And thank you. I am having fun. You must have  
put a lot of work into this.

John     14:56  
It was more work hiding it from you, I think,  
than actually putting it together. You’re  
incorrigible. And there’s your real gift at the  
end, so you’ll want to keep moving!

 _[Draft]     14:56_ _  
_ _As long as it’s leading me to you._

[Sent]     15:20  
Lestrade isn’t in his office.

[Sent]     15:24  
Found it. He left it with that new PC. The one  
with the hair. Had to run off to a double  
homicide apparently. Good thing this case is  
more interesting, or I might have been tempted  
to follow him.

John     15:25  
Well if he needs your help. The rest of this isn’t  
as important as that.

 _[Draft]     15:25_ _  
_ _Wrong._

[Sent]     15:25  
He can survive without me for a day. It is my  
birthday after all. I deserve a break.

John     15:26  
We’ll solve it in the morning then. Or the  
afternoon. Whenever we manage to get up.

John     15:26  
For now though! Your next clue, and I’m afraid  
you’re not going to like this one very much but  
you do, in fact, have to go through this trial by  
fire if you want to find me.

 _[Draft]     15:26_ _  
_ _Oh no, not_

John     15:27  
Some other places that we lurk--  
Greg’s not our only source of work--  
Include this club where we are seen  
When getting cases from the queen.

[Sent]     15:27  
A better gift would have been NOT seeing my  
brother today.

[Sent]     15:28  
Maybe he’ll be off starting a war somewhere  
and have left the clue with Anthea.

John     15:29  
He better not be. He said he’d deliver it along  
with your mum’s gift.

[Sent]     15:29  
I can still hope.

[Sent]     15:57  
He gave me a favour, no strings attached. He’s  
getting soft in his old age.

John     15:58  
The scandal.

[Sent]     15:58  
Truly.

[Sent]     15:59  
What’s my next clue? Deliver me from this hell  
as quickly as possible.

John     16:06  
Do you feel you need a break  
Or perhaps a birthday cake?  
Then make a stop at this cafe  
And grab a treat without delay.

 _[Draft]     16:07_ _  
_ _Okay, Speedy’s it is. Getting closer to the flat_ _  
_ _now. Is that where this leads? Are you back at_ _  
_ _home?_

[Sent]     16:24  
Mr Chatterjee threw in one of those danishes  
you like so much.

[Sent]     16:24  
What’s next? Am I getting close?

 _[Draft]     16:24_ _  
_ _Where are you? I want to see you. You did all_ _  
_ _this and I just_

John     16:25  
Then before you go back home,  
One more place that you must roam  
Is to the one who makes a fuss  
Always taking care of us.

[Sent]     16:25  
Of course. I should have known.

[Sent]     16:58  
John, help me. She’s going on about Mrs  
Turner’s niece. I need to escape.

John     16:59  
I’m surprised you lasted as long as you did,  
actually.

John     17:02  
When it’s time to say goodbye  
Then back down the hall you’ll fly.  
Up ten steps then seven more  
Until you’re standing at our door.

John     17:04  
PLEASE remember to store Molly’s ears in a  
good container in the fridge, before you forget  
them in your pockets.

[Sent]     17:04  
Should I go in? Are you in the flat? Are you  
undressed? I hope you’re undressed.

John     17:05  
When you’re ready, go inside  
And to the final clue I’ll guide.  
Two letters hidden in plain sight  
In the place I always write.

John     17:06  
And yes, where I am, I’m definitely still dressed.

[Sent]     17:07  
EU MX JH LX LB FI MS KS?

 _[Draft]     17:08_ _  
_ _I don’t_

John      17:08  
Don’t worry, you’re very close to the end. You  
just have to fit all the evidence together, right?

John     17:09  
To solve the puzzle, if you dare,  
All you have to do’s play fair.  
Happy birthday, that’s the key,  
With all my love, to you from me.

[Sent]     17:10  
When in my life have I ever played fair?

 _[Draft]     17:11_ _  
_ _What am I supposed to_

[Sent]     17:14  
Oh, John, you clever man. Play fair. It’s a Playfair  
cipher?

John     17:15  
Well I didn’t take you all around London just to  
not be clever in the end.

John     17:15  
The solution’s a password. I bet you can guess  
to what.

 _[Draft]     17:15_ _  
_ _You’re always clever. I expected no less._

 _[Draft]     17:16_ _  
_ _So I just need to make a grid with the keyword,_ _  
_ _which is?_

 _[Draft]     17:16_ _  
_ _Obvious. Happy birthday. You really did think all_ _  
_ _this through._

 _[Draft]     17:18_ _  
_ _iloveyousherlock? Always the romantic._

[Sent]     17:18  
That password isn’t exactly the world’s most  
airtight security.

[Sent]     17:18  
And I love you, too.

 _[Draft]     17:19_ _  
_ _It’s an address._

 _[Draft]     17:19_ _  
_ _Are you really_

[Sent]     17:21  
You’re at the Royal Opera House?

John     17:21  
In the Royal Opera House’s champagne bar, to  
be exact. Waiting for you.

 _[Draft]     17:21_ _  
_ _You_

[Sent]     17:22  
In that case, yes, I certainly hope you are  
dressed.

[Sent]     17:23  
And I suppose that means I need to change.

John     17:24  
Mm. I’ll look forward to it. You are stunning all  
the time, but when you dress up...you better get  
here soon, I can’t wait to see you in the middle  
of this.

 _[Draft]     17:26_ _  
_ _Me? John Watson, have you seen yourself?_ _  
_ _What you must look like at this very moment_

[Sent]     17:26  
You can’t possibly want to see me more than I  
want to see you right now.

[Sent]     17:57  
On my way. And what, might I ask, are we to  
enjoy at the Royal Opera House tonight? Aside  
from each other’s company, of course?

John     17:59  
Swan Lake, and after we’ve got dinner  
reservations. If you’re so inclined.

 _[Draft]     18:00_ _  
_ _John, you_

 _[Draft]     18:02_ _  
_ _This is_

 _[Draft]     18:04_ _  
_ _You’re serious?_

[Sent]     18:04  
You’re taking me to the ballet?

[Sent]     18:05  
I don’t think I could possibly love you more.

 _[Draft]     18:05_ _  
_ _But I think that maybe I could spend the rest of_ _  
_ _my life trying, if you’d let me._

 _[Draft]     18:05_ _  
_ _A lifetime of this. Of you._

John     18:06  
Come find me and we’ll find out.

John     18:07  
I love you. Happy birthday, Sherlock.

[Sent]     18:07  
Thank you, darling.

[Sent]     18:07  
Best birthday I’ve had yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you’re curious:
> 
> For a Playfair cipher, you start by making a 5x5 grid. Each unique letter of the keyword/phrase is placed into the grid in order, and then you fill in the remaining letters of the alphabet in order, leaving out Q. (Some versions combine I/J into one square instead--I went with the Q-less version here.) Then the positions of each pair of encoded letters within the grid will give you your decoded pairs of letters--if they form the corners of a rectangle, the opposite corners of the rectangle are your decoded letters, and if they form a line, it’s the preceding letters instead. You can read more about Playfair ciphers [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Playfair_cipher), where there’s also a visualization of the encoding process, which does a far better job than my explanation does, lol. 
> 
> Sherlock’s grid and solution would look like this:
> 
> H  A  P  Y  B  
> I   R  T  D  C  
> E  F   G  J   K  
> L  M  N  O  S  
> U  V  W  X  Z
> 
> ENCODED: EU  MX  JH  LX   LB   FI  MS  KS  
> DECODED: IL   OV  EY  OU  SH  ER  LO  CK


	200. John - 29th January Menu from Angelo's Trattoria & Tapas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE: this chapter involves some formatting that is difficult to view on mobile and therefore desktop is recommended. Enjoy!

**angelo’s** ****  
**trattoria & tapas** ****  
**the best of the mediterranean in london** ****  
_and the host to the very first date_  
_of Sherlock Holmes & John Watson _ **  
** **soup & salad         **             _six years ago today!_

gazpacho · 4.5

italian wedding · 4.5  
                                                                                          ⤿   _just the candle tonight, but I've been thinking..._ _  
_ manchego salad · walnuts · moscatel vinaigrette · 7

kale & red quinoa salad · berries · ricotta salata · carrots · raspberry vinaigrette · 7

 **charcuterie & cheese** **  
** with bread & olive oil

the spanish meats selection · 20  
jamón ibérico de bellota (castilla y león)  
salchichón extra a la pimienta (catalunya)  
lomo de teruel (aragon)

_    this was all delicious                          _ the spanish cheese selection · 12                                                             
_ but I bet Sherlock’s tum             _ torta de barros (extramadura, sheep’s milk                                                  
_ will regret this much dairy later _ ↜ ermesenda (catalunya, cow’s milk)          _ I was right but that night he _   
                                                                  castellot (catalunya, cow’s milk)    ⤻   _ asked me to rub his belly -                _ __  
_                                                                                                                                   tickling aside - it was intimate? _ __  
__ the italian meats selection · 17                                _ vulnerable?             _   
                                                               coppa di parma (emilia romagna)                            _ for both of us I think _   
                                                                prosciutto rustichello (piedmont)          _ it’s odd to still be finding stuff    _   
                                                                        salame toscano (tuscany)                  _ we both find comforting                _ __  
_                                                                                                                                                          after all this time             _ __  
__ the italian cheese selection · 17                                                               
                                                        ubriaco al prosecco (veneto, cow’s milk)                                                    
                                                          blu di bufala (lombardy, buffalo’s milk)                                                     
                                                                    condio (veneto, cow’s milk)                                                              

**pasta**

spaghetti al pomodoro · tomato · basil · 15  
or  bolognese · 17

paglia e fieno linguine · prosciutto · peas · creamy wine sauce  · 19

    ✗✗mezzelune · ricotta & mint · porcini · peas · 15✗✗  
                                                                                                                           _Sherlock’s favourite - bit envious of_ __  
rigatoni · sausage bolognese · peppers · onion · 19 _the noise he_  
                                                                                                                                                        _made_

**vegetable**

                                                                              ⤺ courgette flower · goat cheese · orange blossom honey · 5  
_come back for these when he’s grumpy_ _  
_ grilled artichoke · broad beans · goat cheese · orange vinaigrette · 7

pan-roasted gnocchi · kale · wild mushrooms · lemon thyme crème ·  10

**fish**

galician octopus · baby potatoes · courgette & carrot · 12

monkfish · beetroot · salted grapes · 12

cedar-planked salmon · asparagus · red quinoa · 19

frutti di mare · oysters · scallops · shrimp · clams · calamari  
white wine · garlic · tomato squid ink pasta · 23

**meat**

chorizo · red pepper · artichoke · toast · 15

chicken · baby potatoes · artichoke · sun-dried tomato vinaigrette · 17

lamb · yellow beans · grilled nectarines · red onion salsa · 1

beef filet · gorgonzola crust · cipollini onion · asparagus · 19  
                                                          _come back for this when I’m grumpy_ _  
_ pork belly · rosemary cannellini beans · orange-pancetta jam · 17   ⤣

**dessert**

burnt sugar catalan custard · 5

galacian tarta de santiago · almond · orange · 5

 _shouldn’t have,_ ↜      hazelnut semifreddo · slow-roasted nectarines · toffee sauce · 7                               
_but glad we did_  
_which is something i_ house-made ice creams · vanilla · chocolate · pistachio · 4                                                 
_could say about a lot of_  
_things where you & I are concerned, Sherlock - but this? six years ago, in this same booth?                                                               _  
_I’ve never once looked back. and it hasn’t always been easy, and sometimes I lost sight of you. But I promise, no matter what,_  
from here on out,  _no matter what happens, no matter where we go: I’ll always be right here, with a candle, waiting.              I love you too, John_  
_John_                 _Sherlock_


	201. Sherlock - Unaddressed Email Saved to Drafts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also January 29.

Sitting there across from you tonight reminded me of how simple it all could have been, if I hadn’t been afraid that very first night.

But I’m not sure that man could have ever loved you the way you deserve. I’m not sure that man could have handled the way you would have loved him--the way you love me. And I’m not sure that man would have ever wanted what I realised tonight that I desire most of all.

 

It’s still difficult sometimes to admit what I want. I spent so long denying myself or putting your desires ahead of mine that I often don’t even know precisely what it is that I want. Sometimes I forget that I’m allowed to want anything at all.

But I am allowed. And for once I know exactly what I want. 

I want you and me. For the rest of my life. I want rings and vows and a piece of paper with our names on it--indelible, undeniable proof long after we’re gone that, in this place, in this time, John Watson loved Sherlock Holmes, and Sherlock Holmes loved him right back. Not merely a memory. Not a story. A fact. A fixed truth of the universe.

I know that might not be what you want. And I’m certain that I can still be happy without it so long as we’re together, however you want me, whatever that means for us. But 

 

If you had asked me six years ago what I wanted most, I would have probably said a really great case and a full pack of cigarettes.

If you asked me tonight, I would say that, more than anything, I want to be your husband.


	202. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> February.

_[Draft]     13:06_ _  
_ _John, can I ask_

 _[Draft]     13:08_ _  
_ _Did you mean_

 _[Draft]     13:12_ _  
_ _This morning, did you_

 _[Draft]     13:15_  
_Molly says I need to just ask you before I drive_  
_myself crazy. Although what she thinks I’ve been_  
_doing instead for the last four hours is a_ _  
mystery._

 _[Draft]     13:18_ _  
_ _Why is this so hard?_

[Sent]     13:21  
John, I want to ask you something.

John     13:24  
Ok? Go for it.

 _[Draft]     13:25_ _  
_ _I wondered if_

 _[Draft]     13:25_ _  
_ _I wanted to know_

[Sent]     13:26  
Did you mean what you said?

[Sent]     13:26  
This morning. Did you mean that?

 _[Draft]     13:28_ _  
_ _Please say you did._

John     13:30  
Did I mean what I said when this morning? We  
didn’t really talk much before you left for Barts?

 _[Draft]     13:32_ _  
_ _I meant_

[Sent]     13:32  
No, before that.

[Sent]     13:33  
When we were still in bed.

John     13:38  
In bed. I thought you were asleep when we  
were still in bed.

 _[Draft]     13:39_ _  
_ _Oh_

 _[Draft]     13:39_ _  
_ _So does that mean you didn’t_

John     13:40  
I’m sorry love, I didn’t mean to make you  
uncomfortable, I was just. I thought you were  
asleep.

 _[Draft]     13:41_ _  
_ _Why would I be un_

[Sent]     13:43  
No. I wasn’t.

[Sent]     13:43  
Uncomfortable, I mean.

[Sent]     13:44  
Did you mean it?

John     13:46  
You weren’t uncomfortable?

John     13:47  
You’re not uncomfortable that I might want  
that?

[Sent]     13:48  
That you want to marry me?

 _[Draft]     13:48_ _  
_ _That’s what you said, right? That you_

John     13:52  
Just after everything. And you’ve never said  
anything and I didn’t know and I just was  
thinking and you were asleep so I just thought  
I’d see how it felt to say out loud.

 _[Draft]     13:54_ _  
_ _What does that mean?_

[Sent]     13:55  
I wasn’t sure you’d want

[Sent]     13:56  
You never said either.

[Sent]     13:56  
Are you saying that you do? That’s what you  
want?

John     13:58  
I’ve thought about it.

John     13:58  
A lot.

John     13:58  
But I don’t want to make you feel like you have  
to want that just because I think about it  
sometimes.

 _[Draft]     13:59_ _  
_ _I thought you might not_

 _[Draft]     14:01_ _  
_ _After the last time, I didn’t_

 _[Draft]     14:02_  
_You’re not saying that just because I heard you,_ _  
are you? Because we don’t have to. We can just_

 _[Draft]     14:04_  
_I mean I do want that. If you do. I’ve thought_  
_about it a lot, too. The idea of saying those_ _  
words and wearing your ring and_

 _[Draft]     14:05_ _  
_ _Yes. That’s what I want. Yes._

[Sent]     14:05  
I want that.

[Sent]     14:06  
I want to marry you.

John     14:08  
Oh. Good. That’s

John     14:08  
That’s good.

John     14:09  
Really? You’re sure? We haven’t talked about it,  
we can talk about it.

 _[Draft]     14:10_  
_You are the most extraordinary man I’ve ever_ __  
_met, and nothing--literally nothing--would make_  
_me happier than to marry you._

[Sent]     14:11  
I’ve never been more certain of anything in my  
life.

 _[Draft]     14:13_ _  
_ _Is that_

 _[Draft]     14:13_ _  
_ _Are we_

John     14:14  
If you’re sure, really sure, then I think I’d like to  
ask you.

John     14:14  
Properly I mean. I want to do it properly.

[Sent]     14:15  
I think I’d like that.

John     14:16  
Ok then. Okay. Good.

John     14:17  
When are you coming home again?

[Sent]     14:19  
Oh did you mean now?

[Sent]     14:19  
I can get a cab if you want.

John    14:20  
No, no I want to plan something for that.  
Something special. No, I just wanted to kiss you  
actually.

 _[Draft]     14:20_ _  
_ _Yes_

John     14:20  
No hurry though. I expect I can kiss you  
whenever you get home, if you’re busy.

[Sent]     14:21  
No, I’m on my way.

[Sent]     14:22  
I’ll give the cabbie an extra 20 pounds to get me  
there in half the time.

John     14:23  
Good, yeah. That sounds good. Good.

[Sent]     14:28  
I love you.

John     14:29  
I love you too. I’m waiting for you on the stairs.

[Sent]     14:35  
We’re turning onto Baker Street now. Meet me  
at the door.

 _[Draft]     14:35_  
_Meet me on the pavement if you can. I don’t_ _  
care. Just get out here and kiss me, J_


	203. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock     13:21  
John, I want to ask you something.

[Sent]     13:24  
Ok? Go for it.

Sherlock     13:26  
Did you mean what you said?

Sherlock     13:26  
This morning. Did you mean that?

 _[Draft]     13:28_ _  
_ _Fuck. Fuck fuck fu_

[Sent]     13:30  
Did I mean what I said when this morning? We   
didn’t really talk much before you left for Barts?

 _[Draft]     13:30_   
_Please don’t have heard me. Please don’t let_ _  
everything be ruined._

Sherlock     13:32  
No, before that.

Sherlock     13:33  
When we were still in bed.

 _[Draft]     13:34_   
_I wasn’t trying to pressure you. I wasn’t even_ _  
asking really. It was mostly just a dream. _

_[Draft]     13:35_   
_I just wanted to know how it would sound._ _  
Those words with you in my arms._

[Sent]     13:38  
In bed. I thought you were asleep when we   
were still in bed.

 _[Draft]     13:39_ _  
_ _Fuck._

[Sent]     13:40  
I’m sorry love, I didn’t mean to make you   
uncomfortable, I was just. I thought you were   
asleep.

Sherlock     13:43  
No. I wasn’t.

Sherlock     13:43  
Uncomfortable, I mean.

Sherlock     13:44  
Did you mean it?

[Sent]     13:46  
You weren’t uncomfortable?

[Sent]     13:47  
You’re not uncomfortable that I might want   
that?

Sherlock     13:48  
That you want to marry me?

 _[Draft]     13:50_ _  
_ _God. To see it written. I can’t_

 _[Draft]     13:51_   
_I want to say it. I know it’s stupid and it’s no_   
_promise I haven’t already broken to someone_   
_else but I want to say it. It feels like putting the_   
_universe to rights. It feels like the way things_   
_ought to be. Like something we could make_ _  
really good in our life._

[Sent]     13:52  
Just after everything. And you’ve never said   
anything and I didn’t know and I just was   
thinking and you were asleep so I just thought   
I’d see how it felt to say out loud.

Sherlock     13:55  
I wasn’t sure you’d want

Sherlock     13:56  
You never said either.

Sherlock     13:56  
Are you saying that you do? That’s what you   
want?

[Sent]     13:58  
I’ve thought about it.

[Sent]     13:58  
A lot.

[Sent]     13:58  
But I don’t want to make you feel like you have   
to want that just because I think about it   
sometimes.

 _[Draft]     14:00_ _  
_ _Sherlock?_

 _[Draft]     14:01_   
_Please don’t let me have ruined anything. Please_ _  
please please I love you I love you I love you _

_[Draft]     14:02_   
_I love you, I’m happy the way things are, I don’t_   
_need this, I just want you to be happy. I want_   
_this but I want you more, it doesn’t matter how_ _  
that looks._

Sherlock     14:05  
I want that.

Sherlock     14:06  
I want to marry you.

[Sent]     14:08  
Oh. Good. That’s

[Sent]     14:08  
That’s good.

[Sent]     14:09  
Really? You’re sure? We haven’t talked about it,   
we can talk about it.

Sherlock     14:11  
I’ve never been more certain of anything in my   
life.

 _[Draft]     14:12_ _  
_ _Oh god. Did we just? Are we really?_

[Sent]     14:14  
If you’re sure, really sure, then I think I’d like to   
ask you.

[Sent]     14:14  
Properly I mean. I want to do it properly.

Sherlock     14:15  
I think I’d like that.

[Sent]     14:16  
Ok then. Okay. Good.

[Sent]     14:17  
When are you coming home again?

Sherlock     14:19  
Oh did you mean now?

Sherlock     14:19  
I can get a cab if you want.

[Sent]    14:20  
No, no I want to plan something for that.   
Something special. No, I just wanted to kiss you   
actually.

[Sent]     14:20  
No hurry though. I expect I can kiss you   
whenever you get home, if you’re busy.

Sherlock     14:21  
No, I’m on my way.

Sherlock     14:22  
I’ll give the cabbie an extra 20 pounds to get me   
there in half the time.

[Sent]     14:23  
Good, yeah. That sounds good. Good.

Sherlock     14:28  
I love you.

[Sent]     14:29  
I love you too. I’m waiting for you on the stairs.

 _[Draft]     14:31_ _  
_ _Come on. Come on where are you._

 _[Draft]     14:32_   
_Come on come on what’s taking so long I need_ _  
you here now I love you_

Sherlock     14:35  
We’re turning onto Baker Street now. Meet me   
at the door.


	204. Sherlock - Email Thread with Mummy

_ Draft to mlholmes@cantab.net, 28 Feb, 12:14 _

Mummy, there’s something

 

_ Draft to mlholmes@cantab.net, 28 Feb, 18:39 _

I just wanted to tell you

 

**_Sent to mlholmes@cantab.net, 29 Feb, 9:51_ **

Hello, Mummy. How’s your trip? Where was it again this time--Colorado? Arizona? One of those western states or something. 

I was going to call, but I didn’t want to interrupt. I just wanted to let you know that John and I are engaged. It’s not a big deal. Don’t make a fuss over it. But I thought you would want to know.

 

**_Received from mlholmes@cantab.net, 29 Feb, 12:40_ **

You should have called! Please, interrupt away when it’s with news like this.

You’re actually getting married! Oh Sherlock, I am so happy for you. And for John. He’s lovely. Your father and I both just adore him to bits.

 

Come now, tell me how it happened so that I can make a proper fuss.

 

**_Sent to mlholmes@cantab.net, 29 Feb, 14:32_ **

How do these things usually happen? We went out, John asked, I said yes, and here we are. 

No fuss necessary.

 

**_Received from mlholmes@cantab.net, 29 Feb, 14:34_ **

Sherlock, I know that you have always valued your privacy, but we both know that this is the only time I’m going to have the chance to celebrate something like this. Just let me have this one. Indulge me. Please.

 

_ Draft to mlholmes@cantab.net, 29 Feb, 14:41 _

Must I?

 

**_Sent to mlholmes@cantab.net, 29 Feb, 15:06_ **

John took me to a little bar on Caxton Street for a late dinner, drinks, that sort of thing. Nothing too extravagant. Just warm and comfortable and nice. The kind of place where you sit together on settees or across from each other in armchairs. We shared a few plates, and they make their own honey there--they have beehives on the roof--so I had some kind of cocktail with honey and grapefruit juice in it. I may have had a couple actually. 

And then we just sort of wandered through Westminster for a while. Along the edge of St. James’s Park, around the Abbey, over near the river. It was late, so things were quiet. As quiet as they ever are in the middle of London at least. But sometimes we’d turn a corner, and it would only be the two of us, and John would smile and take off at a run laughing or ask me to dance right in the middle of the street or stop entirely and just breathe. 

We decided to cross the bridge, maybe find a nightcap in South Bank somewhere, and halfway across John stopped. I actually thought maybe he needed to tie his shoe or something, but I turned around and there he was on one knee. He had a ring and everything. Even though we had talked about it before and I knew he was going to ask soon, suddenly seeing him there, the city all around us, it was so much more than I expected. He’s so much more than I expected. Always. 

So he asked. Sort of. I don’t think he quite got it all out actually. He got a bit choked up. (Don’t tell him I told you that--he’d be mortified.) But it didn’t matter because I would’ve said yes before he finished anyway. Really I said it long before he started.

After that, we decided to skip the nightcap and went home, and that’s all you need to know about the rest of the night.

 

Better?

 

**_Received from mlholmes@cantab.net, 29 Feb, 15:18_ **

Much. Knowing you two, I half expected you to tell me he proposed over a crime scene, but this sounds like you, too--I know you like to hide it, dear, but you’ve always been a bit of a romantic. I’m so happy John knows that, too, and gave you such a lovely evening to remember. You deserve it. You both do.

 

Now. About the wedding. I know you’d probably pop down to the register’s office and marry him today if you could, but you will have a proper wedding, won’t you? We can cut our trip short to come home and help you plan, if you need us to.

 

**_Sent to mlholmes@cantab.net, 29 Feb, 17:03_ **

We haven’t talked about all the rest yet. When or how or anything like that. It’ll be soon, I would think. I don’t think either of us is interested in waiting any longer than necessary. Maybe something small? A proper wedding, as you say, but nothing too ostentatious. If that’s what John wants, too. I’ll have to ask him.

Either way, you’re not in any danger of us getting married before you come home next week. That’s not even long enough for us to give notice. There’s no need to rush back.

 

**_Received from mlholmes@cantab.net, 29 Feb, 17:10_ **

Talk to John and let us know if you change your mind, dear. We’ll be on the next flight to help you start planning if we need to be.

And congratulations to you both. We really couldn’t be happier for you. Big hugs and kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bar John takes Sherlock to is [Caxton Bar](http://www.caxtongrill.co.uk/caxton-bar/), where they do indeed have [beehives on the roof](http://www.caxtongrill.co.uk/caxton/our-bees-kitchen-garden/), as well as a bee hotel for those that don't live in hives. Also, throughout the bar there just so happen to be [cushions with elephants on them](https://www.facebook.com/149522758440152/photos/a.169398376452590.41903.149522758440152/169398399785921/?type=3&theater). What could be more perfect?


	205. John - Handwritten Note from John's Notebook

THINGS TO DO

1\. Make up a guest list.  
         -keep it short. Really short. His parents, my sister, our friends. None of these “polite” invites.

2\. Find a place to get married (considering size of the party) and reception.

3\. Find a best man. Should we do best men? He was mine last time. Can’t really think of someone else I’d want to do it?  
          Can we be each other’s best men?  is that possible? I could ask Greg maybe? Harry?

4\. Find out if Sherlock wants a best man. If he does ask Harry to be mine.

5\. Cake arrangements. I am demanding some kind of fruit filling - raspberry maybe? See what he likes

6\. Suits. but I am NOT wearing the morning suit with the tails and the waistcoat and the nonsense.  
                                   Plus I’m pretty sure he hated the morning suits.

7\. Find out if Sherlock wants to wear morning suits.

8\. Pick colours? Don’t remember doing this before. I think grey maybe. Greys and blues. To bring out Sherlock's eyes  
            Do they have grey and blue flowers? Do we even need flowers?

9\. Flowers. Less white, maybe blue/grey, maybe. are forget-me-nots blue? something small. None of these enormous displays.  
            Maybe lanterns instead? candles? floating candles? he looks astonishing by candlelight

10\. Do we even need centerpieces? - will depend on the venue right?

11\. I suppose it depends on what he wants. I want it to be perfect for him. I want him to plan HIS dream wedding. Not some magazine thing.  
            I wonder if he has a dream wedding? He must, right? I didn’t even know that I did until we were planning the one last year.   
                 I kept thinking, nothing is right. None of this is right.  
                   
                 I don’t want him to feel that way about our wedding. I want our wedding to take his breath away.

11\. Invitations?

12\. Seating arrangements. Will we really have that many guests though?

13\. Catering and wine - he prefers sweet

14\. Deputy register for the ceremony

15\. Don’t let him get stressed out. Take him for dates. Give him room to vent. Make sure we’re talking, make sure we’re taking time for each other.  
            I lost so much of him trying to do this last time I think and maybe if I hadn’t I would have known why earlier.  
               I think if I had seen him properly, really seen him, I would have seen what he felt for me, because he was really        sad.

                              He was really sad. Because I didn't think to look. I should've looked.  
  
                              I don’t want him to be sad this time. I don't want him to be sad ever again.

So plan a few romantic dinners, walks in the park, just cuddling and watching telly even, just remind him all the time why we’re doing this.  
              because I love him, and he loves me. and it’s a good thing.  
                                     and we’re going to keep it.


	206. Sherlock - Email Thread with Mycroft

**_Sent to mh1@holmes.uk, 3 Mar, 9:36_ **

I want to redeem my favour. 

I don’t want a lecture about it. I don’t want reminders about the dangers of getting involved. I don’t want any of your usual sneering. I want my favour, exactly as you agreed upon--no strings, no comments.

 

**_Received from mh1@holmes.uk, 3 Mar, 9:51_ **

I am aware of the details of the arrangement, and I intend to honour them. 

What exactly is it that you want?

 

**_Sent to mh1@holmes.uk, 3 Mar, 11:04_ **

I want grandpere’s ring.

 

**_Received from mh1@holmes.uk, 3 Mar, 11:19_ **

Is it your intention to give it to John?

 

**_Sent to mh1@holmes.uk, 3 Mar, 11:53_ **

What I choose to do with it is my concern. But yes, if you must stick your overlarge nose into the matter, I plan to give it to John. He believes in tradition, and as you presumably have no intention of marrying or engaging in sentiment of any kind, you have no use for it. The only reason it went to you in the first place is because you’re the eldest and everyone assumed neither of us would marry. 

But I am, so I want it. I want John to have it.

 

**_Received from mh1@holmes.uk, 3 Mar, 12:27_ **

In that case, there is no need to redeem your favour. I’ll give it to you without need for recompense.

 

**_Sent to mh1@holmes.uk, 3 Mar, 12:45_ **

When have you ever given anyone anything without wanting something in return? Why would you start now?

 

**_Received from mh1@holmes.uk, 3 Mar, 19:38_ **

For a start, as you say, it should be yours. You are the one getting married, and that is how it was intended to be passed down.

I also believe grandpere would have liked to see it go to John. He would have found John a sort of kindred spirit, if you will.

And mostly because I’m happy for you, brother mine. 

I know that I‘m the one who taught you to favour logic and reason over sentiment--perhaps there were other courses of action that I could have taken, but it seemed the best option at the time. Forgive me, I was only thirteen. I thought that if I could protect you from ever again feeling that kind of heartbreak, you’d be happier for it, that you could live a satisfying life without any of the messy entanglements that sentiment brings. 

In no other matter have I ever been so wrong, nor been as happy for it. 

We haven’t always agreed you and I, but I have always only wanted what’s best for you. I am delighted that you have found that in John. You managed to overcome my mistakes and find your own path to prosperity, and I could not be prouder.

I told you before that I would give you any assistance you require for your forthcoming marriage, and I meant it. Grandpere’s ring is the least I can give you. I’ll send it along to my jeweller to be cleaned and polished. While it’s there, you may wish to consider the addition of an inscription. John is a writer after all--for him, words have power. For you, as well, I believe. I’ll send along their number, and you can work out the details.

Please let me know if there’s anything else I can do for you or for John, little bee.

 

_ Draft to mh1@holmes.uk, 3 Mar, 23:51 _

What do you expect me to say to that? 

 

_ Draft to mh1@holmes.uk, 4 Mar, 00:46 _

I suppose I always suspected you might harbour some kind of brotherly compassion somewhere deep, deep down, out of a sense of obligation if nothing more, but you’re actually happy for me? You really mean that? You

 

**_Sent to mh1@holmes.uk, 4 Mar, 2:07_ **

Thank you, Mycroft.

 

**_Sent to mh1@holmes.uk, 4 Mar, 2:19_ **

Actually, I could use some assistance with one of John’s gifts for the wedding. Can I stop by around 10 so we could discuss it?

 

**_Received from mh1@holmes.uk, 4 Mar, 8:03_ **

I’ll clear my schedule.


	207. John - Text Thread with Harry Watson

Harry     12:02  
Saw on your blog that you and Sherlock went  
and decided to be each other’s best men!! I’d  
say that’s awful of you both but I can’t imagine  
who else you’d choose, the pair of you are  
disgusting.

Harry     12:03  
But who’s going to plan your stag night? Are  
you just going out with the two of you  
again??

Harry     12:03  
‘Cos that’s not a stag do. That’s a date.

 _[Draft]     12:05_ __  
_I didn’t really think we’d have one. Not after_   
_the mess we ended up in last time._

[Sent]     12:13  
Hadn’t really thought about it I guess. We’ll  
probably just go for a few drinks?

Harry     12:14  
No fun! Come on, Johnny, let’s have a proper  
party!!!

[Sent]     12:15  
Oh no. No you are NOT planning my stag do.

Harry     12:17  
Don’t be a spoilsport, I won’t even drink!! I’m  
doing too well with my program anyway but  
the pair of you should be properly three  
sheets to the wind. That’s the only way LOL!

Harry     12:18  
Surely you two have friends?? People to  
celebrate with???

[Sent]     12:19  
It would just be the same people who are  
coming to the wedding, though. They  
don’t need to celebrate with us twice.

Harry     12:23  
John Watson.

Harry     12:24  
If these people are anything like me, they  
had to watch the pair of you pine for each  
other for years, and I’ll even bet most of  
them went to the last wedding farce you  
put on. BELIEVE ME when I say we would  
all gladly celebrate the two of you  
getting your heads out of your arses two  
days a week, much less two days out of  
the year.

Harry     12:25  
Alright? So. You send me a list of names,  
and I’ll arrange it all, a good 2 grooms for  
the price of 1 stag do!! Ok?

 _[Draft]    12:26_ __  
_Fine! Let me ask him. The last stag do…_   
_maybe isn’t something he’d like to revisit._

[Sent]     12:31  
Yeah, alright. Sherlock says he’ll email  
you. Just dinner, though, nothing crazy,  
okay?

Harry     12:32  
Yes!!!! This will be perfect! You have  
nothing to worry about, promise.

 _[Draft]     12:34_ __  
_We unequivocally reserve the right to_ __  
_sneak off whenever we like though. It is_ _  
_ _our own stag do after all._


	208. John - Blog Post Saved to Drafts

~~ Sherlock, ~~

~~ When I first met you, I thought you were a madman. I’m not sure I was wrong, actually. I also thought you were fascinating and brilliant and gorgeous and yes, probably most definitely likely mad. And I thought, well I can’t miss out on this.  ~~

~~ I did though. I missed out, for a long time. I didn’t understand. I didn’t ask.  ~~

 

~~ When we first met ~~

 

~~ I’ve been sat staring at this page for two hours now and I just want to tell you that I love you. It has not been an easy path we followed, but ~~

 

Sherlock,

When we first met, I was already lost. But you were able to see inside and find what was left. You were able to see me so clearly, and when you brought me home to 221B, you brought me to life - to this life. To our life. 

Since then you have found me so many times, and offered up this life every time. And I am standing here today to promise to live it with you, from now until the end. 

I can’t promise this life will be perfect, Sherlock. I can’t promise we won’t fight about heads in the fridge or eyeballs in the microwave. I can’t promise that I will always be patient, or that I will never be scared. 

But I can promise to try. 

I promise to reach for you when I need you, and to hold you when you reach for me. To protect you from the criminals we chase and from the ghosts that chase us, and to trust you, unconditionally and without hesitation, to protect me. I promise I will always follow you wherever you go, and to always lead you home when you lose your way.

I have always loved you, Sherlock, even when you thought I didn’t, and I promise that I always will love you, even when you think I couldn’t possibly. 

I’m standing here today with you, Sherlock, to give to you my hand and my heart into this one life we share together, and I promise you will never have to find me again, because I will be where I belong: by your side.


	209. Sherlock - Handwritten Note from Sherlock's Notepad

I said once before that you are the bravest, kindest, and wisest man I know, a sentiment I still share. But there is so much more to add

John, I never thought that I would find

                             I never imagined there would be anyone like you

           ~~Sometimes I wonder how you can possibly be real.~~

how do people write their own  
vows this is                   

You have made me happier than I thought possible.

I cannot begin to tell you

       I once considered you my biggest weakness, but I now know that you’re my greatest strength. You make me better in every possible no no no no no no

  
   I love you madly, you beautiful, ridiculous man.      Why can’t I just say this???

 ~~I fear that~~   
John, you are the best man that I have ever known, and I

I don’t actually think words exist that can express how deeply I love you.

  
  
 John, you are my conductor of light, not only in the work we do, but also in the life we share. You are the sun when the darkness threatens. You are the guiding star when I lose my way. You give me hope and warmth and more joy than I ~~have ever deserved~~ could have possibly imagined. I don’t honestly know how I survived so long without you--all I know is that I don’t want to try to ever again. And so I stand here today and ask to be your husband. If you’ll have me, I will spend my life showing you ~~the depth of my affection~~   ~~how much I love you~~          ~~everything you mean to me?~~

If you’ll have me, I will spend my life loving you in all the ways that you deserve, unconditionally and absolutely. I will share all of my adventures with you, the two of us, hand in hand, against the rest of the world. I will never leave you out or leave you behind, as the only place I want to be is at your side. I will trust you, with your life and with mine, with all things great and small. And I will try every day to give you the best of myself, even though I know that you will still love me at my worst.

John, you are the best man that I have ever known, and it will be my honour and privilege to love you, to share my life with you, and to follow your light, anywhere that it leads me. Through calm and through storms. Through fear and through joy. Through the darkened streets of this city we love, and always,  always back home again to 221B.


	210. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The night before the wedding.

_[Draft]     23:01_ __  
_This was a terrible fucking idea. Why did I think_   
_this was at all a good idea._

 _[Draft]     23:04_ __  
_Are you asleep? I can’t sleep. I hate sleeping_   
_without you._

 _[Draft]    23:09_ _  
_ _How would you feel if_

 _[Draft]     23:10_ _  
_ _What do you think about_

 _[Draft]     23:15_ _  
_ _I miss you._

 _[Draft]     23:37_ _  
_ _I still can’t sleep._

 _[Draft]     23:38_ _  
_ _Are you asleep? How are you handling this?_

[Sent]      23:44  
God, the bed up here is terrible. I have no  
fucking clue how I slept up here for so long.

Sherlock     23:45  
I have no idea either. Just further proof that you  
should have been down here in mine all along.

[Sent]     23:46  
Ha bloody ha. I hope you’re comfortable down  
there. You’ll have to excuse me for hobbling  
down the aisle tomorrow.

Sherlock     23:48  
I’d be more comfortable if I had my favourite  
pillow, but for some strange reason he seems to  
think he needs to sleep in the bed upstairs  
tonight.

[Sent]     23:49  
It’s tradition. We’re not supposed to see each  
other before the wedding.

[Sent]     23:49  
I wanted to make sure you got the full wedding  
experience after all.

 _[Draft]     23:50_ _  
_ _Or you could invite me back down._

Sherlock     23:51  
Really, John, of all the traditions surrounding  
weddings, I don’t believe this is the one we  
desperately need to uphold. We live together  
for god’s sake. You’re uncomfortable up there.  
Just come down here and get into bed with me  
where you belong.

[Sent]     23:52  
Do you know I can hear you huffing and rolling  
your eyes from all the way up here?

[Sent]     23:53  
I’m on my way.

[Sent]     23:54  
And if we’re going to break tradition anyway,  
would you be interested in making sure it were  
really broken? Just totally smashed to bits? Just  
totally shattered? Cause I’ve got some ideas  
about that, too.

 _[Draft]     23:55_ __  
_I know I’m teasing, but. I want to hold you. I_   
_want to show you how I love you._

Sherlock     23:55  
Oh, well, why don’t you come down here and  
tell me what you had in mind.

[Sent]     23:56  
Only if you promise to let me see it when you  
blush.

Sherlock     23:56  
Who says I’m not already? You’ll only know if  
you actually come and see.

[Sent]     23:57  
Turn on your bedside table light so I can see  
you. I’m here.

 _[Draft]     23:57_ __  
_So I can see every inch of you as I’m kissing each_   
_and every one._


	211. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

_[Draft]     23:06_ _  
_ _I can’t sleep_

 _[Draft]     23:21_ _  
_ _Why are you up there? This is ridiculous._

 _[Draft]     23:24_ _  
_ _I miss you. It feels all… wrong without you here._

 _[Draft]     23:33_   
_What if I sneak up there instead and we make_ _  
the most of our last night as fiancés?_

 _[Draft]     23:40_   
_I can hear you rolling around. You’re not_ _  
sleeping either. Just come back down here._

John      23:44  
God, the bed up here is terrible. I have no   
fucking clue how I slept up here for so long.

[Sent]     23:45  
I have no idea either. Just further proof that you   
should have been down here in mine all along.

John     23:46  
Ha bloody ha. I hope you’re comfortable down   
there. You’ll have to excuse me for hobbling   
down the aisle tomorrow.

 _[Draft]     23:47_   
_If it’s that bad, come back down here. Neither of_ _  
us wants you up there._

[Sent]     23:48  
I’d be more comfortable if I had my favourite   
pillow, but for some strange reason he seems to   
think he needs to sleep in the bed upstairs   
tonight.

John     23:49  
It’s tradition. We’re not supposed to see each   
other before the wedding.

John     23:49  
I wanted to make sure you got the full wedding   
experience after all.

 _[Draft]     23:50_ _  
_ _To hell with tradition. I want you._

[Sent]     23:51  
Really, John, of all the traditions surrounding   
weddings, I don’t believe this is the one we   
desperately need to uphold. We live together   
for god’s sake. You’re uncomfortable up there.   
Just come down here and get into bed with me   
where you belong.

John     23:52  
Do you know I can hear you huffing and rolling   
your eyes from all the way up here?

John     23:53  
I’m on my way.

John     23:54  
And if we’re going to break tradition anyway,   
would you be interested in making sure it were   
really broken? Just totally smashed to bits? Just   
totally shattered? Cause I’ve got some ideas   
about that, too.

 _[Draft]     23:54_   
_John Watson, could you be any more bloody_ _  
perfect? I cannot wait to be your husband._

[Sent]     23:55  
Oh, well, why don’t you come down here and   
tell me what you had in mind.

John     23:56  
Only if you promise to let me see it when you   
blush.

[Sent]     23:56  
Who says I’m not already? You’ll only know if   
you actually come and see.

 _[Draft]     23:57_ _  
_ _Emphasis on the co_

John     23:57  
Turn on your bedside table light so I can see   
you. I’m here.


	212. Sherlock - Text Thread with John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before the ceremony.

[Sent]     17:22  
Are you dressed? Where are you?

 _[Draft]     17:22_ _  
_ _Are you ready? Do you_

 _[Draft]     17:24_ _  
_ _John?_

 _[Draft]     17:25_ _  
_ _You still want to do this, don’t you?_

John     17:26  
Yes to dressed, yes to ready, upstairs by the  
windows on the south side. Are you dressed?  
Feeling ok?

[Sent]     17:26  
Yes and yes. Though I’d like to see you.

[Sent]     17:26  
I know you want to wait until the ceremony, but  
I just

 _[Draft]     17:27_ _  
_ _I don’t care. I need to_

[Sent]     17:27  
Meet me at the corner? I won’t look.

 _[Draft]     17:28_  
_We don’t even have to talk. Just be here. Let me_  
_hear you breathe. Hold your hand. Something._ _  
Anything. Please._

John     17:30  
Yeah. Yes. The southeast corner? I’ll be there.

[Sent]     17:32  
Thank you.

John     17:36  
Your hand is cold. You all right?

 _[Draft]     17:37_ _  
_ _Yes. You’re still here._

 _[Draft]     17:37_ _  
_ _That’s all I need._

[Sent]     17:38  
More than alright now.

[Sent]     17:38  
Are you?

John     17:39  
Yes.

John     17:42  
You sure about this? Last chance to change your  
mind.

 _[Draft]     17:43_  
_I’ve been waiting six years for this. And in a few_  
_minutes we’re going to go downstairs and you_  
_and everyone we care about are all going to_  
_know just how absolutely sure I am that_  
_marrying you is the best damn decision I will_ _  
ever make, and I_

[Sent]     17:43  
I’m certain. What about you?

John     17:44  
Never been more certain in my life.

John     17:45  
I love you. I want to be with you forever. I’m  
certain.

[Sent]     17:45  
John

 _[Draft]     17:45_ _  
_ _You can’t just say that right now. Not yet. I’m_

[Sent]     17:46  
Is it bad luck to cry before the ceremony?

 _[Draft]     17:47_  
_Good lord, I’m a mess already. How am I going_ _  
to manage to_

John     17:48  
No, hush, I’m not laughing at you. You just made  
me smile. No, it’s not bad luck to cry. It’s okay.

 _[Draft]     17:48_ _  
_ _I love you so much._

John     17:49  
Me too, a bit. Hopefully no one will be able to  
tell by the time we get there.

[Sent]     17:49  
We should probably head downstairs actually.  
But before we do

 _[Draft]     17:50_ _  
_ _While it’s just the two of us here_

 _[Draft]     17:50_ _  
_ _I can’t say this out loud right now or I’ll really be_  
_a mess_

[Sent]     17:50  
I want you to know

 _[Draft]     17:51_ _  
_ _That this_

 _[Draft]     17:51_ _  
_ _I need to tell yo u that_

[Sent]     17:52  
This ist he happiest day off my life

John      17:52  
Sherlock

John     17:53  
Unless you tell me no, in about five seconds I’m  
going to come around this corner and kiss you.

John     17:53  
Okay?

[Sent]     17:53  
Please


	213. John - Text Thread with Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock     17:22  
Are you dressed? Where are you?

 _[Draft]     17:24_   
_By the windows upstairs. I’m so nervous I feel_ _  
like I’m going to shake out of my skin. _

_[Draft]     17:25_   
_Not - I don’t mean nervous to do this, I mean,_   
_we’re so close, and I just want it to be done so_ _  
nothing can keep us apart ever again. _

[Sent]     17:26  
Yes to dressed, yes to ready, upstairs by the   
windows on the south side. Are you dressed?   
Feeling ok?

Sherlock     17:26  
Yes and yes. Though I’d like to see you.

Sherlock     17:26  
I know you want to wait until the ceremony, but   
I just

Sherlock      17:27  
Meet me at the corner? I won’t look.

 _[Draft]     17:29_   
_You say that but I’m going to be awfully_ _  
tempted._

[Sent]     17:30  
Yeah. Yes. The southeast corner? I’ll be there.

Sherlock     17:32  
Thank you.

[Sent]     17:36  
Your hand is cold. You all right?

 _[Draft]     17:37_   
_I wish I could see all of you. Holding hands_ _  
around a corner is just a terrible tease._

Sherlock     17:38  
More than alright now.

Sherlock     17:38  
Are you?

[Sent]     17:39  
Yes.

 _[Draft]     17:40_   
_You’re not doubting this, are you? I think you_   
_might be crying. If you don’t want this now I_ _  
need you to say so. Talk to me._

 _[Draft]     17:41_ _  
_ _If this isn’t_

[Sent]     17:42  
You sure about this? Last chance to change your   
mind.

Sherlock     17:43  
I’m certain. What about you?

[Sent]     17:44  
Never been more certain in my life.

[Sent]     17:45  
I love you. I want to be with you forever. I’m   
certain.

Sherlock     17:45  
John

Sherlock     17:46  
Is it bad luck to cry before the ceremony?

[Sent]     17:48  
No, hush, I’m not laughing at you. You just made   
me smile. No, it’s not bad luck to cry. It’s okay.

[Sent]     17:49  
Me too, a bit. Hopefully no one will be able to   
tell by the time we get there.

Sherlock     17:49  
We should probably head downstairs actually.   
But before we do

Sherlock     17:50  
I want you to know

 _[Draft]     17:51_   
_I love you, I love you, I’m so happy to be_ _  
marrying you. This is_

 _[Draft]     17:52_ _  
_ _The most important moment of my life._

Sherlock     17:52  
This ist he happiest day off my life

[Sent]      17:52  
Sherlock

[Sent]     17:53  
Unless you tell me no, in about five seconds I’m   
going to come around this corner and kiss you.

[Sent]     17:53  
Okay?

Sherlock     17:53  
Please


	214. John - Handwritten Note on a Cocktail Napkin, Scribbled During the Reception

Sherlock -

    You have given me my life back three times over now  
    and I am so incredibly happy to be spending the rest of   
    it with you. I love you so much Sherlock Holmes, and I   
    will love you for the rest of our lives -   
                                              -  and into the forever beyond.

                                                  your husband, John

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks John's last chapter in this story, and therefore mine. Writing this fic, writing John Watson, and writing with hudders-and-hiddles, has been a life-changing honor and a joy. Thank you all for everything.
> 
> Stay tuned tomorrow for Sherlock's last chapter! Until the next time, friends - 
> 
> \- Darcy


	215. Sherlock - Handwritten Note Attached to a Photo

My dearest John,

Everything I’ve given you in this box so far is about our past. It is a road that hasn’t always been smooth, but in spite of everything we have endured--and in some ways, because of it--we have found our way here, together. And that alone is an enormous gift.

But I thought that perhaps, today of all days, it might be appropriate not only to look back at our past but also to look forward to our future.

John, I love you more than I will ever be able to say, and this life we share is more joyous and surprising, more fulfilling, more perfect than I could have possibly imagined. But even I know that it is also utterly mad. And as much as I know that we both love it, there will come a day when we need a break from the chaos. Maybe just for a weekend, to escape the noise, the crowds, the mess in the flat. Maybe for a week to recover after a suspect gets a little too close for comfort. Maybe for a month when the weather starts to make our knees creak going up and down the stairs to the flat. And someday… Someday far down the road, this life isn’t going to be for us anymore, and it will be time to start a new one. To share a new adventure.

So I bought us a cottage, which you can see in the attached photograph. The kitchen is tiny, but the bedroom is not. There are large windows we can open in the morning to let in the breeze off the downs and a garden out back where we can sit at night to watch the stars. There’s a path we can follow down to the beach when it’s warm and a fireplace we can curl up in front of together when it’s cold. There’s a shed that I could convert into a lab to keep my experiments out of the kitchen. There’s even an office, with an old writing desk overlooking the garden that I thought you would like. Maybe you can write a book of all our cases, like you’ve been considering. Maybe I’ll finally learn to keep bees.

We don’t have to decide all that just now though. Whatever the future may bring, I know that this life still holds plenty for us, and I’m looking forward to many, many more years of madness and mayhem with my extraordinary husband by my side. But when we do need to escape, whether for a day or forever, this cottage--our cottage--will be there waiting.

A place where I can do the one thing I most want to do: grow old with you.

 

Wholly yours,  
in this adventure  
and all the ones yet to come,

Sherlock

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, friends, we have come now to the end. 
> 
> It has been my absolute pleasure to go on this journey with these boys, with all of you, and with my amazing writing partner, Darcy. I have been surprised and beyond honored by your enthusiasm, and I know Darcy would agree when I say you have brought us both incredible joy throughout this entire process. 
> 
> To every single one of you who has read or commented or kudosed, thank you, thank you, thank you. It's been amazing sharing this with you.
> 
> \- Leslie

**Author's Note:**

> Find us on tumblr at [watsonshoneybee](http://watsonshoneybee.tumblr.com) and [hudders-and-hiddles](http://hudders-and-hiddles.tumblr.com).

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Cover Art for 'between each beat are words unsaid' by darcylindbergh, hudders-and-hiddles (huddersandhiddles)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6141636) by [missmuffin221](https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmuffin221/pseuds/missmuffin221)




End file.
